Sour husband
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| Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:55pm |
Help!!! My husband is a sour puss. Judgemental, and self righteous. He is either hot or cold there is never no in between for him, our relationship is either excellent or horrible. One incident has him saying he's tired of all the sh**. Something as simple as a comment that was meant to give him information on the nights events.
Now he is full of attitude and the kids are concerned that things are going bad. He does this often. I wonder if its because he feels that his man hood is compromised because I make more money. I often think that he emotionally abuses me. He is the only one who is allowed to justify his actions when no justification is good enough for any one else. If he dont understand it.... attitude, if he dont like it ..... attitude.
What gives? I need some advise on how to deal with this man or understawnd him.

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Hi Morticia2005 ~ It sounds like he hasn't always been like this, is that right? When did you first notice the change? I assume it came on gradual, yes? Anything besides you bringing in more money that could be the cause here? Is there more pressure at his work? How is your relationship generally, happy, angry, non-existant or something in between? Give us a little more background and information to work with, that'll help us be able to give you answers that fit your situation.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I have noticed the change not to long after we moved into the house and added his children. Our children are different in every way. My 18 and 12 year old are honest, forth right and focused on goals and school. His girls are 14 and 17. We have had calls from the school regarding their lack of going, failing grades, they lie and smoke and drink. I feel like the issue is that my husband is jealous because I can trust my kids and so can he. But we cannot trust his girls.
It has been a gradual process and it usually get worse with each incident. Things were going well for a while then the 14 year old needed a pregancy test and a test for STD's because she is sexually loose. But hubby cant just open his mouth and say that there is a problem, he sweeps the lies under the carpet no punishment is dealt out and we find ourselves in the same boat, just a different month. He tends to be strict with my kids and leisurly with his.
He gets angry over one incident and the silence begins in week long spurts. I know now not to try to communicate with him, because when he is ready he will begin to talk to me as if nothing has happened. He takes out his frustrations on me and not the source. He is also very self righteous and can do no wrong, yet, a minor and honest mistake on my part will yeild me the silent treatment, until he's ready to talk again.
I am having a hard time with the hot cold thing, I've tried to talk to him about it but it meets with defensiveness and the silent treatment as if I have done something wrong by bringing an issue to light. If he hurts my feelings and I go silent, he refuses to allow me to do the same thing he does as a solution, I am to be as affectionate and loving as I would be when things are good to him. Even when he is angry he expects me to rub his body down so he can fall asleep. He is not really happy at work, I've gotten that bit of information by over hearing his conversations with a co-worker, he does not directly tell me these things. I work in a job that has me spending the night in another city 30 miles away about 2 or 3 times a week, he says he gets no sleep because there is no one to rub him down to relax him.
His mother died a year ago on the 12th of October, and she always doted on him because he was the differnt one or as the family says (the cute light skinned one). He shuts down on the whole family and I am left to hold it down, while he goes to the store for hours and just rides the motorcycle. I'm at my witts end, and I feel like I need to do something soon. I'm not sure how long the household should suffer when HE'S not happy. No one elses feelings get considered, except for the one child who causes the most problem. The rest of us just dont get it.
I hope that this is enough background to help you help me. I appreciate your response and offers of suggestions and help.
DJ
Ah sweetie, I'm so glad I asked you for more information, there's a lot there that needed to be understood, and I think a lot that you needed to get off your chest. You've been dealing with a lot and have had no place to put it. I'm betting those nights away from home feel pretty good, huh?
It's past midnight and I've got to go to bed as I have to go to work in the morning. If I tried to answer you tonight, it wouldn't be worth much. I won't be able to be back until tomorrow night after work, but I'm sure you'll have responses from others long before then. I just wanted you to know you've been heard and understood. I'm thinking about you and I'll be back. In the meantime, feel free to just keep on talking if you feel like you want to, it would be completely understandable.
Huge hugs, Morticia. Take a deep breath and take care of yourself.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
There's a lot to touch on and a lot to suggest, and some of what I'd say may change with having a better idea of how long this has been going on. Know too that I had no intention of getting to you this late, (see If I don't get to your post tonight..... ), as a result I may not be able to touch on everything I think is important to mention, and in truth, I might forget some of what I ought to be suggesting, so I'll probably have more to add tomorrow, and assuming you'll give me an idea of the time frame, I'll be able to offer better/different suggestions based on that info.
