jealousy and bickering
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| Sat, 08-27-2005 - 1:14am |
My problem may not seem too bad, but I thought I would write a post, and maybe it could help.
My boyfriend and I live over an hour away, we've been dating for about two years...and we are totally in love...we want to get married, have kids, the whole bit...but were both young...he's 24 and im 23. Our main problem is that we are always bickering...
I just lost my mom 6 months ago, and Ive become very needy of him lately...He doesnt know how to deal with this situation too well. We will fight from the stupidest little things, like, he will say he said something, and i will say i never heard him say it, so he must not have, and we will fight over whether or not he said it...and it will turn into a big thing...which is so stupid...and basically i could use some advice on how to help this...
sometimes we fight over bigger things...mainly our distance...and hour might seem like a very little distance to some, but to me...i only see him on the weekends, and it kills me all week long. He goes out with his friends at night, and it doesnt seem to bother him, even though he says he misses me and wants to be with me, i know sometimes, he would rather, not take the drive, and just be with his friends...and this starts fights...
I hate being so far from him, and not seeing him that much...it makes me very needy and insecure. I've been really down, and not up to doing much, because of just losing my mom, and even more recently, my dog. I've been so down, i dont want to do anything, but i get so jealous when he does...I know this is wrong..but i can't seem to find any type of help for this...
Bottom line...I hate fighting with him, and i wish i could be more easy going, and i also wish he could be there for me more...I love him so much, but lately, we have both been so stressed, that its so hard to not fight...all we do sometimes is argue or bicker...Im sick of it...i wont leave him because of it, because its so stupid...but if anyone has advice, i would love to hear from you...and i would love constructive criticism also...i want to know what i am doing wrong, and how to change them.
I get mad at him when he's out with his friends, because i wish i could be with him, i get mad when he's not with me...i get mad when he procrastinates, and isnt here when i want him here...i Need him more than ever...and telling him this, hasnt helped...i dont know how to make him see i need him more, and he's hurting me...but at the same time, im hurting him, and maybe i shouldnt be so hard on him...i would really love some advice...if you have any advice, email me or post me a message, i would really appreciate it...Thanks so much
michelle

I am sorry to hear about your mom.
Ah Michelle, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother and your dog. Losing your dog in such a short space of time from your mother had to really be rough, and it had to has up a lot of painful feelings that weren't really healed from your mother's death yet. I lost my father some years ago and I know how devastating it is -- and how long it takes to get through it. I've also had dogs who were my best friend and biggest source of comfort. I don't know how you felt about your dog, but his/her death was very likely very devastating and left a huge hole for you.
Before I can give you answers, I have some questions that I hope you'll help me out with. I know that you live an hour away from your boyfriend, but I don't know what you do with your time when you're apart. Do you get out? See friends? What do you do? Also, in dealing with your mother's death, have you sought any support or help, like a loss support, a grief support group or a counselor/therapist who's licensed in grief therapy? You say that you're always bickering with your boyfriend. That sounds like it's been going on for the entire relationship, is that right, or is this something that's come up more recently?
Letting me know the answers to my questions will give me more information and will help me know what directions to take. I'll be checking back for your answers.
Edited to say: I forgot to apply the "hugs" icon to my response, and I'd meant to. Huge hugs, Michelle, sorry that I neglected to do that.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
Edited 8/28/2005 3:15 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for responding...i appreciate it...
To answer your questions...During the week, I am a substitute teacher, and since school is out, ive had the summer off...so that has meant more bickering. He is always out and about. He goes to his friends houses every night during the week. It makes me jealous, because unfortunately, im depressed, and dont always want to go out. Instead, i dwell on the fact that he's not there. I try to get out, but sometimes it just doesnt work...more like easier said than done, ya know. i am seeing a therapist, and taking some meds, because of my mom, it was, and still is extremly hard on me, so i do talk about this with her, but because im unemployed i dont get to see my therapist as much as i would like, cause i dont have the money.
