Suddenly unhappy in a happy marriage
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 08-23-2005 - 9:41am |
I’m 32 years old and my husband is 34. We’ve been happily married for 5 years and together for 8. My husband and I are truly best friends. We never fight, we trust and respect each other, we share common values, we have open communication, we laugh a lot, we have many common interests, we do practically everything together, and we have a very good life, i.e. good jobs, a nice house, exciting vacations, etc. You would think our life is perfect, but I’m suddenly feeling very dissatisfied and questioning the future of our relationship.
The first issue is the lack of a sexual spark. The sex was good at the beginning of our relationship, but I have not felt in the mood or had an orgasm during sex for about 6 years. I continue to go through the motions 2-4 times a month to keep my husband happy, but I can’t get into it. I just want it to be over as quickly as possible. My husband knows I’m not into it. He sometimes comments he feels more like roommates than husband and wife. My husband is still very sexually attracted to me, but I don’t feel the same about him and I don’t know why. There’s nothing wrong with him, but the feeling is just not there. For years I’ve been passing off my lack of interest as my just not having a high sex drive, but I recently realized that this is probably untrue because I’m finding myself extremely attracted to another man. It all started about a month ago when I went to see this band at a local pub with my husband. One of the guys in the band started flirting with me. I was very flattered by his attention and actually felt sexual attraction towards someone for the first time in years. I engineered it for us to see the band again a few weeks later and the guy remembered me. He came over and talked to us every time they had a break. While my husband was in the bathroom, we did some pretty heavy flirting and he told me he wished my husband wasn't there and said that I should come see them again sometime without my husband. After that night, I actually felt like I wanted to have sex for the first time in as long as I can remember and I was able to get into it somewhat by fantasizing about this other man. My husband commented on how it was the best sex we’d had in a long time. Afterwards, I cried because I felt bad about why I was able to get into it. I want to see this other man again so I can continue to feed off this sexual energy and try to use it to invigorate my sex life with my husband, but I know that I could be playing with fire because I might be tempted to do something more than flirting.
The second issue is the pressure to start a family. My husband is ready now and wants to start. I always said I wanted to wait until I was 30, but now I’m 32 and still don’t feel ready. I’m beginning to believe I’ll never be ready. We started “trying” a few months ago, but I was extremely relieved each month when I got my period. I just don’t think I have any maternal feelings and don’t know if I ever will. I’m afraid I may have unintentionally led my husband on to believe I would want kids, when maybe deep down I won’t. I told my husband about a week ago that I wanted to wait a bit longer while I try to sort out my feelings and he is trying to be supportive and understanding, but I know he’s unhappy about it. He’s afraid that we’re getting older and if we don’t start now, we’ll never have a family. He said that he can’t see his life without children and that he thinks he would be sad if he never had any. He told me that if I had told him that I never wanted kids at the beginning of our relationship he wouldn’t have married me, but he also said that I shouldn’t worry about his leaving me over this issue because he loves me so much. He said that his perfect life would be to be with me forever and have a family together. I started to cry because suddenly I don’t know what my perfect life would be anymore. I think that truthfully another part of the reason I’m leaning towards not having a child right now is because I’m afraid it would tie me down to a marriage that lacks the sexual desire that I think any healthy marriage should have. I guess the fact that I suddenly have had my sexual feelings reawakened has made me realize that I don’t think I can be happy forever in a marriage where I don’t feel any passion. Part of me just wants to be single again so I can have all the butterflies, etc. that goes along with new love. I don’t know if this is an early mid-life crisis or what. It kills me that I’m having all these feelings when I have such a good life with a wonderful husband who would do anything for me. I feel so stupid and selfish, but I just don’t know what I want out of life anymore. Can anyone relate to any of this and give me any insight? Thanks.

Honestly, my first suggestion is to go to a doctor and see if they can figure out if you have a hormonak imbalance or something that is causing these problems. There very honestly can be a medical reason that you are having a hard time with your low lebido. There are also several boards on ivillage that deal with low or lost lebido, which I think would be very good places to start too.
Since there aren't any "issues" other than this it would be best to explore this one out completely before doing anything drastic. Tell your DH that you have a very low lebido and that you think it could be medical, and I'm sure he'll be more than patient to help you figure it out. Good luck.
Welcome to the board, Srnsns ~
I was thinking that a trip to the doc would be a good idea to take a look at your libido problem, but the fact that you felt it loud and clear again in the band member seems to indicate pretty strongly that it's not a medical problem, at least that's how it appears to me.
