Husband doesn't talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Husband doesn't talk
6
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 5:28am

This is a weird situation. My husband has always been shy and didn't talk much, but it seems to be getting worse the past year. We have been married for 2 years and 4 months. Sometimes he can go through a whole day and not even speak to me. Very seldom we go visit his mom or dad and most of the time he will not say one word the whole time we are there. He has not even told me he loves me in months and only does so if we get into a really bad argument. I have tried to talk to him---but you guessed it, he doesn't talk back. I am to the point now that I just get angry at him and I know it does't help, but how am I supposed to live with someone who doesn't speak. It is really awkward for me to go to his or my families home and he doesn't say a word. Sometimes I even answer for him. It is beginning to be more than I can handle. I love him more than aything and I know he loves me even if he doesn't verbalize it. I don't know what to do. I know he would't see a doc b/c he has criticized others for doing so. I'm nearly at my whits end. What do I do? Any advice whatsoever is welcome. TIA

Amy

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 6:44am

Oh, what an awful situation to be in. I can't imagine being in your shoes.

As you would be aware, it takes two to make a good marriage. And if he's not pulling his weight when it comes to being a pleasant partner and will not discuss changes, there aren't many options open to you. If he's not open to change or to seeking help, you have to choose between accepting him how he is or leaving the marriage. Neither being good options.

So from here, I have three questions for you: Do you have kids? His family would be aware of the problem; have you spoken to them about it? Lastly, what are your attitudes to divorce?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 7:39am

If he will not utter a word even in the company of his family, things are difficult indeed. How is he at work? With his friends? If they report that everything is normal, the problem is in the marriage; if they say he isn't talking to them, either, it's in your husband.

Your husband's employer has it in his/her power to order your husband to see a doctor to resolve possible problems with depression--of course, in order to do that, he/she has to see what's going on. You can also point out to him that if he doesn't do something to help himself get better, he is choosing to damage his marriage, perhaps irreparably.

You might want to consider counseling for yourself, so you'll have a knowledgeable support system in place if you have to decide to end the marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 7:45am
We do not have children. His family is aware, but I have not spoken to them about it because we are always together. I have already divorced once. He was the complete opposite of my current husband. He was very outgoing to the point of going and sleeping with another woman. Actually I wanted to try to work things out with him, but he moved out so I divorced him so I would not be "taken to the cleaners" by him. I do not consider divorce an option for me unless he leaves me and I am quite sure that will not happen. I'm just frustrated. I know some of his family wonders how I put up with it b/c his mom has said so in jest, but I know she is really thinking that seriously. I think something happened to him at some point in his past that made him this way. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with when his parents got divorced. I just don't know how to help him. Have you ever heard the son "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson? That is exactly how I feel. He is so smart and full of potetial, but there is something awful that has a hold on him. I just feel so helpless.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 7:50am
We work at the same place. He does talk to some people, but it is still not normal. He has a hard time getting words out of his mouth sometimes. Other than that he really doesn't have any friends. I want to find a way to talk to his mom and dad.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 5:57pm

Angel, I'm afraid that I can't offer you any practical assistance because you and I are so different. I would not be able to love a man who didn't treat me in the manner in which I deserve to be treated - so, for me, divorce would be the answer. I know that one can't help someone who won't help themselves.....so I'd be wasting my time trying. Potential means nothing because it may never be realised - it's the here and now that matters.

My main advice to you is: don't ever have children with your husband. It would be a terrible thing to give children a father who treats his family like this. Children born into such a marriage would be doomed to be emotionally damaged.

Please, start to put yourself first - and don't live for potential that may never happen. If he won't help himself, there is absolutely nothing you can do to assist him. You only have two choices:

1. accept him (and your marriage) how it is, while knowing that you should never have children with him

2. leave and find a better life. And someone who takes responsibility for their behaviour.




Edited 9/17/2005 7:14 pm ET ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 10:20pm

A couple more questions Amy, if you can stand it. :) How about before you were married, was the level of conversation he had with you "normal" and appropriate? Have you talked to him about this and actually told him how serious this is for you, telling him that this is beginning to be more than you can handle?


There is little that can be suggested here, at least until I hear your responses to my questions. What I can suggest is that when you're out and questions are directed at him you should not answer them under any circumstances. The question is directed at him, not you and you are not his mouth. He's a big boy and responsible for his own communication with people, it's not your place. From the standpoint of the problems you currently have, why would you accomodate him and make it more convenient not to talk when more verbalization is exactly what you need from him? Also wondering, why is divorce only an option if you've been left? Is your happiness and quality of life not more important than the number of people residing in your home? If you already know he will not seek help for this and is not willing to do anything to change it on his own, what chance do you have of changing the situation? How can you feel you and your relationship are important to him when he does not make any comment, changes or even attempts at addressing an issue you've let him know is very important to you? Hoping to hear more from you.....







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