Fiance is a law student...
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| Sun, 09-11-2005 - 11:34am |
Okay, my fiance and I have been together for a little over 5 years now. We have lived together for the past year and will be getting married next June. Recently, he has started law school. Kevin is a full-time legal assistant for his father and is attending night classes. I totally support him being in law school for many reasons, not just the fact that it will help us be more financially stable (I'm a young teacher) in the future. That's great and all, but this is what he really wants to do, so I'm all for it.
However, I'm a little worried about him. My fiance is ADHD, which really isn't a problem and I'm sure he's working around that when he studies. But he gets out of class at either 8 or 8:30pm, depending on what night it is, but he stays at his office studying until 2,3, and once even 4am!!! I know it takes awhile to read all the material, but does it require 6-7 hours A NIGHT every night, including weekend days and nights? I was lucky to get to spend my whole Saturday with him yesterday but he left at 9pm to go study and I had to ask him to come home at 3:30 because I was having difficulty sleeping without him there (the cats were having the same problem...meowing and harassing me because they wanted him to be there, too! It all stopped as soon as he came home!).
I also worry about him being out that late...mainly for safety reasons. We live in downtown OKC, which is quite safe at night, but to get to his office you have to go through a not-so-nice area that often has some scary degenerates around at night. It's only a mile, but a lot can happen at one of those stoplights.
I guess I'm just looking for anyone in a similar situation. I'm doing fine in the evenings--I have lots of time to plan lessons and grade papers, work out, and catch up on the few tv shows I watch AND I can spend time with friends whenever I want. Not that having my fiance at home would ever stop me from doing those things but now I'm less distracted :P But I worry about his health being up for so long and he drinks so much coffee to stay awake to study. No one I know is dealing with a situation like this so I guess I was hoping I can find someone with some advice. All anyone here ever says "He's in law school, what did you expect?" Well, we had expected him to come home between 11-12 not 3-4 at night.
Thanks in advance!

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Hi!
Honestly, I'm not sure that I'm going to be a huge help. But I'll through a few thoughts out there anyway....
I'm not sure what type of course load he is taking, so I don't know if his study time is reasonable or not. If he's trying to go full-time or close to full-time then it doesn't sound totally unreasonable, though it still would sound high for me. Then again, I don't know what type of student your fiance is either. Does school, etc come easy for him? If not, then that would also up the amount of time he spends on it. Or if he's being too much of a perfectionist at it.... Did he just start school recently or do you have any of his grades to base how he's doing? Is his dad paying for it so he feels more obligated to perform at a higher level?
I can understand feeling frustrated. I would have issues with my DH being gone and studying that far into the night. Then again, my DH doesn't do well with little sleep so it would cause us more problems then it sounds like it's causing you. BUT your fiance does need more sleep than he is getting and using caffeine to stay awake isn't a safe thing to do. Prolonged usage like that can permanently inhibit his ability to stay awake. That's what happened when my dad used caffeine to get through college (full-time) with a wife, three kids, and 2 jobs. And now he's borderline narcoleptic and has had to take meds a lot of his life just to stay awake on his own, cause he robbed his body of its ability to do it for him.
Hopefully someone who has btdt will be able to help more. :)
Jen
Wow--interesting about your dad. I mean, from a medical standpoint it's interesting though I know it's hard for him and his family.
To answer some questions:
"I'm not sure what type of course load he is taking, so I don't know if his study time is reasonable or not." DF is taking 3 classes which is wha the school set up for him. On Monday and Wednesday nights he has 2 classes and T-TH he has 1. The classes end at either 8 or 8:30.
"Does school, etc come easy for him?" Sometimes. Kevin (DF) is incredibly intelligent, but the ADHD often got in the way of his ability to concentrate when he was younger and his grades reflected that. It's not that he didn't understand the material because he remembers like, everything he's ever learned...he just had an uncanny ability with forgetting to turn in work or when test dates were. Now, he has learned how to study properly. His ADHD was often mistreated when it came to learning study skills as a teenager but he learned how around his 3-5th years in college (when he was with me, go figure lol) When it is something he is interested in, he tends to have an easier time learning the subject. As for this stuff, he's interested, but I think a little overwhelmed and not sure *how* to study and to him, more studying = better studying. As a teacher, I know that is not always the best route. I might sit him down with me sometime and maybe he'll take me seriously enough to help him. He can't disregard my ideas because I graduated at the top of my class in both high school and college, and I have been a pianist since I was 6 (I'm 24 now) so studying and memorizing has always been my thing. Wow that was a long answer!
