Living with a Ranter

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Registered: 09-12-2005
Living with a Ranter
13
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:41pm

Good Afternoon everyone.

My situation is that my fiance is a ranter. If he is angry over one little thing, he yells and screams and then that one little thing turns into bigger things and other things, and he screams and yells and screams and yells.

During the rants, he ALWAYS says that he loves me and asks "why are you doing this to me?" Sometimes I think that I am really doing something to him. But most of the time I think that he's just over-exaggerating things. His favourite time to rant is when we are in the car, commuting to work, at 7:00 in the morning. We are stuck together in the car for 45 minutes, and he'll start, and it seems that each time I ask him to stop, he goes harder.

This morning, as an example, he started by asking me why I pushed him away during sex on Friday night. I told him that I was just tired. I have told him over and over again, that as much as I love sex (and I really do), that waking me up for it in the middle of the night doesn't work for me. I feel too groggy and gross. Right when we go to bed is the best. Even though I've told him this, he still tries, and when I don't respond to him like I do otherwise. And even though he knows this, and tries, he gets aggravated and rants at me because his feelings are hurt. I can understand his feelings getting hurt the first time, but after explaining myself, I thought he would "get it". Also, I have talked to my doctor about the ranting and raving, and how I feel awful all the time, and she's put me on anti-depressants. I've only been taking them for about a week, but they aare supposed to help me sleep, which means that our sex life hasn't been the greatest in the last week (we usually do it three or four times a week, which is how we both like it). I told him right when I started the meds that I would be tired.

Anyway, he ranted about that, all the while I'm trying to tell him there's nothing wrong with our sex life, it's just that I'm tired from the meds, and I am not into it in the middle of the night (for the millionth time). Then, he flips into the fact that he watched the kids and cleaned all weekend, while I did nothing but have fun all weekend. See, I try not to spend too much time with him because we can have a great three or four hours together, but anything more than that, he rants. But this morning he was ranting because I didn't spend time with him, and I'm telling him it's because he rants. It's a vicious circle and it's driving me crazy. Literally. Then he starts ranting that I don't find him attractive and he's going to work out until he looks like superman and have plastic surgery and whatever it takes to make me want him again. I feel like I'm going nuts. By the time he got me to work, I felt like crying, (after he started ranting about me not loving his daughter), and when I was about to get at the car, he screamed "Just admit it! You hate me!". Which is a stupid thing to say!

I've been telling DF to start taking medication too, and maybe if we were both on it, that things would simmer down a bit.

I'm scared that we are going to fall apart. It feels like we're grasping at straws. I know I'm not perfect, but I think that I've done my part by trying to get help, and now I feel that he needs to do something.....anything....to stop this ranting. I keep thinking that he needs to grow up. I know that I'm right. I know it.

The sad thing is that I have a really good relationship with his Mom. She knows that he is like this, and he has been this way forever, because he was spoiled. And that's exactly what he acts like, a spoiled brat....almost like a 6 year old.

What can I do? is there anything that I can try to help him to be able to talk to me normally about my concerns instead of rant and rave? Anything besides offering an ultimatum?

Another thing is that he doesn't hit, or call names....and he treats me like gold when he isn't ranting. He is very romantic, and thinks the world of me.....but he is very jealous. And I know that is another red flag.

I'm very confused. I've been thinking about couple's counselling.....but I'm wondering if it would be more effective for me to start going to counselling on my own, or to a support group or something...but what kind of group or counselling should I be looking for?

Leaving him right now is not an optioin, because our life is not intolerable. The only thing that is intolerable is this ranting....

I plan to copy and post this on other boards to get different opinions. Thanks in advance!

Sarah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:52pm

But the incessant ranting is intolerable. The issue I see is his coping mechanism is broke.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 3:26pm

Thanks for your response.

Are you suggesting that I just sit on it until he is able to acknowledge that there is a problem? Do you think that perhaps individual counselling might work for me?
And yes, I do understand about the children. The majority of the time the ranting occurs in the car on the way to work. It's almost like he waits until I can't walk away from him or go to another room.

Sarah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 3:40pm
Oh my goodness no...we both know that is futile.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 4:41pm

"What can I do? is there anything that I can try to help him to be able to talk to me normally about my concerns instead of rant and rave?"


 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 5:01pm

Okay, I'm actually stepping outside my normal area here today.... And I'm going to go a way I don't normally go.

WHY are you engaged to this man? If you can't spend more than a few hours at a time with him without being subjected to vicious rants, WHY would you even THINK about marrying him? Is this all you are worth? A few hours of fun and then being put through heck when you express an opinion/preferance he doesn't like? Are your kids worth so little that THIS is the type of father figure you want them to have? Cause they will either seek someone out just like him to marry or turn into him...

I know you said that it isn't bad enough to leave. I can understand that. You haven't reached a point where life is intolerable. That's fine too. But just DON'T marry someone when this is how it is BEFORE. It doesn't get better just cause your married, it gets worse because the "fear" of losing you is lessened.

The only thing you can do is help yourself. Get yourself counseling. Get the both of you couples counseling if he'll go. If you have to ride to work with him and he starts his rants, DO NOT RESPOND. Don't acknowledge his temper tantrums. At most tell him that you will talk to him about this at another time when things feel more reasonable to you. And don't bother to listen to what he's ranting about. He's just trying to inflict pain. The only thing you can do to change the situation is to change how you respond or drive yourself to work.

Good luck.

Jen

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Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 6:23pm

I couldn't agree more. One shouldn't consider marriage unless they are in an almost perfect relationship. And I fully agree with the kid's aspect of the situation.

You say that it's not intolerable yet, but at the same time you're taking meds in order to cope with his behaviour. If you need meds to cope, it means that his behaviour IS intolerable.

