Too jealous...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2005
Too jealous...
5
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 1:18pm
I have been in my current relationship for 2 years, and just to make sure you know--my boyfriend has also focused on me being the main priority--keeping me happy. My boyfriend has stopped talking to his friends as much...and doesnt see his family much either. Just to get you up to speed, we have recently decided to seperate for a bit-just to kind of get back into life-get our friends back, and so forth. We have lived together for about a year and a half out of the 2 years that we have known each other and been dating. So, anyways, I seem to have a bit of a jealousy problem. For example, he met this girl at work, and started to hang out with her, about 2 times a week. I KNEW they were just talking, and I KNEW that he wasnt doing anything with her OTHER than that. But I was jealous of them just TALKING!! What if he was having more fun with her than me? And also, when he comes home and chills upstairs with his dad (we live in his dad's house atm) and just chats...I get aggravated because he is upstairs talking to his dad instead of me. When he hangs out with his friends, that once a month that them and him actually have the same days off of work, I get jealous. I am sick of it. I REALLY want him to have fun. He doesnt even hang out with that girl anymore because of me and not wanting to upset me. I hate this, I just want to be cool with him being with OTHER PEOPLE. I am moving out because of our temp seperation, just so that we can focus on other things, and get our own lives back on track. I honestly think I am just afraid of losing him, how do I go about just trusting him and giving him space?... If you have any other questions to kind of simplify this rant of mine, just ask. I know it is kind of all over the place...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 3:15am

Welcome to the board, Chibicheebs ~ Sorry it took me so long to get here, work, after-work commitments, kids, etc. It's been one of those crazy days and I haven't been able to get here until now.


I have a couple of quick questions, if you don't mind...
  • When you say that he's pretty much focused on you and you've both pretty much quit seeing friends and family to be with each other, and that you've decided to separate a bit, I assume you recognized being together so much wasn't the right way to go and your separation was an attempt to get back to a more balanced life. Is that right? Was this his idea, yours or both? What spurred the change? Was there a fight, a problem, or what?
  • You've talked a lot about what he's been doing, but what about you? What do you do now that you're not with him all the time? By the way, good for you in deciding to move out, that's a very wise move -- and I assume done because you felt it was the best way to have more separate lives rather than a "payback" or as a threat, right?

    They may seem like silly questions, but they'll help me have a much better idea of what's going on.

    Thanks in advance!






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown










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    "Ignoring the facts
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    iVillage Member
    Registered: 07-02-2005
    Thu, 09-22-2005 - 2:33pm
    It was pretty much both of our choices for me to move out. It just seems like it would be more fun that way too-actually going on dates-being able to buy each other stuff (it doesnt really apply right now bc we share a bank account), etc. It was pretty much to put that excitement and a little bit of spontenaity (I know that isnt how you spell it lol) back in our lives. It is more to give him space though, just because he tended to always have friends and always have people around him. And I want him to have that back, he has never complained about being suffocated, because he loves all the time he gets with me. But he really does miss hanging out with his "crew" too. I never really did-at any time in my life. I think it wears on him that I dont have friends because while he is out having fun, I am doing nothing. Sitting at home and watching TV or what not. But this seperation might also give me a chance to try and make friends. And also, seperating will show us if we really love each other, or if we are just together because it is comfortable sharing a life with someone else-emphasis on "comfortable".
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Thu, 09-22-2005 - 4:15pm

    Whose decision was it to back off and spend more time with others?








