Was I Wrong? Please Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Was I Wrong? Please Help!
14
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 8:38am

Hey everyone - I will try to make this quick. My H and I have been married for about five years. This morning we were both really stressed, and he said that because I make less money than him, that my time at the office was less valuable than the time he spends earning. Okay, that bothered me a little, but he does make more than me, so I accept that attitude.

After we parted to get ready for work, I was feeling really sad about alot of things in our marriage, and I cried a little as I was getting ready. I don't know why I felt so emotional as to cry, but I did. My H was in the shower during this time, and by the time he came out, I had composed myself and was fine and just getting ready to go to work. When he came out, he asked me if things were okay, and I said yes. As we were leaving the house, he asked me again, and I said, "Honestly, honey, before I cried a little because -" and as I was trying to explain my feelings to him, he cut me off and raised his voice and started accusing me of lying to him. He said that he felt so betrayed, lied to now - he can't trust me to be open and honest with him. I told him that he didn't even let me finish explaining my feelings to him, and he is judging me now. He was really upset with me and said that if I can't be honest with him, he doesn't know if this (meaning our marriage) is going to work for him. He said that by not telling him when he asked first thing, I am putting up barriers and a wall between us. I really am completely honest with him about everything. This morning, I just didn't want to get into a long conversation about my feelings, when I didn't and still don't know how I feel exactly. Plus, we were both heading off to work, which isn't the right time for a serious conversation. All the way to work (we car pool) he basically let me have it for not being honest. By the time we were parting for the day, I was in tears.

What hurts me more than anything is the fact that he gets so wrapped up in telling me how hurt he feels, he never asks me or ever will talk about my feelings with me - it's just all about him and how I have done him wrong. This happens with so many things. I will start to tell him something, for example, "I feel X when Y happens, and it really makes me feel sad" - I always try to be fair, but more often than not, if he doesn't like what I am saying, he cuts me off and gets defensive and totally takes over the conversation. We never go back to my initial feelings. I have brought this up with him, and he says that he cares about how I feel, he just doesn't like that I see him a certain way, when it isn't how he feels. Now I am sitting here at my desk, my H hasn't called, emailed, texted to say he is sorry - I am really beginning to feel as though I was wrong about not telling him straight away, when he asked me the first time. On the other hand, I feel like because they are my feelings, I should talk about them when I feel comfortable, like after work....Was I wrong to handle it like I did? Thanks for reading.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 10:26am

I don't think you were wrong to handle things the way you did -- you're right, they're your feelings and you should be able to express them when you're ready.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 12:11pm

I have to say, that like the other poster, I don't htink you said or did anything "wrong". In fact, I think you handled things (based on what you said) quite well, and that your DH is WAY overreacting. Beyond over-reacting. The whole comment about how he can't trust/believe you now because you betrayed him is a HUGE red flag for me. At BEST it's a defense mechanism so he doesn't ever have to know how you are feeling, at worst it's a signal that he's looking for reasons to get out of the marriage. And the whole comment that since he makes more than you.... Ooooooo, that irks me. You contribute all you make just the same as him. So what that he gets paid more. It doesn't make him more important than you at all.

I think, based solely on what you've said here, that there is SOMETHING going on with your DH that needs figured out. These aren't "normal" comments to make, even in the course of an argument.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 1:40pm

Hey Kim, thanks so much for your kind reply:) I will try to give more info about my relationship with my husband.

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I said "Nothing" the first time he asked me because I didn't really know how I felt, plus we both had to get ready for work. When we were leaving, he asked if anything was wrong again and I told him about the crying...So yes, he felt lied to and betrayed because the first time he asked me about what was wrong, I said nothing.

We have had this issue for awhile but recently it has gotten much worse. This is really the only major issue in our marriage...I'm 28 & he is 30. I have really been getting the vibe that the reason why he cuts me off when I am trying to tell me how I feel, is because he wants to distract me from feeling the feelings that I feel....Because if he is all mad at me because I was disrespectful (which he says I am when I have feelings about him that he doesn't think is justified) then I 'forget' about my feelings and feel bad about having hurt him...

I do try to express myself in a neutral way, and I try to be fair because I know he is really sensitive to any kind of percieved criticism. We have had long talks about him interrupting and yelling at me about my feelings...I have told him that there are times that I don't like how he feels, but I listen because they are his feelings. I told him that I don't feel like he cares about me or my feelings because he acts the way that he acts.

*He says that he can't help getting upset when I express my feelings, because my impressions are so far from the truth.* I have suggested going to couples therapy but he doesn't want to go.

He didn't really threaten divorce...He just said that he felt like me lying and making him feel betrayed, wouldn't work for him. I guess it is threatening....I feel like it is an empty threat, though. It just seems so crazy to *really* want to divorce me over something like that. That's like me saying after this morning's conversation that I want a divorce, you know? That just sounds a little nuts to me.

Other than the times when this comes up, like me not telling him how I feel immediately (like this morning) or having feelings that *he* doesn't think are justified, he is really a great husband. This is becoming a *huge* issue for me, though, because I really feel stifled, like I can't just have my feelings....

I hope that this info helps! Thanks for your response!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 2:14pm

Okay, if you'll indulge me, I want to go through your post very thoroughly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 3:05pm

I'm sorry about your miscarriage....As I read that paragraph, when you said that you went to go coax him out of the bedroom, that reminded me of me....Somehow when we fight (and it's always about how I feel) I always find myself apologizing to him, even when he should be the one apologizing.....I can't believe that in the middle of a miscarriage your ex was like that....That's awful.

