I want him to forgive me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2005
I want him to forgive me...
4
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 3:30pm
We've been married for 7 years and we've dated for 4 years before we got married. So total of 11 years that we've been together. Past month, I was seriously thinking about divorcing him and it was tough for me to think about being away from him. He was my husband but before that he was like my best friend. I felt extremely lonely and emotionally distant from him. Maybe I was being needy but I felt that we were growing apart slowly. Throughout our 11 years together, there were good times, bad times, and tough times. We always went through it alright. But this time is very different. Because he thinks I cheated on him. Past month, I met a guy when I was going through my tough time. It was not like I went out and looked for one. But I got to know a guy and he came off as very easy going and he was going through tough time with his girlfriend. I guess we both felt like we needed someone to talk to. So time to time, we would talk on the phone about his problems and I would do the same thing. It started as an innocent friendship and one time, we kissed. We felt so guilty and regretted for hours after hours. So we decided to pray for forgivenss and we would do bible study at his place time to time. But my huband thinks we slept together because of what I did. After the kiss, I got scared. I found out that there's still chance of getting STD even from a kiss. So I went to a gynocologist for a test. First, she said there's still chance but rare and she tested me for routine. And this whole thing, my husband found out. Of course, I would not believe him if he tells me he didn't cheat on me after testing for such thing. But that's the type of person I am. I get scared of things and I will not rest until I know it for sure. When we were going through tough times, he was staying at his parents place, and a few times, I would stay at this guys place for few hours at night. We would just talk and do bible study. Honestly, my feelings were going back to my husband every single second. The more I was talking to this guy, I realized how much I love my husband and missed him so much. This guy was not the cause of all this. We had our issues and I was getting ready to face it instead of running away by divorcing him. But my husband can not accept this. I know his pride had been hurt and he thinks I gambled with our love. And he wants to divorce me now. I know what I did was wrong and I looked for help from a wrong place and wrong time. But I can't just let him throw away our marriage because I kissed someone. I know it's not just about a kiss. But he doesn't believe a single word I say. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him and I do ...very much do...regret of what I did. Please...advise me from guys point of view... what do I do to make this whole thing more bearable for him... He is going through hell now.. he's not eating much, he's drinking every night, he can't sleep much. he's crying. I just want to kill myself just seeing him like this.
Will he ever forgive me...?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 9:37pm

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. I've been there too in the past - and I know how tempting a sympathetic shoulder can be.

Like you, I very much understand your husband not believing that the STD test was just due to a kiss. Quite frankly, if my partner said that wouldn't believe him either. And, for the record, I'm a very rational person.

I wonder if the recent events aren't the whole cause of your husband wanting to leave. Perhaps, instead, they were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. You mentioned that you've been through some terrible times before - but always came out of it. Perhaps he was just hanging in there, and it took was this final event to push him over the edge - and decide that he no longer wants to continue the marriage.

(I remember ending my first marriage. We'd been through ups and downs - but the final straw for me came when my husband yelled at me. I didn't leave him because he yelled at me - instead, it was the defining moment when I realised that I no longer wanted to be married to him).

Remember too that your marriage needs a lot more work than getting over the recent events. You must also tackle the problems that led you to the arms of another man. You've got to address the issues that happened during the really tough times and make sure they don't happen again.....and you've got to address the problem of drifting apart.

I would suggest marriage counselling if you really want to save the marriage. However, be warned that the first question the counsellor will ask is "Do you both want to save this marriage?". If your husband's answer is "no" then there's nothing that can be done.

best of luck to you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 12:32am

Soulmate, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like you made a mistake, recognized it and stopped it right away before it progressed, but it has caused great problems in your relationship.


I was thinking along the same lines as Aisha, but she said it better than I could have. As I was finishing reading your post I was thinking that you're focused completely on this incident and the chaos it has created, you're consumed with anguish, sorrow and a desperate desire to make your husband believe you didn't do what he thinks. In the process, you've completely forgotten about the problems and issues that existed in your relationship before this incident. Those issues were big enough that you were seriously considering divorce and while you may have made the decision not to leave your husband, those issues didn't just go away. If the kiss had never happened, if your husband wasn't upset you'd still have to find a way to resolve the issues in your marriage. My point is that instead of thinking (at least seeming to think) that if only your husband would believe you everything would be all right, it might be better (and more realistic) to recognize that this is just one of many problems in your marriage, and I'm guessing that the problems that had you dissatisfied and ready to walk weren't caused by you. I'm guessing your husband has plenty of "blame" to own for problems in the relationship himself. I'm thinking you have every right to say, "I absolutely know that what I did was wrong. I have admitted what I've done and made every effort to make it right, however, there were serious problems in our relationship before this happened and those also need to be addressed." Yes, what you did was wrong. But you are hardly to blame for everything that's wrong in your relationship and I think it's important for you to recognize that and take some of the blame off yourself for the damage.

