DH, money, children and life...
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| Fri, 09-30-2005 - 10:34am |
Ladies (and gents?), I'm close to my wits end. My DH and I have been married 4 1/2 years but have ongoing money issues. Last night we got into an argument after visiting friends and their newborn. They are older and relatively well off so they have all the best baby furniture, strollers, etc. I admired my friend's Coach baby bag (which is very cute, but impractical my friend and I agreed). Anyway, my DH and I get home and start talking about baby names, and somehow it went from there to how he will never allow "frivolous" spending for our child like our friends did; that our child would "make do". The example he used was the kid would go from the crib to the bed in the spare bedroom; no fancy toddler bed etc. The old bed was a hand me down to us for which we had to buy a new mattress because it gave US back problems. But he thinks our child should make do with it?!? Ultimately he said he was afraid that when we have children that "we" (meaning I) will want to spend so much on "frivolous" items that we will go into debt. And I said to him that frivolous is relative and that what he thought was practical I could consider frivolous and vice versa. And that some things are worth the expense. I used the example of the snow blower we bought last winter. It wasn't the top of the line, but it wasn't the bottom either. And in any event, it WASN'T A SHOVEL! But, according to him, anything more complex than an old fashion mop (where you have to wring it by hand) is a luxury!!! Not that HE does any of the mopping. Now, don't get me wrong, he is NOT universally frugal. What HE thinks is important is important, but if HE thinks it's a luxury, than it's a waste of money. He'll spend plenty of money to regrip his golf clubs and work on his game, but heaven forbid I should spend money on a good suit.
SO I tried to headoff the conversation because I could see it was heading for a fight, but he just kept going on and on about his hoping that we can live within our means and make decisions that are best for our household. So I looked at him and said, "Do you not think that I will make decisions according to what's best for my family and household?" His reply: "I pray you will." UGH!!! This man is so arrogant and self-centered that he thinks he's the only one capable of making a valid decision. What the heck am I, chopped liver?!!? So by that point I'm angry and hurt and stop participating in the conversation. Not that THAT stops him. He proceeds to tell me how all I do is go to the mall and buy clothes I don't need and how he doesn't spend anything (all of which is a one-sided exaggeration). I state that he can't make unilateral decisions and he caps off the conversation with an "I'm head of the household" monologue that seals my anger for the night. In the end he slept in the other room and I spent the night really contemplating whether I can have children with this man.
Ultimately, I think he is legitimately concerned about how financial decisions will be made with children because he struggled growing up. BUT, he has never put faith in me or trusted my decisions to the point where we usually do things separately. We are not rich, but comfortable enough that we have the resources to make spending decisions relatively freely. However, a lot of the time I feel like a prisoner when it comes to spending because he will generally disagree with me and it will become an argument. There are things I think I've worked hard for the right to consider that I can't because of this. And I'm afraid if we have children that I will be in this battle perpetually everytime the child needs something. Any ideas on how to get him to realize that he's not the only capable member of this marriage?

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Cast iron skillet up the side of his head? (I'm JOKING. Just in case someone thinks I'm seriously suggesting this as a viable option.)
Has he been this way the whole time you've been married? Was he like this before you married? Do you work and have your own paycheck? If so, does he control where that money is spent too? Have you thought of letting him do the mopping? ;)
He may be legitimately concerned about finances, but it sounds like he is taking this all a bit too far and he needs some help in getting over his fear. I know my DH gets very concerned about $$ but he always lets me decide if we really need something for the kids or not, since I am their primary care giver. And he was raised with cheap junk ($50 mattress anyone?) whereas I was raised to buy things to last. We've worked through it but a big part of that is because he sees me be so conscious about $$ and where it goes. If your DH can't work through it and you really DON'T spend totally frivalously, then I'm not sure what to say other than he sounds a "tad" controlling to me.
Jen
Hmmm. He sounds like my friend's ex husband. (note the 'ex') It was OK for him to buy fancy things for himself, but heaven forbid she buy decent clothes for herself or the kids. He was horrified that she paid $10 for a hairdresser to cut her children's hair instead of learning to do it herself. He wouldn't even let her buy a new oven to replace the broken one. And on the occaisions that she did spend money, his reaction was to sulk for days on end.
