cheating on a past partner

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
cheating on a past partner
6
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 12:43am
I recently found out that my boyfriend cheated on his last girlfriend, with whom he had a short long distance relationship. I find this fact disturbing enough, but on top of that, he remains very close with her. She contacts him regularly, and she visits his parents. I am under the impression that she doesn't know he cheated on her.
Is it normal for me to be so bothered by the fact he was willing to cheat on another woman? Should I be worried about the fact that they will be spending quite a bit of time together while he goes to visit his family this weekend?Is there any way for me to even be able to bring this up with him without looking very jealous?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 1:52am

Not only do I think it's normal for you to be concerned that your boyfriend's cheated in the past, I think not take notice and be concerned would be alarming; you wouldn't be showing appropriate behavior in taking care of yourself.


Yes, you can talk about this, but before I can go any further there are some questions that really need to be answered:

  • How did you find out about the cheating? Is the source reliable, do you know for sure? (flying off with "facts" that aren't true wouldn't be good...)
  • Does he know you know and have you discussed it? If so, what did he say about it?
  • Is this the only girl he has contact with? If not, is she the only one you are concerned about?
  • How old was he when he cheated? How long ago did this happen?


    I'll be checking back for your answers.






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown










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    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 06-24-2005
    Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:40am
    -I found out from two of his bestfriends, who are also friends of mine
    -As far as I know, he doesn't know they told me
    -He has female friends, and occasionally talks to a former fling, but this is the only one I'm concerned about. This particular girl constantly tells him how hot he is, visits his parents and brings them gifts, and contacts him as often as possible.
    -He was 21. This happened early this year (January)
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Tue, 10-04-2005 - 12:12am

    I think you can easily talk about infidelity in general without giving away the fact that his friends have told you about him. In fact, it's a subject that should be discussed whether you know or suspect previous infidelity or not. It's important to know where the boundaries are, what each of you thinks on the subject so that you know what to expect from each other and are clear on what each of you expects in the relationship. If the subject leads you there, you could ask him if he's ever cheated or been cheated on before. I have to tell you though that he may choose not to discuss it, which is his right and in truth, if a member posted here asking if he or she should tell about previous infidelities they'd committed, I would urge them not to tell.


    As far as the ex who's still a friend, I think you have reason for concern based on her behavior. I'm sure it's a real ego stroke for him to have her telling him he's hot, but it's not a "friendship" in that case. Friends don't come on to friends, they have no interest beyond a platonic relationship. Does he have other female friends? I assume that he does and I assume you don't have a problem with them. I don't think there's anything wrong with telling him that you're uncomfortable with her relationship with him, if he protests (and he probably will) I'd put it in a way he can understand. Ask him how accepting he'd be if an ex of yours was a friend who visited your parents, brought you gifts and always told you how hot you were. Be sure that you describe the scene to fit how she is in his life rather than to just say something like, "how would you like it if an ex of mine treated me like she treats you?" My experience is that asking them to visualize the whole scene without your help won't happen, he won't get it and it won't help at all; but when you describe it all he visualizes it and then he has a better idea of how he'd feel in the situation. Does that make sense?


    I also think you have good reason to be concerned and alert in this relationship. I'd be wary and keep myself from getting too involved with him. If he's cheated before the likelihood of him cheating again is much greater, protect yourself. How long have you been with him? In truth, most likely I'd rethink the whole relationship, having a guy I felt I had to watch would not be the kind of relationship I'd be looking for. Are you concerned he's fooling around with the ex who tells him he's hot?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown










    my signature exchange partner:

    Sexual Pleasure








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 10-07-2005 - 2:29am

    What's new, No_idea? Did you talk to him? Do you plan to? Have you made a decision about how to handle this? Have you taken any steps to deal with this with him?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 06-24-2005
    Sun, 10-23-2005 - 12:08am
    I actually just mentioned it to him now. I mentioned that a friend had told me about what happened. He said it wasn't true and didn't say a word more. He is making a bit of an effort to not talk as much about the girl now, since it clearly bothers me, but was talking to her mother yesterday.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Mon, 10-24-2005 - 12:57am

    That doesn't sound helpful....It sounds like you didn't ask him his views on cheating? Why not?


    Him not talking about her as much doesn't do anything to help...it just means his thoughts about her have gone underground. He may not be saying things out loud, but it won't have made her stop thinking about her. Why does he think she bothers you? The issue is his cheating, not her????


    It doesn't sound like you've gained a thing, or am I missing something?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"