Getting back together with ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Getting back together with ex
7
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:38pm
Hello. I'm new here. I have a relationship situation. My ex boyfriend and I are talking about getting back together. We have been addressing the issues that caused us to split in the first place and we have been dating. Our first relationship lasted two years. The problem is that most of his friends hate me, as does his mother. My friends and family are disappointed in how he handled himself at the end of our relationship but would accept him again. I felt that we had moved too quickly by moving in together in the first place and rapidly fell into a state of taking each other for granted. There was no romance and he was not holding up his end up of the bargain by being financially responsable or helping out with anything related to our house. He was also very jealous and possessive. He was not supportive of me having my own life. I suggested some time apart to work on these issues but he refused. He said any time apart would result in the end of our relationship. I waited until he found a roommate but his mother and friends still thought I was being unfair. While I was moving out, his mother showed up to give me a piece of her mind and I responded with the same. I never liked his mother and find her to be a pretty horrible person. Most of his friends are not my favorite people either. Now we have been dating but haven't told anybody. We are reaching the point where it is hurtful when he won't see me because he is with his friends and it would be uncomfortable for them to be around me. I am also concerned about his mother. I don't want anything to do with her ... ever. I am not what to do here. Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Do you have any suggestions on how to present our relationship to his friends and mother ... any idea on how to "make the peace" with his mother, even though I think she's plain awful? I honestly wouldn't even want my kids around her if I had them. She has even told me in the past that she would give my kids whatever they wanted and would ignore my instructions so her grandkids would like her better than me. She's selfish and immoral. Is this whole thing hopeless? My boyfriend understands how I feel about her and agrees with me on many points but she's still his mother and she is very controlling and always butting her nose in to his affairs. Can anyone help? Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 5:01pm

Honestly, and you probably aren't going to like this one bit, but I would walk away now and stop thinking about this guy. In-laws aren't people you can just "deal with" and "tolerate" very well. Especially when you have a MIL who you don't like, who doesn't like you, and thinks she has every right to be involved in your business. It's just not worth the heartache and drama.

I double this advice because you don't like any of his friends and they don't like you either.

Did you bother to date anyone else while you were broken up? How old are the both of you? Does your ex have any siblings and where does he fall in the mix if he does?

My MIL still complains about the girlfriend DH had who told her off when they were dating 12 years ago. She STILL hates her. So I don't think you are really going to be able to repair that, especially if she said that about kids etc.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:25am

Oh my, you're getting back together with this guy because......?????


Take a look at it:
You don't like his friends.
He chooses his friends and he does so based on his taste, his preferences. Not liking one or two friends is one thing, but none of them? That is a huge indicator that you don't care for the majority of this guy's character. Who will the two of you get together with? Invite over? Or will you either dislike that he's out with them or bite the bullet and hate that you're with them too?


You don't like his mother.
To the point of being selfish and immoral. To make matters worse, she doesn't like you and she's already let you know she'll not support anything you try to do with children. She is your boyfriend's mother. A relationship with him means a relationship with her -- for as long as you're with him. If you are married and/or have children, even more contact, believe me. I believe you when you say she's controlling, and this is something you need to pay close attention to. She controls your boyfriend, her son. He'll do what she wants, as she wants. She controls him now and she'll continue to do so. If you want a relationship that means you have to go through his mother every step of the way, you're choosing the right guy, but, if you want your own relationship, where you're partners who make choices together and your parents respect those choices, you need to find someone else. This guy is a package deal, getting him means getting his mother too.

He is financially irresponsible and doesn't do his share.
He is jealous and possessive.
Explain to me why you want to invite this hassle back into your life? He showed you very well what he was about, what he was capable of and how he operates, he had no problem letting you foot the bill. These are choices he made, actions he chose to take. The fact that he has already done them tells you he can and will do them again, it's within his belief system, it's within what he feels is a choice that is acceptable for him to make. He showed you his true personality and beliefs about a relationship by being jealous and possessive. Of course, you realize, jealous and possessive are controlling traits -- just like his mother, and believe me, you've only seen the beginning of that.