I don't know how long he's been like this, but I can tell you that experiencing a great depression around the anniversary of the death of a loved one is very common and it's not something that he could have seen coming or stopped. My father died several years ago and for the first several years (at least) I'd find myself in a depressed funk and have no idea why I felt that way until at some point (days into my funk) it dawned on me that my father had died around this same time. In talking to friends and others who have experienced the death of a loved one, I've found my experience is very common. It hits you like a ton of bricks yet you have no idea that's the cause. If he doesn't realize his depression (or part of it) is about his mother's death, suggesting that it could be will probably help him get out of it sooner. Meanwhile, as far as any depression that's been brought on by his mother's death goes, you'll need to cut him some slack and be as patient and understanding as you can be. I know, you're already at your breaking point, so you probably don't have a lot to give.
As far as the kid issues go -- yikes. Do his kids live with you primarily or their mother? I know that what I'm about to say doesn't mean much if you can't talk to him, but I'm saying it anyway. The kids need to be treated the same. No change in rules, or what's allowed. When/if you get to the point that you can talk to him, the two of you need to sit down and write out a list of rules that apply to ALL kids in the house, no exceptions. Differing rules let his kids get away with the stuff they're doing (which gives them permission to continue) and it disrespects your kids by sending them the message that their good behavior doesn't count for anything, that bad behavior gets more privilege than good and that his kids are favored as they get away with stuff your kids can't. I expect as their mother, this is an issue that has you up in arms too, I know it would me.
Pretending issues don't exist, sweeping them under the carpet or keeping silent until you're not upset about things anymore then going on as if no problem ever existed does nothing to resolve the problem. Not only are you not dealing with it, you're assuring that it will be a problem again because you've taken no steps to make sure it won't. And in stuffing your anger about problems, you're adding to your stress and high blood pressure, and you're destroying your relationship. Problems that aren't talked about don't go away, they're added to the growing pile of problems that are between you and until they're addressed one by one, they'll keep adding up until there are just too many for any relationship to withstand, then your relationship will be over. When you've got a million unresolved problems and you get upset, angry about something else in your relationship, you become angry at the whole pile of unresolved "crap", not just the problem at hand. Resolving problems is extremely important. It sounds like he sucks in his problems until he becomes a powder keg, ready to explode at any second, and it sounds like he's reached the powder keg level. It sounds like he's got plenty to feel pressure, anger, depressed, etc., about and probably feels overwhelmed at what to do about any of it. He probably feels like he's drowning because he's got so many issues surrounding him and none have been resolved. Add the anniversary of his mother's death and he's got way more than he can deal with, IMO.
You said he takes out his frustrations on you rather than the source, how does he do this? Can you give examples? I can imagine how angry you are, he has a double standard for how he treats the kids, takes everything out on you, punishes you for minor/honest mistakes with a week of the silent treatment yet still expects you to massage him nightly? Gimme a break, what are you, his whipping girl/personal slave?
Obviously things have to change, and just as obviously, nothing will unless he agrees to make some changes. That requires talking, something he isn't doing (has he ever been able to talk through problems?), at least not very well. I think before you go any further, you need to figure out what you're willing to do. What if you approach him and he refuses to do anything, refuses to make any changes or even refuses to discuss anything? What will you do? Will you continue along in the relationship? Will you tell him point blank that you're not able to continue like this and unless he's willing to make some moves to indicate change and improvement, you're not staying? Or something else? I think it's important to know what you're next move would be if he refuses to address the issues you bring to him, because, based on what you said, I think there's a pretty good chance that's just what he'll do, do you agree? The thing is, if you go to him and say "things have to change", he refuses to address it and you go away quietly as though the conversation never took place if/when you approach him again he won't take you seriously, you'll hurt your chances of ever resolving this. If you approach him, he refuses to address things and you tell him you aren't willing to continue if issues aren't addressed and things don't change, he knows exactly what choices he's making if he continues to refuse. I do caution you against making any threats that you aren't prepared to carry out. If you tell him you'll leave if he doesn't agree to discuss the issues and work on changes with you, you'd better be ready and willing to do just that. If you make the statement then don't follow through, again, he knows you're not believable, future threats won't be taken seriously. So, be sure what you're willing to do before you say the words.