Like Aisha suggested, you are looking at this from your point of view, you know that you'd decided to continue your marriage, but your husband may have been as dissatisfied as you -- or more, and he may have been leaning towards divorce himself, before the kiss.

I know you want him to believe you, I don't blame you for wanting that. There's nothing worse than to be accused of doing something you haven't done, especially when your explanations aren't believed. As hard as it is, it's important for you to get hold of yourself and realize that you cannot make him believe you and you cannot make think any differently or change his mind, this is something that's not in your control and trying to control something that's not in your power to control will only cause you more upheaval and trauma. Realizing that, getting a grip on yourself and letting go of the attempt to control what he thinks will relieve your stress level a hundred times over. All you can do is tell him the truth, it's up to him to believe it or not. That may be hard, but it is the truth. Take a deep breath and let it go. I don't know this for sure at all, but I get the feeling that his reaction might be feeding off yours. It may be that if you stop pushing so hard, stop reacting with such sorrow and desperate need to make it right, he would amp down too. I get the feeling that you both might be so sucked into the drama of this that you're not really thinking or acting clearly. Taking a step away, calming down and letting him know it's up to him to choose what he wants might just help him back away from the high emotion too.


Not saying the kiss wasn't a breach of your relationship, but you aren't the only problem here and this kiss isn't the only problem either. Some would see it as a warning sign, that their relationship was becoming dangerously damaged and distant and would seek to do serious work on repairing and rebuilding the relationship. It doesn't sound like your husband is looking at it that way. And, just as you can't control what he thinks, you can't control what he chooses to do and how he chooses to react. You're responsible for your choices, your actions, he's responsible for his. As much as I know you don't want to hear it, if he's decided to end your marriage, you can't stop him.

When did all this happen? Considering that you began contemplating leaving him a month ago, I suspect the discoveries of the kiss have just occurred, is that right? If so, he may calm down a bit with time. I will say that his reaction to the issue isn't at all constructive, not to your relationship and not to him. Numbing his feelings with alcohol night after night isn't a very adult way to deal with a very serious issue. That also makes me think that this is new, he's not going to be getting hammered every night six months after the incident, right? I know you're feeling awful about his reaction, but here again, you are not responsible for his choices -- and they are very bad ones. He's the one who decides, you have no control over it, so let yourself off the hook for feeling guilty about what he's doing to himself.

I think all you can do is tell him, "I can't tell you how sorry I am that I allowed the kiss to happen. Nothing more happened and I'm sorry you don't believe that. I believe we have enough to work this out and I would like to do just that. I'm making an appointment to see a marriage counselor and I'm hoping you'll join me. Think about it and let me know tomorrow whether you're willing to work on it or not. Regardless of what you decide, I'm going to see a therapist", and do it. You've got so much guilt and trauma due to the events that you really need a counselor to help you through it. It's a lot to have to deal with, especially when it feels like a nightmare.

Let us know how you're doing, okay?





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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 12:14pm

I believe what your husband is meaning, but not articulating well, is that when he insists that you were cheating, what I think he means is that you cheated on him emotionally--in an very intimate way with another man. You let another man into a sacred space in your head in which he had no business being, no matter how right you think the justification was. Sometimes, intimate emotional infidelity is far more insidious than physical infidelity. Your pastor would have been a better person to confide in and do bible study with instead of this friend of yours.

You cannot make your husband forgive you; he's got to get there on his own. You say you two had issues and probably this indiscretion amplified those issues to a proportion which he feels he can no longer ignore. You may have to brace yourself in the event that your marriage may be over due to this indiscretion.

Not being a guy, I'd say to back off and give your husband some space to deal with this blow. He may come 'round with some couples therapy or therapy on his own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 1:33am
Well, I'm a guy, gay, but still a guy! Having gone through something with my Fiance, Daniel, recently, I can say that I kind of know how your husband feels. Daniel made out with my best friend in the bathroom at my birthday party at the restaurant. And also, everyone has their own definition of cheating. He may consider the kiss cheating. A lot of my "friends" can't believe I call Dan making out with Brett, cheating. well, I consider any intimate physical contact to be cheating. And plus, if Daniel didn't think it was cheating, he would have told me it had happened. And when I asked why he didn't tell me, he said because he knew I would react like that. I said, well then why did you do it if you knew I'd react like that? Well, I won't go into the rest, but there honestly isn't too much you can do at this point, except to go to him, and tell him that all you did was kiss, and you were just making sure with the STD. But, honestly to let you know, I don't know what your doctor specializes in, but me being gay, am very familiar with STD's, and have even gone in and taught high school health classes about STD's....and honestly, the only way to get an STD through kissing is if you both have a cut in your mouth and had recently been bleeding. So don't worry, ok? And let him know that you were just looking for a friend to comfort you. I hope things work out!
Jase