I really need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
I really need some advice
5
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 10:13am
Alright im about to just end it. We have been off and on the last year. Things got really bad about 4 months ago he lost his job and hasn't found a new one. Really up until a month ago he hasn't had a lot of motivation to find a new one. I have stuck by him and tried to help him out. Since i am a single mom and own my own house (he lives w/ his parents) i can't spot him money or anything. So on my weekends off im tired of sitting home cause he doesn't have any money. Saturday morning i woke up and was stressed and cried (just one of them days) and told him i didn't want to sit in the house today, he tol dme he wanted to go home and sleep and didn't have no money 2 do anything, well later that day went 2 his sisters cookout, called and told me he was going at 5 didn't call me the whole rest of the night. I had to call him Sunday at 6 and ask him if he 4 got about me. He told me he thought i was coming up & he didn nothing wrong by not calling. Later he said he just wanted to give me my space cause I was upset. But really I was upset because of him. I was irrate. We got into a huge fight over the phone, ended in him hanging up on me, me calling back a million times off and on talking & he finally said hes not apologizing he did nothing wrong and he didnt feel like talking, he will call me when hes ready to talk. I know I should be done, he has nothing to offer me, im 26, have a good job, single mom, i just know when we are good we are the happiest, but when we are bad he is the rudest and meanest person I know. And treats me like crap. Please help me..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 10:42am

Welcome back, Honeyap ~ Because I'm at work I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and of course recognized your name. I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so that others have the benefit of better understanding and insight of your relationship and, as a result are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions.


NEED ADVICE
Ex Wife HELP
I know what to do but just cant


Many posters find it very helpful to re-read their old posts, in doing so they can often recognize growth - or lack of it in their relationship and often see their issues more clearly as they aren't in the middle of the emotion as they were when they posted them originally. I hope they help you, too.


I'll be back tonight!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown


my signature exchange partner:


Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide



Edited 8/30/2005 1:15 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 11:10am

Hello Honey...


It's quite simple.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 3:25pm
Agree with the previoius poster. What "was" in your relationship has been replaced by what "IS" and it isn't good. Looking back won't make it so and you have to live in the here and now, not what used to be. He's showing you who he is -- LISTEN TO HIM!!! It's time to move on and when you look back on this, you'll be glad you did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 3:33am

Honeyap, if I read you right, it sounds like you know that ending this relationship is the right thing to do, the title of your last post was "I know what to do but just can't", and this post starts out with "Alright, I'm about to just end it". I'm not really sure what your hang ups to leaving are, and maybe could better address your problem if I knew. I can guess that the major hang up is that when your relationship is good, it's really good, or that while things haven't been good for a long time (is that true?) you're hanging on hoping they'll change back, or that you really know it needs to be ended but are just having trouble taking that step. It would really help to know what you're thinking, what your hang ups are, I'm hoping you'll let us know, it'll help us help you.


What I get from your previous posts is the following:
  • I'm not sure when your relationship started, but your first post, in February 2004, I believe was nearing the first year mark of your relationship. At that time you had trust issues. Unless you have trust issues that came before him, it's most likely that you didn't fully trust him because the situation or his behavior warranted your caution. Having been together for nearly a year should have been much more than enough for you to gain trust -- unless you have previous trust issues from other relationships. If you didn't have previous trust issues, the fact that you didn't have trust at this late date should have been a very serious and important red flag to you.
  • In your next post, four months later, your boyfriend has gone back to his estranged wife to "see if it was really over". There's the reason for your red flag. If he needed to "see if it was really over" he wasn't really through with his previous relationship and if he wasn't through with his previous relationship he wasn't emotionally ready or available for you -- or any other new relationship. You can't focus on a new relationship if you're still thinking about your previous one, or are at all still invested in it, and clearly, he was. It's not fair for you to be in a relationship with someone who's not completely available for the relationship with you, you're getting scraps, and that's not right for any relationship.
  • A year later you post that over the last year your relationship has been "off and on" (which makes me wonder how much good there really could have been?). Not only had your relationship been off and on, he was unemployed, unmotivated to find employment, and actively lied to you to make you think he had a job.

