did i do the right thing?
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| Fri, 08-26-2005 - 10:37am |
Hi, I m back again...
I am not sure if this is the right board for this problem and I had also post on other board, but I figure since this board knows my history and I really need anyone's support right now...so here I am.
I just broke up with my b/f of 2 1/2years last night. (It is same guy CL-2ndlife)
We had a discussion about our future and he said that loves me and want to spend the rest of his life with me but he still wants to experience the single carefree life that he never had before he go ahead with the marriage life with me.
Here is a little background about him... All his life he has been taking care of and being respondsible for others (his family and siblings), he went through alot and always felt a tremendous burden on him. Also before me, he was in a long term relationship for 8 years that he felt stuck and wanted to get out for years. (by the way, CL-2ndlife the situation with his family and friends has gotten alot alot better, we both learned from each other and he had realized the stress his family had put on him. That is also why he feel the need to explore and experience what he felt he has "missed out" now) He said that he wish we met little later on in his life after he get everything out of his system. He feels he still need to learn and explore. At the sametime he told me that he is willing to try to get the experience with me by his side because he doesn't want to lose me, it might just take longer for us to get there. I thought to myself and told him that I would never want him to regret being with me 5, 10 years down in the line and have the feeling of "missing out" on the life experience that he long for, so I broke up with him and told him that we can try again when his got over his "itch", when he is ready to commit and if I m still available.
Just to make this clear, I m 100% sure that his "itch" has nothing to do with wanting to check out other girls, he loves me and I trust him. It is mainly about his freedom ..him doing whatever he wants and not to have to worry about me or "report" to anybody about his whereabouts. Him experiencing being "lonely" and all the sorrow that single life brings that he had never experienced. Thats why I thought that the best thing is just for us to break up right now.
I plan to be with him, he is the love of my life and I feel that I might be actually helping him to fall in love me more by leaving him. I know that this is a very risky move but I think it is better for us in the long run. My heart is aching but I m not going to call him at all for these first 2 weeks. I know he is going to call me and I plan to just make it short and sweet. Still I fear for the worst, there is always that "what if" possiblity. I am also worry that I was a fool by breaking up with him since he already said that he is willing to work it out his "itch" with me by his side.... I need all the support I can get or any advice that would be helpful. I know that if we are meant to be we are going to end up getting back together no matter what. I hope I did the right thing... thanks for listening.

Welcome back, Mermaidundersea ~ Because I'm at work I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and of course recognized your name. I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so that others have the benefit of better understanding and insight of your relationship and, as a result are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions.
b/f too giving or i don't understand?
how can i stop my unhealthy ways...
update here...
Many board members find it very helpful to re-read their old posts, in doing so they can often recognize growth - or lack of it in their relationship and often see their issues more clearly as they aren't in the middle of the emotion as they were when they posted them originally. I hope they help you, too.
I'll be back!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi Mermaid, I am so sorry I've taken so long to get here, and I'm really sorry you haven't had any other responses too, your post is a good one and one that I think would pertain to a lot of members. I also think this is a correct board for your post to be on; summer's a busy time so lots of the regulars aren't here.
Mermaid, as hard as this decision was for you, I think you did absolutely the right thing, I commend you. If it's the single lifestyle he wants a taste of, he won't get that with you by his side -- and you knew that. You do not want to be one of those women who, ten or fifteen years down the road is devastated when their husbands announce that they're dissatisfied with their lives, unsure of whether they want to stay in the marriage, or they're leaving the marriage because they want to experience what they "missed out on". The time to taste freedom is now, before he has obligations and commitments, not after and he won't get a real feel for it until he's completely on his own to do that. Hard as it was to do, and scary as it is to let him go, it was the right thing. Like you already know, it doesn't necessarily mean you'll never be together again, in fact, it's the best you can do to ensure you can have a future.
The only thing I don't understand is the phone calls. How often is he calling and why? It seems to me he's not experiencing freedom if he's checking up with you every day or so. Continued and constant communication will make it harder for you to get past the hurt stage and be able to have fun with your own life. If he's checking in to make sure you're staying on "the shelf" to be available when he's done having fun, constant, continued calls will do just that. I don't think he's doing it to intentionally keep you there, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's not doing it to make sure you're still "there", if you know what I mean. I think it would be better for both of you if you agreed to not talk, but check in or get together after a set period of time. That pushes him out of "the nest" so to speak and has him actually experiencing the freedom he wants and it allows you to heal and branch out to have some fun of your own. Staying stuck, waiting and hurting isn't fair to you and isn't a place you should stay.
It was hard, I know, but you did good, Mermaid! Smart girl, I'm proud of you!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"