afraid he won't love me anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
afraid he won't love me anymore
6
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 6:34am
Hi. My fiance is severely diabetic, he told me, on the brink of any romantic involvement, that he was impotent. I told him that I was willing to deal with that, and, I am. We've been dating for 13 months, and plan to marry next year. I've never been so in love in my life. Though, our sex life is wonderful, we've never been able to have intercourse, he is willing to get help, and does not blame me for this. We've tried every drug on the market, alone and in combination, and external clamps. He told me his doctor said the only solution was surgery.
I felt so alone, desperate, and depressed, that I decided to read a book. The book said that was right. I'd like to ask him to at least consider it, though I'd stay with him, marry, and remain faithful, regardless. Neither of us want more children, so, that's not an issue. My councelor asked me if I would be willing to live the rest of my life without having sex, and, I said, I didn't think I could. I am getting emotional support for myself, and, we still have a romantic relationship, which, I've read, is not always the case, because the man sometimes feels so bad about his inability to consumate the relationship with his partner.
I'm afraid he'll hate me, if I ask him to do this, or, at least think about it. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it, and wonder what it would be like. I don't even know if this is the totally wrong board to post this on, like, a sex board, or something, but, it's more a relational problem, that has to do with sex.
The dog and cat are up, too, trying to offer consolation, but, I realize what time it is. I think I'll read some, take half an ambien, and hope for a little sleep, before I have to start the morning with my daughter. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 7:13pm

I agree, this is more of an emotional problem than a sex problem. And you're on a great board.

I am a little confused about your post....and what exactly do you want to ask him. From the gist of your post, I figure that it's a request for surgery. So, that is what I'll reply to.

The thing that I notice is that you're planning a long term future with this guy, but you are afraid of communicating your needs to him. This is not a good way to start a life together. Yes, I realise that it's a delicate issue, but you do have needs. And at the very least all the options need to be discussed. Quite frankly, if he were to judge you harshly for having needs and discussing them - then I'd suggest that you are in the wrong relationship.

His doctor mentioned that surgery is the only option. Before I write a tome agreeing that surgery is a good option, I need to ask: Why hasn't your boyfriend already instigated the surgery? What discussions did you have after the doctor suggested surgery?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 10:24pm

Welcome, Ijadedgirl ~


I agree that this is the right board for you; a sex board could offer sex techniques and tips, but that's not what you need and it's not what you're looking for. There is a board that might offer you some help on the Diabetes side of things, the Health and Well Being Channel's Diabetes board has a section called "Spouses of Diabetics", but as far as this issue goes, it doesn't matter what the reason behind his sexual dysfunction is, the problem; your concerns and his reaction aren't based on Diabetes, they're emotional and individual.


I absolutely agree with Aisha on all counts, am also assuming you're wanting him to have the surgery, and I will hold off on responding with much until I read your answers to the questions she's asked. I will say that I find it a bit concerning that you'd say you are planning to marry next year, then go on to say that living your life without sex is something you don't think you can do (I don't blame you, I don't think I'd be willing to either) and that the issue (unless I read you wrong has you feeling alone, desperate, and depressed, and that regardless you'd stay with him, marry, and remain faithful. I'm wondering how you can be ready to say that when you don't think you could live the rest of your life without sex. It sounds as though you're saying you're willing to put yourself into a situation that you know you'll be miserable and unhappy in. Is that true?


I also agree with Aisha in that while this is a sensitive area, no subjects can be "off limits" when you're involved in a serious relationship such as marriage; IMO inability or reluctance to talk about issues is an indication that the relationship is not ready to move up to marriage. The need to discuss issues that impact the relationship and either partner in it is vitally important. If you're close enough to be considering marriage, you need to be able to discuss all topics. I do understand and sympathize with your concern of what a talk about this would do to him, but it must be talked about, IMO. Many marriages deal with impotency problems, and the need to face them and talk frankly about them is vitally important, regardless of the cause. He may feel inadequate and unable to satisfy you, but unless you can discuss it honestly, finding a resolution is pretty unlikely. The truth is, if your relationship continues long term without discussion or resolution to this, over the years you'll grow more and more dissatisfied and spoken or not, he'll most certainly know that you're not satisfied and will feel what you're afraid of "making" him feel anyway. It'll be silent on both your parts at that point, you'll both suffer and struggle silently. Talking about the difficult subjects is the only way to go. Hidden concerns, agendas and unhappiness won't resolve anything or making anything better, what it will do is cause more problems and unhappiness down the road.


