PTSD or out of love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
PTSD or out of love?
8
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:29pm
I have been with my fiance' for 4+ years and I asked her to marry me Aug. 18th, she was very happy and said yes without hesitation. We have had an amazing relationship, very supportive, loyal, loving, and are best friends. We had a great time that weekend and the next couple of weeks. She has been diagnosed with PTSD from being in tower 2 of the world trade on 9/11. She has been on antidepressants and 2 months ago has changed medication from paxil to effexor. She says now that she feels like she has fallen out of love with and she doesn't know why she is not happy with herself. She doesn't like florida, but we just bought a new home together, she started her best job ever as well. She has never liked florida and would like one day to go back to new york, which we both have agreed to do in a couple of years as one of our goals. 2 and a half weeks after saying yes, she dropped this bomb on me the she is not in love with me anymore and needs to find what will make her happy, she is confused and feels like something has changed inside of her, but doesn't know what. She just packed her things and decided that she needs to move to California because has been a dream of hers and believes this will make her happy. She has left me, our new home, and new job behind and moved in with a lady she knows a little over a year who is 40yrs. old and married with her own family with 2 kids' 9 and 11. She will work for her or her friends sister. She went to her therapist for me and came out specifically told me she is not depressed or crazy and says this is something I need to do. I told her if this is what you think you need to do then go. I will not force her to love me, but I don't think she just fell out of love with me in a month and said yes to marrying me and then leave everything she has ever worked for. I spoke to her therapist and he said these actions are out of left field and there has never been a negative comment about me. He feels like this has a lot of ptsd symptoms. When she left we both cried and hugged and there is no anger there, I told her that the door is open and if she feels she has made a mistake to just come home or call b/c I am her family and I love her.
She has been gone since saturday and I will not contact her, I believe she just needs this space and hopefully something will click and realize she has made a mistake. I am moving on slowly, but hoping for the best with us. Need advice???? I love this woman very much and we have been through a lot together since we met and also when we were both living in new york 9/11. We are both 30 yrs. old.
Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:16pm
I would give her time to think things through. If its meant to be she'll be back. If not, she just did you a favor by leaving before you were married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 12:40am

Hi Laszlog, welcome back. I'm sorry to hear that your situation is worse instead of better.


Laszlog's previous post can be found here: cold feet or depression?


I know you already know this, but at this point there really isn't a lot you can do but ride it out and see what happens. As frustrating and helpless as it feels, there's nothing you can do about it, you can't change her, can't force her, all you can do is wait and see what she decides to do. I would strongly suggest you pick up some activities and/or grab some friends to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied and off the subject that I know you're focusing on night and day. Not only is the intense focus I'm sure you're dealing with right now emotionally exhausting, it's not helpful to resolving your problem. I know that staying busy won't make you forget, and I know doing other things probably isn't what you want to do and won't be fun at first either, but in doing it it'll get easier and more fun, and you'll be doing passive thinking on the issue all the while, which will help you feel better about the situation faster and much less painfully. As cold as this will sound, it will also put you ahead of the game if she decides not to resume your relationship.


I'm glad you were able to talk to her therapist, it sounds like he feels it's PTSD caused. Did he offer any suggestions for you on dealing with her, or dealing with what it's done to you? Are you close to her family? If you haven't already, I would seriously consider contacting her family and voice your concerns to them. That may help you stay tied into what she's doing and you may be able to provide them with information they weren't aware of, allowing them to help her more. If you haven't, I'd also suggest posting on the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder board. They may be able to offer you some very valuable suggestions and insights.


I'm sorry that all this is happening. Keep us informed on any progress or change, and feel free to come back and vent any time you want/need, we'll be here.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together



