Am I right or wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Am I right or wrong?
10
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 2:19pm
Hi everyone,
I am in desperate need of some advice. Warning...this is going to be a long post. To start, my ex-fiance and I had a 7 year relationship which came to an end 2 years ago. We have 2 children ages 6.5 and 4.5 now. Basically what happend is that she came to me and said that things aren't working between us and we need to go our own ways (no seperation period or anything). Anyway's, 2 weeks went by and she decided she was going to go out with this guy (her former manager from work which she quite). She said that they were just friends. I had no problems with her going out with this guy but then the weather got really bad outside and it was getting really late (around 2am) so I started to call her cell phone. Needless to say, she didn't answer. I was worried sick about her and kept trying to call her. I left messages for her to call me to let me know that she was o.k. I even went as far as to call his cell and home phone and leaving messages for someone to call me back to let me know that she was o.k. No one called. 5 am rolls around and she walks in the door all in tears saying that she was sorry and that they "BOTH" fell asleep. Well I start wondering what they were doing that made them both soo tired. To be completely honest I was majorly pissed and worried to death by the time she got home and when she walked through the door and I saw she was fine, well then I was just pissed. A little while later, my kids tell me that they saw mumma kiss him. I was completely discusted that she would let the kids see that seeing as how they were still living with me and I was supporting them still and I dont think that I was given nearly enough time to get over her or come to grips with what was going on. I don't know, maybe I'm being unreasonable. Maybe a few weeks is enough time. What does everyone think. In anycase, she eventually moved out, just before christmas. She moved back in with her parents. Oh we talked about how I felt used and how I felt she was cheating on me with him when this whole thing started. I know that we were broken up but she was still living with me and I was supporting her. I asked her if she could give me a chance to show her that things could change and that I could change. Just 6 months then if she still didn't think things were working, she could do whatever she wanted. But I also asked that she put things between her and him aside for that time because there would be no way that I would get a fair chance if she's still seeing him. She said she was going to meet him that night and tell him she couldn't see him anymore. She stayed out all night once again then things never changed between the two of them. A couple of months went by and I moved. She started to tell me how she wasn't getting along with her parents and her brother was making stuff with some chemicals that the kids were having an alergic reaction to so I offered to let them move in with me. Sorry I need to back track here. For you guy's and gals to make a fair judgement I should tell you her side. She said that she has felt frustrated and unhappy for a long time. She would write me letters to say how unhappy she was. We would talk about it and then she would seem fine after. Then a while later she would do the same and the same results. O.K. so they move back in and stay for 2 months then moved back to her parents after her brother moved out. I got a nice big condo for us because I was led to believe that the 4 of us were going to live there. They moved out, I got stuck with a 1 year lease. Time goes by she keeps popping in and out of my life. I give her free access to my place so that when she's dropping the oldest one off at the buss stop for school which is just next door, Her and the youngest one would have a place to hang out and play until they had to pick him up again (since he was only going for a half day). Also she wanted to excercise and there is a gym in the condo. I have gone completely out of my way (I think) to let her know that I want to try and work things out. To present day. She told me that he was going to move. I happened to see his car in front of her place one day so I followed them to see if he did move. Well he still lives in the same building maybe just a different floor. She's been telling me that she's going to her brothers' place up north for the weekends. The kids tell me that mumma only goes up if I ask. In other words, She doesn't go up with them but if I ask the kids, they are to lie to me. Sat night she brought the kids over for 1/2 an hour then said that they had to go because it was bed time. Sun they were out for 1 hour past their bed time while they were out with him. When I saw that they were with him I lost it and confronted her. I said that I wanted to talk to her but alone away from the kids and him. She said "no he doesn't have to leave." I got really angry and started to yell at her. He raised his voice at my kids telling them to go inside before I had a chance to tell them to go inside. I almost lost my mind. I told him never to tell my kids what to do or to raise his voice at my kids again. She took his side. Am I wrong to think that she's just using me(oh by the way I always gave her money whenever she needed it as well as pay my child support payments every month). I'm not sure what's going on. She takes his side on everything yet she say's that she doesn't know how she feels about him. She say's that she still loves me but just isn't "in love" with me. She said she kissed him because he makes her feel good but she's not sure how she feels about him but she loves me but can't give me another chance? I think she's just trying to play me. Have her cake and eat it too. I think she's a bitch. I hate her but still love her. What's wrong with me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 8:56pm
No, you're not wrong to think she's just using you, she is. The question is, why are you allowing it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 9:09pm
That's an excellent question. I'm not sure. I feel like I still have to be there for her because I don't want to see the kids to suffer or want the kids to see her suffer. Or maybe I'm just insane and still in love with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 9:27pm
You don't have to be there for her, you have to be there for the kids. There's a threshold she should not be allowed to cross. Divorced and separated parents do it all the time. She's using you. She's got the other guy for fun and games and you for money and perks. She's not thinking about coming back, she's with him. Unless she's ready to make some strong moves to prove she's willing to try (like absolutely no contact with him and seeing a marriage counselor with you) there's no point in playing this game. She's making no moves that indicate she's willing to do any real work to rebuild your relationship. She's lied to you, has the kids lying to you and you know it. She's showing you very clearly what this is about for her, you're just not wanting to see it for what it is. You need to set some boundaries. Unless, of course you want this to continue just like it is forever and ever because she's not going to get off the gravy train voluntarily.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 10:09pm
Wow pandabu you are incredibly wise. I think I did know it all along but I think I was scared that if I was wrong I would be the one throwing away any chance of a reconciliation. My friends would tell me what you just said but I don't think I listened because they are my friends and they are suppose to be on my side. To hear it from a complete stranger has opened my eyes wide. I thank you for your words of wisdom. I am tired of being her bank machine and little toy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 12:59am

