Hubby is TOO laid back

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Hubby is TOO laid back
5
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 12:52pm
I’m 40 and have been married to my hubby (42) for almost 2 years. In the last year or so, it has become increasingly clear that I am expected to wear the pants in the family. He will make no decisions, and will do NOTHING without my consent or direction. I am and was very independent when we married, and we live in the home I purchased while I was a single mom. He lived alone (no kids of his own) in his home when we began dating, and seemed to take care of his personal business perfectly fine, and it was one of the things I admired about him. Now, however, he doesn’t really pay attention to the details that need addressing: paying his bills on time, keeping his home (which he now rents someone in his family) in good repair, maintenance on the home we live in (unless I specifically TELL him to do something). He shows no initiative to make things nicer or updated - I am the one who does the painting and installing ceiling fans and coordinating the floor replacement. He DOES, however, keep the kitchen clean when he is home (he works offshore 2 weeks out and 2 weeks in). The rest of his time is spent watching TV. And, very little cooking (limited to grilling). My daughters like him, but don’t respect him, which makes forming a healthy parental relationship difficult. They can see how frustrated I am, even though I try to keep them separate from it as much as possible. He has had problems with depression in the past, and it took about a year of me suggesting he needed to have it checked out again before he finally went to his doctor. He has been on medication for awhile now, and it has made some difference, but not as much as I thought it might.
Part of his problem, also, may be due to seeing his mom handle EVERYTHING while he was growing up. His father was around, but it was his mother who was the driving force in the marriage. I also wonder if my being a strong, independent woman with very specific ideas about how things should be done is intimidating for him, or maybe makes him feel HE doesn’t have to do anything. He is very laid back, but while we were dating, he seemed to have his own ideas and had no problem voicing them. No more. We have discussed this repeatedly, but there really hasn’t been much change. There have been 2 crisis’s in our family lately, and each time, I was the one who had to be strong for everyone else. I had no partner in my time of need, and I felt very alone and disillusioned. Marriage counseling is a must, obviously, but will that make a weak person stronger? He is so timid around me, and it irritates me and turns me off. Any suggestions would be appreciated!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 12:43am

My thought would be that his childhood (leading mother and following father) is more than part of the problem. I'm thinking he learned what his place in a relationship was there, by watching his parents. It's the only example of how relationships should be carried out, its the role he watched and rehearsed throughout his entire childhood, it's what feels comfortable to him regardless of whether society says it should be different or not. He may have behaved differently when you first got together, partly because if he was single he had to take care of his own things, and partly because we all behave a little differently than we really are when we're dating, we're trying to put our best foot forward and present the best picture of ourselves we can (and I'm sure you know that). Once you got married it would have been easy for him to slide into that role he was groomed for all those years, slowly letting you take the lead as he dropped off into the background. Being a strong, independent woman, I'd guess you might not have even noticed for a while. Especially being a single mother, you were used to handling everything on your own. For me (also have been a single mother) it was hard to give up some of that power, quit being solely responsible for everything. Defense mechanism for me, I didn't want to find myself depending on someone else for duties that would fall to me if the relationship went bad, it was easier to keep doing it all than to take a chance that I'd feel overwhelmed if it all got dropped in my lap again. But then, this is about you, not me :) It could also be that he feels inferior and has fallen into that lovely cycle of the less you do the more inferior/incapable you feel so you do even less, which makes you feel even more inferior/incapable.....and so on.


I think you're right on target with counseling being a must, I think that's where the bulk of your help and repair are going to come from. I suspect that he dropped off slowly rather than all of a sudden just ceasing to be a partner anymore. If that's true, I think getting him back can begin the same, slowly. You could start by asking him to take care of one job, an easy one that takes a few minutes and needs to be done "right now", and word it in the frame of "I need your help"; being needed is a good thing and, if he's successful in helping he'll feel better about himself, better that he "rescued you" (a male thing) and encouraged that he did good. Find something that you need his help with every day for several days, then see if you can't find a job that will need to be done daily that and ask him to take it over for you. I think getting him back in the game slowly (and maybe without him even realizing he's back in it) will help build his self esteem, get him moving and (hopefully in time) motivated and eventually he'll be a full-fledged partner and action taker and decision maker all on his own and it'll help his depression too. As time moves on you can ask his opinion on things and make a point of letting him know his ideas/thoughts were good, respected and use them! That takes all the decision making away from you and puts him in that role right along with you. I think with the change you might also find him becoming someone who respects himself more and as a result will command more respect from your kids. I also think if you're working against the model his parent's laid out for him, moving slowly perhaps without him realizing might work better than a recognized, forced change.