Edited 10/5/2005 4:31 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 2:01pm
Thank you for the support and the response. She moved out on Oct. 1 and I haven't heard from her at all. Is it possible for to just forget everything and completely not think of me. Is it possible to fall out of love with me and not want to communicate with me. It feels like something has kidnapped her mind and took her away. We've had an amazing relationship and all of a sudden all of these irrational moves. She hasn't even called her best friends in a week either. I am doing alright and trying to stay active and positive with everything and reminding myself things happen for a reason, either this is something she needed to do find out if California is what she needs and realize that our relationship is more important and now our relationship could flourish and never look back or is it that this maybe for now isn't meant to be. I just don't know. She's always wanted to get married and have kids' and never hesitated when she said yes to marrying me. Either way things happen for a reason, but I would like to get some perspective on if she is even thinking of me, but just trying to take her space and time to think things out like this. Hopefully she is just just trying to figure it out and see if the grass is greener on the other side. I hope that she comes home and let's our relationship flourish from this experience one day soon. I haven't and will not communicate with her, and will not be accessible to her even if she did try to communicate with her, so maybe she can realize if she wants to move on with her life with or without me. Any thoughts? I guess if you love them, you let them go and if they love you they will come home!!! Hoping and praying for the best. I miss my friend, sould mate, and love!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:27am

Laszlog, if her therapist telling you her actions were symptomatic of PTSD wasn't enough to let you know this isn't really about you, it seems to me that if she hasn't been in contact with her friends since she left, that's a pretty big indicator that this isn't about you -- it's about her. I know that doesn't make it any easier, it might just make it harder. It certainly sounds like she's not herself at all, she's made some very drastic changes. Like you've already said, there's not much you can do but keep yourself busy and keep on going. What did they tell you on the PTSD board?


I know that you said you wouldn't accept contact from her, but I wonder if that's wise? What I'm thinking is if she's having a PTSD episode, she may "crash" and reach out for help. I can certainly see you not wanting to be available to enable her to play a "I don't want to be with you but I don't want to be without you either" game, that kind of trauma you don't need. I suppose she would reach out to her friends as well? What about her family, are you close to them? What do they think about what she's doing? Are they supportive of you? Are they in contact with her? Do you have any contact with this woman she's living with in California?


I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I think though, that it isn't about you, even though it's hurting you tremendously and has affected your life entirely, it wasn't you she was leaving, not really. That's not much comfort though, I'm sure







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 11:32am

Thank you for the response. I am close to the family, but have not communicated with them lately and probably will not call them for a while. Her sister is 5 yrs. older and has complete opposite goals, no marriage or kids, and her mom is negative towards her father and there marriage because she has been miserable for years. Her mom supports her and whatever she does, but they don't speak more than once every couple of weeks or so and she doesn't really understand ptsd or depression either. She does not like her father that much either. There are negatives with marriage in her life with her own family and that may be a cause of some of this anxiety and rash decisions. Noone knows her as well as I do and her best friend who she hasn't talked to her in 10 days as well. I don't know the woman or family that well that she moved in with that well. We've hung out a couple of times in L.A. and my fiance thinks they live such a great life and just has always wanted to live in California. She sees this woman who is 40 married with kids and the cool things that they do and is somewhat envious, but they are in a different stage of their lives then where we are. We are just coming into our own with money, work, house, these have been are goals and what both have wanted to do and we are finally doing it.

What I think about what she is doing is irrational and irresponsible, but I am supportive in knowing that if she really does not love me or does not want to be with me, then she must do what she wants to do and can't force her to be with me. I told her that if this is something she needs to do, then you have to do it. I also told her how much I love her and want to marry her and that if she thinks she is making a mistake to put the ring back on her finger and come home to me b/c I am your family and love you very much. I don't agree with what is going on, I don't believe after she said yes to marrying me the way she did and the history and the support, loyalty, friendship and love we have for each other could have just vanished and fallen out of love with me that quickly(21/2 weeks after getting engaged) after 4 1/2 years. If she had any doubts before hand she would never had said yes the way she did. She has always wanted to get married and have kids.
I know she didn't like Florida much at all b/c of not having too many friends and family here, but the opportunity I have with work is great, so we agreed to give it a good year or so and if we weren't where we wanted to be, then we would move back to New York. So now she's moved to California where she knows' this family not soo well, and has no family, and is even further away from her close friends just because living in California is some place she thinks is cool and has dreamed of living before. I told her the place doesn't make the person and the person makes the place. It's your choice to be happy and be happy where you are, but you have to be happy with yourself and who you are within. She is a grown woman and knows she can make her own decisions and I respect her very much, but all of this is hard to believe. I don't know if she will try to communicate with me any time soon. I hope she does, but if she does try to, she has to realize what she is doing and that there are consequences to her decisions and hopefully she would like to come home one day soon. She has to do what she wants and hopefully realize that I am what she wants. I love her very much and miss her tremendously, I know there is nothing I can do and slowly I am understanding it doesn't make sense to try and change something that I am powerless over. I have faith in her and our relationship, I have hope that we can reconcile b/c we have no negative feelings or anger towards each other. I do not resent her for what she is doing. If it is meant to be, then it is meant to be at this point. I just pray for her to be healthy and happy and to come home to me. I know that she has to look within herself to realize what is happiness and that it is not one place. I will not call her or contact her b/c she is the one that has gone to this extreme to get away from me, so she will have to contact me. I am not playing games with her, but I cannot and will not force myself on her b/c that will just push her away. If you love them, you let them go; if they love you, then they will come back!! That is the Faith I have and I will not give up on us and will be there for her if she wants me to be or needs me to be.