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 07-02-2005
    Fri, 09-23-2005 - 2:26am
    It was both of our idea. But I suggested it first. And he didnt accept it until a while later. This is more for him getting his friends back. I am not much of a social person, and never really have been. BUT this might also give me a chance to BECOME a social person, or at least meet some new people. This will also allow us to go on dates with each other and such too again, and buy stuff for each other; which we cant really do right now bc we share a bank account. I want this seperation to kind of spark my life, as well as spark our relationship. He wants it to get back in touch with his friends and focus on them a while. The actual thing that sparked us wanting to do this---is I thought that he wanted to date this other girl (the one he met and was hanging out with), because it turned out he did like her and wanted to hang with her more. But HE, on the other hand just saw her as a friend and wanted to just hang out with others, in general, more. It was my jealousy acting up again. Blowing things out of proportion, thinking he was cheating, lying to me. All sorts of stuff, and yet, over 2 years, he has done nothing of the sort. Just recently has it dawned on me that all that he is really craving is others to talk to. As I had stated before, I am used to it being all me. And suddenely he likes hanging out with someone else, and it turns out to be a girl. And all my thoughts start flying, and accusations come out. It's just in 2 years, this is the first time he has hung out with a girl. So it scares me, I guess.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 09-23-2005 - 3:55am

    Ok, I understand that now, and it helps have a better idea of the dynamics. But what about you? You've said that you're not too social, that you don't want or need so much interaction, but what are you doing now that you're not together all the time?


    You say it's your jealousy acting up again, blowing things out of proportion, thinking he was cheating and lying to you. You've been suspicious with him before? Why? Did a previous boyfriend cheat on you or what? As far as this girl goes, Have you been included in their getting together? Have you met her? Was he open and honest in telling you about her from the start and is he open about what they're do now? Being absolutely open and honest about get togethers is crucial to keeping a platonic relationship above board and making sure your bf/gf doesn't have reason to be suspicious. If they've been getting together, you should know ahead of time that they're planning to (unless it's spur of the moment, of course) and you should always feel welcomed to join them. Do you? It doesn't sound like the three of you can hang out together, why? Do I understand right in hearing you say that for two years he wasn't interested in seeing friends, then suddenly wants to hang out with this new friend, even though he's still not voicing desire to hang out with his old friends? Honestly, just based on what I think I understand from your last post, his agreeing to live separately primarily so he can see his new friend seems a little odd to me.


    Since you suggested step away from the relationship a bit because you thought he was interested in this other girl it sounds like you felt threatened from the very beginning of their relationship. Did you guys talk about that? What I mean is, if he came home and said, "There's this new girl at work, Jill, and she's really great. We talked, had lunch, blah, blah, blah" did you say nothing, did you say, "Well, maybe we should back off a little so you can spend more time with Jill" did you say, "Hmm, this friendship feels a little threatening to me, tell me about it, should I be concerned?" or something else? In other words, what kind of communication about the friendship did you have before you suggesting backing off? I'm guessing that maybe you didn't say much about it at all rather than listen to him talk about her; it seems like if you'd had much conversation, you'd have known that this was a platonic thing.

    I'm sure I'm driving you crazy asking questions when what you're looking for is answers, but without knowing what's up it's hard to say anything that has much of a chance of being right for your situation. And how can I know that you aren't right to feel threatened?

    Something I really don't get is why you had to live separate to allow for more freedom as individuals in your relationship. Why can't you just agree that you'll spend "x" number of evenings doing separate things, "x" number of nights together and "x" number of date nights? How do you plan to proceed from here? After a few months of freedom and fun moving back in together and going back to just the two of you or what? Is there a plan? I just don't get why, if he's been craving others to talk to, he can't just do that with you there. Can you help me out? I know you said you've been together for two years, but how old are you guys?

    I'd really like to hear your answers so I can offer you some thoughts and suggestions that are based on your situation rather than assumptions, it just seems like there's a lot that hasn't been said, it seems confused and sketchy. I don't think I have a good picture of the situation.

    I mean, the bottom line is that all you can do is focus on your own stuff and keep yourself active. If he's going to start up with someone else, keeping him on a short leash isn't going to stop him. The only person you can control is you. But I really get the feeling that there's a lot more that could be offered and suggested if you gave us a good explanation of the situation. I hope you will....







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown










    my signature exchange partner:

    Sexual Pleasure








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"