Is this a normal GUY Thing? or what?
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| Thu, 09-29-2005 - 8:25pm |
OK, I'm really depressed tonite. You have to understand that tonite is symbolic.
We've been married 12 years. I don't think he wants to share his life with me, basically!
On the nite he asked me to marry him, I was floored. We'd never talked about it. I couldn't believe it! This was after 2+ years of dating. I never saw much prob before then - other than I just wasn't that excited about him.
After that much time, how could I say no!???????
In premarital counseling, the minister asked about things & expressed surprise at such as we'd never talked about who would handle bills. In our counseling, it came out that there was an obvious disagreement about that. We laughed, yet still, in 12 years, there's been never another word in who would handle bills. After I overheard his opinion, I just backed down & I let him do it.
It's seemed from time to time that he just didn't want to SHARE life with me.
Still today, he insists on giving our girls separate valentines from himself.
He tells me what he was thinking of giving my one daughter for her bday ---what about US????
These are just examples.
He always talks to my inlaws about how HE contracted to have a new roof put on. I ask about ME, too & get pounded verbally - like I just make no sense.
AM I nuts? What can I do? We don't kill eachother & fight a lot. The marriage & family works mechanically, but I always think there's something missing. He says he's happy.
Today he tells me that another workbuilding tenant put ugly messages on his door & knifed the landlord's car ----- THREE years ago. Is this not important enough to mention?????? He said it was so highschoolish, therefore, he didn't mention it.
Is this the way all guys communicate????// I really do not know! I haven't dated much.
Why would he not share such events in his life?
All we usually talk about is who took out the garbage, etc.
He gets ANGRY when I ask him questions to try to get him talking.
I'm so sad tonite!!!!!! Can someone say something POSITIVE< but also HONEST< to make me feel better? I'll check back in the morn. There appears to be no answer.
He loves being this way. It's natural to him. I'm bored as hell & looking for some affection & color in our marriage.........
Please offer me some hope -but honest, not bs........... "(

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Many find rereading their old posts very enlightening and helpful. They often have better insight into the issues as they can see the situations clearer than than they could while in the middle of them and can gauge improvement or lack of. I hope you find them helpful too.
I’ll be back soon!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'm basing my answers on a lot of assumption and would love it if you'd let me know whether I'm right or wrong in what I assume. Feedback and further explanation from you would be very helpful in knowing better what the actual situation is. We can assume, but assumptions are rarely accurate or helpful in the face of the actual situation. I know you don't much like answering questions, but I'm hoping you will.
It would appear that not much has changed in the two years since you last posted, is that right? It seems like he is who he is and, as you say, is quite happy with that -- as he should be, we are all different and all live in the manner that is comfortable and right for us. So, yeah, what he's doing is normal for him. It can be hard sometimes to understand another person's point of view, or natural actions/reactions when they're very far from what would be normal and natural for us in the same situation. It's foreign to you so it doesn't make sense; never in a million years would you make the same choice or do the same thing. Sometimes it's not worth trying to figure out or understand, sometimes you just have to accept that their reactions are not going to be understood or predictable to you, sometimes you just have to be willing to just know you aren't going to get it an let it go at that. Trying to figure it out will only drive you nuts, so quit trying, lol.
I have to say that in this post, like your previous posts, some of what upsets you wouldn't upset me at all. I wouldn't take my husband getting individual card for our children to be a statement about our relationship, I would think it was great and sweet that he'd want to give them something from himself, it's a stronger bond for their relationship, and that's great. It also makes their cards from you to them -- just from you, more personal, bond strengthening too. As for the incident you describe about the coworker, apparently he didn't think it worthy of mentioning at home. Maybe he didn't want to worry you, maybe he didn't want to make too much of it at the time, maybe he likes to leave work things at work and maybe he just didn't want to talk about it. Putting myself in your position I can see myself being surprised by it and asking why he didn't tell me at the time, I might think his answer was odd, but I don't think I'd give it more than ten seconds worth of thought. I'm not saying you're wrong, but I think it's pretty clear that you and he are not like-minded. In one of your past posts you said, "I've never been "headoverhills" for my hubby. My old boyfriend would rile up my feelings - keeping me on my toes about possibilities of old girlfriends. I was frequently jealous & he made a point of every so often being cryptic & I was so insecure that I couldn't get a guy if I lost him." That sounds like you like/liked a lot of drama and uncertainty. From what you describe of your husband, it doesn't sound like he has any of those kinds of qualities, is that right? As for bill-paying, my husband and I never had that conversation either, bill paying just kind of evolved. I don't think that's such a big deal, though I do think it's important to talk about things like that to make sure there are no vast differences in beliefs/tendencies for bill paying and other chores. If what you're doing works, what's the problem?
A couple of questions:
I'm getting the feeling that it isn't so much that he doesn't communicate with you as it is that you don't like his approach, his point of view or the direction he sees as the way to go.
