The boyfriend who's never there

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
The boyfriend who's never there
6
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 7:13pm

Ok, first off I have to say I love my boyfriend so much, and he's so good to me. Our relationship, when we are together, is almost perfect. But that's the problem. We are hardly ever together.

He is the chef de cuisine at a big resort, so he only had one day off per week, and the rest of the week, this is how every single day goes: he wakes up with just enough time to get ready for work, then he goes to work until usually around 11 p.m., and once he gets home, he goes to bed soon after. So if I come over, I'm usually sitting there waiting for him to get home, and by the time he does, I am falling asleep. We spend his entire day off together, cuz I have off too, so at least we have that...but I don't know if that's enough.

I know I might sound selfish to lots of you...but I think it's really important for a couple to spend more than one day together...at least a few hours a couple days a week beyond that one day--and I mean a few hours doing something other than having sex or zoning out in front of the TV. I've read lots of stuff on happy couples who have been together a long time, and spending lots of time together was a key to their success.

He can't really change his schedule, because chefs work long hours, and mostly at night. I can't change my schedule either, because I'm a grad student/teaching assistant with a rigid, time-consuming schedule. I am trying to see him as much as I can by driving out to his apartment at night, but I'm starting to get sick of this, and my car is old and I don't like to drive it more then I have to. I also don't like driving out to his place only to sit alone all night and then wake up alone in the morning.

I'm already having problems with our different schedules, and the school year hasn't even begun, when I will be less able to stay over at his place, and won't have time to see him during the week. Not to mention bad winter weather in a few months, which will prevent driving sometimes. And, he won't be around for the holidays because he'll be working. I'm sorry I'm such a whiner but THIS STINKS! Anyone have any helpful advice or comments for me?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 8:40pm

Is he planning on staying in this job or one like it for the foreseeable future? If so, I'm not sure how you CAN spend more time together! Are you thinking he should cut back his hours? Get less sleep? Or what, exactly?

If you're not able to accept the situation as is, I'm not sure how you're going to make this relationship work.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 9:20pm

I think that you either need to accept the limitation of the relationship right now or find someone else who can spend time with you. Unless he's willing to give up his career in order to spend time with you, you pretty much have to accept it or leave.

I don't think it would be fair of you to think that he should give up his career, just as I wouldn't think it would be fair of him to expect you to give up grad school to be with him. Your lives are moving in vastly different directions right now, through no one's fault--it's just the way your universe is presently wired.

It'd be different if the issue was he was out hanging with his friends all evening and leaving you at home by yourself and then was neglecting you when he got in. But from what you've written, he's working insane hours in his chosen field, which, if he's serious about what he's doing, he has to do to establish his credibility in the industry.




Edited 8/18/2005 9:24 pm ET ET by quenek
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 10:55pm

What time does he have to leave for work? Why can't he drive to your place after work half the time, why are you always have to go to him? I think it's perfectly understandable why you'd be frustrated and dissatisfied with the situation and the time you have together, not selfish at all. I have more thoughts, but I'll hold them until I know the answers to my questions, my opinion could change depending on your answers. (I'm also interested in the answers posed to you by the others -- is this a permanent shift, any let up in sight? etc.)





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 11:32pm

Well, we had a long talk about all this, and we were both crying like babies. Here's what we're doing about it:

He is talking to his bosses to see if he can have one full day off and one half day per week (leave early).

We're going to get him a parking permit tomorrow so he can stay over at my place more often (I live in the city and you need a permit to park overnight more then 3 times per month). He is going to stay at my place much more often now, because he works at 10:30/11ish, and I work early morning most days.

We also talked and we both feel ready to move in together by the end of the year. We are pretty much engaged in our minds, and he asked me when I was expecting him to ask (with the ring, officially) and I guessed in about 6 months to a year. He said it would be much sooner than that. ! :) ! So we're at least going to start looking at apartments. My friends and his both think us moving in together would make sense, and I think we are ready...living together would also solve many of our problems (having to drive late at night to see eachother, me waiting in his place for him--I miss my stuff and my kitty ;), not seeing eachother for days on end...these are the only things we've ever fought about).

Thanks to all who gave advice!

Red

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 12:14am

That's great...I hope he's able to get the extra 1/2 day off. Him coming over to your place will probably help too.

But, at the end of the day, assuming he's planning on staying in the hospitality industry, you're going to have to accept that you're not going to see him as much as you would if he had a 9-5 job. Have you read "Kitchen Confidential"? I don't know how Anthony Bourdain's wife puts up with him but somehow they've managed to make it work. You have to be sure that you are ok with that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 8:40pm

That's great! I hope it turns out to be everything you want it to be, but I don't see how your decisions are going to change much of what you're unhappy about. An extra half day off won't make that much difference and you'll still only be seeing him when he gets off at 11 and (maybe) as he's scrambling out the door for work. It won't answer the dissatisfaction of zoning out in front of the TV or having sex during your brief time together either, but it is definitely a step in the right direction and the fact that he's willing to make those changes is very encouraging. I think though, that you still have a lot of work to do in finding agreement of how to spend your time together (other than sex and TV) and if his schedule is permanent, you'll need to decide if the very short amount of time you'll be spending together is acceptable to you.


The questions that were asked in your previous responses might help us offer some more suggestions too, if you're interested.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide



Edited 8/21/2005 8:47 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"