How Can I get him to DO Something???!!!!
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| Mon, 09-12-2005 - 11:14pm |
Hi, It's my first time to this message board.
I just got married 7 months ago.
My husband is 29yrs old. I am 24 yrs old.
I constatly feel like I have to nag nag nag to get him to do things!!!!!!!
I AM SO FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!
For example, planning our reception party.
........I had to ask him 4 different times within 2 weeks to get his addresses so we could send out the invitations!!!!
I even wrote them out clearly and had the list ready for him. It ended up into a fight EVERY time I brought it up!
Then it was about helping me pack our apartment when we were moving last week. I started packing three weeks in advance, a little at a time. He hardly packed anything!! I asked him if he could please call the utilities companies to let them know we were moving out and to prorate our bills. He had only called one company a week later, so I ended up doing the rest!!!
Now it's about our thank you notes.
........I have done 3/4 of the notes. I didn't mind doing them, since most of those were my family and friends.
I asked him, nicely, if he could write the ones to his side. (I did some of his fam ones) He said "NO, you have better handwriting!!" I told him that it didn't matter, and that we both needed to contibute to the writing of them.
He finally agreed to do them.
I get home today, andhe is watching Football!!!! I ask him if he did any thank you notes and he obviously DIDN"T!!!
He said he didn't know where they were. I had them placed on the table with a rewritten sheet of the names he had to do!!!!! *VERY EASY TO SEE
I don't even want to talk to him.
I quit doing his laundry as of yesterday. He hasn't had to do it more than 5 times since we've been married!
He is almost 30 and I feel like I have to constantly nag to get him to do things. Then when I'm pissed off and not talking to him, he says, " oh, Megan is in a bad mood. It's a real joy coming home to you like this"
I'm so tired of this happening. He doesn't see what he is NOT doing. And he always turns it around and acts like I'm the one at fault!!!!
I mentioned how he came home from work at turned the t.v on to watch sports.
well, he does this every time he comes home from anywhere. It pisses me off so much.
I knew he liked sports before I married him. I too like playing sports, but I don't watch them, or anything every day for hours at a time. It's constant.......I can not handle it. He listens to talk radio/sports radio and it bugs me so much.
I tell him that these guys (sports broadcasters), are such low lifes. They spend their days analyzing how men play sports. Talk about an unmeaningfull life!!! And my husband supports it!!
I know each person in this world has the right to do what they want with their life. But I see sports addicts like I see celebrity addicts. . . . obsessing over someone elses life instead of obessing over what really matters in life.
I'm going off, I know. But my husband is an openminded, non sexist kind of guy, and I don't understnad how he can be this ignorant!
Edited 9/13/2005 8:34 pm ET ET by immeggie

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am i overreacting?
is my boyfriend and his family addicted
A few questions for you first...is this the same guy you posted about before? If so, is he still using marijuana? Is this a new behavior or did he act like this before you got married? It sounds like this isn't new since you mentioned he stalled in getting your addresses for your reception. Does he do this in other aspects of his life too (like work and friends) or is it just at home? Did you live together before you got married?
By the way, you are absolutely right on the mark with refusing to do his laundry, it's definitely a step in the right direction, now don't you cave in and do it, no matter how long it takes!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
Edited 9/13/2005 1:14 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Your question was "How can I get him to DO something????!!!!!"
I've been married quite a bit longer than you have, and this is something I struggled (and so did my DH) with the first several years. I can save you some time learning it, I hope.
YOU CAN'T.
He will do what he wants and what is important to him. Period. You can't make him do things you want him to and trying to get him to do things he doesn't want to do is only going to infuriate you and him. If they are so important to you that you want them done, then you need to be responsible for them and make sure they are done. If you don't care, leave it. If he wants it done or it gets too bad for him to tolerate, then he can do it.
So, stop trying to make him do things. You can only decide whether or not you are willing to live with him, as he is.
Jen
Wow,I did post here a long time ago! It's interesting to see!
Yes, it is the same guy. He still smokes sometimes, but not near as much as he used to. His mom doesn't smoke anymore either. I never noticed this behavior before we got married, but we didn't have any mutual responsibilities.
We didn't live together before we were married.
I don't think he acts like this at school (he's a teacher.....a well liked one). He does leave things till the last minute.
