To tell or not to tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
To tell or not to tell
10
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 10:42am
I've been seeing a guy for about 6 months now. Early in the relationship, we were saying "I love you" but he was still saying he was not "in love" with me (there's more to it, but it doesn't really affect my question). He had also said a couple of times that we were not "committed" yet (but in my heart I was). I also had trust issues with him, since he'd admitted to me that he'd been unfaithful in the past. A few months ago, I went away for a week with friends. I had absolutely no intention of straying, but my second-to-last night away I fooled around with a guy I'd met while I was away. We talked a lot, about our past relationships, my current one, all sorts of stuff. I even began wondering if I should persue something with him after my vacation. I had been wondering even before this happened if my beau and I were going to make it, or if I should cut my losses. When this little trist happened, I felt horrible and guilty. The thing is, I KNEW how I felt about my beau, it didn't really matter how committed he was, I knew that I wouldn't have wanted him doing that with someone else. But I didn't stop myself. I felt horrible when I came home and resolved to tell him. I talked to my mom, and she thought that since we didn't have a "committment" I shouldn't tell and open a can of worms. One day, I think my first week back, he told me he was committed to me and he is in love with me. In the past few months, our relationship has continued to develope and become a lot more serious between us. I'm over almost every day. I help him with his baby daughter. She and I have formed a bond. He and I "joke" about marriage. There have been times I want to tell him what I did, but I always chicken out. We have had other issues, and he and I had a conversation a while back about my not trusting him, and other things, and I'm finally to the point where I feel like we're getting somewhere. I had decided to keep my indiscression to myself. Then the other day we went back to my apartment after an afternoon out, and I had left my journal in view. He took it and teased me about reading it, playing keep-away. I flipped! I cried and begged him not to read it. He put it down and said he wouldn't. I had to go to the bathroom and took it with me, and that got him very upset. He was hurt that I didn't trust him. He wondered what I was hiding. That was an opportunity for me to come clean, but I chickened out again. Now I'm wrestling yet again with whether to tell or not. Some friends say not to, some say I should, especially if I'm feeling so guilty. I don't know what to do! I made such a big deal about not trusting him, and I feel like a hypocrite!

~Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 12:43pm
Sprite ,you should definetly tell the guy your seeing because, speaking from experience,i was basically in the same situation and i hid the fact that i kissed another guy (couple weeks into the relationship) for 3 yrs, even after he told me about a one night stand he had ,i was afraid that he would leave me but one day after all my guilt built up i had to tell him and it would be best to tell him now before you get way in over your head, luckily me and my bf are still together and doing good, and probably alot of your mistrust isnt coming from what hes done, its coming from you ,something i had to realize.... Trust me, it will make you feel ALOT better once you have it off of your chest.
Best of Luck, Tara :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 1:18pm
Thanks Tara. I know what the right thing to do is, I just think I've created more of a mess by waiting. I hope he can see that I am very, very sorry, and have been wrestling with this guilt over the past 3 months. I kept chickening out because I was so ashamed and afraid to lose him. My friends can attest to that, I've been bending their ears enough. I hope he doesn't hate me for waiting so long. Last night I came so close, but burst into tears. He thought it was because I wasn't feeling good, and held me and tried to comfort me, which made it more difficult to tell him and I chickened out! I hope to gain the currage to tell him tonight.

~Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 8:47pm

No. You're not a hypocrit because, as he said and your mom reminded you "you didn't have a committment" at the time you had your tryst. He decided to commit to you once you got back--that's when that clock starts ticking, hon.

If I was you, I'd burn that diary and quick. It's not a matter of trust--this is a matter of privacy and he has no right rummaging through your private affairs. Does he let you rummage through his bank statements? His investment paperwork? Some things are private. Period.

Stop beating yourself up. You didn't have a declared commitment from him at the time you met this other guy. It was one-sided--your side. Let this guilt die out because it's misplaced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 8:52pm

If you tell him, you can be sure that he will end your relationship. As I said in my post, you two didn't have a commitment with each other at the time your tryst happened... you wanted one, but he didn't. It wasn't until HE decided that you would have a commitment that you two had one. Why wasn't it good enough when it was you wanting the commitment for him to commit?

Some things are better left unsaid, and this is one of them. Technically, you were free to kiss that other guy. Trust me, if it came out that he was smootching on some chick during the same time he was telling you that he didn't want a commitment, he would be first in line to remind you that you two weren't committed.

If you tell him, your relationship is over--and the holidays are here in 2 months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 9:04pm

I have to agree with the last poster

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 10:56am
I agree with quenek and kimbirdy. Burn the journal and zip your lip. This is YOUR burden to bear. Don't try to lighten your load of guilt by transferring it to your boyfriend. If you tell, the relationship will either end or be damaged forever.
Just learn from the experience and don't mess up again in the future, whether with this guy or with any future boyfriend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 9:27pm

Coming in late, sorry about that. I also agree with those who feel keeping this to yourself is the right thing to do. Telling him will resolve nothing, improve nothing and help nothing. What it will do is resolve some of your guilt, and yes, open up a huge can of worms. If you're thinking that being open and honest is the right thing to do in a relationship, you're right -- for the most part. But when being open and honest is only taking pain and guilt from you and burdening your partner with it, it's not helpful, kind or appropriate; ask any therapist, most will tell you the same thing. Relieving yourself at his expense isn't okay, and, in this situation, it sounds like that's exactly what you'll be doing. I'm sure if you think about it, you'll realize that's exactly what would be accomplished in the end.


Something that I do think indicates some serious concerns and, I think, needs your serious thinking on is the fact that you go from two months ago seriously considering pursuing a relationship with someone else to being full-on committed to this guy. From the sound of it, your decision came from his announcement that he really cares and is committed to you. If that's true, there is a very serious need for you to think hard about this relationship, what it is to you, why you're there and what you think and feel about this guy, not based on his feelings for you. Why were you considering pursuing a relationship with someone else? Why were you considering "cutting your losses" with this guy? The huge turn around from "cut my losses" and "pursue someone else" to "joking around about marriage" are incredibly extreme.


I think that you are under no obligation to tell your guy about the incident, nor do I think it's the correct thing to do. I do think that you really need to take a very deep, serious look at him, your relationship, and yourself and do some very hard and serious thinking about all of this. The kiss says a great deal about the feelings you have toward the guy you're with now, and a serious, non-emotional assessment should be done asap.







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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 12:44pm
Thanks to all for the advise. I decided NOT to tell. As for the journal, I still have it. He did not read it, and may have been only teasing me about reading it, I don't know if he really would have had I not flipped out. Whatever. I have several journals including that one, and can't worry about him reading them - will cross that bridge when and if we ever come to it. As for the other thoughts on our relationship, yeah, there's a lot of other stuff going on there, and that's a whole other story.

~Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 12:03am

Thanks for the update, it's always nice to know what was finally decided on.


Personally I would probably get rid of the journals but ultimately, you're right and if he reads them he's violating your privacy, and that's an issue he'll have to deal with. We get lots of posters who snoop and are very sorry because of what they uncovered, either real issues or questions and concerns. Invading privacy is never a good idea and very often comes with a high emotional/anxiety penalty for the snooper. Once you've opened the box you can't close it again.


Good luck!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 11:20am
I would not personally. First off he said you 2 were not committed so you don't owe him anything. Secondly the past is in the past and you two have moved on now. Let it go. Its just 1 secret that you treasure forever. The other guy hasn't tried contacting you obviousely so rip the page out of your journal and let it go and keep it as a memory. Good luck