I hope you guys will indulge me here....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I hope you guys will indulge me here....
11
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 1:46am

I'm hoping to post a few questions and hope to get your thoughts, so I hope you'll stick with me and give me your opinions.


First one:
Several of you said you don't post when others have already answered in a way you agree with, or if they answered it *better* than you. I know when I've posted I prefer to get lots of responses, even if they're all basically the same. It tells me that a vast number of people are in agreement about my problem and suggests that they're probably right. If I only get a couple of responses I have no idea that others agree, and basically think most just weren't interested in my post.


What are your thoughts? If you've posted problems on a board before, did the number of responses you got help you or make you feel better heard, cared about or listened to? Am I just oversensitive and project that over to the OP's here?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 5:31pm

I haven't posted many questions over the years. However, when I have,I find that a few concurring posters do help drive the answer home.

You see, if there are only one or two answers - and one doesn't agree with them - one can write the advice givers off as being nutters. But when there's a whole batch of replies that one doesn't agree with - it's harder to ignore the advice

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 5:40pm

You know, you're right -- and I hadn't looked at it that way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 5:51pm

I think this is an excellent point. Speaking from the perspective of a helpee more than a helper, when I post a question/rant, I really look forward to all the responses I might get. I think what the other posters to this thread have said is true, that it helps drive the point home if 15 people say it and that its very helpful to hear different perspectives. I also think that a poster feels completely surrounded by support when 15 people respond (even if they all say basically the same thing) which is a really great feeling. And for a lot of us, this is the only place we get that support (for me, I hate nothing more than spilling my r'ship problems to friends and family and doing the yo-yo on-again off-again thing), so the more the better, right?

I know when I post, I can't wait to hear replies, to help confirm I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do (or, to tell me I am). :D

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 2:36am

Yeah, I know what you mean. How many times can you hit "refresh" almost immediately after posting, hoping, anxiously waiting for a response?!?! I'm sure there are more of our type than just you and me! ;-) And I hear you on wondering if the responses will confirm you're sane or (gulp) not. The waiting is torturous; you can't wait, yet you're not sure you want to hear what they have to say. When you post with problems you typically do so when you're head is filled with it, when it's really bothering you -- you want to talk about it, you want answers and you want them NOW! I hate when read a post of someone who's really in a bad way, needs a shoulder asap, and I'm not reading it until after work, they posted early a.m. and have had no responses. I imagine them sitting all day, periodically checking, seeing that their post is being read, but no responses. Ugh.


Thanks a lot for posting your perspective, and I wasn't really thinking about how surrounded and supported you feel when you get a lot of responses - not that I didn't realize, it just wasn't Better descriptor: Self-centered, childish jerk who feels entitled.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure



Edited 9/2/2005 2:40 am ET ET by 2nd_life

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 3:19am

Thanks to those of you who have shared your opinions so far. I'm hoping to get thoughts from more of you, so keep 'em coming!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 7:09am

I am reticent to respond to issues that I can't relate to.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 11:28am

You make a good point, Dirextor: we are not necessarily going to want to respond to all the posts. I don't feel comfortable with posters who say things like, "We've been on three dates. Should we buy a house together now, or wait until next weekend?" These are serious issues for the posters, but to me the answer seems so obvious that no response is necessary. Or when people ask, "Does he like me? Why is he doing this? Does it mean he's interested?" I'm glad there are people waiting to answer questions like this, because I'm not.

I have to say that the defensive and combative responses on this board are not as numerous as those on other boards I've been to, where people seem to be actively trying to misinterpret the posts and get their feelings hurt. I am also impressed with the compassion and restraint of those whose bangs are singed by the responders--many people here have an amazing amount of self-control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 10:06pm

I agree about there being some posts that I'm not comfortable giving my comments on.

For example, I'm fine with 'dating' posts, "what's he thinking?" posts and "am I over-reacting?" posts. But I feel terribly out of my depth with those who are in serious crisis *and* have kids involved. While they are the ones that need help more than anything, I don't want to give advice that could potentially make matters worse.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 1:50am

I don't think anyone is expected to answer *all* posts, I think answering the posts you feel comfortable answering, are drawn to or whatever is pretty much what's expected, and to some degree, I figured that's what was happening when I was nearly the "Lone Responder". But when it goes on for days and days and you never see a sign of anyone else, you begin to wonder if everybody's moved out but you. And, like I said earlier, who'd post on a board where the number of responses you'll get is 1, and it'll be from the same mouth as all the others. No variety there, I could just give them my home number instead! Too, sometimes I get members who email me asking for advice via email instead of the board. I always encourage them to post on the board, reminding them that they'll get the thoughts and opinions of more than just myself and very likely some insights that I missed or didn't have. Then they do post, but the only response they get is from me. Oooohhhhh. But...bottom line is no one here should feel obligated to respond to any post at all, I just hope you guys do want to respond to some, and, in a perfect world of differing tastes, what doesn't appeal to one of you will appeal to another :)

Geo, I hear what you're saying about not answering a post when the answer seems so obvious, but they posted the question, and they did so looking for an answer. I guess I have to think that means that they're totally confused and so deep in the middle of the forest they can't see the trees; while the answer may seem obvious to you and me, it must not to them. It's also possible that they're being "brainwashed" by their partner (or whomever) and need a perspective other than the one they're getting loaded up with.


Direx, I agree with you on not posting if the OP doesn't give more information when asked; if they're not interested enough to give you the info you need to give an appropriate answer, then it's not worth your time either. Likewise with those who don't take the responses well, no point in adding more fuel.


And Aisha, I understand your concerns about potentially suggesting something that will be wrong in the situation. For me personally, I like to hear a lot of pros and cons so that I can weigh the situation and decide for myself what's best. Offering your thoughts isn't forcing anyone to do anything, it's just giving them a point of view that they may not have seen before, or it may be the same thoughts they've had all along that will encourage them to go forward in the direction they'd already been leaning. Or they could chuck all the advice if that's what they choose, lol! For me, sometimes just hearing different points of view can be very helpful, even if they're not what I agree with or would do, it helps sort things out in my head.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 6:16pm

Coming from an OP's perspective, I agree with you cl. I posted a problem a while back and got a lot of response. It really made me feel supported, and the replies that just said "sorry for your situation" kind of things made me feel good too. It felt like a lot of people cared and were there for me. Interestingly, one of the people who answered said things that upset me and I totally disagreed with, but guess what, it turns out she was dead-on right. I guess that goes to show that hearing what you don't want to hearis really important and it's really important to listen carefully to the advice you get, maybe especially if you don't like it!

Keep up the good work, cl!

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