As for the laundry, I am definately not doing it.
Sure, there is plenty she can do, but she can't make him do anything. She just can NOT do the things she doesn't want to, ie his laundry, picking up his stuff, cooking for him, etc. Whatever she doesn't want to do she doesn't have to.
Still can't make him do anything, even if he "says" he's going to do it just to get her off his back. She has to do what is important to her if she wants it done. If this were due to drug use, I think there would be more evidence of it in things outside of the home. And if he's a guy who thinks his wife should do it all, well... he isn't likely to just up and change his mind. But nagging isn't going to get anyone anywhere.
Jen
<> You haven't smoked much pot, have you Jen ;) spacing out and "forgetting" to do things are pretty par for the course!
And yes, you're exactly right, she can make sure he's responsible for doing what he's agreed to do by not doing it herself. I guess the implication I got from your post was that he wasn't going to do anything so she should just give up and do it all and that, I think, is wrong, wrong, wrong!
Edited 9/13/2005 9:32 pm ET ET by pandabu
Ok, so he procrastinates and puts things off till the last minute, that much you know for sure and you said you're not sure if this is new behavior for him or not because you didn't live with him, but what did his house or apartment look like? Was it clean, neat and tidy or filthy? Stuff scattered around or put away? Were his affairs in order? Did he forget to pay his bills, etc.? If none of that is true, unless he had someone cleaning up for him like his mom, a cleaning service or you, it's a pretty safe bet he handled the home chores pretty well. Have you guys talked about this stuff? What's he have to say about it? And I wonder too, is it really a matter of him not getting stuff done or does he just not do it in the time frame you'd prefer it done in?
I'm kind of surprised that you didn't know he watched and listened to sport 24/7 on the tv and radio. Didn't he do that around you? How long did you go out? Curious too, how old is he? Has he been married before?
Good questions!
OKay......we dated for 3 years before we got married. He lived with his MOM when I met him, at the age of 26! (I was 21) There were major issues with that and I told him I thought he should move out becuase there was always drama (she was over-involved in everything.....very co-dependant) .* He did pay rent and had graduated college before he moved back in. He hasn't been married or lived with a girl before. He does have a twin sister who still lives with their mom.
His room was pretty neat, but he kept a lot of crap that should have been thrown away. And his mom did his laundry for hiim a lot of times, and ironed his work shirts (which I refuse to do)
We have talked about this a little. It's usually when I'm mad and frustrated! He always has "reasons" why he can't/didn't/shouldn't.
I tell him, " We are a team Aaron. WE have an apartment, WE have bills, WE have to move, WE have thank you notes to write."
I wouldn't say I want things done in an unrealistic timeline. 3 weeks went by without him getting the addresses for our reception!!..........And I couldn't get those myself!
I did know he loved to watch sports. But now I'm witnessing him when we visit my parents or his.......the 1st thing he does after saying hi is lay on the couch and watch sports. He used to stop by my work (i'm a nanny). Ten minutes later, he would be upstairs watching sports!
So you're saying that before you married he lived at home? What I get from that is that his mom took care of everything, the housework, his meals, his laundry. Like you said she was over-involved and codependant, which means he didn't do squat because she did everything for him. He moved because YOU told him he needed to? Really?
Honest? It sounds like you've got a guy who was raised to believe that he's to be taken care of and since you've taken his momma's role, you would be the woman caretaker now. You didn't discuss who was going to be responsible for what before you got married? You're the one telling him, " We are a team Aaron. WE have an apartment, WE have bills, WE have to move, WE have thank you notes to write."? It sounds like you've taken his mother's place in directing his life. I'd be really careful about sticking yourself in that position. It sounds like you've got your work cut out for you, and an uphill battle for many years to come.
Sounds like you had a good idea that he was into sports 24/7 though.
So he moved into this filthy house with two guys. He would clean the bathroom when I would come to town.
He's not a dirty person.
I realize and have told him that his mom did everything for him and that he needed to do things himself. To this day when he asks me to iron his shirts, I explain to him that I too hate to iron, and that he is capable of doing it himself.
Like I said, I'm done doing his laundry. I never minded doing it; it was thrown in with mine and I do my own, so I would do his. But now it's important that I Not do his so he can learn that I am not his mother.
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