So you're getting back together with a guy who's friends you hate, who's mother you hate (and who hates you back), who's promised to create trouble for you in the future. You're willing to take all that on for a controlling, possessive, jealous guy who has left you responsible for paying the bills. HUH?!?!?!?!??!?!?!


Question. What's changed that will assure the outcome will be different? If you just dive back in, you're going to end up in the same hole you were in before. What have the two of you resolved? What's changed? How will the friends be handled differently? His mother? The finances? The controlling, possessive, jealous behavior (which is a dangerous precursor to domestic abuse)? How will things be dealt with differently? You've heard it, if you don't learn from history you're doomed to repeat it. That's true here too. Honestly, in this case, I'd say what you need to learn from history is that this is not a situation you want to get involved with again, but if you think you've resolved all the issues that worked against you....


Honestly? I'd say this has so many huge red flags waving, you really need to move on and find someone with friends and family you like, morals and values that make him financially responsible, a healthy, open view towards women and relationships. I think this relationship will have you heading nowhere but to misery. It's not worth it. My advice is run! run! run! as fast and as far away as you can.

Good relationships are easy, so why would you want to spend your time struggling to keep a bad relationship alive when if it were good in the first place it wouldn't be a struggle? Let go of the bad ones and move forward with the knowledge you learned from the others and find one that's a good fit for you. You'll be amazed how good -- and easy -- a good relationship is.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure



Edited 10/4/2005 3:33 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 2:37pm

Thank you to the two posters who took the time to provide such in-depth and though-out responses. First of all, the reason I am considering getting back together with him is that I've witnessed several changes in him that lead me to believe there is hope. We rushed our relationship the first time and I felt trapped. Now I live on my own and pay my own bills so there isn't any pressure. He has become very financially responsible, he even bought a house. He has a great job and is doing really well at it. He is pursuing an MBA, which he talked about for years but never took the steps to make it happen. I am 29 and he is 30, so we aren't really young. In the 7 months we were apart we both dated and were dismayed at the choices--me especially. Men can basically choose a girl of any age but women have it a little harder. Men my age are typically dating 22-23 year old girls. The guys I've gone out with seem to have way more issues than my ex. I realize that everyone has issues. Guys, regardless of educational and financial background, lack respect for women these days. A guy would ask me out and then call me at 10 pm and tell me to meet up with them at a nightclub or bar. I had one guy actually take me to dinner (but didn't offer to pick me up) and he actually expected sex afterwards. When I turned him down I never heard from him again. I've found myself much more stressed out then I was before. I moved to this town with my ex, who is from here, so I don't know many people. The people I know I don't know well, so it's been pretty hard adjusting. I don't have a strong support network and I work so much at my job that I don't have much motivation to "get out there" to build one. The older you get the harder it is to make that happen. Plus, I really don't like the party scene. I am not a drinker but I'm not religious either, so I feel uncomfortable at church events. I haven't seen the jealousy or possessivenous rear its head lately but I know he's on his best behavior because he wants to get back together. I would not move back in with him for a long time--until I had a ring on my finger if it came to that. The thing that worries me is of course his mother. The thought of having to speak to her makes my skin crawl. On his own he admitted that his mother caused us problems and she is way too involved and controlling. Everything hinges on how he handles the situation--if he would stand up for me to her.

To answer one of the poster's questions, my ex/bf is an only child. He was the product of an affair (another reason I don't like his mom ... she lied to her husband and said my ex was his son, then it was obvious that he wasn't so she told my ex his father abandoned them, then she stole some other woman's husband and married him, then sent my ex to military school to get rid of him, when he was home his stepfather abused him and she let him, then when he was 21 she told him about his real father). He has three stepbrothers (two whom he met when he was 21), a stepsister and two half sisters from his natural father. It's all very disfunctional. His stepfather died and left his mom and him nothing. His stepfather's two children inherited his millions. Another reason why he was financially irresponsible. He had everything handed to him because of his mother's guilt and then it was all taken away when his stepfather died. He didn't know how to adjust to the "normal" world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 11:14pm
Almost everything you said smacks of you settling for him because it's easier than sticking it out and waiting for what you really want. You deserve to have what you want, nothing less. It shouldn't matter that other guys were jerks, you don't know a lot of people or you don't like the party scene (that just means the guy that's right for you won't be found at a party anyway because he won't like that scene either!). I think you're selling yourself short and you're selling out. In choosing a partner, "good enough" is not good enough. Don't settle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 1:42am

