Am I manipulating him?
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| Mon, 10-03-2005 - 9:47pm |
Hello everyone, I have a problem that might break my 5 year relationship with my fiance.
Let me give you a little background so you can be impartial in your response and tell me the truth no matter how bad it is...
We've been together for 5 years, living together for 4. It's been a very rocky relationship since we are like night and day. Well he has never had much money, not even to buy a car. He is a homely man who prefers spending time playing with motorcycle rather than go out with friends. He rarely goes out with me at all!!!!
Well, in the very near future, he will inherit quite a large amount of money. His first thought is to buy a car...not just any car but a sports car. I truly understand and support him on that since I know his great love for these machines. However, he is now planning to go to those "sleazy" car shows where women practically throw themselves at men. You know...you've seen them on tv. When I asked him if I would ever go with him he said that there would be no way in hell I would ever accompany him to any of these shows. His next plan is to start a car club where these young men with hot cars will ride around the town, especially around the beach area. When I asked him if I would go with him he said no. His reasoning is that he couldn't be himself when I am around and why is he the only man that his g/f doesn't let him go out by himself.
Don't get me wrong, I do understand his point and I really don't want to be that type of woman that keeps their men prisoners, but why is he acting this way?
He's never cheated on me (or so I think) but I know that he was very playful in his days...if you know what I mean.
He also told me that he wouldn't go out every night, maybe just one or two nights a week. You see, if his hobby was like poker or watching Sunday night football, then I understand because those are healthy hobbies. But he wants to go out to these places where women are loose. I don't know if I should trust him or get packing.
I truly would appreciate any advice.

I think there are a lot of issues and possibilities so I think my answer is going to be pretty disjointed and scattered, I'll apologize for that now.
I don't see how you can be manipulating him when he's made it clear what he plans to do and has made it clear he'll do what he wants regardless of what you think.
My first thought on your relationship is why would you want to continue in a relationship that's been rocky for five years? That pretty much tells you that the relationship will continue to be the same -- troubled and rocky -- throughout. Do you prefer trouble and conflict? I'm not trying to be sarcastic, some people enjoy the turmoil. Do you want children? Would you want your children raised living in a rocky relationship?
The car shows I've seen on TV and those types of events I've seen in person have "spokes models" assigned to each vehicle, their job is to attract potential buyers and keep their interest, but I've never seen any that "throw themselves" at the guys. If they're throwing themselves at one guy, they're losing a whole lot of business in all the others who pass by while they're attention is on just one. I've seen a few car shows put on by car clubs, more the restored classics than sports car types (had a boyfriend who was into classic car restoration). The shows the clubs I've seen put on are very commonly attended by husband and wife, and it's apparent that many wives have built close friendships with other wives of car members, they use the shows as time to spend with their husbands in a casual, picnic type setting and to visit with friends. I also have a friend who's husband belonged to a foreign sports car club for years. They both attended car shows and club events frequently, and she reports the same, wives typically attend and get together while the guys "talk shop". Apparently, you're talking about a different kind of event, but I wonder, have you ever been? Has he? Is it possible that you both have ideas about these events that aren't true to life?
Quite honestly, for me, when you're talking about car shows, car club events and club cruises, I'd much rather send my guy off by himself to go to those things than have to go with him. And I am huge on having time by myself, but there's a difference between not going with him for whatever reason and not being allowed to go. Not being allowed suggests he'll be behaving in a manner that wouldn't be acceptable in a relationship, it suggests there's something he doesn't want you to see, in my opinion. And even if that's not the case, it's demeaning, says you're being controlled, dictated to, a lessor citizen and partner that you aren't allowed the same rights and privileges that he is. I am not saying our partners don't have the right to do some things on their own, go off and do things without us (and we them), but to have regular events that your partner is not allowed to attend? That's way too much, IMO. Since women make up 50% of the population, they're pretty much everywhere, so just having women around isn't a big deal to me, but if you're talking about a guy who's in a relationship that wants to hang out in a singles club twice a week, that kind of environment is different and yes, a guy in a committed relationship has no business hanging out there.