The question I ask is this really ptsd, depression, (a combination of too much on her plate at one time and not knowing how to deal with it) or does she really not love me and want to marry me. I know she loves me without any doubts and that is not a question, and that is the same thing the therapist said after he saw her 2 days before she left. I just hope this is something she needs to do and realizes that we are meant for each other and she comes back and lets our relationship flourish with new communication lines opened up. I hope her ego doesn't get in the way and doesn't come back because of feeling embarrassed. Things happen for a reason and hopefully soon I will find out why this is happening, but either way it will work out one way or another! I also wonder if I am on her mind at all while she has been gone or is it that she is soo happy to be away that she has already forgotten about me and that is why she hasn't try to contact me, very hard to believe, but makes me wonder. I hope she misses me. After all this time, is it possible to just forget me like this?

Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 1:35pm

Oh laszlog,
I see that you are a mess, I don't know of any guy who would take the time to write a post that long. Aren't relationships just the craziest thing?

I can tell you I am probably more of the type of person as your girlfriend. I haven't been in a trauma like 9/11 and I haven't even been in therapy long enough to be diagnosed but all my symptoms seem like PTSD.
Trauma does some crazy things to you. It doesn't mean you're crazy or depressed because I have lived with the fear of going crazy (my mother is a manic depressive schizophrenic & depression runs rampant in my family along with mental illness). She's not crazy I assure you but she obviously has issues that she is having to deal with. When you're going through dealing with the effects of trauma you don't feel like anyone in the world understands. I have run my entire life to new places (even California!), situations to try and find the peace I longed for. I have become accustomed to shutting everyone out when I am dealing with a major issue. I have always been an extremely social person but since one major trauma in my life I deal with things by isolating myself and if there happens to be a relationship I am in I usually end up sabotaging it because of my unhappiness.
You need to give her her space. I am sure when she is ready she will contact you but I don't think you should shut her out if she does. She is very confused and the trauma has affected her in a way you may never understand. It affects her ability to have relationships with people or be able to relate to people in the same way that she used to. It may not mean she doesn't love you but you may have to prepare yourself if she doesn't come back. I don't know what she's thinking, how she's feeling or anything but I know her behavior well and I know too that sometimes it is a reaction of self-preservation as strange as this sounds, I think there are a lot of fears she has. What they are I don't know, maybe she's afraid of starting a life with you and having children and wondering if anything will ever happen to anyone she loves and can't deal with thinking about that. Sometimes retraction is easier than the thought of possible loss.

I will tell you this too and I don't know if this is the case. I have often got involved in relationships to a point where I may have acted and said things I wasn't sure if I really felt because I longed for intimacy and safety with someone. Since you were together before it happened I'm sure that your relationship did not begin on these terms. But in finally pulling away from someone that I cared about but felt I could not give myself to and probably even hurt because they fell in love with me, I released them from a relationship that would not have been good for either of us. Like I said I don't know anything about her feelings whatsoever so this may not be the case but I know that if she felt the need to leave you HAVE to let her go. She may or may not contact you but if she does don't shut her out. If she doesn't you may wait days, weeks, months or years holding onto something that may never happen and you may lose precious time in possibly finding someone else you might even find yourself being happier with. Just the other day I found out through the grapevine about a man I dated. He loved me very very much, wanted to marry me and who I stayed in a relationship with for a while and eventually left because it just did not feel right. He was a good man, was my friend for a very long time and wanted to spend his life with me. He's not the only one from my past that had fallen in love with me and who I stayed with even though something was amiss. I had been afraid that I have really hurt these people, but I found out the other day that he had gotten married and just had a new baby and I was so happy to know that he was happy and with someone who wanted to spend the rest of their life with him. By letting him go I was hurt to even hurt him but he eventually found what he was looking for. I will leave you with something my mom used to tell me all the time before she was really sick that I has always stuck with me:

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours to keep. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be.