It's easy to become "emotionally disconnected" from your spouse over time. Marriage takes work, and that means making sure the relationship gets the attention it needs to stay connected. It's easy to get so into the habit of work, household chores, etc. and putting off doing something together "tomorrow" or "later" while you do what seems more important at the time. In reality, the household stuff will wait, your relationship is way more important than anything else. When you've gotten into the habit of doing everything and letting your relationship slide, you get farther apart faster until it doesn't seem like you're really hardly together at all. Case in point: I have friends who, for five years went through the motions of daily life, they both worked full time jobs, went home, had dinner, took care of their kids, cleaned the house, all the usual stuff, but they did nothing for themselves as a couple, in five years, they took a vacation alone together - no kids. They agreed before leaving that this time was for them, no talk of kids was to be had. The first night, as they sat at dinner in total silence they came to a stunned realization -- they had nothing to say to each other. Their lives had been totally spent focused on kids, house, jobs and no time at all had been spent on their relationship. As a result, they had nothing to touch base on, they were that far apart. I know you don't have kids, but you don't need kids for that to happen, everyday stuff can be all-consuming with or without kids and if you haven't put the same work into your relationship as you put into your job, your home, etc., it's going to have an effect. Do you think that might be the case with you? I know you said your husband feels the relationship is fine, but honestly (and I know this sounds sexist, but I've read it in self-help books written by male therapists too) men are typically happy and satisfied with a much lower-level relationship than women are, so the fact that he's happy with things isn't necessarily surprising and doesn't mean you want too much or there's something wrong with you to not be satisfied. Shoot, I've been in relationships that I broke off because I was unsatisfied with the relationship level, even though my boyfriends were perfectly happy with things just as they were.
I also think you express a lot of reason for unhappiness, dissatisfaction and anxiety about your relationship. You indicate that these feelings are sudden, but I'm wondering how long you've felt like this? Did it recently hit out of the blue or has it been slowly building for some time? I ask because you also say you've not orgasmed during sex for six years, that you no longer enjoy sex, rather, you do it infrequently and to keep your husband satisfied, but want it over as soon as possible. That doesn't sound enjoyable to me at all, and indicates you've been unhappy for some time. I can't help but notice that this sexual problem surfaced a year before you married, and I'm wondering why you moved forward into marriage while this was a problem? You also indicate that you feel you're not justified to be unhappy or dissatisfied with your life due to all the material perks you have. Those are nice things to have, but they don't feed you emotionally and they don't equal happiness. Like they say, "Money can't buy happiness" and that's very true. I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter if you have everything or nothing, if you're not emotionally happy and fulfilled, feel emotionally fed and satisfied, you're not happy, period and emotional happiness and fulfillment is what matters -- and it's very individual, what equals fulfillment and happiness to one won't even come close to being what someone else needs, your wants and needs are you own and you're very much entitled to them. I also think the fact that you feel pushed to have children that you're not ready to have -- and may never want is huge and yes, I absolutely think it's perfectly understandable that it would make you feel anxious, unhappy, guilty and very torn. You did absolutely the right thing in telling him you needed more time, having children when you're not ready, or having children that you don't want to have isn't right, isn't good and shouldn't happen. It's not fair to you, your husband, or the child. Good for you for stopping it. These things you've talked about here are huge, Srnsns, feeling as you do under these circumstances, I think is very understandable. You're not happy, you're not satisfied and what your husband wants you're not at all ready for and may never want in your life, how in the world could you feel anything but unhappy and unsure of where your life is and where it's going. I have a feeling that trying for children pushed your dissatisfied, unhappy feelings to the forefront. Having sex (which isn't enjoyable for your) to try to have children (that you aren't ready for and aren't sure you'll ever want) would be enough to send you into a serious emotional tailspin.
I think that this band member who you've flirted with tells you your sex issue isn't libido based. I also think this guy is someone you need to stay as far away from as you possibly can. Yeah, he's good for you as far evoking some incredibly good feelings in you, but he's very, very dangerous for you to be around. Putting yourself in his path is flirting with disaster, flirting with taking a step into actions you have no business in as a married woman. Keep the memory and know that it tells you the issue is between you, your husband and your life rather than you physically, but stay away from him unless you divorce your husband and are free to "play".
Speaking of your libido, I did read you right, didn't I? You specifically said you no longer orgasmed during intercourse, which I took to mean that you do orgasm, just not in intercourse. Let me know, okay?
I think what is really important for you to do is to check in with a licensed counselor or therapist to work on uncovering the underlying reasons for your unhappiness and dissatisfaction, and to help you deal with what your feelings on children, and the guilt you have surrounding that. I think with some therapy you'll find yourself out of the way you're feeling, will have a clearer idea of the right path for yourself and you'll resolve a lot of the issues you have -- very likely the sex issue too. I've recently gone back to therapy to work on some issues I felt I needed to work on myself and I'm glad I did.
Let us know how you're doing, I know you're feeling a lot of turmoil and pressure right now, not a fun or easy place to be.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi there,
I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. You sound like me in a lot of ways, with some key differences. I'm 35, married for 12 years, with one son, and have entered the world of cyber infidelity (and thank goodness, after struggling for a few months, have cut it off).