The changes you see in your boyfriend sound very encouraging, very positive, and the fact that you're determined to leave the relationship if he doesn't handle his mother appropriately. I notice though that you stopped short of saying that he's said he deals with her differently now. From the mother aspect, I can't imagine how this is going to work. The thought of just talking to her makes your skin crawl, she's his mother and will be a part of his life forever -- yours too if you stay with him. If that's not enough, she's a bossy, pushy mother who's always done exactly what she wants in his life and his history is that he allows it. Chances are great that the dynamic of their relationship is set in stone and is not going to change. It won't change for you, I can almost guarantee. The only way that relationship will change is if and when he wants her to stop interfering in his life, whether you're in it or not. If he's trying to change his relationship with her for you, he's going to end up in the middle pulled by her on one end, you on the other. If he stands up to her and causes problems with his relationship with her for you, he'll end up resentful. However it goes, she'll be a part of this picture forever, and likely a loud, obnoxious part too. Good luck with that, I don't envy you.


Another aspect that raises some serious red flags is your boyfriend's childhood. You describe a very dysfunctional life, and recognize that enough to say that he didn't know how to adjust to the "normal" world. A dysfunctional childhood does not just go away, even if he's struggled through and seems "okay". He has issues and he has more issues that have yet to be seen or realized, unless he's worked through them in some serious therapy. Yes, we all have issues, but that doesn't mean all issues are created equally (or expressed equally) nor does it mean that we just resign ourselves to overlooking whatever issues a potential partner has because "we all have them".


I have to say that for the rest of your post, I agree with Pandabu. It sounds very much like you're settling because you haven't found anything better, don't like looking, so, oh well, I guess he's good enough. You gave a lot of reasons for settling on him, and every one of those reasons reads like an excuse not to aim higher, it sounds like your thinking is "not that great" is better than being alone. The saying goes, "When you settle for less than you want you end up with much less than you thought". When you settle for something that's mediocre that's what you'll get and that's what it'll be. Not great, not what you see in your mind when you think of the ideal partner for you, but "passable". There's a really great book that might be good for you to read, "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis I read it after I left my less-than-ideal marriage. I was determined not to make the mistake of choosing poorly again and wanted to do everything I could to assure that didn't happen. For the record, at that time I wasn't interested in a new relationship at all, but I wanted to learn and be prepared. Despite it's cheesy title, it is a great book, provided you do the exercises in it honestly and you answer the questions with dead honesty as well. Tweaking your answers to fit a current boyfriend would assure the end result is that he is the "perfect" guy for you, but it won't make that true.


I know I've said a lot of things that you don't really want to hear, and I don't expect that you'll listen, but I couldn't not give you the benefit of sharing the dangers I see. There are a lot of serious red flags in what you've said, none of which will lead to a happy, fulfilled relationship. You deserve better. Having been in a less-than-great marriage, I can say that I would never be willing to settle for anything less than what I want again. I'm worth having exactly what I want and you are too. When the relationship's right, it's good, easy, fun, happy, and very satisfying. That's what I wish for you. I hope you never settle for less than exactly what you want.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 11:10am
When I married my husband 10 years ago my parents hated him and so did my siblings. I married him anyway and proved to them that he was a decent guy and now they are all eating crow because of it. They had to swallow a lot of pride. The counselor I was seeing before we got married (re my parents divorce at the time) told me I needed to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and worry about what him and I think. We are the ones that need to be together and live with each other. In time his friends and hopefully his mom will accept you again. Hang in there. ((Hugs))
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 6:47pm
Everyone gave you good advice, showing both sides of the coin....I would only add, while you may not like his mother, UNLESS he is willing to deal with her, get out from under her rule (and controlling ways - read that grow up and deal with her) then don't expect this problem ever to go away.


Carrie