Infidelity or miscommunication?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
Infidelity or miscommunication?
1
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 5:17pm

I am a married mother of two girls, a 7 year old and an 8 week old baby. I need an opinion or some advice from you about my current situation with my husband. Bear with me; this is lengthy.

Let me preface all I am about to say with this: my husband is really an amazing guy in so many ways, and we get along pretty well for the most part. He works really hard to provide for us, he is good to my 7 year old daughter from a previous marriage...he actually has just stuck beside me and supported me emotionally and financially through a bitter custody dispute with my ex-husband this year. He was there for me throughout my pregnancy with our youngest daughter, and now that she is here, he is really good with her. He loves her so much.

Actually, from the outside looking in, there doesn't seem to be a problem. But the truth is that I don't understand him like I once thought I did. You see, he doesn't communicate his feelings very much. It has gotten to the point that I ask him frequently how he feels about specific things because I honestly have no clue. By nature, he is a quiet guy, whereas I am more outspoken and up front with things, and that I understood from the beginning. But I can tell sometimes that he's upset or worried, but when I ask him why, he usually says nothing's wrong. When he does open up, it's typically brief. His biggest gripe is that he does not enjoy his job, that it is stressful, and that he feels underappreciated and overworked. He does work long hours. And I know he must feel stressed that his is the sole income in the household; I have not worked since February because I was pregnant and now because of the baby. I am about to start taking online classes instead of working; I need just a semester or two to finish my degree. Hopefully the loans, scholarships and grants will lessen the load financially. I just feel I need to be here for my baby, and that finishing my degree will be a great investment to our family unit in time. I hope he agrees; he goes along with the idea, but I am never really sure if he sincerely agrees with ideas like this one or just complies to avoid confrontation. I often wonder if this lack of communication that we are expreiencing is a sign of him pulling away in other ways.

The communication is not the only issue. Another thing that has changed is our sex life. Earlier in the relationship and marriage, we were being intimate nearly every day. That started to dwindle a bit to 3 or 4 times a week, which I understood. Life is busy and there's not always time for that. But then it dwindled further to 2 times a week to once a week to once every two weeks to once a month to hardly ever. All in an 8 or 9 month span. At the last part of my pregnancy, I had a higher sex drive than before, but it was almost like I had to throw myelf at him and coax him into it for us to have sex. His excuse was that he was tired, although he never had a problem staying up late to work on his recordings (he's a musician). It's been nearly nine weeks since our daughter was born and we haven't had sex yet (part of that time is the mandatory wait, and the other part was because I had tubal ligation sugery 7 weeks postpartum). So we really couldn't have sex since the baby was born. Even if we could've it would've been ok not to because my sex drive is way lower than normal because I'm breastfeeding; the problem is that he acts like it's no big deal that we can't have sex. He doesn't even seem overly anxious to do it when the doctor says it's ok to again, which is next week. He's not on drugs, prescription or otherwise to my knowledge, so I just can't imgine what would bring on this sudden change in his sex drive. And it's not just the sex, either, it's just the intimacy overall. He hardly ever says I Love You, or shows affection, and I have to say, "hey, come hug up to me" at night, whereas in the past, there were times I'd think he was a little too affectionate. It's pretty sad. Alot of times, I lie there in bed wondering what it'd be like if he were different. I hate to admit it, but I've even wondered what it would be like if there was someone else. I mean, I'd NEVER cheat, because I am a monogamous person by nature and feel cheating is the ultimate wrong you can do your partner, but I still can't help wanting to feel wanted & desired and I don't.

There have also been a few occurrences to mention that my husband pretty much blew off and said that I was unreasonable and unfair for questioning him about. A few times during my pregnancy, I would get into the passenger seat of the car, and my seat would be positioned very close to the dash. I always keep that seat positioned as far back as possible because I'm fairly tall (5'9") and have long legs. I asked him how the seat got in that position and he answered that he did not know, that nobody had been in the car but me, him, and my 7 year old daughter, who always sits in the backseat. Several times, I also found things in the passenger side door, such as a used toothpick (which I never use), used napkins, little things like that, that I knew were not mine. He could not explain how these items got into my side door. And recently, I came back from staying with some family out of state for over a week, and several days after I returned, I was sitting on the toilet in our bathroom and noticed some stray hairs on the floor, some of which were my husband's (he's a hairy guy) but one was a longish black hair (my daughter & I are blonde). When I asked him about the hair, he just said that he had no idea where it came from, and that perhaps it was in here from before we moved in. We just moved here in July, but I doubt that I'd have missed that in my floor for over a month. What can I say? I do have a gut feeling that he's being dishonest and that all these things point to infidelity, but I have no real proof, either.

I know that if there is a problem, that I play a part in it. I don't do well under duress. And when I get really stressed, I tend to react in a way that is less than desirable: I say things I don't really mean (not screaming & cursing, just little things), raise my voice a bit, and I know that's not right. I also know that I can be bossy and nit-picky at times too, and that must not be all that pleasant. I try to control it, but sometimes I feel like I can't get anything done for something else coming along that needs to be done. But when I'm thinking about relationship issues, or kid issues, it's worse. I know I'm not perfect in this, but I do feel like I need an explanation that doesn't leave me doubting. That's no way to live. If he were unhappy, I wish he'd say, but when I bring up the subject, or ask him how he feels about me, he says he's in love with me and is as happy as can be. I'm puzzled.