And yes, I am suggesting that you talk to him. This may be impossible, and you may need to wait until a few weeks after his mother's anniversary death before you start. The best time to approach this is when there isn't a current issue, which, from what you describe, may not be possible. You'll have to pick what you feel is the best opportunity that you have. Maybe when things aren't sooo bad or there hasn't been a problem for a few days, even though he's still angry about whatever it was that happened last. I would start by telling him you have some problems/concerns you need his help with. That will bring him to the table in as open a frame of mind as you're going to get, telling him you're upset with him and need to talk will have him in defense mode, you need him ready to listen, not defend himself. Using "I" statements is important. "I'm deeply concerned about our relationship and if things don't change I won't be willing to stay." Kind of a harsh example, huh? Sorry, I put myself in your spot and that would be my opening line, it doesn't have to be yours! I would have a short list of issues to discuss, assuming he's willing to continue a conversation at all. If your talk continues, it's very important that you make certain it doesn't get side railed. A common tactic in putting the blame somewhere else (and getting the focus off yourself in the process) is to make statements or accusations or otherwise push hot buttons that you know will cause your partner to go into defense mode. So, you're talking about his refusal to discuss problems and he jumps in, accusing your kids of doing something. You jump to their defense and off you go, on an argument about the kids, miles away from the subject you were supposed to talk about. Keep in mind what your subject is and if he makes a statement or accusation say, "We're talking about xxx right now, we can talk about your issue another time." but don't let him get you off subject. I would tell him you're concerned about what's happening, the amount of time that it's been continuing, the destruction to your relationship, and, assuming he agrees or at least listens to what you have to say, I'd let him know the entire house is walking on eggshells while he exudes anger and this cannot continue. I'd also tell him no longer will you allow him to take out his anger on you and no longer will you be at his beck and call to soothe him nightly until things are more on an even level. Assuming he's listening and participating in a conversation with you, I'd keep the list of problems short (too many are overwhelming and you've got a ton) make some agreements on how you'll begin to handle things and make an agreement to talk again the following day (set a time so you can make sure it happens -- better still let him set the time so he has no excuse not to be ready for it). Seeing a marriage counselor would have to be part of the agreement, IMO, you need some major changes, have a lot of issues in the mix and need professional help to get through it all. I would also insist on working with a therapist who's licensed in family therapy to help you deal with the daughter, and all the other kids as well. You might even be able to find a therapist who's licensed for both couples and families, which would be great -- one stop shopping. I would start these changes by being more respectful to yourself. No longer accept being his whipping girl when he's angry at something else. Stop him cold mid-attack by putting your hand up and saying, "Stop. I've done nothing to deserve this attack and I'm not allowing it." then walk away, refuse to engage in an argument or discussion about it. If he gives you the silent treatment, call him on it. If he asks for a massage, ask him what kind, caring act he's done for you that would give you reason to want to treat him this way. Don't be a doormat and don't be a quiet mouse. Call it like it is and don't let him off the hook. I think you'll feel better about yourself when you do and I think he'll be forced to take a look at his behavior and the issues when you put them right in his face, whether he wants to or not. To be perfectly honest, if it were me, it would almost certainly not be the calm, quiet conversation it should be. I would be giving this guy both barrels, loud and long. But that's not the best way to deal with it, you can talk straight and to the point without tearing him apart. I should also ask, as it is very important, are you at all concerned that he would physically hurt you? If you are, that would change everything. Please let me know, okay? There are some articles in our Information and Resources section that are very good and will help you to talk to him in a way that will give you the best chance for good results:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You LoveTen Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember I know you said he's not happy with his job, and that's another thing that upsets him, but it is not an excuse for what he's doing or how he's handling things. It's way past time for him to get a grip and start dealing with these things in a way that will take care of them instead of just taking them out on everyone. Let me know what you think, the answers to my questions and most importantly, how you're doing.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I don't know of any online counseling resources. If you run an internet search you'll find a zillion, but frankly, I don't know of any ethical, professional therapist who would attempt to work with clients online ... hint, hint.... Face to face, real time is the way to deal with your issues. Too much is lost in writing, you can't read facial expression or tone, body language or emotion, and much of therapy is reading what the client's reaction. From the client's point of view, you don't see your therapist, you have no idea if they're a crazy man or woman who can present fairly stable and sane online, if they're totally bogus or anything. You also don't get the close, trusting feel you get from a "real time" therapist.
There are some articles on finding a therapist that you might find helpful, but I really hope you won't attempt an online therapist, the quality of help will be much less than second rate.
REFERRALS FOR A QUALIFIED THERAPIST
YOUR THERAPIST/COUNSELOR'S CREDENTIALS
Read "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships", by Harriet Goldhar Lerner. . It's very good, easy to read, makes good sense (and is highly recommended by therapists), it might help you some in dealing with your husband.
I really hope you see some changes soon, and I have a feeling any change that happens will have to be instigated by you.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You are so correct regarding the changes, they will have to be made me. Unfortunately last night was probably the straw that broke the camels back for me and I think I should just prepare to leave. He instructed his girls not to do anything that I ask, and therefore they did. So all of the chores that were theirs, I did. I am just no longer in the mode of trying to repair this with no effort from him and now his daughters who have been a main source of discontent in our home since we all attempted to belnd.