Best wishes to you and I hope you find some solace in your pain....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:15pm

Thank you for your response. I don't know what she is thinking, not even her friends know what she is doing. One thing I do know is that I love her very much and with everything we've been through and worked soo hard for cannot just be thrown away like this. I love her and will support and have strong faith that we are meant to be together. I don't know what it is, but my gut feeling about this woman is soo strong. I know she loves me very much as well, but maybe this needed to happen for some strange reason for our relationship to flourish. When she left soo emotional and leaving not knowing that she is making the right decision, and also by not being adamant about giving me the ring back, and crying together the way we did before she left, it is hard to understand, but I won't give up on her. I am moving on with my life and trying to let go and stay busy and everything, and deep down in my gut, I think we will get back together and give ourselves a second chance. I know her better than anyone. The one thing she always wanted was to marry me, and the one thing I will go back to is the way she said "yes" and the amazing weekend we had on our engagement. I don't think 21/2 weeks later you can just shut it down, I think she is overwhelmed with many things right now in her life and wasn't prepared for the ring and she might think the grass is greener on the other side and maybe this is what she needs to realize how strong our bond is. Once the fog settles and she hopefully starts to see clearly then maybe she will realize. I am taking care of myself mentally and physically, I am not obsessive, just in pain. This woman is my best friend, soul mate, and lover. Thank you for that quote, I do believe that as well. One thing is, it is easier to come back then it is to leave!!!
She has to find herself and be happy within herself before she can be happy with anyone else and I understand that more than anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 2:46am

I was hoping her family would be intelligent, supportive people, but from what you've said, I have to agree that not much but added frustration will come from being in contact with her family. I'd envisioned a family that was in contact and concerned about their daughter's recent and abrupt change. You do have her best friend and it sounds like she's concerned and in contact with you, that's a good thing. It sounds like maybe she's as inclined to reach out to her friend as her family anyway.


I can totally understand your feeling that what she's doing is irrational and irresponsible and I completely understand your incredible pain and confusion. It's hard to think that this could be PTSD when you're looking at her, listening to her words and it's her. I mean, when it's her talking, explaining what she's doing, it's hard to get your head around the possibility that she's not herself -- she sounds so sure and adamant, right? You ask if it's possible that she could suddenly no longer love you and have forgotten all about you. I'm no expert, but I'm certain there are emotional disorders that allow people to do just that. Antisocial and Narcissistic personalities come to mind right off the bat. Whether those people ever truly love anyone else in the first place is another question, but I don't think either of those conditions matches your fiance, and I think if she had one of these types of disorders, you'd have seen some pretty significant signs of deep issues before this. I also think that you have to consider strongly what her therapist said. He did not indicate that this was a relationship issue, what he indicated was that she was exhibiting symptoms that were very indicative of PTSD. He wouldn't have said that if he didn't think it were so. How much do you know about PTSD? Have you studied up on it? What did they tell you on the PTSD board? Did they offer you any suggestions on dealing with this, what to expect or how to help her if the occasion arose? Those are the people who really understand the issue, the board members either suffer from PTSD or are close with someone who does. They're the ones who will be best able to offer you solid advice and information on it. My only experience with PTSD was a close friend who, was triggered with an episode after a serious argument with a family member. I spent most of a week off work, staying with her at home while her husband was at work per her therapist's instructions that she was not to be left alone due to the very real possibility of suicide. During that time she was withdrawn, quit, fragile and slept a lot, but PTSD does not affect all people the same way, and I'm sure it varies from episode to episode as well. The members of the PTSD board will be able to recognize the description of an episode and will be able to explain what an episode feels like.


My feeling is that this is one of those times when while what's happening affects you very much, it's not about you at all. I think educating yourself on PTSD (as much as you can or as much as you're willing to at this point) and doing what you can to stay busy (occupy your time and your mind) is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know it's not easy.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"