He says that he cares about my feelings, though....I guess I have always thought that he gets like this because he is really insecure and is afraid of me thinking bad things about him.

**He is negating who you are as a person and as a wife. In his mind, the only person entitled to feelings or opinions is HIM. Everything is about him.**
How can I fix that? How can I assert myself and my feelings? I really get what you are saying about negating who I am as a person....I don't really feel validated...He shows me that he loves me in other ways, but I really just want to be heard....I've always told him that I don't expect him to agree with me, I just want him to hear me out.

**Have the two of you ever been in a place in your relationship where you could express yourself freely and be supported by your husband, regardless of whether he agreed or even understood your feelings? What are his reasons for refusing couples therapy?**
No, not really. In the past I would just let it go, and now I don't want to do that anymore because I really feel unfilfilled. He doesn't want to go to couples because he says that he has alot to work on for himself and doing so will make him a better husband...He is actually in individual counseling and has been for almost two years (porn addiction). His therapist recommended couples, but he told the therspist that he doesn't want to do it because he doesn't think it would help.

How do you think I can begin to take care of myself? Like not be so involved with whether or not he is upset with me because my feelings aren't *justified*...What ends up happening with me is I tell myself that I'm not going to put up with this anymore and then at the end of the day, I am the one apologizing to him....

Thanks for all your advice, Kim ~ I really appreciate it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 3:41pm

I'm going to answer much like I did before -- it helps me keep my thoughts straight and makes things easier to read, I think! :)


**He says that he cares about my feelings, though....I guess I have always thought that he gets like this because he is really insecure and is afraid of me thinking bad things about him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 3:52pm
I am definitely guilty of teaching my husband that it is okay to treat me this way. I guess I have been doing it for so long that I really don't know how to *teach* him different...I don't want to be unreasonable about this....And I am not sure how I can go about showing him that things are different and that he can't do this to me anymore. I am also terrified that if I do demand more from him, he will just leave me in the end. I don't really have much of a support structure around me, either. I have pretty much isolated myself from family and friends....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 4:10pm

(((((hugs)))))


It might be really helpful to you to start reaching back out to family and friends again -- particularly those people who are especially supportive and "in your corner".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 4:43pm

I'm currently at a point in my marriage where I feel like I'm trying to teach my DH a new way of interacting with me and of being. His family dynamic growing up was if you didn't acknowledge a problem existed, then it didn't. Which sucks. My DH has always let me talk and vent, he just never tried to adjust anything or change so that it would get better. He's also extremely passive so he agrees to just about anything to get me off of a topic, but lacks follow through. It's been very annoying. Fortunately I don't have the aggressiveness that you seem to, but I do understand NOT knowing how to change it or what to do if it doesn't change.

Since my DH uses avoidance, I just don't let that work. I WON'T back down off an issue if I feel it's really important. I try not to cram it down his throat, but I've stopped letting the issues go away. I've also realised that if I want something then I need to go after it, and if he wants it, he needs to be responsible for it. Does that make sense?

With your DH, I really liked Kim's suggestion of saying, I just don't think now is a good time to talk. And if he starts carrying on and on like before, just calmly say, I'm sorry you feel that way but there isn't anything I can do about it. Or, that you refuse to continue the conversation when he's going to talk to you like that. (I've used the latter on my DH and I will tell you that it does annoy the crud out of him. And I've been told that by refusing I'm being mean, unfair, etc etc.) I usually just tell him that I am not capable of continuing in that vein without saying something evil so I won't. And then you HAVE to not engage in it.

Your DH may just decide these changes aren't something he can live with. I worried that my DH would decide that he just didn't want to change and I would have to decide whether or not to continue with my marriage like this or leave. It's heart-wrenching and not something I want. But like you, the longer and longer it goes on, the more and more I just can't stand it. And I have kids. I don't want them to learn this type of behavior and have marriages like this. Which is what really made my choice for me. So far we're doing kinda okay, but the changes I'm making haven't been going on for too long. But I believe my DH ultimately wants us happy, so that's keeping me here.

Good luck and I hope you find a way that will get you what you need.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 4:50pm

Clearly his reaction, to me, justifies the path you took. He's not interested in hearing how his behavior/reaction set up a chain of events because that would mean he would have to accept that he wasn't as perfect as he believes his image of himself portrays.

Berating you in front of others is beyond the pale and reprehensible. There is absolutely no justification he can name to make it ok for him to proceed in that manner.

How many times has he checked himself on what he did to bring about a situation to which you reacted negatively?

He is more interested in making sure you understand how lowly you are to him--it didn't bother him for him to say that your time/job is less important than his based solely on the amount of money his is paying him. Just let you land a job which eclipses his salary and he will go to work on how less of a woman you are that you worked outside of the home.

You two both need to be in marital counselling because you can't even explain your feelings to him without him doing an emotional assault on you. He is not being fair, he is not upholding his marriage vow to cherish you--if he cherished you, he would never do anything intentionally that would cause you emotional duress... and right now he runs headlong, first, into emotionally assaulting you. He has no interest in honoring your feelings or cherishing your esteem--and that sets up resentment and bitterness in you that can't be humored away or ignored. You need an objective set of eyes and ears to help set up a clear understanding within your marriage of what is and isn't acceptable. His selfishness is going to be the demise of your marriage if therapy isn't sought.

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