Help! I want him back!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2005
Help! I want him back!!!!!
7
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 9:45pm
started seeing this guy a little over two months ago. I told him the whole time that I was scared and needed to take things slow. I told him that I had been in a relationship prior and been hurt really bad, so it was really hard for me to trust and open up. He was very patient but, borderline clingy. I did like him a lot and was starting to accept it. He told me that he was falling hard for me and that he wanted me to meet his mother. We spent the following weekend together and had a good time. I locked my keys up in my car and was upset at myself for it. I have an extra key but it was a hour and a half away from where we were so, he called a locksmith and said it would be 50 bucks. I only had 47 with me and did not want to tell him that. I also did not want him to have to drive me because that would be 3 hours worth of driving. So, then I panicked thinking he was probably as frustrated with me as I was myself, and said I think when I get my keys out I will go home. I wasn't mean about it. In the process of all of this my son called crying wanting me to come home. So, of course he was understanding about that. But, I realized he was upset so, i asked him. He said that when I said I was going home it was like someone had kicked him in the gut, and now he was scared and does not want to get hurt. He hugged me kissed me on the head. When I realized that i had hurt him it hit me like a ton of bricks... I am crazy about this guy. Well...now he won't call me answer my calls, or anything. I took him a peace offering. He told me that he was confused and didn't know what to do. I apologized and was very sincere. I asked him if he wanted to pursue anything further with me and he said every ounce of him did but, he is still confused. He hugged me and said that he would call me later that night. I haven't heard from him since. It has been 4 days. I have called him he won't take my calls, I have left a message for him if he wants me to leave him alone to say the word. Still nothing. I do not know what to do here. And what the heck does all of this mean? HELP!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 12:04am

I'm sorry you're so upset and confused, Orgirln99, but before I can give you any thoughts I need to make sure I understand the situation. He's upset and hurt like he was "kicked in the gut" because you said you wanted to go home? I do understand that this was a bit of an emotional situation for you, you being upset about not having enough money for the locksmith and not wanting to have him drive you so far away to avoid the charge, and I understand that you were keeping all that to yourself rather than telling him what the problem was, but feeling insecure and unsure about being hurt because you said you wanted to go home seems a little drastic. Is there more that you didn't mention? Do I understand the situation correctly? Professing to be head over heels at the eight week stage is a little early too, how old is this guy? Has he had a lot of relationship experience? And just so I don't have to ask more questions when you give your answers, how long has it been since the relationship that left you hurt and leery? Sorry for questions instead of answers, but your answers will help a lot!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 12:20am

He is 34. It has been 2 years since my last relationship. He did spend a lot of time planning this weekend for us, and when I decided to leave I said I think I will go home when I get my keys out. He said he felt like he gave 150% and I didn't care. His ex-wife just "up and left him". (3 years ago) I have said I am sorry for my part in all of this and sent a very sincere email explaining my feelings. My biggest question is if he does not want to see me anymore why wouldn't he just say it. I am confused why he refuses to communicate with me. I have specifically asked him to tell me if he didn't want to see me anymore or even if he is still unsure. He seemed very sincere and very torn when I did talk to him but, I am at a complete loss here. Why would he say every ounce of him wanted to pursue this but, then he avoids me?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 3:11am

Thanks for the explanations, Orgirln99, it helps. I agree with you on your thoughts, if he doesn't want to see you anymore, why doesn't he just tell you, but I also know that sometimes that's the way guys operate. Been on your end of it myself.


The bottom line, unfortunately, is that if he doesn't take your calls and won't communicate there's nothing you can do -- you can't make him talk to you, and if you continue to try to get through to him I think in the end you'll just feel humiliated for all your attempts. It sounds like you've explained to him what was going on with you, and how you were feeling, apologized and let him know how you feel, there's really nothing more you can do. If he's chosen to drop it, you can't make him change his mind, and you can't make him communicate that with you either. Yeah, it's lousy, it keeps you on the hook, is more painful than just being straight, manning up and telling you how it is, but how he conducts himself is his choice.


I know at this point it's little comfort, but there are some blessings here. A guy who's been married and had it end badly should be much more emotionally adept than he seems to be, professing to be "falling hard" for you at the eight week mark is waaay premature and is a big red flag for being a guy who makes important life choices without having enough time invested to be making those kinds of choices. He ought to be playing it a little cooler, spending more time before jumping hard like that to assure he's making a good decision before getting in so deep, you know? If he runs this hot and this cold, a long term relationship would be pretty rocky with him and probably wouldn't last. A guy who professes love or deep feelings early in the relationship (or is clingy), screams desperate and makes me want to move away, not forward. Another thing is if he's a guy who tells you that he wants to continue, tells you he'll call you that night, then doesn't and ignores your calls and emails, he's not the kind of guy you thought he was and isn't the kind of guy you wanted to be with anyway. Common courtesy and the guts to be honest about things should be a part of his character, but apparently, it's not. I'd say at this point, even if he did decide to call you, would you be interested in someone who'd choose to ignore your calls for four days? Would you be interested in someone who'd tell you he'll call you "tonight" then not call for four days? I don't think there's any excusing that, do you?