It's hard for me to believe he'd do that to me because he knows that cheating is the one thing I will not tolerate. I've made it clear that I will leave if he's unfaithful to me, because I've been there before and was unable to work though it with my ex-husband. Also, he had a bad experience with infidelity: his dad cheated on his mom and it affected him in a negative way seeing his mother hurt like that. I don't think he'd want to do that to our kids. I really want to believe that the communication and sex issues are just because he's tired and stressed out with his job that he hates. And I wish I could believe what he says about the car & the hair in our house. Really and truly, when he's not at work, he's at home, so i don't see how there'd be a lot of time to be cheating. But I know that usually when you have a gut feeling, they say don't ignore it, especially if there are signs, too. Can you give me your ideas on this please?

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 12:43am

Welcome to the board Heather ~


I'm sorry you're in the middle of such confusion and turmoil. It's tough to feel differently than you do when he's pretty clearly lying to you. I mean, come on, he knows exactly why the car seat got moved up, where the used napkins, toothpick, etc. came from. I highly doubt someone broke into the car to sit in while they ate their lunch. Very clearly, someone was in the car and he knows who it was. The fact that he'd claim ignorance (which is an incredibly childish response) certainly points to that person being someone he'd rather not have to tell you about. The hair is another indication of someone having been around that you don't know about (I'm not usually one to suggest poking around, but did you check to see if you could find any long black hairs in your car -- especially around the passenger seat?) Over the years I have learned that things that put question marks in my head are in fact red flags. They seem like question marks because I don't understand, but they need to be viewed as red flags because the reason they remain question marks is that the answer I get doesn't make sense. I don't know about you, but typically when I ask a question I don't have a problem understanding the answer, it makes sense to me, my question is answered, I'm satisfied and the issue is dropped. So when the answer doesn't make sense I know it's not because I'm dense, it doesn't make sense because the answer I'm given doesn't hold up -- plain and simple it doesn't make sense. You're in the same situation here. The answers you're being given don't make sense and that leaves real reason for concern. I'm also a big believer in gut, and I think your gut is responding to the nonsensical answers you're getting too. I understand what you're saying about being difficult sometimes, but give yourself a break. He knew your personality when he married you, it's not a surprise to him and it's not an excuse for cheating. The same goes for work and family pressures.


Personally, I think pretty clearly something is going on. His actions, lack of sexual desire (which can be a sign of cheating -- as can increased sexual desire) and lame responses to obvious signs that someone's been with him in the car all indicate he's doing something he doesn't want you to know about.


He may feel he's painted himself into a corner since you've gone on record stating if there was cheating you would leave, period; though you weren't wrong to state it if it's true. I can hardly imagine how difficult this is for you, you can't make him tell you the truth, he'll only do that if he chooses to. You might consider setting some time aside to have a serious talk with him. Sending the kids off somewhere so you can talk uninterrupted is important, and may be difficult with an 8-week old breastfeeding baby in the mix, but if it's at all doable, do it. Let him know ahead of time that you need to have a serious talk, that the kids will be elsewhere so you can be uninterrupted, and make sure the talk is at a time that's convenient, agreeable and/or doable for him too. I suggest he know in advance that this serious talk is coming because he needs time to consider it also. If it's sprung on him he'll likely feel attacked and backed into a corner, and with that he's more apt to continue to lie out of defensive action rather than to have time to think about this talk and be prepared to be honest. In this talk I would tell him that regardless of what's been said before you need to have the truth, all of it. I would ask pointed questions and I would not accept answers that don't make sense. You might want to think out what you plan to do if he continues to hold his previous stand of not knowing how these things mysteriously happened. Will you let it go and continue or will you leave? What will you do if he admits an affair? Being prepared ahead of time will help you when you're in the middle of the incredible emotions that will be swirling around. Will you demand to know where he is every minute of every day? Quite frankly, it doesn't seem like there's much doubt that he's seeing someone else, whether he's sleeping with her or not, and if he continues to insist he's innocent, I don't think there's any reason not to lay out exactly what it is that adds up to suspicion. From the lack of sexual desire, the excuses not to have sex, to the lame responses to someone having been with him in the car. Whatever the case, it's clear that something is going on and it's something he doesn't want you to know about, which says it's something he knows isn't right to do.


Watching his father's infidelity may play a part in his unwillingness to be honest. He saw the pain it caused his mother and naturally reacted to that. If he's being unfaithful, he likely feels quite guilty at having done the same to you -- he may feel quite ashamed of himself too. It's also very likely that much as he hated what his father did, he just as naturally learned how to be a man, a father, a husband by watching his father and, whether he likes it or not, learned the role he understudied all those years. Cycles of dysfunctional behavior are continued on and passed from parent to child over and over again for that very reason, even when the child despises what his parents were.


There are some serious issues going on in your marriage right now, with or without cheating and, depending on his response and the decisions you make based on those responses, they need to be addressed. It sounds like communication is a big problem for you, I'm assuming the difference in communication styles that you described at the beginning of your post isn't anything new, that you've been that different from the beginning. That doesn't make it unworkable, but it does take more work and a willingness to improve communication (hopefully but not necessarily on both your parts) to make it happen.


This isn't something I typically offer up, but in your case I think it could be helpful:
Signs of Cheating
list of possible signs of cheating


To help you in having this discussion with him:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
It's very important that you stay focused on the subject at hand. Be alert to the possibility of him trying to sideline the discussion by making accusations or pushing hot buttons to other issues as a way to get the subject off this and onto something else. It's a very common tactic, probably a defense mechanism. Don't allow yourself to become upset and/or bite on other issues, if he brings up something else tell him you'll talk about that issue at another time, this time the issue is "xxx".

And lastly, but very importantly, I strongly urge you to post your message on the Betrayed Spouses Support board. Those women have a lot of understanding and insight into situations that involve infidelity and they can almost certainly give you their experienced perspective on your situation, what you can expect, and may offer much better advice as to how to approach this and other things that you should be doing.

Whatever the case, please do keep in touch and let us know how things are going. This is really difficult for you and I care about how you're doing.





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"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

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