And yes, we've always been a bickering couple...were both very stubborn, and we know we have to stop, but sometimes, its so hard...we both have to be right...we go through a lot together...we've both had an extreme amount of stress in the past year, he has been through a lot too, so, its hard, because we both have so much stress, that we tend to take it out on each other sometimes...
There is so much love between us, i just think that i dont always approve of the things he does...and sometimes, i really shouldnt be upset about things...like hanging out with his friends...
He used to be really jealous in the begining of our relationship, and he rubbed off on me, now im more jealous.
He does more than I do, and I get jealous of that...the easy answer would be...to just go out and do something, but i have so much responsibility at home now, with my mom not being around, that its hard.
I hope i answered all the questions, i replied, but i dont have ur message in front of me... I guess im just looking for some advice on how to be more understanding and less bitter towards him for doing things, i could do too...just without me. The long distance has taken a toll, cause if i were close, i would be with him at night with his friends, or him with mine...but we dont have that option all the time...i think it would be so much easier if we lived closer... we did cause i went to school close to him, but when i moved home, thats when we have become long distance...
Thanks for responding...i appreciate any help i can get :)
wow, you really hit the nail on the head...haha, very bluntly, but thats exactly what i wanted. I need to know that I am wrong about things...and reading what you wrote made me realize, from someone else's point of view, that doesnt know me, i do, do things wrong, and expect too much sometimes...my friends, no matter what will always take my side...and its sort of unfortunate, because my psychiatrist always takes my side...i need some constructive criticism...
I think that your completely right about the way i say things... i should approach it differently...and your right about him being with his friends, and i want him home...haha, it sounds so stupid and selfish...but, sometimes i really wish he would stay home, and talk to me on the phone all night long...lol, its crazy i know, but i am so needy. I never was, i was such an independent person before i met him, and then, it all changed...
He is there for me when i need him, and something that really made a lot of sense to me, that you said, was about making me feel better. I want him to make me better...and ur right im the only one who can work on that, he is there for me... i just wish it was more often. When he's with me and i cry, he is there to hug me, and comfort me, as long as im not yelling at him, haha...
unfortunately, these things are things I see, and did see before i even read ur post...to me, its easier said than done...im so depressed about my mom, im never up for going out with my friends anymore, i always want to be home for my dad if he needs me, and i just dont do enough for myself...Your constructive criticism was great, honestly, and if you have any advice for me, on how to go about changing these feelings, i would love to hear it...i wish my therapist would disagree with me sometimes...i tell her this stuff, and she always agrees... i need advice, not someone to edge me on, my friends can be constructive sometimes, but not always...i dont know...im gonna read your post again, and try to come up with some ideas too...thanks for responding...i appreciate it...
You don't need a psychiatrist that agrees with you all the time.
I agree that it's not your boyfriend's job to make you happy or to provide you with entertainment. "Entertainment" might be too strong a word, if you've only wanted him to be available to talk on the phone with you all night since your mother died, you're probably looking more for comfort than anything else, but when you think about expecting him to comfort you all night every night, it's still too much for any one person to be for another. As awful as this sounds, it's very draining and taxing to be with someone who's sad and down for a prolonged period of time. I really urge you to look for a grief support group in your area. A group like this would be a wonderful source of support for you and an ear to hear your feelings. Since they are or have been in the same place you are, they'll be ready, willing and able to take on your feelings as often as you need to express them. While it's understandable that you'd want your boyfriend to be there for you (and he should be), there's a limit to what should be expected of him and you also need to be aware that you have to face and address your own issues, that you are the only one who can make you better, make you happy, he can't do that for you. You said "It makes me jealous, because unfortunately, im depressed, and dont always want to go out. Instead, i dwell on the fact that he's not there. " and I wonder if you might be doing something I used to do, using dwelling on him and being upset at him as a way to avoid thinking/feeling about your own self? You're the only one who knows if that's possible. I used to use being angry at boyfriends as a way to avoid allowing myself to feel the hurt, embarrassment, whatever emotion that caused my anger. When I forced myself to shift from focusing on what he did and instead focus on how I felt, I was able to experience the feeling and let go of the anger.
