Friend/Neighbor situation with DH

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Friend/Neighbor situation with DH
5
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:10am

I am new to the board however I thought that you might be able to help me.
I have a situation with my neighbor and my DH. We as couples have been social and have traveled and spend vacations together. I had always thought of them as our really great friends. Even the kids are friends. However, in the last few occaisons of getting together the wife("my friend") has had a few drinks and gets very touchy feely with my DH. I had asked my DH in the past to remove himself from being near her however, he seems to enjoy the attention that was sent his way. The last social night together was back in June, as I am no longer comfortable with her and my DH inappropriate behavior. On that night I was upset with my DH as we were having some issues of our own... I ended up leaving their house to go home to bed. About an hour later they, DH and the "friend" arrived at our house in our back yard. She was sitting on my DH lap and kisses followed. This again was not the first time this has happened. I spoke to my DH about his inappropriate behavior and that I was deeply hurt and felt so disrespected by him. As I had previously asked him not to be near her.
My Dh didnt seem to feel that this was a big issue, however I did. In July we were with other friends away for the weekend and my Dh brought up the subject of my being upset about the Neighbor "friend" and that she likes to vent to him about how miserable she is in her marriage. OK when I heard this I did realize that my DH and the Friend must be talking outside while I am at work.... ( my Dh works from home 4 days a week )This too upset me. Now i confronted my DH and told him he is not to talk with her anymore... As we were having marital problems of our own and I didnt need anymore problems than we already had.
DH agreed and gave lame apology to me for hurting me and disrespecting me and no further get togethers will happen. I approached "friend" and told her how uncomfortable the whole situation made me... She denied any wrong doing and was not willing to be accountable for her actions.
Herein lies the situation that I need help with. She lives right across the street and I have trouble with the whole thing. I am unsure of whether DH is still talking with her,
trust issue, her inability to acknowledge her behavior as left me feeling like I want an apology that will not happen! Also because of their behavior have lost a friend....
Could anyone give me some insight on how to get over this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:31am

I'm sorry, let me see if I understand this right.

You get together as friends with this couple and then you have seen them, more than once, KISSING?!?! I would go talk to her DH, first and foremost. And you are absolutely right that this is NOT acceptable behavior at ALL. As far as I'm concerned, kissing is being unfaithful. And your DH won't stop it. Short of moving to a different city I don't see how you can be "sure" that they aren't still talking, etc. And for your DH to <My Dh didnt seem to feel that this was a big issue,>> not see this as a "big issue". If it's not a big deal to him then I can almost guarantee that he won't stop doing it. He's either doing it to push your buttons or because he's having fun.

I am floored. I really am. This was more than "inappropriate behavior". You and your DH have a whole lotta problems and believe it or not, the neighnor lady ISN'T one of them. Your DH and what is allowable to him is a HUGE one. It wouldn't matter one bit how much your neighbor wanted your DH, if he had his priorities and morals right.

How to get over it? Counseling would be a good start. But honestly, until you believe your DH and believe that he sees this as a big problem, you won't be able to trust him again.

Good luck.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 5:40pm

I don't think there is any quick fix to getting over this.

you write: She was sitting on my DH lap and kisses followed. This again was not the first time this has happened. I spoke to my DH about his inappropriate behavior and that I was deeply hurt and felt so disrespected by him. As I had previously asked him not to be near her. My Dh didnt seem to feel that this was a big issue, however I did.""

!?!?!?!??!?!?!?

I'm sorry to have to tell DH, but this is a **HUGE** issue--it's about infidelity. It's about him breaking the vow of cherishing, loving and honoring you. When you cherish someone, you don't willingly engage in behavior you know causes your spouse emotional duress--you do everything to avoid bringing a world of emotional hurt down on them. So, what he's telling you is that he doesn't care that he's hurting you---he wants to indulge his selfishness and minimize to himself the damage his behavior is doing to you and your marriage.

you write: "In July we were with other friends away for the weekend and my Dh brought up the subject of my being upset about the Neighbor "friend" and that she likes to vent to him about how miserable she is in her marriage."

Unless he is a marriage therapist or a minister, there is no help he can give to her. She can call her girlfriends or make an appointment with a therapist if he she needs to vent that badly about her bad marriage---perhaps her behavior is the reason why her marriage sucks.

you write: "I approached "friend" and told her how uncomfortable the whole situation made me... She denied any wrong doing and was not willing to be accountable for her actions."

Then have a talk with her husband and insist that he keep her on a short leash. Ask him how he feels about his wife sitting in your husband's lap and kissing him and talking trash about their marriage... and let him know that you will not tolerate it and are putting the two of them on notice that she is no longer welcomed in your home or on the phone--there is nothing in your house for her.

