Having a terrible time communicating

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Having a terrible time communicating
2
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 9:41pm

Hi everyone! Just found this board, and it's perfect for my problem. I hope you can help.

For as long as I can remember, I haven't been a fan of communicating. I just didn't want to hear what I didn't want to hear, know what I mean? I'd rather stick it out, drive myself crazy, and hope the whole situation will pass, instead of finding out right then and there, and driving myself crazy at that moment.

Everytime I tried to communicate with a boyfriend, it's ended in disaster, or hearing the thing I didn't want to hear. With my ex, for example, I kind of hinted something was going on, but never confronted him. Finally, I got myself so worked up, I asked him what was up, and ended up hearing all these awful things. Granted, I'm glad I heard those, and I'm glad we are not together, but it just seems that whenever I bring something up, I jinx the situation and get a negative response.

So onto today's problem. My current bf and myself have been dating for over a year. I trust this guy, I love this guy. I feel I can tell him anything, however, sometimes I have problems asking him about something. He just dumped something on me this weekend, about him wanting to go away for six months for a work experience. Actually, he didn't tell me, he mentioned it to friends around us. He's done this before, just come out and say he's moving away to go to work, or has this other great idea, and sometimes, they are so blunt and out of the blue, that it upsets me.

So here I am, afraid to ask him if he was serious about this or not. We had a little talk about it that night, and he sensed I wasn't happy with the idea. I didn't want to sound like that clingy girlfriend that won't let her bf do anything, so I just said it would be a good experience, but I wouldn't like the idea of him going away for six months.

All these emotions are running through my head now. What if he thinks I'm cool with the whole situation? Does he not care about this relationship that he'd just get up and leave for six months? Am I not understanding enough? Maybe if I let him go, and I'm cool with it, he will come back and ask me to marry him? Maybe he will lose interest in me? Maybe he doesn't care about me or love me like he says he does? I know, it sounds stupid, and is something that can be solved with one thing - COMMUNICATION.

How do I get over my fears of communicating?? Do you think I am in the wrong for bringing up this topic again, and stating how I really feel? Am I a clingy girlfriend for feeling this way, and wanting to express it to him?

Thanks for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 10:00pm

First up, I don't think that you're being a clingy girlfriend for not wanting him to go away. I, for one, don't believe in long distance relationships - and if my boyfriend told me that he was going away for 6 months, I'd break up. Not only because of the distance thing, but I'd view his departure as a lack of commitment. Lastly, I'd be really annoyed if my boyfriend didn't think to discuss it with me before he told the whole group. In short, I think you've got good reason to be upset.

For getting over your fear of communication, I think that your problem is two-fold

First of all, perhaps it's an self esteem/insecurity issue. Perhaps you're not so much afraid of the communication per se - but afraid of the potential result? Afraid of being alone or of hearing criticism?

Second, you could probably learn some strategies to communicate effectively. If one communicates problems in the wrong way, it can have dire consequences because you make the other person defensive and angry. But use some good techniques and they'll hear you.

CL-2nd life is usually on here of an evening and she's got some great resources.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 5:04am

Welcome to the board, Stargazingrl ~


First of all, tweaking your thought process a little might be helpful. Instead of thinking that you had a *feeling* something was up, hinted and danced around it for a while then finally got the nerve to confront it and *boom* it was as you were afraid, all ugly and not fun to deal with consider that your instincts are good, when you sense something's up, something's up. You didn't cause the issue to happen, the issue was already there, you just brought it out in the open. You don't really think if you didn't bring it up it wouldn't really have been a problem, do you? C'mon, you know better than that. How would you prefer to live, hiding your head pretending things are different than they really are or facing reality and choosing to either live with that reality or move on to what's right and what you deserve? Like Aisha, I think your "problem" comes from insecurity and a self-esteem that's lower than it should be. Do you think that could be right? I suspect you're young, if that's true, age and experience will help.


The thing with communication is that until you do it, you can't know what's going on and you can't convey how you feel, so he doesn't know what's going on either. Guessing doesn't work very well at all, and if you want things to go how you'd like at least some of the time, you'd better be willing to take a deep breath and let your feelings and opinions be known! I think you're afraid that by saying what you think or what you want you'll "ruin" things, but that's not true. If saying what you want, think or feel causes a problem or a break up, it means you weren't going to get what you wanted anyway. You'd have spent your time in the relationship silently hoping for things that were never going to happen. By saying them and (possibly) finding out that your guy doesn't feel the same way you're only getting the truth out in the open, and if you want a real relationship, a relationship in which you are happy you have to have truth.


It also sounds like your boyfriend isn't any better about communicating than you are. Announcing the possibility of moving to others in front of you instead of talking to you about it? Obviously, he's been thinking about it, researched it and has been checking it out, this didn't happen over the course of one day, so why wasn't the telling you what he was considering and checking out? What do you two talk about? I'd really like to know!

So what if you ask him about this long-distance thing he mentioned? You aren't going to change anything, either he's really planning to go or it's just a thought he's not really serious about. Either way, until you ask you won't know. What if he thinks your cool with the whole situation? What if he thinks since you haven't mentioned it you don't really care if he goes? Either way (or the zillion other possibilities that are out there) I guess neither of you will know until you talk to him about it. Maybe it would help you to think about how you'd approach this if he were a friend, not a boyfriend. You'd have questions, right? You'd want to know the details, is he serious about moving? Why? All the questions you'd have for a friend still apply to your boyfriend, you still want to know all about it. Once you get those things answered, you'll need to ask the question you really don't want to ask, but it needs to be asked: "So, what did you have in mind for you and I during this six months?" Remember, you're half of this relationship, if he has staying together to have a long distance relationship in mind during this time, it can only work if you're agreeable, and until you tell him you are, he doesn't know where he stands either. You have just as much power and ability to end or continue this as he does, it's not all up to him. I kind of assume since you're afraid to ask that you haven't really gotten down to being certain where your relationship is, right? Do you recognize each other as boyfriend and girlfriend? Have you agreed to see no others? How long have you been going out?


Getting over your fear of communicating is done the same way any other skill is learned, by taking a deep breath and doing it; again and again until it feels comfortable. It's the only way to make yourself known and understood and it's the only way to hope to have a healthy relationship.


There are a few articles in our Information and Resources section on conflict resolution that might help you in dealing with talking about problems with your boyfriend:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting

Let me know what you think, okay?







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