Hon, I'm wondering what's going on with your self esteem. If I was on the receiving end of frequent rants, the guy would be out the door pronto.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 7:47pm

Are you kidding me??? You have to take DRUGS because of his behavior??? Do you not see how completely messed up that is?

I'm just in shock at that.

And that's "tolerable"? Huh.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 2:15am

Sarah, please stop for a minute, reread what you wrote, as though this were someone else's life, not your own, and ask yourself what you'd think of it.


Can you honestly be saying that you limit your time with him to three hours because that's as long as you can be with him and be planning to marry him? How in the world do you think your life is going to be, married -- married -- as in all day every day -- to a man you cannot be around for more than three hours at a time.


Can you honestly be saying that you're taking drugs to enable you to tolerate him and this is acceptable to you? Do you honestly think that having to drug yourself to manage a relationship is worth it? Appropriate? Fair to you? Something anyone should do to themselves? This relationship is having a negative effect on you, to the point that you're having physical and emotional reactions that require medication to manage. Can you honestly not see that this is not a healthy relationship for you? Here's a scenario: If you were sitting in a lovely meadow with nice flowers that you loved being around but, every day a swarm of bees came up and stung you all over, causing you to turn red and swell with stings all over your body, what do you think an appropriate solution would be, taking truckloads of Benedryl to combat the stings or leaving your meadow to find a meadow without the bee swarm? Sweetie, he may be wonderful some of the time, but he's downright caustic the rest of the time, and frankly, it's not okay.


What about children? Do you want to have kids? Will you want them to grow up in this kind of environment? Can you bring children into this world knowing they will be subjected to his raving, his attacks and his uncaring, selfish actions "sometimes"? Is "sometimes" okay for kids to have to face it?


You've demonstrated that this is not about you, it's about him. He wants what he wants and he doesn't care about you in the process. Waking you up for sex is a good example. You're right, you should have only had to tell him once that waking you up for sex is not okay to make it stop. Instead of respecting your request, showing care for your desires, your preferences, your feelings, instead of being appropriate and treating you like a worthwhile and equal human being he throws a fit, making it your fault that his feelings are hurt (for Chrissake) and continues to do it over and over. Pure and simple, when it comes down to it, you don't matter. You are not an equal, your feelings are not important, your wishes, your desires do not matter. It doesn't matter if he waits on you hand and foot for ten days then flips on the eleventh. It is not acceptable, period. It is not appropriate, not equal, not considerate. You're right, he's acting like a spoiled child. Unfortunately, he's not a child and tantrums aren't acceptable. The world is not about him, it's about sharing, caring and being considerate. I get the feeling you expect him to grow up at some point and stop acting like this. What gives you the idea that will happen? He's an adult and has been acting like this all his life, the pattern is set. This is who he is. Your life will not get better with him, he will not change. Believe it. This is already causing you symptoms, your body and your emotions are telling you this is not okay for you. Please listen to what your own self is screaming to you. Medicating you and him is not an answer. Having to be drugged together (or one of you) in order to have a harmonious life together doesn't make sense. One drugged to act halfway normal and appropriate, the other drugged to enable them to put up with him. Please. Stop and think about that. What that says is one party is not appropriate, not acceptable for the other. The other party needs to move on to find a partner that is acceptable in all ways, not just some. I'm sure I'm going to lose you here, but honestly, you're an abused woman. His actions, mindset and verbal outbursts are verbal abuse. "He only hits me once in a while, the rest of the time he treats me wonderfully." So staying is okay? Being battered either physically or emotionally "just sometimes" is okay? Verbal abuse is harder to accept, harder to see, harder to believe because there are no bruises to "prove" you've been abused, but it's abuse all the same. Just as being physically hit doesn't happen all the time in a relationship, neither does verbal abuse. Why is it you don't think you're worth a relationship that doesn't hurt you, isn't hard to be in, isn't impossible to deal with at times?

There are some articles I'd like you to take a look at:

What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it’s slow but it’s sooo right on)
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
Brainwashing
More on Brainwashing
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?

Please understand that many of what's listed in the articles and posts I linked here will not fit your fiance. These are general descriptors, some will fit one abuser, others will fit others, but the bottom line is that finding only a few doesn't mean he's not abusive or that he's not "so bad", it means he's abusive, period. No amount of abuse is acceptable or tolerable and you are not "better off" than women who are physically beat. It's been proven that verbal and emotional abuse is more damaging than physical abuse.

I know I've thrown a lot at you, and I expect it might take a while for you to read, process and maybe accept what you're hearing. The articles I linked you to are from the Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage . Please check it out yourself as there are many more links and information than I posted here. Even if the link title doesn't seem to fit your situation, I urge you to read it, you'd be surprised what you might find. I strongly urge you to post on their board: Dealing With Domestic Abuse . Even if you're not sure this is abuse, they'll be able to assess your situation and give you their thoughts. I guarantee you they are not eager to call everything "abuse", if they don't see abuse, they'll tell you so. The women on that board have been or are in abusive situations. They understand, they've been there.

You deserve so much better than this.







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Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 5:20pm
Yep - reading the post, I was thinking that the fiance is the one who needs meds, not the OP.
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Registered: 09-12-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 2:29pm

i am seeking counselling at this point, and we have decided that we aren't ready for marriage. the positive thing about this is that he has admitted that he rants, and is trying some medication to calm himself down. I hope we can work this out.

By the way, he is an excellent father figure, with a knack for ranting when the kids aren't around. That to me means that he IS able to control himself, which is to me, very positive.

We'll see how things go.

We are worth everything, but he is a human being, and is worth having us as well.

Thanks for the input!

Sarah

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