You also say you're jealous that he's out having fun while you're home feeling lousy. I have to tell you that it's perfectly understandable that you'd feel that way, I've felt the same way myself and I'll bet most have at one time or another, but feeling that way doesn't make it right. The difference is in the time you take allowing yourself to think that way, and when you say to yourself, "All right, the fact that I'm upset/hurt that he's out doing his own thing doesn't what I think/feel right. He's entitled to his own life, he should be living his own life and I can and should be doing the same." Like Firstamendment said, no one can make you happy but you. I know it's hard, especially in recovering from the death of your mother, but you're the one who has to take control of your own life, you're the one who is in control of your happiness; an outside source (like your boyfriend) can add to your happiness, but cannot make it. You said you home with your father if he needs you. Does he need it? Has he asked you to stay with him? And, if so, how much are you really there "with him" if you're wanting to be on the phone with your boyfriend all night? Not trying to split hairs, but if your father needs you, it doesn't seem like simply having your presence in the house would do much for him and, you can't be everything to your father, just as your boyfriend can't be everything to you; only he can take care of himself. I suspect you stay there because you think you should, or maybe because it's a good excuse not to go out, am I right? It's understandable that you don't want to go out. People who have suffered a loss typically want to just "hole up", but that doesn't help get them out of their funk, unfortunately, it helps them stay stuck right in the place they're in. Going out doesn't sound like fun, you don't really want to do it, but you need to force yourself, and not just once, but again and again. Eventually it won't be so bad and sooner than you think, it'll be fun. The change of scenery (literally) gives your brain new things to look at, conversations you hear (even if you don't participate much) and interactions you watch will all give you a much-needed break from your current thoughts and focus. Again, this won't be fun or enjoyable at first, but eventually, it will. I'd suggest you enlist the help of your friends, tell them that you need them to make sure you get out, and ask them to drag you out and not to take no for an answer. Of course, you'll have to be responsible for handling your part of the bargain and making yourself go when they call. Others on the board have done that and it's a tremendous help. I suspect you will likely resent your boyfriend's time out much less when you're having your own time out and enjoying yourself. One thing you didn't make clear, are your feelings about his going out something that's come up since your mother's death or have you always felt that way?
Something I don't understand is you said that your boyfriend was very jealous in the beginning of your relationship and that jealousy has rubbed off on you. I don't get that. He was jealous of what? How did you feel when he reacted in a jealous way? When boyfriends I've had have acted jealous, it was distasteful to me, offended me and/or had me seeing them in a negative light, it's something that moved me towards ending my relationship with them, not something that I would begin to act back towards them. Are you jealous of things other than his going out? Is this something that's come up since your mother's death or was that an issue before too? I notice that you seem to make your boyfriend responsible for your feelings and behavior. You say his jealousy "rubbed off on you" and that you became needy after you met him. He can't make you needy and his jealousy can't rub off on you. If your relationship is unhealthy and/or dysfunctional, you can and will eventually react with unhealthy behaviors such as neediness and jealousy. Those are symptoms of problems and should be looked into. Why did you become needy? Why did you become jealous? What happened to make you react that way?
You asked how you go about changing your feelings. I think you don't exactly change your feelings, rather, you force yourself to look at them as they really are. You keep yourself looking at them in a reality-based way and consciously recognize that while you're feeling the way you are, you really know that how your feeling isn't correct, and in doing that you force yourself to acknowledge the difference between what you'd like and what really is.
I also agree that if you're not happy with your therapist, you might want to find one who's better suited for you, and that you don't always leave your therapist's office feeling uplifted. I left my therapist's office feeling pretty conflicting and depressed many times. Facing your issues in therapy isn't fun, and very often you're dealing with issues that are hard to look at, not much uplifting about it; but the end result is incredibly uplifting and freeing. I also think if it bothers you that your therapist doesn't disagree with you, you should discuss it with her. You said that you're not able to see her as often as you'd like due to your unemployment. Have you discussed this problem with her? Is it possible that she'd be willing to bill you, allowing you to make smaller payments and repaying her fully when you're back to work? If not, check into other resources that are likely available in your community. Check your state, county, city or other local mental health for referrals to low income mental health. It's important for you to take care of you.