My conclusion is my husband is childish and selfish and concerned only about his self, his wants and his needs. It is time for me to throw in the towel and move on, and spare my own children any further stress and confusion.
I do appreciate all of your help, I did speak with him on the issues you brought to light in a non confronting manner. Unfortunately, he cant see himself in any fault nor is he willing to do anyhting to fix it because according to him, he is not the one who needs to change. So I am at the point of saying, good luck to the next sucker he gets with.
Thanks again. I do look forward to hearing your reply to my new found situation. I doubt that there is any thing that will salvage this relationship at this point. If you find some miracle cure let me know, but I am done at this point.
Morticia
It does seem like there's something going on with him, even if it's simply that he doesn't handle the stress of his daughter's being out of control well and it's snowballing on him. Since it seems most likely that's something's behind this change it may be a temporary condition. However, even if it is temporary, unless he learns to deal with things differently, it's likely to happen again, and who wants to face that prospect? Also, it's only temporary if he chooses to stop behaving that way and change what he's doing, and there is absolutely no guarantee -- or indication -- that this will happen. It's also not healthy for you or your kids to live in that kind of environment.
If you've had it, you've had it and I don't blame you a bit for moving out. In fact, I think it's better than staying if he's continuing to insist he has no problem and isn't interested in doing anything differently about things. No change means the situation will continue as it is. I'm sorry it's come to this, but based on his actions and his words, I think you're doing the right thing. He may wake up in a month or two and come crying back, it'll be up to you at that point to consider going back and trying again or not. If you were to try, I would urge you to refuse to consider moving back in until you'd seen a marriage counselor AND a family counselor to address the kid issues. I wouldn't move in until we'd made incredibly huge progress in therapy and I was certain that things were going to be fine. I'm talking more than six months of therapy here. What you don't need is to move back too soon to a repeat of the hell you're living now. But for now, I wouldn't count on anything other than you and your kids moving out of hell and into a peaceful sane environment and staying there. I think leaving says you have a good, strong sense of yourself and your self worth.
How will he sleep without you to massage him? ;>)Sarcasm aside, I am truly sorry and hope you'll let us know how it goes. Good luck Morticia, I think you're going to be just fine.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
cl-2nd life, I thank you for responding to my numerous messages and i thank you for your concern. I have been confused, anxious and the whole gamut of emotions. So are you sitting down? Something has changed and Im again not sure what, but its part of the rollercoaster hot and cold.
I would like you to tell me what you think, since you are sooooo versed in situations. Today my husband is hot, his loving, caring concerned self, with an additional hitch, he's been very conversive. Talked openly about how he was feeling, and this is what I gleaned from this conversation today. He is concerned for his father who has been making statements about dying on Wednesday (the one year anniversary of his mothers death). He is also concerned about his girls who he is very dissappointed in. Hand in hand with he is jealous of my kids because they cause us no problems and appear to be having problems with the problems his children bring to the household.
He is a clean freak, I've known this since I met him. He has brought me to a cleaner part of my life and that is a positive for what he has brought to this relationship. He is also what the world now classifies as a metrosexual with the fear of bees and mice. HA HA HA, I know that is probably unappropriate to do (laugh) but if you could see him and a bee in the same space or him in the garage having seen the mouse is definately comic relief to our house.
I have been praying over the situation and and waiting to see what progresses over the next two weeks. If he is going to be his usual self he will go cold within that time. But he is verbally saying that he is not going to make any changes, but he is actually making changes, however small they are changes none the less. I also should mention how he went to my sons football game today, video recorded it and praised him for his performance after the game. We all had a shocked and stunned look on our faces. He has never treated them poorly with the exception of the mood swings we all endure. He said that he was embracing and praising the children who are proving themselves to be responsible and worthy of praise in hopes that the others will want praise for positive actions and therefore bring some positive actions to the table.
What are your thoughts, I respect your knowledge and your opinion because they have given me so much comfort in this time of ups and downs. I look forward to hearing from you again.
Morticia
Just need to clarify a few things, Morticia.
If you're saying nothing, just listening and watching to see what happens and how long it lasts, while I can understand how tempting it would be to do just that, I think it would be a mistake. If he's open and sharing, it's time to let him know (calmly and gently) that these issues have been a major problem and that the need for professional help (therapy) is great. You've got to strike while the iron's hot, you know? Otherwise you're allowing it to fade away by your silence and once it's gone, the opportunity for real change goes with it.
Let me know, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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