Can anyone relate to this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Can anyone relate to this?
8
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 5:36pm

Hello,

I've been married almost two years. I really made a consious decision to marry my husband. He is a very nice, sweet, kind person. I am actually a very lucky woman in many many ways. He is responsible, good provider, intelligent, funny - really I could go on and on.

Maybe I should preface this by saying I definitely didn't have good role models in my parents for what a healthy marriage or relationship should look like.

Anyway the problem is that we seem to lack "chemistry". I don't even know if chemistry is something that is real or not? This has been something that has been an issue from the very beginning and something that we discussed at length before marrying. When I say we lack chemistry I guess I mean that our sex life is not good at all.

In a couple of my past relationships I had really wonderful sex, the problem were those guys didn't treat me well (not that they were abusive or anything, just typical selfish behavior).

I basically told myself that sex or chemistry really wasn't as important as having a good relationship with a person that respect and admire (we have a great friendship). The problem is I am now becoming very unhappy. My needs are not being met. I wonder if I made a huge mistake and should consider going our seperate ways. Or if I should be more realistic and appreciate what I have?

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and if so, what did you do.
Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 7:09pm
How about you and your husband go to a licensed sex therapist?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 7:12pm
Yes, I have considered that. However we live in an area where there are no "sex therapists". I am going to suggest counseling to him and I know he will be open to that.
I am just concerned that if it isn't there (and really never was) that it is hopeless?!?
Such a scary and sad thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 7:55pm

I can't say that I've btdt, but I do think "chemistry" or a better sex life or whatever CAN be learned, if you both want to. I wouldn't consider going your separate ways until you try everything you can to create it. There are a lot of times where people have chemistry and nothing else, as you already know. That and I have to say that the 2nd year of marriage does seem to be when things start becoming more complancent, so maybe it IS something you can work on, at least for now.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:53am

Welcome to the board, Ivic101 ~


When you say you lack chemistry, I'm not sure what you mean, and it's entirely possible that I'm over-analyzing the word "chemistry" itself. Chemistry to me is an excitement or turn on that happens between two people easily and suddenly, without having to work up to it, so to speak. But, the feeling I get from your post is that what you're saying is that sex isn't great. I personally don't think you have to have great chemistry to have great sex. You can start out slow, without any instant turn on and have some very great sex. I've had great sex and I've had not-great sex, and I'm here to tell you it's absolutely possible to improve not-great sex. What it seems to me that you're saying is that you're not satisfied, and that can be worked on. You might need a sex therapist, but you might not. I'm sure you've identified what it is that isn't satisfying, what you'd like vs. what you get, right? Have you discussed those things with your husband? Have you worked on them, tried other things? More info, please!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 5:09pm

Hi 2nd life,

thanks for your response (by the way, you always seems to give such great words of advice and wisdom).

When I say chemistry I do mean that certain excitement and rush you get easily and suddenly between two people. We have never had that.
The sex is all a matter of perspective I guess. I mean I have freinds who have been married for years and years and either, rarely or never orgasm. That isn't my case. I guess the actual mechanics of it is just fine. So it isn't a case of saying "do it like this" or "touch me here".
It is like we just aren't motivated for each other. We basically have sex because we start feeling guilty if too much time has gone by and we haven't. I feel that it has been this way from the beginning.
I am 29 and he is 34 - too young for this. We don't have any health problems or anything like that.
I'm having a really hard time identifying exactly why it is that he doesn't turn me on. I'm not sure it is something that I can spell out.
We have discussed this situation many many times. Even before we were married we identified this as being a weak area of our relationship. however at the time we both thought the other strengths made up for the lack of passion. Two years into it, I'm starting to feel like I was lying to myself.
It isn't just about sex. It is about all the feelings that come along with great passionate sex. Feeling desired, sexy, wanted, etc, etc. I don't feel those things and I never have with him. I am the type of person that puts quite a lot of effort and care into my appearance - so I was crazy trying to tell myself I really didn't need to have those types of feelings.

So I don't know if I'm chasing some stupid romantic fantasy or if I can possibly creat this type of feeling with my husband.
He is open to trying new things and is open to communication - I just wonder if this is a complete personality difference between us. Something he can't change - and maybe it isn't even fair of me to ask or expect him too. The last thing I would want to do is hurt him by making him feel he isn't good enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:01pm

***Uggghhhh...first post gone to the devil, I hate it when that happens***


Temper tantrum over.


Hello Ivic,


I guess the quick and dirty of my original novella is whether or not you are "in love" with your husband.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 1:50am

Thanks for your kind words, Ivic101, that's very nice of you to say.


I'm afraid I have more questions rather than any answers or suggestions for you, I hope you don't give up on me! Do I understand you correctly that you and your husband don't have sex very often, and when you do it's more out of guilt for the length of time since your last sexual encounter? That sounds like your husband sex drive isn't very high, do you think that's true? You said "Feeling desired, sexy, wanted, etc, etc. I don't feel those things and I never have with him. ". You said it's not about "touch me here, etc." kinds of things, but feeling desired by your partner and feeling he thinks you're sexy is something that I think is conveyed by his manner, his touch, etc. What could he do that he's not doing that would make you feel desired and sexy? An easier way to figure this out might be to ask yourself what made you feel that way with previous partners? I'm a little bit confused as you say you've discussed this subject many times, then say you don't want to make him feel he's not good enough. What are your discussions about? What kind of sexual issues do you talk about? What kind of relationship do you have outside the bedroom? Are you emotionally close? Do you do things together, share deep emotional things and feel close and bonded?


Personally, I don't think that deciding that what you have is "good enough" because others you know have more reason to be unhappy than you is called for. We all have the right to be happy, just because someone else is in worse shape than you are is no reason to settle for less than you want. And I don't think you're chasing a romantic fantasy either, but it sounds like you are trying to create something that's never been there to begin with. I agree with you that sex is important in a relationship and I can understand how you would come to the realization that regardless of what you'd originally thought, the reality of living without the passion isn't something you're willing to give up. It seems that in living without something you want and need does't fade and get easier, you miss it more and more as time goes on.


And finally, I think Dirextor has made some very good points and asked some good questions. It does sound like perhaps you chose him as a partner because logically he seemed like a good choice. In other words, he looks good on paper. But if you married each other based on the fact that you seemed to be a "good match" for a management arrangement and didn't share emotional matching (feelings for each other) then yeah, I could see how having sex with him would be like sex with your brother. No emotional bond or connection would make it a mechanical function rather than an emotional, sharing experience.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 1:57am

Boy do I know how infuriating that is -- and somehow the rewrite is never nearly as good as the original, is it?


For a while a few years back iVillage message boards had a glitch that often had the posts just disappearing. You'd hit "post" and get an error message back. Post was gone forever. I got in the habit of just highlighting my post and copying it before I hit "preview" so that if something happened and my post went away I could just open a new window and paste it in, nothing lost but a few extra minutes. I highly recommend doing it, finding you need it once in five years feels worth it when you need it, believe me. It's a good thing to do if you use a webmail service too (like Yahoo, Hotmail or Myway) nothing worse than writing a long email only to find after hitting "send" that you spent so much time writing your email "timed out" and everything you wrote is gone.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"