What do you think?


I completely understand your frustration and in your place I'd probably be thinking it would less frustrating just being single again, at least when you're single you know it's all on your shoulders. Having someone there who's not doing a thing is worse than dead weight, to me it's a reminder that you should have a partner, but you don't. Been there before, not with a husband but with a boyfriend, and the longer it went on, the madder (and more disgusted) I got!







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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 8:15am

Wow! Somebody DOES understand! A couple of your suggestions have been tried, and to his credit, if I ask him to do something, he does it right away, provided it doesn't involve sweating or using tools. When he is home, he will taxi my kids wherever they need to go, and THAT's a big help. With his schedule (gone for 2 weeks at a stretch), I can't rely on him to handle certain tasks all the time, but that's okay. Some tasks can wait until he gets home.

I realize I can be a handful - I'm pushy and I can get uptight about things, and I put up a barrier for awhile. He recognizes this, and it's something we joke about. He doesn't seem intimidated by it - he just accepts it and deals with it, so he doesn't always recognize that he has contributed to my frustration in a big way, but we are able to talk about it later.

Maybe I'm more aggravated than normal because his laziness extends into intimate areas, and I'm physically and emotionally frustrated.

Thanks for your insight!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 4:28am

I have to tell you, Jld, I think another thing that might be at play here is him being gone two weeks a month. You said it in your first post and I glossed over it, just didn't see it. But, now that you say it again, I think it could have a big part in the problem. It would be easy for him to feel out of the loop, like he doesn't belong and/or like he isn't needed because (as you said in that same first post) you're a strong independent woman who doesn't need some guy showing up and acting like he's going to save the day -- you're doing fine without him.


We just did a stint on the Military Families board and I asked them how they managed to adjust back to "normal" life when their husband's returned from six months or so of being at duty. While two weeks isn't six months, I do think it has to be stressful and it has to be an adjustment each time. One of the members there gave an especially great answer, you might find her post helpful and/or insightful: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-psmilitary&msg=9209.3


Downplaying the "I can handle this" mode and playing up the "I'm so glad you're back I really need your help with xxx" might give him the boost and feeling that he has a place and is really needed (guys need this) that might jump start your way to a more even partnership.


'Course, I still think you're dealing with his upbringing too....







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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 10:11am
He has worked this kind of schedule for 13+ years, and shortly after we married, he took a local job, but the low pay (less than mine) and chaotic schedule contributed to his depression, so we decided he needed to go back to what he was use to, for his and our well-being. He feels more secure, making more money, and we always know when he will be off, which makes it easier to plan things. He worked this schedule when we first began dating and it worked out great - we got the chance to miss each other. The local job didn't turn out to be a good move because he was always working, or always on call, and the pay was insulting for someone with his experience. He has been back to the kind of work and schedule he is most accustomed to for almost 3 months, and while it takes him a day or so to get acclimated to being on the "home schedule" (understandable), it is working out well. I have had a lot of resentment toward him lately (he understands this) so him being gone helps clear the air so when he gets back, we can actually enjoy each other's company and talk through some of our issues. The last time he was home, we had to evacuate for a hurricane, and it was HORRIBLE, and I was angry about how he acted (or didn't) during that crisis, so it was fortunate that he had to go back to work right after that. I can clear my head and sort through things, and start off with a clean slate again when he gets home. We've been in contact most of the time he's been gone, and at the suggestion of my counselor, asked him to make a list of my strengths and weaknesses, as well as his own from his perspective. I will do the same and we will go over it when he gets home. We also need to discuss our expectations of each other. I have arranged for marital counseling when he gets back, so that should help too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 2:48am

I'm sorry to hear the recent hurricane's affected you. I hope you didn't see any damage, so many were completely devastated.


I didn't say it before, but your description of your personality sounded very much like me. I'm not so sure that's a good thing :). My husband can attest to my strength. One ex-boyfriend described me as the most complex woman he'd ever known, while another ex pulled my then boyfriend, now husband aside to warn him that I was "abrasive". My husband, who'd known me for three years by then looked at him and dryly said, "Really". LMAO, it was not news to him! The good news is, personalities like ours get things done.


It sounds like you've got things well in hand and are taking a very strong and positive approach to resolving your problems. All that is going to assure that you have the very best of chances of finding good resolution and moving forward without it. Here's hoping for every success.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"