"Is his dad paying for it so he feels more obligated to perform at a higher level?" No. He has taken out a loan. He is attending a private university so the cost is even higher. He works for his dad, but that's all. Now, they are paying for our wedding but that is really only an incentive for me to be cost-effective in my planning ;) Kevin doesn't really do much with all that lol. Typical guy.
Anyway, I hope that answers your questions. I'm just so frustrated with it all. He left at 11am this morning and it's 4:30 and he's still there now. I haven't talked with him in 4 hours. I think part of the time he's playing video games, though. Taking "breaks" but it kind of makes me feel like he's avoiding being here, which is stupid and childish and typical of my female neurocy (is that a word?) and I totally know it isn't true but I'm hormonal and dammit, that's how I feel lol. I'll probably feel different next Monday.
Thanks again!
I quite agree that he may be avoiding coming home. I mean, is there any reason that he can't study at home?
The other thought that hit me was "are you 100% sure that he's in his office studying every night?"
Reasons to not study at home:
Distractions. TV, cats, me, cleaning, laundry, etc, etc, etc. He studies at his office because he has an actual room that is just his for studying. His dad set him up with an empty office (normally Kevin works in the front) that they will become his once he's a full-fledged attorney.
While it may be disconcerting to some that he *might* be cheating on me, it's not something I worry about because I know him. I've already had people put these thoughts in my mind because obviously they thought he could do better than me so as soon as he gets law school into his life he would start cheating. If he were going to cheat on me, he'd do it when he had less to do and more time to actually enjoy the adultery.
I can call him on the office phone and he answers. I can message him on his googletalk IM and he answers. If he were with another woman, would he answer? No.
He's going to crash and burn if he's working a full time job, going to school and only getting a few hours of sleep a night. It's one thing to do this for a week or two during finals, but not for the whole semester.
But, other than expressing your concern for his unhealthy habits, I'm not sure there's anything you can do. Maybe he needs to hit the wall before he will change his ways.
Or you might ask him for a slight compromise...that he come home by 1 AM rather than 3-4 AM, for example, and maybe take 1 night off a week, like Friday nights.
The first year of law school is the toughest though (although I certainly never studied that many hours, night after night! But I'm a very fast reader and not ADHD)...so it might get better after this year.
Sheri
I spoke with him at dinner. He said he would most definitely make it home before 1am tonight. He apologized for staying out so late and worrying me. He said that he was getting distracted with a new game on his laptop (I KNEW it!) and he would try to not take an hour long break to play around because that was the very thing keeping him up late.
It really isn't odd for him to stay up til 3am on weekend nights...he's always been one of those people that just requires less sleep...I, on the other hand, require at the least 8 hours to just function. I'm getting irritable, though, because I haven't had a night of uninterrupted sleep since he started classes 3 weeks ago because I wake up when he comes home usually.
Anyway, I guess problem solving for couples 101 is really to just communicate. When I told him I had posted about this being a problem to me, he immediately reacted. He knows when I post about something going on between us that it's really bothering me and he takes action. Maybe I should post about everything ;)
I know the first year is the roughest...they even have spousal support with the university for those students who are late bloomers like my fiance lol. I'm not sure I need that, per se, because we don't have children, a home/mortgage...we just have our little apartment and our kitties and that isn't too much to take care of by oneself! I've also learned that I can immerse myself in my work when I need to and it keeps me from getting lonely. I will be immersing a lot this week, just because it is a busy week for my newspaper staff!
Thanks to all that replied. Hopefully I won't be back with this problem!
As a side note, my son (17) is ADHD. I have a friend who's husband is also ADHD and an attorney. Over the years my friend's husband has found that staying on his medication helps his focus and organizational skills immensely.
ADD/ADHD Teens and AdultsGood luck and let us know how it goes!
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you write: "I know it takes awhile to read all the material, but does it require 6-7 hours A NIGHT every night, including weekend days and nights?"
Yes. I'm pretty much on the same tip as your friends---he's in law school.. all of the reference materials he needs to use are in the law library and unless you can afford to furnish all of the materials in your home, he's going to be there doing his studying. Clearly, he's got an agenda for graduating, passing the bar and landing a good lawyering gig and I think you would be far happier in the long run if you developed some more distractions to occupy your time and attention.
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