Just write off this toxic woman.. and if you have to file restraining order, don't be afraid to do so. This is your marriage that is at stake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:03pm

Welcome to the board, Workingmom23. I'm truly sorry for what you're having to deal with and it's perfectly understandable that you'd have trust issues, to say the least. This has got to be really tearing you up. I'm hoping you're agreeable to sticking around for a few days so we can "talk" back and forth with you, ask questions, hear your thoughts and answers and be better able to give you some good help, as well as the support that you need.


I have some questions that I hope you'll answer before I go much further:

  • You described seeing your husband and your neighbor kissing in the back yard and said that wasn't the first time this had happened.
  • Exactly how long have you known this kind of behavior has been going on?
  • Is this the first time you've approached your husband about it?
  • He characterized the kissing as "no big deal" so I just want to be clear on this; does that mean that he feels it's acceptable and appropriate for you to kiss other men?
  • Have the two of you ever had a discussion about what you believe is appropriate (fidelity) in a relationship and/or marriage?
  • What are his views on fidelity, where does he think the line is drawn, or does he feel whatever either of you wants to do is fine?
  • Did he cheat on you before you got married or acted like this with anyone else before or after your marriage?
  • How long have you been married?


    Sorry for the long list of questions, but they'll help to understand the history and what's under the surface with him.


    I agree with Jen, your neighbor may seem like the problem, but she's not. Without knowing more I think it's safe to say it seems that at the heart of this is his morals and values; it seems he thinks what he's doing is perfectly acceptable. And if it's acceptable that means the problem won't stop when your neighbor goes away, he'll feel perfectly free to do the same with any other woman.


    It's also perfectly understandable that you'd be very unsure and untrusting. I don't blame you at all for being concerned that they're seeing each other while you're gone. After all, how much confidence can you have when you already know he thinks what he's doing is fine. Does your neighbor's husband know about this, by the way?


    I'm hoping to hear back from you with some answers. But with what I understand at this point, I don't know how you could feel trust, I don't think it's possible right now; trust is earned, and not only has he destroyed your trust, I don't know of any real effort he's done to try to earn it back. What gives you reason to trust?






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    iVillage Member
    Registered: 09-29-2005
    Fri, 09-30-2005 - 11:38am
    Thank you for your response and I can answer the questions that you pose to me. Just to give you some more background. The neighbor"friend" has acted inappropriatley on more that one occaison touchy feely with her husband right there. Yes, I did have previous conversations (more than 2 times) with my DH about his not staying by my side and how I felt he should remove himself from being near her. This has happened 3 or 4 times with this woman in the last year and on 2 other occaisons with other women. So, It is not just her.
    I dont think he thinks it is appropriate for me to kiss other men. Yes, we have had conversations about what we each feel is behavior that is acceptable in a marriage. I would feel strongly that he feels that kissing is infidelity and that is over the LINE.
    I dont know if he has cheated on me before or after we married,,, and as I stated before he acted badly with other women on 2 occaisons. We have been married 21 years.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sat, 10-01-2005 - 12:08am

    I'm confused. Since you said you did have a discussion about fidelity, I assume that he indicated his beliefs were the same as yours or you would have known to expect infidelity. You also said, "I dont think he thinks it is appropriate for me to kiss other men....I would feel strongly that he feels that kissing is infidelity and that is over the LINE. " Then how does he justify what he's doing and how does he tell you it's not big deal??? Because quite frankly, he can't justify doing what he says he believes is wrong and he certainly cannot justify doing what he believes would not be okay for you to do. (not that I'm suggesting you should go out and do the same, the result of that would only be that you feel awful about yourself, and that's NO help). When you say, "I would feel strongly that he feels that kissing is infidelity ...", it sounds like you haven't had that conversation with him in conjunction with his behavior. If not, WHY NOT???? I'm wondering, how much about this is being talked about between the two of you and how much are you staying silent about, letting it eat away at you?

    It's incredible to me that this neighbor's husband was a witness to their kissing and chooses to look the other way. Unbelievable. You said your husband has done this with two other women, I assume you mean he's kissed them in your presence. When did these occur? Recently also or in the past? How long ago? What happened in those instances, how did it stop, or did it? What did the two of you do to rebuild and repair the damage he did to your relationship? How did you regain your trust, or did you?

    This has to be incredibly difficult and hurtful for you. Do you have family and/or friends that you can talk to about this? It's a lot to keep in, you need some support, a venting place. I'd be negligent if I didn't mention the Betrayed Spouses Support , it's a board you might want to visit too.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown










    my signature exchange partner:

    Sexual Pleasure








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"