Big Problem I need Help With
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Big Problem I need Help With
| Sun, 09-25-2005 - 5:12pm |
I am 18 and my boyfriend is 19 and we have been dating for 4 years and have been living together for about 9 months. I am a freshman in college and he is a sophomore. We have known that we wanted get married since we first started dating. We used to talk about it openly but now every time I say something he clams up and avoids talking about it. The other day I said something about getting engaged he said I don’t want to be engaged for the next for years. I don’t know what to think. I love him more than anything and I know he loves me but am I being unreasonable wanting to get engaged now?

I do know how you feel because I got married when I was 20. However, with hindsight, 18 and 19 is VERY young to get engaged. You see, we change enormously during our late teens right through to our mid twenties....and what can seem so right at a young age can end up being so wrong when you're older.
Your boyfriend has either one of two things going on. Either he knows that 19 is far to young to commit to marriage.....or his personality is changing and he's questioning if what was right for him over the past few years is still right.
I'm not saying that you have no hope of a future together, because I am friends with a couple who were high school sweethearts and who are still together happily at the age of 38. However, the rest of us who married young are all long since divorced. (I got divorced at the age of 25).
I would suggest that you speak further with your boyfriend. Try and find out what his fears are. But be aware that you could be facing a breakup.
While it's not true that marriages that start young never last, it is true that the divorce rate for marriages that started young are staggeringly high. While all have the possibility of lasting, chances are that they won't.
I know you don't want to hear this, but I think it's very possible that your boyfriend is finding that for him, the relationship isn't as right as it was when he was younger. If you've been together for four years, that means you started dating at 14 and 15, and that's a very, very immature age. You've both changed and matured incredibly since then, and you will continue to change and mature incredibly for the next seven or more years, as science has shown that the brain continues to develop until the age of 25. Life experience also plays a huge part, what you know, think, and believe is changed and adapted based on what you see, learn and experience from simply spending more time on the face of the earth. Life is a process, at 20 we all believed we knew exactly what we wanted, what we believed, how things were, etc., at 30 we looked back and were absolutely stunned at how much we thought we knew at 20 vs. how little we really knew. It's very possible that your boyfriend has changed (as is normal) and while you've done nothing wrong, you're not as right for him as you once were. Honestly, neither of you are at all like who you were at 14 and 15, you've each made individual changes, and the likelihood of those changes continuing to be compatible with the others isn't as likely as their being different.
I would agree that talking to him about his hesitation is warranted. A frank, honest talk is what you need, and since you've been together so long, I would assume you have no problem having open, honest talks with each other, right?
If he simply feels you're too young to be engaged, I would strongly suggest being open to considering dating others for a while, and I know you don't want to hear that! The truth is, if you've been dating each other since the beginning of your teens you really have no idea whether your relationship is as great as you think it is or not, you have no other dating experience (or precious little) to compare it to. Many girls your age find, after dating others, they found that what they thought was "perfect" was barely adequate based when they had other experiences to compare it to. We've also received many posts from women who, married and in their 30's or late 20's regret not having dated others. Likewise are there many posts from women who's husbands want a separation because they regret having missed the opportunity to see other women. Having some experience to base your belief that you and your boyfriend are right for each other is a good thing. Holding off with plans for marriage until you're in your mid to late 20's is a wise thing too. Look at postponing an engagement/marriage this way: if the relationship is right, waiting won't hurt a thing. You'll still be together, just not married/engaged. If it's not, you'll be much better off ending a relationship than going through a divorce.
I know I've said nothing that you wanted to hear, and I'm sorry about that. Teens and twenties are the time for learning, and at your stage of the game, you've still got a long way to go. Not a put down, not at all, you're right where you should be for your age. Let us know how it goes, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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I am 36 years only and I was married when I was 27. Let me tell ya...marriage is a JOB. You have to work at it 24/7 365 days a year. I got tired of being the only one in the marriage trying to hold it all together. So I divorced the guy. I am not married, don't plan on getting married. I am in a relationship with a great guy going on 3 years now. If it's not broke....don't try to fix it.
Take the whole engagement thing slow. I know when I was your age I thought getting married was something you were supposed to do. That was my first mistake.
Get through college first then see where things stand with the whole marriage thing.
I was engaged at 19, married at 21. Absolutely believed I was doing exactly the right thing with my life -- it was exactly what I wanted. It was also the biggest mistake of my life. What I thought I knew of my life and life in general versus what I evolved into and realized about real life as an adult (which takes several years of "training" --read: early 20's to understand)were two completely different things. The boy who I married did not evolve into a man who was right for me. I can tell you, divorce gives you a whole lot of life experience, but it's not the kind of experience I'd recommend.
Much as I know you don't want to hear what these ladies are all saying, the smartest thing you can do is listen to them. Being in a hurry now will only make you sorry later. Take your time, enjoy your life as a young, free woman; when this time is gone it's gone and there's no getting it back. Hurrying into what very well could become regrets isn't what you want, I know.
I also think it's possible he may be having second thoughts. I expect you've talked to him by now, what does he have to say?