New here seeking advice :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
New here seeking advice :(
2
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 1:23pm

Hi all, im new here to the forum Im seeking some advice or help on how to better my relationship.

let me get you up to speed.

I met my current love in 1999, we pretty much fell inlove the moment we saw each other and i knew then that i wanted to be with him forever. We were 13 years old (now dont stop reading keep going) and after staying faithful to one another we broke up around 10 months.
We stayed apart and did not talk much for 3 years, i watched him from afar and dated other guys, who all treated me terribly. I always told them too that i still had very strong feelings for my first love. So 3 years later (2003) i finally told him how i still had strong feelings for him and he said he did too.
We agreed that this time it was for good, we were staying together and we still are.

We are nearing our 2 1/2 year mark, and have hit our first very rough patch in the road. We both have always been very protective of each other, him normally more than me. This summer though i hit the roof, we both work for the YMCA as camp counselors with the youth of our town. I was at one camp site and he was at another. During the summer one of his co-workers would CONSTANTLY call him wanting to know if he wanted to come over or go out somewhere, and she always added "your girlfriend can come too". This continued all summer, her emailing him, text messaging him etc.

I told him repeatedly i trust him, but he didnt believe me. Last week we spent the whole week apart with no communication, after we discussed everything and he said he was sick of me being so jealous. I know he would never cheat on me, he has been cheated on in the past by other girls, and he was not brought up that way, nor does he have the same mind set of most men.

This week was fine, i have been less bothered by things, and i have been treating him a lot better not like i had him under some sort of surveilance. Today however he told me that i have been suffocating him and tracking his activity and what he says or does online.

I will admit that i do browse the same fourm he does so we have something to talk about (its a car forum) anything that is typically off topic of cars i do not read it is his privacy. He said that i am lying to him and myself and that i am spying on him.

He loves me unconditionally even though i put him through hell and back this past summer but how i am acting is straining him.

How can i better myself and stop being so paranoid that something will go wrong and he will leave me? This is my big problem because anything good for me has never lasted long in my life. Im terrified to lose him.

Any advice would be appreciated, im sorry this post was so long.

thank you everyone :)

-B.K

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 7:21am

I think that you've got two things to work on concurrently. Changing your behaviour and changing your attitudes.

Your behaviour is probably the easiest thing to pinpoint. First of all drop off the car chat site - give him some time to chat with others without you. You are obviously well educated - so surely you have many more things to talk about than stuff that you find on this site! Second, you didn't mention exactly what you do that makes him feel like he's under surveilance.....but whatever it is, stop doing it!!!

Meanwhile, you being terrified that you will loose him is another thing that needs working on. It's a fact that most early romances will end....so, with that in mind, I'm wondering what makes you feel that you cannot cope without him. Sure, the end of a relationship is awful - we've all been there - but the far majority of us recover and move on to something/someone better. In the meantime, we have our family, our friends, our job and our interests. Do you not have these supports around you?

You said "This is my big problem because anything good for me has never lasted long in my life". What terrible things have happened in your past? Perhaps you could delve into your past either here or with a professional counsellor.

Last of all, don't make the mistake of thinking that he loves you unconditionally. Nobody except your parents and your dog love you unconditionally. You need to work for the relationship if you want to continue to receive his love. And if you stop behaving in an acceptable manner, I guarantee he will eventually get tired of it and leave. Sure, if he's got low self esteem, he'll tolerate more than a man with high self esteem.....but in the end, even someone who believes they are worthless can stop loving their partner.




Edited 9/17/2005 8:11 am ET ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 10:06pm

B.K., there must be quite a bit missing here, yes? You said, "I told him repeatedly i trust him, but he didnt believe me. Last week we spent the whole week apart with no communication, after we discussed everything and he said he was sick of me being so jealous. "and "...i put him through hell and back this past summer but how i am acting is straining him ". You said you "went through the roof", you've not given us any real idea of what you said, did or how you acted. It's hard to get a decent feel for the situation without knowing what really happened; how can we know that your actions were out of line? You call yourself paranoid, but have given us no examples that indicate you were paranoid (inappropriately concerned and/or reactive). You also said he said, "He said that i am lying to him and myself and that i am spying on him ", how are you lying and spying on him? Reading his car site wouldn't seem to qualify; assuming that he recognized you were reading his stuff there because you brought up specific posts you'd read there, it seems like the first time he indicated he felt it was a violation of his privacy you'd stop reading, or at least stop bringing up what your read there. You also indicated he's generally the "protective one", which, I have to assume means he tends to be jealous of you and your actions. What exactly does he do? Can you give us some examples? I think that your assessment that you're wrong, behaving badly and need to change might be totally incorrect. It may well be you were seeing signs of problems and acting/feeling accordingly and appropriately. Changing yourself to desensitize yourself in trusting your feelings, instincts (gut) would be waaay wrong and not healthy for you.


I would like to remind you that your experience with "men" is zilch. You've dated boys who are in the same growing stage you are, not men. Your thinking that your boyfriend's thinking being different from "most men" suggests that "most men" consider cheating an acceptable thing to do. This is very, very far from the truth. If your experience is that most boys cheat, then you've made some bad choices of who to date and need to take a look at what you're not seeing or what qualities you're attracted to are actually signs of a cheating personality.


I'm hoping you'll give us a better picture of what happened and how things were so we can offer you thoughts and suggestions based on the real situation rather than on assumptions.







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