I want you to know that I do understand what a dilemma this is and your concerns about hurting him. I think though, that if you're thinking of moving forward into a situation you know you won't be happy or satisfied in you're heading into a bad place. He may be a great guy, but pretending you won't want or need something you know you will isn't reality and will guarantee your unhappiness. You may feel guilty feeling so strongly about something so "trivial" or "unnecessary", but sex is neither trivial or unnecessary and you're not selfish, wrong or anything of the sort to need it to be in your life. This isn't easy, I know. Huge hugs, Ijaded.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 11:10pm
Hi, Aisha, and 2ndlife, and thanks for your caring concern. I did speak to him some, and he suggested we postpone getting married for a while, a decission I think is wise, after all, there is no rush. I am not so much afraid to communicate with him, as I am about talking about that particular subject, I think I need to sound out how he feels about the options, as I mainly digested what he had to say, and, we've had no discussion yet. There may be other things, I will just have to see how flexible he is, I am assuming that he is, since we've been actively trying to solve this for some time, with little conflict. Great! Time to get out of denial about personalizing something that is not my fault, on his side, he always assures me he is turned on to me, that I'm beautiful, and that his problem has to do with nerve damage, not lack of love.
Things always look worst at three a.m. I'll just have to do the best I can, with what I've learned about artificial means of sex, he knows it will not work by itself, but, never having encountered this problem before, I wanted to know as much as I could, before I brought it up. Finished the book, ready to forge ahead, now that I understand the physeology. He said he would be there for my daughter and myself, regardless of whatever it was, for the long hall, you are the most important people in my life, direct quote. I really feel I am discreditting our relationship by having so little faith. If we keep trying, injections, pumps, surgery, sex therapy, and then there's no resolution, I'll have another choice to make. I'm the less direct of both of us, a fact that needs to be changed, if I'm to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 2:16am

>>Things always look worst at three a.m.<<

Isn't that the truth!

For what it's worth, a friend had a penis pump surgically inserted, and as far as I'm aware, it's working fine ;-)

Good luck, and don't be afraid to discuss this with him. Your feelings are just as important as his.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 9:12am
Thanks. I'm going down to the bar where I work, right now, everyone hangs out there for coffee, and, this morning, I can, too, since I don't have my daughter. I think it was a good idea, given our situation with his health, that we postpone getting married, I think it will only get worse, as time goes by, a fact I've come to live with, though not like, there's a 30 year age difference between us. He says he's glad to be alive and in good spirits, I'll keep ya posted, on the results.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 11:52pm

There are times that, for me, when I'm dealing with a truly difficult problem it seems that I have to get into a real down funk before I pull myself up and deal with it. It's almost like I have to hit my "personal bottom", throw myself a real intense pity party before I'm ready to pull myself up by my bootstraps and deal with the issue the way it really needs to be dealt with. I guess, when you're faced with dealing with an issue you'd really rather not be dealing with at all, something that's difficult, it's somewhat understandable to have a reaction like that. Going through "denial" before you get to "acceptance" and "action".


For what it's worth, I think it sounds like you're making all the right moves here. Postponing the wedding is smart, it takes the pressure off and gives you time to explore things before committing; reading up on the subject so you can be as in-the-know as possible and can go forward asking knowledgeable questions, having the best information as possible; and talking to him frankly about the issue.


I do understand that this would be a difficult issue to discuss, and I didn't necessarily think you couldn't talk about anything with him, but being able to talk about the hard subjects is necessary in a relationship. The fact that he's willing to talk and can be open and understanding about it is really great and it will help you immensely in struggling to talk about it.


It really sounds like you're moving ahead in a very positive way. You've come to some realizations about the issue, know what you need to do (talk, that is) and that only after you explore the possibilities will you be able to make an informed decision. Smart, very smart.


I'm hoping for the best for you. Let us know how it goes!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"