I completely agree with what Pandabu's said. Lmbsc, I think it may be time for you to consider that there's not going to be any reconciliation and certainly your actions aren't bringing you any closer to one. What she's doing is using you and you're allowing it. She's losing respect for you as she watches you do whatever she wants, roll over at every turn and turn yourself inside out to do or get her whatever she wants. She's made the choice to separate, now she needs to learn what it is to be on her own. Yes, you need to pay child support, but you don't need to give her the keys to your place so it's more convenient for her to hang out for half a day waiting for your child to be through with school. All us parents went through kids who are in school for half a day and I can guarantee you none of us had the luxury of hanging out and playing while we waited for our kids. We had lives to lead, jobs to get to, chores to do -- whatever, but we dropped our kids off, did what we needed to do and got ourselves back to pick our kids up at the appointed time. If she wants to join a gym, let her -- she can pay for it. If your kids want to use the gym, they can -- whenever they come to visit you (by themselves, not with Mommy in tow). Set some guidelines as to when you have visitation if you haven't already done that and if she's not agreeable, see an attorney. In fact, it's probably a good idea to get your visitation plan approved by the court. It will save a lot of headaches and put an end to argument about when you see them and for how long. I'm hearing you say that she's not such a great mom right now, having the kids lie to you is not a good thing, not at all. Having them be present for arguments between you, her and her boyfriend also doesn't show her to have their best interest in mind. Kissing him in front of them two weeks after your break up (and since you were all still living together at the time, as far as the kids believed, you and she were still together) is very confusing and damaging for them. Have you considered taking custody of them yourself? That would put them in a more sane, structured, healthy environment and would keep your dealings with her and her wants/needs/whines to a minimum.


Like the saying goes, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission", I'm glad you're done with giving your permission. Another saying that applies here is "When someone shows you who they are, believe them" She's showing you loud and clear. It's time for you to believe her. Time to get out of this stuck place, take a look at reality and make some hard changes. It'll be hard, but healthy and best for everyone.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 1:59am

>>Have you considered taking custody of them yourself? That would put them in a more sane, structured, healthy environment and would keep your dealings with her and her wants/needs/whines to a minimum. <<

LMBSC, I completely agree with all that's been said so far. I also was going to suggest that you consider seeking custody of the kids, but 2nd life beat me to it :-)

The most important thing for the kids at this stage is stability. And to have a parent who is a good role model, actively displaying how to be a responsible citizen.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 10:11am

Lmbsc. I don't really think I'm so wise, I think the truth of the matter is pretty obvious, you just weren't seeing it.

I hope you really do stop being her cash machine and her toy, it's time you stop letting yourself be used. Shoot, after looking at what she's been doing I can't imagine you'd really want her back anyway, how can you respect or believe in someone who can play you and use you for so long?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:42pm
I'm done being the nice guy. When I read what has been posted here and see that it's not just myself and my friends thinking these things, it really wakes me up. I think I have been afraid to let her go because there have been times here and there where it appeared as though things were going ok and she might be reconsidering getting back together. I realize now that she was just playing me. I've definatly had enough of the "game". This message board and all you wonderfull people have helped open my eyes. Now it's up to me to not cave in. I am looking at my options for gaining custody of our children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 3:07pm
I think what it was was that she "WAS" a good person at one point or else I wouldn't have fallen in love with her to begin with and I guess I was hoping that that person would come back out. It doesn't look like it though so your right, it's time to move on for my sake and more importantly, for the kids sake.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 8:13pm

Lmbsc -- I just wanted to pop in and say that I'm really glad you took Pandabu's and cl-2nd_life's advice to heart.

Photobucket