When my father died I remember being struck by how unaffected the rest of the world was, how could people go about their day as if nothing had happened when my entire life had been torn apart? I also remember feeling very much like a turtle that had been turned on its back. I felt helpless and totally incapable of doing anything. I do know how hard it is, I know how devastating it can be. I hope you're feeling better now than you were at the time of her death.
And finally (sorry this was so long -- there was a lot to comment on!) there are some conflict resolution in our Information and Resources section that may help you in a better resolution to the arguments you and your boyfriend have:Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember I have to admit though, that other than the bickering, I'm not clear on what problems might be a result of your state due to your mother's death and what has been an issue in your relationship beyond that, it could be that working through your depression, and moving forward will resolve some of your issues.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks Jennie
you really have great advice to give... im actually seeing my psychiatrist at a catholic charitites...because i have no insurance...so, i dont have much of a choice, unfortunately...but, im going to start seeing a therapist there too...hopefully she will be more helpful... thank you for all your advice...i appreciate it all
Thanks,
Michelle
I agree with you, and i need to hear this stuff...i really do, and i appreciate it...
I know its not his job to make me happy and i know i have to get out and do something about it, but its so much easier said than done...im trying, i am, but not hard enough... The problem is, is that he is the only person in the whole world that i feel so comfortable with...i want to lay in his arms and just forget about my problems... I have a few close friends that i can talk to...but i feel better when i talk to him...but its not fair to put so much pressure on him...
I do def. want to join a group...but, there are some offered at the catholic charities i go to, but even though its not expensive at all..i dont have the money, so to me, it is expensive. Do u possibly know of any free places i can go, to talk about this kind of stuff...
The jealousy thing, well, it has to do with a few things... When i first met my boyfriend, it was a blind date...his friend that i worked with set us up...after a few weeks, his friends and him had a huge fight, and he refused to work it out with them...and slowly, he lost most of his friends...so when i went out with mine...he was always jealous...and i did hate it, but it also made me feel bad...and now, he's friends with all of them again, just within the past few months, and it bothers me, that he would get mad at me for going out with my friends, he would get jealous and say something like...were there guys there? Did anyone hit on you? You always go out with ur friends, going to bars, or Atlantic City (on occasion), and once, in the begining...my friend's father had free frequent flyer miles...and i had this awesome chance to go with my friend to Vegas for free...after the first night i was there...i thought he would break up with me, he hated that i was on my own...he made me feel so guilty for not going with him...So, now im afraid to ever accept another invite to go on vacation with my friends, because he had such a huuuugggeeee problem the first time. So, what i mean by his jealousy rubbing off on me...is that, he was like that in the begining, and eventually, i felt like it was only fair to treat him the same way...So i took on his way of thinking...i guess...
then, he pretty much stopped...but its funny, cause if i get invited out, its to go places...my friend gets free rooms in Atlantic City a lot, and she's invited me a few times...he will act like it doesnt bother him, but a week later it comes up, and he flips about the fact that i went... I guarantee, if i did what he did...go out every night...and stay out that late... he would eventually be a little or more than a little upset about it...i could basically Guarantee it.
Our problems, were definately existing before my mothers death...but, became a lot worse because of it. He is my first true love...my first boyfriend, that i was with for this long...my mom used to say, he is my first real Adult relationship. I used to depend on myself, and only myself, but i was very lonely. When he came along, i guess i clung to him...i wanted a boyfriend so bad for such a long time...and dont get me wrong, i turned down guys before him, but he was someone i wanted to be with...and when we became closer, he was my everything...i love him so much...but i became really needy and clingy, and i dont know why...i wish i wasnt like that, believe me i wish i wasnt at all!!! But i dont know what to do, or how to change...
The biggest issue, was when i moved away from school, back to home... i lived 15 min from him when i went to school...we had about 7 or 8 months together, where we could see each other whenever we wanted...now, its only the weekends...so, most of the problems were when i moved home...i hate waiting for the weekends...i wish i could enjoy my week more...but i miss him so much...but we both have financial problems at the moment... Paying off bills and loans....and not having enough money to do it...