So I guess, Cats, the big question is, you're still unhappy with him and with your life, what are you doing to make your life happier?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for your insights. It's actually encouraging to know that maybe others wouldn't take things the way I do. I feel like I just need to understand WHY he's the way he is. Slowly, over the years, thru therapy & such, I've come to understand more. But I still just don't. Guess I agreed to that when I married him. Guess I just need some encouragement to stay in this marriage. Not to just resign myself to having made a mistake & stay w/him for the sake of kids.
When talking about valentines, birthdays coming up, & roofing (household issues) - I think what bothers me is that I think things should be US & not ME VS HIM. I think he should get together with me about my dd's birthday & talk about US making a decision about a new roof. He just doesn't see it. ***We are two people living parallel - not mixed together!*** That's my point & I just dont' know what to do about it!
With my old boyfriend, I bore my heart & soul. I've never gotten that from him & have learned, in time, not to bare mine to him. I'm a very feeling person & it's so sad not to have someone to do that with.
What can I do to make my life happier? Therapy has only gone so far. I feel trapped betw a rock & a hard place.
Actually - I HAVE been happier in the past couple of years! Maybe I've just been burying everything.
Since this summer - the doubts are creeping back in>. Catalyst?
We all went on vacation with my big family. Hubby spent most of the time alone in our condo. I spent most of my time out on the beach w/all my family members chatting. They kept asking about him - & I got embarrassed, unable to explain, & then, doubtful. It really brought to lite how different we are. I don't know what to say/do about this. This vacation really got me stirred up!
This is it for now. Hope this gives you some more direction about where I'm at now. I welcome feedback, but must get something done today! Thanks for listening! I'll check back soon.
I'll tell you too, though I don't know what happened with the "verbal pounding" in reference to your description of the roof incident, some people are more prone to talking about themselves than about looking for ways to add their partners into their stories and their conversations. And from what you've said this would go along very logically with his character. I don't think he's trying to exclude you, he's just not trying to include you. It's his nature to discuss his own stuff. If you want to talk about yourself do it, but if you're waiting for him to talk about the two of you together, I think you should save yourself the trouble of waiting and hoping it'll happen, it's not going to; and that's not wrong or a bad thing, it's just another big difference between your styles, your preferences, your personalities.
I think you're going down the wrong road in trying to understand why he is as he is. He's different than you, and that's all there is to it. We're all different to some extent, some just a little different than ourselves, some vastly different. It's the way it is. Understanding why his personality is what it is won't make any difference even if you could figure it out, it wouldn't change a thing, so why the need to understand? Do you feel the need to understand everyone who's preferences are different than your own?
When you describe the scene this summer that embarrassed you, I have to tell you, there's absolutely no reason that the situation should have embarrassed you or that you should have felt the need to make excuses for him. He was doing what he wanted to do, doing what he preferred. It's not crime if he wants to be alone. If you family asked where he was, what's wrong with just saying, "he's back in our room, reading, relaxing (or whatever he does)". You aren't his mother or his boss, he's an adult and an individual who makes his own choices. You are not responsible for them. If your family doesn't understand him wanting time alone, that's their problem. If he chooses to hole up and never come out you can just tell them that this is how he generally is, it's what he prefers, end of story. No big deal. If they find it odd or are hurt by his absence, that's their issue to take up with him, and it's his issue to face and deal with, not yours. His relationship with them is his, your relationship with them is yours, they are two totally different relationships and neither of you has a place in the other's business there.
With what I've just said I will also tell you that I've felt what you describe with your family when I was with my ex-husband. I got all tied up in knots about his behavior and "strangeness" around them. I was at times almost terrified that his behavior would call attention to himself and his "off" ways. I worked at reminding myself how separate our relationships with others was, but wasn't as successful as I'd like to have been. My husband was an alcoholic and verbally abusive, our relationship was dysfunctional and while it's true that our relationships with others is separate, it was also true that I was living a life I was trying to hide from my friends and family and I so desperately wanted him (and our relationship) to at least appear "normal". The answer for me was divorce. It's much easier to maintain proper boundaries and allow partners to be responsible for their own relationships with others when the relationships we have with them is healthy, not dysfunctional. I have been remarried for almost four years and can tell you it's been very easy since the beginning to not even consider involving myself in the business of his relationships with others and I tell anyone who has an issue with my husband that they need to take it up with him, period. But I have to tell you too, that we don't have a lot of problems or issues and the reason for that is that my husband and I are very compatible and like-minded. I don't think that's the case with you.