Anyway, I'm just fishing for a little more info before I post. Is he controlling in ways other than financial? For example; the free time you spend together.... are his suggestions the only good ones? And the house you live in.... is he the one who gets to decide how to furnish or renovate it?
Sorry to give questions rather than answers, but I want to find out just how deep his controlling personality runs.
Hi Hazeleyedleo,
The other posters had some really good questions -- is he this controlling in other areas of your lives together?
No, he's not hyper controlling. Granted, he has his moments where he thinks he is the center of the world (like all men), but I can't say he's always like that. But money has always been our weakest spot. It seems like whenever I say up, he says down. When I say save, he says spend (and vice versa), but he seems to favor the cheaper choice for household items, etc. His father is the exact same way to a fault, where he's got all this money but is afraid to spend it. He'll spend money at the pawn shop or going out of business sale, but will duct tape the house til he can't keep it together anymore before going to a regular store and buying something (gasp!) full price. I believe my DH's mom has swung to the opposite extreme as a result and makes poor choices and is always in debt. (they have been divorced for years for several reasons). I'm not his mother, and I DON'T want him to become his father.
Most of all, though, I feel like my opinion and thoughts aren't valued at all. I would love for us to face an issue and be able to discuss it and make a decision that works for us both and our household. Now it seems like they are just not getting made to avoid the discussion/fight. If I bring it up and its not important to him, or if I want to get something better than the bottom of the line, its an issue and I'm being selfish or frivolous. But that completely disregards the fact that I have very good reasons for the choices I'm making, and tnat I make decisions (especially spending decisions) thoughtfully. But, nope, it doesn't even occur to him. It really makes me wonder what he truly thinks of me. Most men think of the potential mother of their children with some sense of respect or admiration, but MY husband.....
*Oh, btw, just because that's what he says doesn't mean that he gets it that way. We use an O-Cedar Power Roller!
I'm glad to hear it! :)
Welcome to the board, Hazeleyedleo ~ I am in total agreement with what's already been said here, and I will be interested in hearing your answers to the questions they've asked too.
I will say that it sounds very much like he's let you know exactly what he believes in his statement about being "head of the household". He's telling you quite clearly that you are not partners, he does not see you as an equal, he sees himself as being in charge, the dictator, the decider and the one to mandate what does and does not happen. You're looking at this as a partnership, expecting (and rightly so) that he's going to want to buy some things that you don't agree with, don't think are necessary, etc., and he's going to give you the same leeway. In a partnership that is how it would go, but you don't have a partnership, you have a guy who believes he's your boss. Not good.
How long have you been married? Was he like this all along or did it come in later? Has it slowly become worse, change overnight, or what? How long did you date before getting married? (that one might seem silly, but it could be very important).
I'll be checking back for your answers!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
thanks for the welcome, cl. okay... no, he wasn't like that before we were married (almost 5 years ago, dated 2 years), nor is he like that all the time with everything. I have my own paycheck and spend my own money without his control at all. Its when there's a shared expense where there's an issue. Quite frankly, I'd rather have more of a blended set of accounts we can build together than how we have it now, but we can't seem to make it work without huge problems or a power struggle. So our money is pretty much separated. His reactions seem almost like a defense mechanism when he feels threatened, by me or otherwise. I don't think he's learned to or let himself trust me completely. It's like he's so busy protecting himself that it comes at my/our detriment.
But, I have to tell you all, I was expecting more practical advice than leaving him or judgements about his being controlling. He's not all bad (or I would have left by now) but has a weakness like any other human. I could really use some help.
Edited 10/1/2005 3:12 pm ET ET by hazeleyedleo
My first comment is on the mattress issue.
I have something for you to discuss with your DH prior to having children. If you become a stay at home mum, all the spending money will come from his pay. How will you agree to seperate the money?
Please discuss this even if you plan to return to work. Discuss how childcare is to be paid for. Also, I know many mothers who've planned to return to work, but couldn't leave their children when push comes to shove. There is a chance you may (as I did) have a disabled child which could prevent you from returning to work (and will cost you a mountain of $$$ in therapy!) so discuss this one too.
Just play out the scenarios to see if you can agree.
When it comes to advice, my thought is to make a budget and put money aside for those joint things. If he can agree to set aside a certain amount each pay and he *knows* that this money is for joint spending, he may be less concerned about it.
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