Serious trouble
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Serious trouble
| Tue, 09-13-2005 - 4:03pm |
My husband and I are both 22. We got married 2 and a half years ago, and our relationship has never been very stable. 3 months after we got married, we separated for a short time and I had a fling with someone else (this other person and I have not spoken since). Ever since, he's had a hard time trusting me. We got pregnant with our first child very soon after getting back together in 2003, and faced financial and marital problems. We had to live with his parents for a few months, then he left for the air force basic training (he got sick 5 days into it and got sent back home) while I stayed with my dad and stepmom. After the air force thing, we moved in with my grandparents until the baby was born. We got our own apartment shortly after that, and his brother moved in with us after a few months, because I have fibromyalgia, kidney stones, ovarian cysts, etc. and cannot work. I did NOT want him t to move in with us, cause he's a freeloader who sits around all day smoking pot and complaining about our child crying too much. In March of this year, his brother wanted my husband to kick my son and me out because he said I wasn't contributing financially or cleaning around the house. So Ryan (our son) and I went to my grandparents. I then started filing all of the paperwork for child support, TANF (Temporary Assistance for needy families), Food Stamps, and WIC. As soon as my husband found out he was gonna have to pay child support, he flipped out and all of a sudden tried to win us back with presents, etc. I was stupid and thought he was gonna change some of his bad habits (like spending every dime on electronics since I've known him), so even though my grandparents paid for an apartment for my sister and I, I've been staying with my husband every night because, honestly, I do want our family to work. We are just at each others throats all the time and a few days ago, he received his subpoena to go to the child support hearing on the 21st. He totally lost it and started throwing things, then he ran into the spare room and starting violently scratching his stomach with a jagged piece of wood. I don't know what to do. If I leave, he might very well kill himself. If I don't leave, my son will grow up in a very negative and possibly violent home. He's never hit me but he's grabbed my arm so hard one time that a doctor pointed it out and put it in my chart, "possible domestic abuse". I'm just in a really bad situation. My grandparents moved to canada 4 months ago, and so they can't really do anything to help. Please help me.

(((Hugs))) to you.
I don't know what you are wanting someone to tell you. What this whole thing boils down to is, what are you willing to put up with to have a "working" family? Though it doesn't sound like it works to me at all. You are the only one who knows where your limit is. And I can tell you what I would do, but that doesn't matter either. Because what it gets down to is, you have to decide what you are going to do. And no one telling you to leave is going to make you leave if you aren't ready to.
The best thing I can tell you is to find some counseling and work on you. Good luck.
Jen
You need to get out of there -- and now.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Mommy, based on the other boards I've seen you post this on it looks like you know your situation involves domestic violence. Since you know that, you probably also know that domestic violence isn't something that's healthy for you and isn't a good way for your child to grow up. What I'm saying is, media is pretty clear in stating that domestic violence isn't okay and should NOT be tolerated, period. If you're looking for someone to tell you that it's within reason for you to leave, consider it done. This is not a situation you should stay in, not only are you within your rights to leave, it is without a doubt what you should do. Just don't go back this time.
Be safe, and keep your baby safe too.
Sweetie, you knew this relationship was wrong when you moved out. You gave many examples of what was wrong with it and I agree absolutely, leaving was the right thing to do. You recognize now that his "change" was fake, temporary, just trying to get you back and get out of paying, which says the relationship did not improve, was no better than it was when you left before. And if it's not better or worse, it's certainly not worth staying for again! Yes, he's threatened to hurt himself in an attempt to get you to stay and very possibly in an attempt to threaten and/or blackmail you into staying. Threaten by making you consider that he could physically harm you if you tried to go and blackmail by trying to make you feel responsible for his safety. You're not. He is. The fact that he's done this gives you every reason to leave, not to stay. Think about it, if you stay because he'll hurt himself, or maybe even kill himself if you leave, what kind of life is that for you and your child? Living with an unstable man in a dysfunctional, violent household. Why is his life more valuable than that of yours and your son? It's not. If you can't/won't leave for you, you need to do it for your son. He does not deserve to grow up in this kind of hell. He deserves to have a happy, healthy life that gives him good, positive examples of how life should be lived so he can go forward as an adult and repeat those positive lessons and examples he's lived. Going forward with the kinds of examples and lessons he'll get from living like you described life with your husband will mean he'll continue to live the same kind of life, and I know you don't want that for him.