But i do like ur ideas, and your advice...i really do want all of this to change...im gonna go through ur post again, and try to do what i can to get myself out of this funk...and if you have any other resources or advice, please feel free...because after reading those posts today, i feel like you and Firstamendment's posts, i feel like u said i should when i come out of therapy sometimes... but dont get me wrong, i dont come out of there all high and mighty...and feeling like im right...i get a half an hour with her...and unfrotunately, most of its dedicated to what meds to put me on, and whats working, and all of the med side of it... i can see another therapist there, just to talk, thats what im supposed to do...but i dont have the money right now...i wish i did, i wish i could go rely on them more often, but i cant... i need something thats free...if you have any ideas i would really appreciate it...
Thanks for all of your advice.
Michelle
It sounds like the therapist you see is a medication manager, rather than one who does therapy with you. I asked you some questions (a lot of questions, I know!) about if you'd explained your situation, asked if billing was possible, etc. As far as getting low or no cost help, as I suggested in my previous post to you, check your state, county, city, community or other local mental health office in your area.
To be honest, I've never heard of a grief support group that costs money, and I'm surprised the Catholic Charities would expect payment. If you haven't, I would strongly suggest you contact them and explain your situation. Whether you're Catholic or not, they'll likely give you a "scholarship" to attend for free. Otherwise, here's some grief counseling information for your state. For example:
Kennedy Health System Grief Support Groups
Rainbows New Jersey
New Jersey local and national support groups
New Jersey Hospital Association. Mental Health Counseling/Support Resources Listing Be sure to check the end pages of this PDF file, it contains many helpful links
William Patterson University Grief Counseling Note that at the bottom of the page is information for North Jersey Counseling Centers/Randolph/Sparta which provides mental health counseling services (all – not just grief) for free. There are no restrictions for eligibility.
Samaritan Hospice Center for Grief Support
New Jersey Self Help Group Clearinghouse Note that this site also contains links for mental health resources and has an 800 number that you can call to get help locating the kind of group or service you need if you have trouble locating it on your own.
I found many links that focused on death due to cancer, but didn't include them as I don't know if they apply to you. Aside from those I found, check with any of your local hospitals, local mental health centers, funeral homes and libraries for a listing of grief groups in your area. If any source you call does not know of a group, be sure to ask where else you might check to find help locating a group. It seems obvious that they'd tell you if they knew who might have the information, but so often it doesn't happen, it's always best to ask the obvious.
The jealousy thing. Michelle, what you're saying is that you didn't like it, knew it was wrong and knew you shouldn't be constricted by his problems and insecurities, you knew it was unhealthy, but you allowed it to rule you and are afraid to go places you could go with friends because of his reaction. Sweetie, I know you've got a lot going on right now, but please take a good hard look at this. You embraced a dysfunctional, unhealthy behavior, you allowed it to become what guided you. Instead of saying, "Look, if you can't handle how I choose to live my life, that's your problem, but I am not going to stop doing what I want to do because of it. Deal with it or move on because I am going to be who I am" you changed what you did and became angry and resentful instead. Relationships and love are not about putting constraints on each other, it doesn't make the other feel guilty for their choices. It's about accepting each other for who you are, realizing that you are responsible for yourself only and that you can control yourself only -- and most importantly that it is not your place to try to control anyone else. If your partner is right for you, you don't have to try to control them, you are like-minded and your behaviors are compatible as a result. You embraced an unhealthy relationship and as a result, you are in the middle of an unhealthy relationship. It's really unusual that an independent person would become clingy and needy, and I'm wondering what caused you to do so. You say you were dependant only on yourself but that you were lonely. Maybe I misinterpret that to mean you were independent as in lots of self-esteem, self-worth, belief in yourself and happiness with your life (feeling like you don't need a man to make your life worthwhile or to make you whole)? Let me know, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
Edited 8/31/2005 4:48 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"