Why is he acting like this? I don't know. Maybe it's just fantasies talking, guy things he's had in his head for years and years and never really had a chance of getting. Now that it's possible, maybe he's just spewing what's been in his head. Is it possible that it's just all talk, that he'll never do any of it? From what you said, what he says he's going to do is a far cry from his personality. You indicate that you've known about his love for these cars for some time. Did you have any idea that he was interested in this aspect of the cars? How long has he known he's coming into this inheritance? If it's quite new, he may just be talking, but even if it is just talk, I think there's serious concern that this is how he really thinks. Is he okay with you doing the same kind of thing? Have you suggested that you'll go to these kinds of events (or suggest something similar that would appeal to women where men would be around a lot) without him? Is he okay with you hanging around a couple of nights a week in a similar environment? If he doesn't think that's acceptable, how can he justify him being there? Surely he doesn't think you should follow a different set of rules than he?
You can't tell him what he can and can't do, that's for sure, and even if you could, you shouldn't. Taking a look at what choices he'd make for himself, what he feels is appropriate and acceptable should tell you whether this is the kind of guy you want to continue with or not. You may have just found what is a dealbreaker for you. If these kinds of activities are not something you approve of, if being excluded -- forbidden -- is something you believe is wrong then you have some hard decisions ahead. Living with him in a situation you don't agree with, approve of or accept won't build much but bitterness and resentment. Beliefs and values need to be compatible and what he seems to be saying does not match up to your beliefs at all.
I think even without the car issue, you've got real reason to reconsider this relationship, five years of being rocky, personalities that aren't compatible (night and day) means it's not going to get better. I don't know about you, but conflict is not something I look for in a relationship.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
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Cl-2nd life,
Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for your advice. You opened my eyes to many things I didn't realize. And I am kind of relieved that you think the same as I do in other things. I was analyzing this more in depth and I noticed that he is a very "machista" man. He is also VERY old fashioned and I am pro, independent woman. The reason why we've had such rocky times is that he wants me to be and do the "women" things and I believe in women getting out of the kitchen and throwing away the brooms and getting master degrees. I guess this is how he was raised...I don't know.
I have such a stubborn head and I also refuse to be told what to do so I understand where he's coming from. I do not understand why he makes such a big deal if I tag along? His reasoning is that he doesn't want to be the "sissy" man who always has to be chaperoned by his girl (I see his point) but since he tells me I cannot go, this makes my blood boil. Now you see why we are having conflicts.
I came to the conclusion that I will give him his space and reclaim my own. Like you said, this is probably all talk because he's never actually done any of the things we used to fight about. Maybe if we spend more time apart he can realize what type of companion/partner I am and begin to appreciate me more....don't you think so?
Thank you so much for opening my eyes.
I'm glad I could help. Hopefully I won't change your opinion of me, but you asked what I think and that's what I'm going to tell you.....
You indicated that a lot of your conflicts come from his feeling that a woman has a "place" while you feel a woman should as educated, independent, capable and free as any man. Basically, he thinks of women in the "old school", traditional roles while you believe we're in the 2000's and this is the age of equality. Those beliefs of how men and women should conduct themselves are set in our core values and beliefs. They're not subject to change. He may accept your actions, but he'll not agree with them, he won't like them and he won't think they're right. Same as you, you may accept his belief that women have their "place", but you won't agree with it, won't like it and you won't ever think it's right. In having a relationship that's healthy and compatible, agreeing on the core values, morals and beliefs is extremely important as they are the base and foundation of your relationship. When you think of it that way, your foundation can't be strong if you're they don't form well together, and if your foundation isn't strong, how can you build a strong relationship? You asked if maybe time apart to do your own things might make him appreciate you more; honestly, I don't think so. I think you've set the pattern of five years of a rocky relationship, it's pretty clear that this is how it is and this is how it will be. I don't think anything's going to change it. I think if he were going to learn to appreciate you and change he'd have done that over four years ago. He's set in his beliefs, set in how he thinks and acts, it's not going to change any more than you're going to change and think that he's been right all along, moving to be that woman in the kitchen he thinks you should be. What you're seeing is what your relationship is.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"