Heartbroken but hopeful
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| Mon, 08-22-2005 - 2:23am |
8 months ago I began a relationship with the most wonderful, caring and genuine man I have ever met. Although we were both young, we fell into a deep love almost immediately. I know this love of mine was real because I could feel him in every part of me. We took care of eachother. We made eachother better people.
For the first 5 months of our relationship, we spent every day and night together. When he went away to study abroad for a month in the summer, we both cried, called and missed eachother to no end. We promised eachother that we would never leave eachother's sides and could not be happier. HE said most of these things to begin with. He told me he thought I could very well be "the one"
When he returned from abroad, everything was perfect and storybook again. I felt his love when he held me and looked at me.
Last week, my boyfriend left to study at grad school (14 hours away). This is the first time he has ever lived on his own before.. 14 hours away from everything he knows. We had planned to keep a flamming relationship from afar and he begged me to eventually move in with him at school.
LITTLE DID I KNOW .. as I helped pack his things and said my last goodbyes, he looked at me sadly and said he did not feel in love anymore. He burst into tears and said that VERY RECENTLY it had been going from wonderful passion to very little and back again..bouncing back and forth and he couldnt control it. He told me he hadnt eaten in days and began to cry, shake, and pull me so close to him that it seemed like if he would never let go. He said he was miserable and everything hurt in his life. He said he "still adores me but doesn't know if he is in love anymore.." It comes and goes and he doesn't know why. He says I haven't changed a bit and he feels so sick to be hurting me.
This normally level-headed and successful guy has turned into a mess of tears and depression.. he has been seeing a psychiatrist for the past few days and crying nearly non stop. He says he just wants to get that feeling back like we "used to have." He thinks he may have a problem with pushing people away.
~~ I know our love was real. Does love like that really just disappear randomly? Or does this seem like a deeper-rooted problem?
My heart hurts and I hope so badly that he is just going through changes and a rough time.
Please advise...
I appreciate it so much
-J

Real love can and does end. You see, what seems perfect at one stage in our lives may not suit us as we mature. It doesn't mean that the love was any less real - but rather, it's just a sign that one has grown and changed.
Please, don't 100% believe the reasons he's telling you about breaking up. Many people aren't totally honest when breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend. They tell 'white lies' to spare the partner's feelings. You know, the old "it's not you, it's me" line? Or the "I'm not sure what I want in my life" line. It's just easier to spin one of those lines than to be honest. Perhaps he met someone else or simply didn't want to do the whole long distance thing.
Yes, he is crying and depressed....but hon, most of us (male and female) go through that when they end a relationship. It's quite normal along with eating tubs of ice cream. It's just the way it is.
As far as a long distance relationship goes....I could be wrong, but I believe that if you were a priority in his life, he wouldn't be moving 14 hours away. My DH gave up a long distance job opportunity to stay near me when we'd only been dating for 2 months - because he felt that our relationship was worth the sacrifice. If he really wanted to be with you, he'd move heaven and earth to stay by your side.
You may have felt that it was "love at first sight", but the reality is that you don't know someone's character, beliefs, actions or morals until quite some time down the road. You might feel that you love someone quite early in the game, but it's the same chemical reaction and rush that we all get in the beginning stages of a relationship. You may have a stronger chemical rush with him, but it's still chemical. The truth of it is, you can't really love someone who's character you don't really know yet. Really getting to know someone takes a good year, it takes that long to see them in enough situations to know how they react to different circumstances. It also takes that long to see if what they say they are, what they say the believe is really how they are, or how they wish they were (or want you to think they are). The first many months of a relationship are called the "honeymoon stage" because everyone's on their best behavior, doing their best to look good and impress the other person. That's normal and natural too, being a little nicer, wearing your "company manners" just a bit to look good for your new guy or girl. As time goes along, two things happen, you become more comfortable in the relationship, begin to relax a little and show more and more of your "real" (relaxed) self AND you let up because you can't keep up being someone you really aren't forever. For the first year of a relationship, you're really assessing each other, watching and "grading" how each other's actions and reactions score on your approval scale. Obviously, when you see many more positives than negatives, you're encouraged to continue and go forward with that person. So I guess, long story short, I have no doubt that the feelings you had for each other felt like love, but the reality is that you didn't know each other well enough to really love each other. That doesn't mean your feelings weren't real or intense.
What you describe as happening in your relationship, him saying that he just doesn't hold the same feelings he once had for you, is very typical of young relationships. I'm sure you can think back to relationships in your past where that's happened to you, a guy who was so perfect for you became someone you just didn't feel the same about, even though you couldn't point to anything that had changed. From the time you're born until you're in your mid-20's your brain is growing and you continue to mature. Those changes are what's responsible for the "I just don't feel that way about you anymore" feelings. There are no major changes, in him or in you, but as you both grow and mature, you're doing it differently, going down different paths. Someone who was perfect for you six months ago isn't right for you any longer. It's nothing they've done, nothing you've done, you've just changed. Your situation doesn't sound like a phase he's going through or a deep-rooted problem, it sounds like the way it most often goes with young relationships.
The bottom line is that no understanding or explanation helps you deal with the pain of a break up. I've had relationships that I knew weren't right and weren't going to last but they still hurt incredibly when they ended. We've all gone through the heartbreak of a relationship ending, it's never easy, it's incredibly painful, and in situations like yours, where you weren't aware there was a problem and were completely happy with him, it's devastating. I'm so sorry you're hurting like this, it's so hard to come to terms with what's happened, so hard to see beyond anything but your pain. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on and do everything you can to help yourself heal. Sitting at home won't help you heal, it'll drag out the pain and prolong your agony. Even though you don't want to, getting yourself out and forcing yourself to do things will help you get through this faster and easier. Go out with friends, do things even though you don't feel like it and it doesn't sound fun. It won't be fun at first, but keep doing it. Getting out, doing other things gives you a change of scenery. It helps your mind think about other things and will get you through this faster. If you need to, call your friends and let them know you're hurting and need their help in dragging your rear out. From what you've said it sounds like you're still in contact with him, that won't help you heal either, in fact, it will prolong the pain and keep you stuck in that pain. An article that makes good sense about why no contact is a good rule and why staying in contact keeps you hurting is:
I'm really sorry you're hurting so much, I know how hard it is. How long has it been since he told you his feelings have changed, how new is this? Huge hugs and know we're here to lean on, Forever2604.LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS
Even though the title refers to "harmful relationships", it speaks to all relationships that have ended, harmful or not. Actually, if the relationship has ended and getting beyond it is hard, it has become harmful, so I guess the title still applies.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

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