If it's been two years since you were hurt and you're still carrying the damage into new relationships, I'm thinking it's time to see a therapist to unload that baggage so you can move forward without it. That guy that hurt you shouldn't still be with you, you don't deserve that, you shouldn't let him continue to hurt you and affect your life. Have you thought about working with someone to leave that all behind you? Speaking as someone who's unloaded relationship baggage with the help of a good therapist, I can tell you it's a very worthwhile thing to do; the results will improve the rest of your life.


Having been where you are, I know none of this really helps at this point. I hate when you're left with nothing but unanswered questions, but sometimes that's how it is. I'm sorry this is happening to you, you don't deserve it.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 5:04am
It's a good thing this happened so early in your rrelationship--he is showing youn that he doesn't have the flexibility or resiliency to cope with problems. I understand that he had a lot invested in this weekend, but come on--life happens! Just tell yourself that you're glad you found out now, when the crisis was keys locked in the car, rather than a year from now, when the crisis might be something to do with your parents or your son, and he makes it all about him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 8:53pm
Yes geoteo, I do agree. If this is the way he deals with problems it would be very bad later on. Communication is the key to all relationships romantic or other. He and I actually had that conversation before, kind of ironic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 9:05pm

Thank you for the good advice. These are all things I have thought to myself, since this happened last weekend. You are right, if he did call after this much time has passed I would be afraid of running him off again if we got into another misunderstanding. I can't really go through this over and over it just isn't healthy. I have also thought to myself if he really did feel or think he felt the way he said he did, he would at least have the decency to tell me that he choses not to see me again. It just makes it harder to put it behind you and move on when someone leaves you hanging like that. I do feel much better today though, and as Donna Summers once sang "I will survive". ;)

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 12:56am

Yeah, you will survive, though it may not feel like it early on.


I remember a relationship I had that, which, interestingly enough lasted right at two months. I'd known him casually and thought he was the greatest guy. I had him waaay built up in my head. When we started dating I was elated and tried really hard not to notice where he didn't hold up to my image of him. The truth is, he really wasn't so right for me, but at the time I wasn't wanting to see that. Our relationship ended very abruptly and very strangely, to this day I don't have any idea what brought it on. He invited me to a very casual dinner at his parents'. I'd already met his parents, but his siblings were going to be there and he wanted me to meet them. I saw him the night before and everything was great. The next day, my daughter had come down with a bad cough. Since his father is in poor health and there was going to be a newborn there I wasn't comfortable just showing up with a hacking child so I called him and let him know what was going on (he has kids himself so is well versed in child issues) he agreed that it probably wasn't a great idea for her to be there, said he understood and he'd be by later to see me. When he came over, he made noises about being concerned about whether I was tied to where I was living (we lived about 100 miles apart), the fact that if he ever had custody of his kids it would mean living with four kids rather than two, and ended by saying he needed to take a break. Three days later I still hadn't heard from him, the usual daily phone calls had stopped. He answered when I called but didn't offer any response when I asked what was going on, what had happened, etc. He basically blew me off. I felt that I deserved an explanation so I made the drive to his house to face him and get the answers I was looking for. If he wanted to break up, fine, but for Pete's sake, give me a clue what happened and why! What I learned then (and have heard again and again on the board) is that you can face them and take any kind of stand you want, you can plead, demand, whatever, but you cannot *make* them tell you anything. I ended up leaving without getting any of my questions answered. I felt more frustrated and a lot humiliated that his last picture of me was looking angry/demanding and needy. Not pretty at all. If I had it to do over again, I would not do the confrontational thing. Much as I want answers and believe we're all owed them, it's better to let them be the jerks and let the dang thing fade with your head up than to be the one who creates the last picture. Much as this break up hurt (and it really hurt), he really did me a favor. He wasn't right for me, but at the time I was so focused on my image of him that I would have ignored it all and moved forward with the relationship. In retrospect I was so busy trying to make sure I was right for him that I didn't even consider myself. I was way too *thrilled* that he was with me. If we had married (God forbid) I would have eventually come to my senses (you can't delude yourself forever) and I would have been in a very unhappy position with a guy who wasn't what I wanted or needed and wouldn't make me happy. Just thought sharing my similar story might help you feel a little better. Live and learn. I'm a wiser person for having had the experience, and the therapy I finally got myself into a while after this relationship didn't hurt in making better choices for myself after that either!

It sounds like you're on your way to moving through this. Your perspective sounds great, I hope you get through it with a minimum of hurt.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"