I don't know why you call yourself "Mommydearest" but if it's suggesting you're like Joan Crawford, who was a horrible mother, I suspect your husband or brother-in-law may have given you that title. I would say, based on what you've said here you are anything but a horrible mother. You're showing concern for your son's welfare, well-being and happiness in life. That makes you a wonderful, caring mother.
I'm glad to know you'd already posted on the Domestic Violence board. Based on that it sounds like you already know your relationship is a domestically violent. Domestic violence doesn't get better, it gets worse and the fact that your husband has hurt himself says he's escalated and he is certainly capable of physically hurting you and your son. This makes the situation a very urgent one -- one that you need to get out of immediately. I would suggest calling a domestic violence helpline in your area, explain the situation and get their suggestions on what you should do to be safe. If you don't know a local number, please call National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233). A restraining order may be a good thing for you to get, be sure they know you have a place to go, but please listen to them if they don't feel you'll be safe there, go into a shelter if they feel that's the best thing for you to do. They have lots of experience dealing with these kinds of situations, they have lots of good advice and help to give.
You and your child are your priority. Take care to get yourself to safety and please, let us know how you're doing and that you're safe.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You know what I'm scared of? That I won't be able to buy diapers, diaper wipes, food, milk, juice, gas for the car, etc. I know that eventually, I'll have a good job and have a little financial assistance from the government for a while, but it'll take a few weeks to get all that straightened out. My grandparents won't even help me at all with even the bare necessities, such as toilet paper. I mean, I appreciate what they've done with buying us a place to live, so I kinda understand.
Does anyone know of any agencies that specialize in my kind of situation?
If so, please email me with any info: mommydearest2283@yahoo.com
I've read your posts and all the responses and I'm very glad that it sounds like you know it's better for you to leave this man.
Kimbirdy gave you some great suggestions. Another suggestion would be to contact your local YWCA and/or local domestic violence hotline, explain to them that you are planning to leave, have shelter but will need assistance for a few weeks, it's very likely that they'll be able to offer you the things you need or direct you to where you can get them. Many women come into shelters, kids in tow, with nothing but the clothes on their backs, they're quite accustomed to helping them out with everything they need. If you're on a military base, there are other places you can go for help. My suggestions are probably going to be a bit off, but I'll do the best I can and hopefully can come close enough that you'll know what I'm suggesting. The problem is that my husband is my source for "where to go" for these kinds of problems as he was in the service himself (before I knew him). Unfortunately, he was in the Navy, not the Air Force, so I only know the names of the Navy support services, the Air Force services names are probably different. My husband says the Family Service Center (that's what the Navy calls it) can help you. He also says if you go to Navy Support (maybe as easy as Air Force Support?), explain your situation and tell them what you want and need, they will give you a cash loan, which will be deducted from your husband's pay, and there's nothing he can do about it. Sometimes, you just gotta love the service :) If you go to the chaplain, he will of course, try to talk you into staying with your husband, so that's probably not a place you want to go.
Do you have anything in savings? Any amount you can remove from your account as you go? That's something else to consider, or at least, buy up as much in the way of supplies as you can and take them with you. My husband also says when he was in the Navy there was an AFECC (Air Force Exchange Credit Card) which was for use on base exchanges and commissaries only. If you have one of those (if they still have that program) you could charge what you need on the card and head to your apartment.
Having been an unemployed mother of two children when I left my husband, I completely understand your predicament and your concerns. I can't promise you it will be easy, but you will make it and you'll be so glad you made that move.
If you need more help or more suggestions, let us know. If you need help locating a domestic violence hotline, the national hotline number is 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). If you'd like the number for your local hotline, email me (I'll need to know where you live) and I'll be happy to help you find it.
cl-2nd_life@comcast.netPlease keep us updated on how you're doing and come back with questions, concerns, or just to vent anytime you want, we're here for you, as is the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"