(ex) best friend trying to break us up

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
(ex) best friend trying to break us up
7
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 10:31am

This is kind of a long story, but I really need some help. Thank you in advance.

My wife and I have been married for 6 years. We are huge supporters of each other. She and I both have careers and have also attend night school to attain higher education. We have always been faithful. I like to view porn and maybe once a year, go to a strip club. This last time I did I kept it from my wife. She found out by looking at a cash withdraw on our bank statement. That turned into a fight. She has every right and I felt sorry for it. She seemed to really want to know more about what went on so she called my best friend of 7 years to find out. He attended with me. He goes into this whole story about how I don't treat her well and how I look at other women etc. He went on and on like he had a notebook. He then proceeds to tell her that he has had feelings for her for a long time, like since I met her. That's no surprise, my wife is a great women and sexy to boot. So with this new info she felt obliged to tell me. I asked if anything happened and she said no. I called him to tell him that he is not to contact us ever again. My wife apparently called him the next day and said the same thing. This is where it gets interesting.

He sends me an e-mail saying that there is way more to the story that I don't know and that he can't say because he has promises to keep. Then it says put 2 and 2 together. This then starts another discussion with my wife. We made love that night and the next morning. We seemed to grow closer after discussing the situation and agreeing that he is just crazy. I responded to his e-mail and said "get you're own life, you can't have mine” and that's it. Mind you he is 32, filed bankruptcy at 30, lives at home with his mom and can't seem to hold a job. We on the other hand have built a new house, visited Hawaii twice last year, and paid cash for a classic car. I smell jealousy like nothing else. Well his idea of trying to turn her against me didn't work, now it's on to me.

The next day I get another e-mail, I should never have read it, he goes on to say "wake up, I've been F&*%ing your wife” and there are details. One night when she was supposedly out with her friends until 5 am he says they were really at a hotel until 4:30am doing it like dogs. Then he says "ask her about Borders book store", and then he says, "this is my favorite", "she has such a clean shaven pu#$y, what a treat". And then "oh that rash, that's poison oak from the woods" she does have a rash. "and that bruise on her neck, that's a hicky from me". Well I almost collapsed after reading that and I don't know what to do. I can't stop repeating the e-mail in my head. My wife and I are torn up about it and I trust her but I can't help but think, what if? There are a lot of details in that e-mail. I don't know if she went out with her friends or bruise on her neck. She supposedly told him about the rash and the clean shaven. It's pretty intimate to me. Now mind you she was a virgin when we met.

What do I do? I need some input, please. I contacted the police to see if anything can be done but they said no. I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize my well being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:25am

A couple of things come to mind pretty quickly....


If she'd been having an affair with him at any time previous to her calling him for details of your strip club venture,








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:35am
Thanks for the advise, I am in the process of blocking the phone number and e-mail address right now. As for the rash it is elsewhere on her body, she actually had it on her face, like lower right. It was a splotchy type, the doctor said she didn't know what it was and gave her a prescription. Is that the truth? Again, I don't know. In his e-mail he did state that our friendship was over anyway. It is for sure now, I can safely say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:46am

It sounds to me like the only reason you have to doubt your wife is what this "friend" said. IF that is the case, I think he's shown to not be all there and his word isn't enough to cast doubt on something you thought was rock solid before. If there are other things that have bothered you then I could see this adding to it.

Block his emails and phone #. Don't talk to him. And work on this with your wife. You will know if she is trustworthy or not.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 12:07pm
That is pretty much true. She has really been broken up about it. That could happen anyway but, I think my "friend" is really just nuts. It's just unfortunate that the seed of doubt was planted. I am most definitely trying not to believe it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 1:27pm

I really understand wondering and having that seed of doubt there now. But knowing now is impossible (with 100% absolute certainty) unless she were to confess to something. The only other option is to wait and see over time. Which sucks. It'd be better if there was some definite signal so you could totally believe your spouse, KWIM? But trying NOT to believe and taking time to test it out is the smartest way to go. IMO.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 2:17pm
I agree that it sucks. Especially being my best(ex)friend (my wife is my 1st best friend). I think I am at the point of mending and healing. This really hurts though. Thanks for the help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 5:25pm

you write: "She seemed to really want to know more about what went on so she called my best friend of 7 years to find out."

Have you ever had any other kinds of weird things happen with this friend before or after you married you wife?

you write: " He goes into this whole story about how I don't treat her well and how I look at other women etc. He went on and on like he had a notebook. He then proceeds to tell her that he has had feelings for her for a long time, like since I met her. That's no surprise, my wife is a great women and sexy to boot. So with this new info she felt obliged to tell me. I asked if anything happened and she said no. I called him to tell him that he is not to contact us ever again. My wife apparently called him the next day and said the same thing."

Did your wife know you contacted him and told him not to contact either of you? Because if she knew you said this to him, I don't get why she felt the need to go in behind you and call him to tell him the very thing you told him the day before. I also don't get why he felt the need to hold her confidence when you were the one who was his boy.

Did you mention to him that she was out with her friends until 5am? If not, how would he have known that? Is he close with any of her friends? Would he have gotten that info from them?

A rash on the face is pretty hard not to see... so bringing that up is non sequitur... any one of her friends could have mentioned it to him.

As 2nd life said, a hickey is a hickey and a bruise is a bruise.. there is a difference.

I don't understand under what ordinary, innocent circumstances she would feel compelled to tell your best friend that she's clean shaven. How that should be made his business is a mystery to me.

His being jealous of you and your life successes is a valid assessment to make of him--there are some really disturbed people out there who can't be happy for anyone's success if they themselves have none.

I understand you love your wife, but to me (and I'm only speaking for me) too much of this story between the two of them doesn't hold water. Without a doubt, your ex friend has issues he needs professional help resolving.

However, I also believe as firmly that you and your wife have a LOT of talking you need to do with a therapist because there are some marital boundary issues she doesn't seem to have a firm grasp on.

IMO, she never should have called your friend, especially since you had already fessed up and weren't trying to hide anything and you were sorry for doing it. This was between you two. And he should have kept your confidence and told her she needed to talk to you.

She definitely had no business discussing the bareness of her mons pubis with him---that is not fit for him to know. I hope that you can resolve this... for your peace of mind.