Disillusioned with everything lately
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| Tue, 09-20-2005 - 7:44pm |
I'm just curious if some of the rest of you are honest enough to admit from time to time you become totally disillusioned with marriage??? I am right now. 2nd life knows me, so she'll recognize who I am by this post. I could be single right now. I'm not kidding. My DH focuses on activities he does, not on our relationship. I do not feel like I'm #1 in his list of priorities, I don't even feel like #2 lately. He tends to have one main activity in his life going on at a time, and he gets obsessed with it, whatever it is, to the exclusion of nearly anything ELSE. He's like that now. Usually he moves on to another in a couple of years, but this one will stick, I know that already. He is really only interested in his activities, not mine. We've been together a long time, and I know all relationships go through hills and valleys. And after some time I'll probably be okay with things again. But "okay" no longer feels like enough. DH is Mister Nice Guy around everybody, I've had years to observe him and he's just so friendly and helpful and wants everybody to be his friend. And then I wonder "Okay, so what happened to THAT guy on his drive home from work? Why doesn't THAT guy walk through the door? Where did he disappear to since he left the office?" At home he's extremely quiet, has little to say at all, he sticks his nose in his car books all evening, and even though I try to draw him into conversation, I get short responses; he is NOT Mr. Nice Guy at home, he's argumentative and debates anything I say. We've even discussed this, I've even asked if he just doesn't want to be here anymore. He says no, he does want to be here and he'd never leave me for any reason. Is it so wrong for ME to want Mr. Nice Guy to live here, too, though?
I'm not stupid, I do understand that we tend to want the most what we don't think we have, that's just human nature. I never expected things to be perfect, nor do I want him to be my everything or fill up any holes in my life, that's my job. I understand that maybe all I see is a guy who's so comfortable with me he doesn't feel the NEED to talk much. We've done counseling a couple of times and are always told our relationship is actually way above average, but I'm not sure I ever believed that. My best friend knows my DH very well, she says he is a selfish guy and basically treats me like @#*$ and it's about time I got tougher with him and stopped putting up with a lot of his behavior; and I do accept that she's in my corner, not his. I tend to blame myself for everything, so it's hard for me to see the forest for the trees with this. How do you shake up a spouse who's become dull and lazy in our relationship? He just takes me totally for granted, and I really am tired of feeling that way.
Edited 9/20/2005 7:53 pm ET ET by pamgillespie

>>How do you shake up a spouse who's become dull and lazy in our relationship? He just takes me totally for granted, and I really am tired of feeling that way<<
Yes, I know how that feels. It's how I felt with my first marriage. I did try to encourage counselling etc, but he refused. In the end, I left. Me leaving did give him a shake up and he promised all kinds of changes. But for me it was too late - I had no inclination to stay with him for a minute longer.
>>I'm just curious if some of the rest of you are honest enough to admit from time to time you become totally disillusioned with marriage??<<
These days, I am totally happy within my 2nd marriage. Disillusion is never a part of how I feel. I'm absolutely content and would not change a thing.....and I know without a doubt that the kids and I are my DH's number 1 priority. Happiness is achieveable, but sometimes you need a different partner to reach the bliss that you seek.
I think we all get fed up, disillusioned, tired of our relationships from time to time, but what you're talking about is more than just one of those "Geez, wouldn't it be great to be single again?" kind of moments. I also think it's easy to become complacent and accustomed to our partner, to get so wrapped up in your own life that they become a fixture, part of the wallpaper so to speak. I also don't think it's uncommon to forget your priorities, becoming more concerned about how we treat others and how they perceive us than our partners. I think in your case Pam, you've got a couple of things tying into this. You seem to have had separate interests for some time, yes? I can't really recall you mentioning doing a lot of things together, but maybe you just haven't mentioned it. If I'm right, you've kind of been moving down different paths (same forest, different trails). You also have a guy who's intensely focused on his cherished hobby; he's good at it, he loves it and he gets lots of strokes from others due to his skill. Since he's got a big ego, you have to know if he wasn't already hooked, that would seal the deal. If I may presume (and I really am presuming here) it could well be that treating you like crap feeds his ego, it wouldn't be the first time I've heard of that. The dynamics of your marriage changed over the years and it's all slowly congealed into the solid problem it is now.
What have you guys done together lately? Instead of letting him choose to go off and break plans you'd had, how about having an interest and insisting that he stick with his original agreement. No more Ms. Niceguy, no more rolling over and getting the short end of the stick every time he has something "better" to do.
I think you're on the right track, standing up straight and tall, saying, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" You can refuse to be treated like crap, you can make your unhappiness and your concerns known and you can let him know times have changed and you ain't gonna be that little mouse you've been for so long. You can let him know in no uncertain terms that you aren't satisfied with how things are and that change is overdue. You can insist on sitting down and talking about it, making some agreements for change. You can make yourself more alert and aware of being put down and taken advantage of and call him on it each and every time. I'm thinking continuing in that direction will only build you up, make you stronger and force him to consider you in a different light than he has for a while. Obviously, you can't *make* him change, but you can refuse to accept what isn't appropriate.
What do you think?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
Edited 9/21/2005 2:36 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
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