    What I see from all that, Honey, is that your relationship maybe was good for the first year (though the trust issue very likely says it wasn't all that great even then, at the least it wasn't what it should have been), but that the following year was not good, your relationship was off and on and included realizations that he's unmotivated, has poor work ethic and can and does lie to you. Since we haven't had feedback, I can't know for sure, but it really sounds like your relationship was somewhat good for the first year, then went steadily downhill. For the first six months to a year of a relationship is very often not at all a representation of who your boyfriend/girlfriend really is. That's the period where you're putting your best foot forward, being a little nicer than you really are, trying your best to make a good impression, impress your bf/gf and basically keep up some level of "company manners". After that period, one of two things (or both) happens: you become more secure in the relationship, more confident and relaxed and let your true self show (this is the time when many women post very upset because their boyfriends who used to be with them every night of the week suddenly have no time for them -- they're always hanging out with their own friends). For guys it can also signal the "end of the chase", they feel they've "caught you" and no longer need to put on a front showing what a great guy they are, so they revert to who they really are. Often, this is the first real look you get of the guy you've been with for the last year. Since your first year was good and the year following that was not, it would seem likely that this is what's happened. And if that's true, you're seeing who he really is and you don't like it very much. That would mean that you're looking at how things were a year ago and focusing on getting back to that time, to him acting like he did then, when things were good. I have to wonder though, Honey, if you really take an honest look back, was it really as good as you're thinking it was? I mean, considering you had trust issues and he went back to "try again" with his wife, it doesn't sound like he was very invested in your relationship or that you were very secure in him or his feelings. And that's not a good place to be

    I have to warn you, Honey, trying to get back to how things were a whole year ago in a relationship should throw up a huge red warning flag in your head. The reality is that your relationship is two years old and one year of it -- fully one half of your time together has not been good. How reasonable is it to expect behaviors that have been absent for a full year to reappear, especially when you consider that much if not all of that first year was spent being "nice", not being who he really was? He's had a full year to show you how he really is. If this were a quirk or a mood, it would have disappeared a week or so (or less) after it appeared, the fact that it's been there for a year says it's a part of his personality -- who he is. If what I've assumed is correct, these are the things you need to take a hard look at and use your sensible, rational brain to decide what is best for you to do. Your emotional side may not want to break up, but it also wants what is not reality. You're right to want a happy, healthy, secure partnership with a man who is honest, working and caring, but that is not your current boyfriend. You need to keep your goals and what you want and expect in a boyfriend and relationship and move forward to find a guy who can and will meet those expectations.

    So what do you do to help yourself move on? Write a list of everything that's not right with him, the relationship, etc. Be descriptive, explain what bothers you, what you don't like, what you can't/won't tolerate, and don't leave anything out. What the off-on again relationship, the lies, the fighting, etc., is doing to your son, the example it's giving him of how men should be and what a relationship should be like should absolutely be a part of that list. Your son is very important and the relationship you have is what he'll repeat as an adult. If it's not what you want for him, you need to provide him with a healthy, happy example that is what you'd wish for him in his life too. On another piece of paper, write down what is right with your relationship, what you like, what's good, today -- not a year ago. Compare the lists and you may have a pretty clear idea what direction to go. If the list is lop-sided, one list much longer than the other, that would be telling. If these lists tell you ending it is the thing to do, hang onto them. After you've broken up you're bound to experience some doubt and regret, it's normal. Your brain softens the past, making things that were lousy not seem so bad. Every time you question whether you did the right thing, any time you might think about calling him or taking him back, pull that "what was wrong" list out and read it. Reading the problems in your own words will bring the reality back full force. That softness will go away and you'll remember very well what the issues were and how bad they were. If you decide to end this relationship, there's an article in the Information and Resources section, LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS that will help you see why making certain you have no contact after your break up is necessary to help you get over it most smoothly and quickly. This article applies to all ending relationships, harmful or not. I'm hoping you'll let me know where I got it right and where I got it wrong in my thoughts and understanding of your relationship.

    Wishing for the best for you, Honeyap ~




  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-15-2005
    Thu, 09-01-2005 - 5:53pm

    Hi Honey -- after reading your posts, one thing strikes me -- you know he treats you "like crap" and you know you should end it.

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