I agree with you about feeding off the sexual energy. I was suddenly very sexually energized with DH after having my online activities. You definitely want to stay away from this other man, or you'll find yourself in an affair. I've been hanging around the Affair Support board the last few months and there are countless stories of heartbreak there. From my eyes being opened there, I have managed to take hold of my situation this regard.
I feel the same way right now, and trying to work through it especially because of my son.
I did this too. Now we have a son and I love him with all my heart and will do anything for him. But like you said, I'm tied down. So you are doing the right thing by waiting. But don't wait too long. Because I think it is indeed unfair to your H.
Marriage counseling would be good for you. Even if it brings out issues such as the lack of sexual desire on your part. I have not gotten there myself, but I'm taking things step by step in figuring out where I am (I am afraid to tell H that I think I don't love him anymore).
Or if you're too afraid to have everything out in the open right away, you could try individual counseling first to figure out where you are at and why you are feeling the way you do.
Good luck!!!
Edited 8/24/2005 1:34 pm ET ET by teetering
I hear you loud and clear when you say that you don't want to throw everything you've built together away but you just don't know if it's good enough. On one hand, thinking of walking away from all that you've invested in this relationship you seems like a lot of things being thrown away, but if you're not happy, what good are those things? Really, there's nothing more important than your happiness and if you're not happy, staying in a place where you aren't happy is a much bigger waste than anything you'd be throwing away. Staying where you're unhappy is a waste of your life, it's a place that you exist in, not live, know what I mean?
I agree with you that at this point you shouldn't make the decision to leave. I think there are many things you don't have a good grasp on (not a slam by any means); you're confused, ambivalent, dissatisfied and unsure of how you feel and why, leaving at this time could well be a mistake. I think you have some work to do to discover some answers about yourself, why you feel the way you do and what you want from life before you can make a wise decision about your marriage.
It sounds like you have some ideas about where some of your problems/issues may have started, and most of our issues do start in childhood. We absolutely learn how to be in relationships by watching the example they set, even when we were determined not to. Whether we had poor parents or, because we were children we interpreted messages incorrectly, we learned some things wrong. Uncovering what those things are and working on them will take you a long way in knowing what's right for you, feeling a zillion times better about yourself and feeling a an incredible amount of happiness (even if you think you feel pretty darned good already). Been there, done that -- and doing it again currently! Sexual problems/issues can be looked at and worked on in therapy too, and if your therapist isn't certified in sex therapy, s/he can refer you to someone who is if need be. With the turmoil and confusion that you feel, I personally think that some time with a therapist for just you to work on your issues and better define who you are and what you want before beginning couples counseling would be hands down the best way to go. Many of the issues you've mentioned are about you, not your marriage or your husband, the place to figure those out and define how you feel about them is on your own with your therapist, not in couples counseling. Your therapist will tell you what s/he thinks this is the best course of action for you to take, but I'd definitely make an appointment for me, explain the basics and listen to what the therapist's view on it is. You said you can't bring yourself to discuss the sex issue with your husband, do you mean he has no idea you don't enjoy sex with him and that you don't orgasm? I would think he would, whether you've talked about it or not. Sooner or later those talks have to happen, I think, but you'll be better equipped to talk about them after having some time in with a therapist. I do want to caution you to make certain that any therapist you see as a couple is licensed for couples therapy. A few of my friends who are therapists have asked me to always say that as some counselors/therapists who are licensed for individual counseling only offer couples counseling "as a service" to their clients. But, working with couples is very different than working with individuals and these counselors/therapists often end up causing more damage to the relationships they're trying to help because they don't have the training or knowledge to be working with couples.
On your orgasm issue, I would be remiss if I didn't make sure you know that your body can easily become accustomed to a specific kind of stimulation and not respond well to other methods. It's not uncommon for a body to become accustomed to orgasming to masturbation to the point that you no longer orgasm to penetration. It's possible that's the case with you, though that seems unlikely since you don't orgasm to vibrator stimulation applied by your husband. Though, I suppose it's quite possible to have become so used to orgasming alone that your husband's presence messes up the "right scenario" for you and keeps you from being able to orgasm. From the other things you've said though, I more suspect that the reason you can't orgasm with him or in his presence has more to do with issues with him that are not necessarily sexual.
It sounds like this attraction may have been a good thing, if it's what's pushed your feelings and issues to the forefront, it's pushed the timeline for resolving your problems way up, and even though I'm sure it's uncomfortable for you, it's a good thing, you know? I can't urge you enough to see a therapist as soon as you can so you can get to work on your happiness -- you deserve it and it's about time you got some.
Keep us posted on how you're doing, I think this may turn out much better than you anticipate, and I can't wait for you to get some clarity and peace to the issues you're struggling with. You deserve the peace and happiness.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
What a great, starkly honest post you've written. Being that open and honest about your mistakes takes a lot of courage. Thank you so much for posting it. You've done a great thing and have almost certainly helped more people than you can know.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"