A couple of things you're not going to like: In talking about your surprise marriage proposal that you had no idea was coming after two years of dating, you said, "After that much time, how could I say no!??????? "Honestly? You say, "I don't think that's a good idea", "I don't think that would work out", I care very much about you but I don't think that will be right for us", or at least, "I'm not sure right now, I need some time to think about it" (while you figure out how to say "no". But, the bottom line is, if you don't believe that person is absolutely the right person for you, then you don't commit, no matter how long you've been dating. You've also mentioned a few times about staying together for the kids. I don't agree that's doing anyone (your husband, yourself or the kids) any favors. Growing up in a house without parents who obviously love each other and interact with each other, growing up with a mom who's frustrated by dad (whether you think they know or not, they know -- belive me) isn't a great way to grow up and isn't setting a good example for them. The life you're living is the life they're learning to live themselves when they grow up. If you're not happy and haven't been for as many years as it seems to have been, living separately with a happy mom and separately with a happy dad would be much more solid, happy and would teach them better things about how to be an adult, IMO. Cats, from what you've said, I don't think there's anything "wrong" with your husband. What I do think is that you're not at all the same kind of people, not at all compatible. He is who he is and you are who you are, period. You haven't changed what you want, what makes you happy, what you see as the "right" way for partners to be together and neither has he. That's not going to change. Staying will mean frustration continues without end, period. Not the way I'd want to live my life.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
My ex-h was also would not spend time with my family, didn't want to go places and do things with dd and I.
Thanks to you both.
Last nite, I was so sad.
I just don't know what I can DO to make things better. He won't do counseling anymore b/c he says he's happy with how he is.......
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.
Cats, if he is happy how he is, then he doesn't want to change, and in honesty, he shouldn't. It seems that he's been consistently telling you the same thing, that he's happy with how he is, for years. That pretty much tells you he's solid on how he feels about himself. He's very sure and very satisified where he is. The only person you can change is you. All you can do is accept him for who he is, recognize that you are different and be happy and satisfied with each of you as you are. However, if you're not happy with how he is, you're not. If the differences are vast enough that you aren't happy and satisfied it's not workable. You can't make yourself happy in a situation that's just plain wrong for you. You've spent years in this relationship unhappy, it seems that changing yourself into someone who's satisfied and happy with who your husband is isn't going to happen. I think it's time to realize that this situation isn't going to change and that you need to make decisions for your own wants, needs and happiness based on that realization. You've tried to make him change for years, it hasn't happened. He's happy how he is, he doesn't want to change. You're not happy with the situation, or with who he is as a person. That doesn't make you wrong or bad and it doesn't make him wrong or bad either, just two people who aren't at all alike and don't have compatibilities that make living together feasible.
What has your therapist been telling you?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
My therapist(s) try to convince me that the situation is right. I guess they want to encourage me to stay with him at all costs.
He's been in such a bad mood lately. I just don't want to be around him at all.
Like this morning. He so often is in a bad mood in the morning. He FREAKS getting the kids off to school. He gets so mad, thinking they'll be late. Thing I don't understand is - how I can leave up to 10 min later & I can still get them to school on time.
He does this stupid sighing, muttering thing --- I may have talked about it in previous posts. I think he does it = so he can get a stab in but it makes it hard for me to defend myself or say anything back.
I'm pissed over something little this morning he did - but it's really just representative b/c he does it all the time. He told my youngest to come back & brush her teeth before getting in the car. We both replied that she HAD (already done it) b/c I knew she had & she had. He said, "OK! God help us!"......
Now - what was I supposed to do? LIE - just so he didn't get his feelings hurt? I keep wondering how I was SUPPOSED to handle that question. He gets offended so easily! -- Please tell me what I should've done with this.
but then, it doesn't make me happy that he's always making these interjections in response to something I do or say. It's degrading. It doesn't leave me a defense, & it's not fair! It really irritates me. I try to tell him to come out & address irritations w/me but he won't & I think he's really afraid of getting into it w/me.
This situation may seem trivial but I'm just so tired of him being in a bad mood. It's NO FUN.
So are counseling or divorcing my only choices? That's all I can see.....
Before I go into answers to your questions and respond to the examples you gave, I'm still don't have answers to the questions I asked in the previous post. I'll repost them here to make it easier for you:
I have two more questions, and I'm writing it out separately because I want to be sure you don't think I'm being sarcastic or nasty in asking them. They're genuine, not a slap or a slam and I'd really like you to answer it as thoughtfully as you can:
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Haven't really done anything to improve over the last 2 years - just more therapy for myself. I try real hard to do the right thing & not upset him, which seems to make things better - but it's not the real me & it's exhausting.
I think he's grown more quiet & crochety in recent years. He's doing more & more of the sighing & derogatory comments (such as "Jesus Christ!" and "God Help Me!" --- he says them to himself - but wants them heard obviously...) He seems to have wanted more together things when we dated - like before kids.
Verbally pounded - He cuts down my "complaining" about what bothers me. Of course, not just in this US / Me situation, but anything I have something to say about. He calls it "complaining" & wrong. I call it being more assertive. He seems to think it's wrong to be anything but passive.....just accepting things as they are.
As far as gifts for the kids: I just think we ought to make decisions TOGETHER b/c we are married. I'm jealous of my kids. My dd's birthday is coming up & he told me recently what HE was thinking of getting for her. I just think a married couple ought to think of ideas TOGETHER> We never discuss anything.
Likes: Well, he can be sweet. He works very hard at his job. He provides for his family. He's a good dad. He's smart. He stays home & doesn't want to party -like some of his friends. He's stable & honest. Generally, he's a good person.
Lastly, I think I answered above about differences now & previously --- up above here.
How's that? :0D
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