Not to sure about anything anymore
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Not to sure about anything anymore
| Thu, 10-06-2005 - 1:49pm |
I am new here but after reading some helpful posts, I thought here would be a great place for advice.
I have been married to my high school sweetheart and best friend for 11 yrs. We got married when I was 19 and he was 21. A year later we had our first child who has grown up to be a poster perfect child. Fifteen months later our second child came and has given us a challenge from the very beginning. A wonderful child as well but with many behavioral problems which is always reminding us how life will never be easy. I stay at home and run a daycare, he works at a company where they think he is the smartest thing to walk into the company.
We seperated once for 2 yrs because he could not handle our second child and could not handle me and my depression. I seeked helped for both myself and our child and eventually my husband and I got back together.
My job limits my interaction with the outside world and I have found myself with no friends and no life beyond my house and family. My husband has come to rely (not expect, although sometimes I think it is this too) on me being here and running the house and children no matter what.
Lately I have questioned whether or not he is cheating on me, but to be honest I believe it to be my own insecurities. He seems to be obsessive in ideas he gets and we are going through that currently. He has decided he wants to look better (nothing wrong with that). I have taken him shopping for clothes and we have both started working out. He looks great and feels great. He has started working late for the last two months and it has been hard on me and the kids. I find myself resenting the fact that it is assumed I will take care of them. I know that sounds awful as they are my children too, but I would love a break. But then I start to feel guilty because if it is true that he has to work all these extra hours, then really, he isn't getting a break either. When I absolutely need him home he will be here (never without making me know that it means he is losing time at work for his project) but if it's not a necessity, then he's at work until at least 7:30 every night.
Our sex life is great, but it feels like that is all he has time for with me.
We do not have financial issues, but I get increasingly frustrated when 3-4 times a week he is going out for lunch even when I send him with a lunch (nice that he has time to go out for lunch but has no time to come home on time for dinner because of all his work, did I mention he never gets to work before 9:30 because he's not a "morning person"). His lunches each time cost between $15-$20.00!!?? Can that really be for one person? Does a Subway sandwhich and drink really come to $15.00??!!
I have flat out asked him if he is cheating, interested in someone else, ANYTHING!!! and he assures me he is not. Why can't I believe him?
I am not even sure what I am asking. I just don't feel happy. I love him but hate him at the same time. I feel so resentful lately.
Any support would be great. My apologies for it being so long.
I have been married to my high school sweetheart and best friend for 11 yrs. We got married when I was 19 and he was 21. A year later we had our first child who has grown up to be a poster perfect child. Fifteen months later our second child came and has given us a challenge from the very beginning. A wonderful child as well but with many behavioral problems which is always reminding us how life will never be easy. I stay at home and run a daycare, he works at a company where they think he is the smartest thing to walk into the company.
We seperated once for 2 yrs because he could not handle our second child and could not handle me and my depression. I seeked helped for both myself and our child and eventually my husband and I got back together.
My job limits my interaction with the outside world and I have found myself with no friends and no life beyond my house and family. My husband has come to rely (not expect, although sometimes I think it is this too) on me being here and running the house and children no matter what.
Lately I have questioned whether or not he is cheating on me, but to be honest I believe it to be my own insecurities. He seems to be obsessive in ideas he gets and we are going through that currently. He has decided he wants to look better (nothing wrong with that). I have taken him shopping for clothes and we have both started working out. He looks great and feels great. He has started working late for the last two months and it has been hard on me and the kids. I find myself resenting the fact that it is assumed I will take care of them. I know that sounds awful as they are my children too, but I would love a break. But then I start to feel guilty because if it is true that he has to work all these extra hours, then really, he isn't getting a break either. When I absolutely need him home he will be here (never without making me know that it means he is losing time at work for his project) but if it's not a necessity, then he's at work until at least 7:30 every night.
Our sex life is great, but it feels like that is all he has time for with me.
We do not have financial issues, but I get increasingly frustrated when 3-4 times a week he is going out for lunch even when I send him with a lunch (nice that he has time to go out for lunch but has no time to come home on time for dinner because of all his work, did I mention he never gets to work before 9:30 because he's not a "morning person"). His lunches each time cost between $15-$20.00!!?? Can that really be for one person? Does a Subway sandwhich and drink really come to $15.00??!!
I have flat out asked him if he is cheating, interested in someone else, ANYTHING!!! and he assures me he is not. Why can't I believe him?
I am not even sure what I am asking. I just don't feel happy. I love him but hate him at the same time. I feel so resentful lately.
Any support would be great. My apologies for it being so long.

Your post isn't too long and you don't sound awful. You said, "My husband has come to rely (not expect, although sometimes I think it is this too) on me being here and running the house and children no matter what." I agree with you. Your husband has become settled and used to the arrangement; he assumes it will always be as it is. It's easy to become used to how things are and assume or expect that it will continue, especially when the way things are is in our favor. He's happy with the way it is, it's easy for him, he doesn't see a need for change. If that sounds like I'm putting him down or thinking of him harshly, I'm not. I think it's pretty easy to fall into.
"I find myself resenting the fact that it is assumed I will take care of them. I know that sounds awful as they are my children too, but I would love a break." I don't blame you for resenting the fact that it's assumed you'll take care of them. I think you're resentful (and you have every right to be) because what you want is a partnership, each of you takes care and responsibility for the kids, where each of you are considered and each of your needs are met. That's not happening. He has freedom to choose what he does and you stay home and take care of the kids. Yes, he's working, but you know what? He chooses when and how long he works, which leaves you with no choice and no say, stepping up to take care of the home front. You aren't given choices, your hours are based on what he chooses to do. No choice, no control. Frustrating and demeaning to say the least. Again, there's no sense of partnership. You say they're your children too, well I say it's obvious that they're your children -- you're their caregiver, what needs to be said (and realized) is that they're his children too. You say, "I know that sounds awful as they are my children too, but I would love a break." No kidding! That hardly makes you a bad mother. Being a stay-at-home mom (never mind running a daycare) means you never get to count on breaks or a lunch hour, you constantly have your thoughts interrupted (never get to finish a thought, let alone an action), you constantly have to bring your subject matter and your conversation down to a child's level. Even when kids are quiet (say naptime or at home with your own kids in the evening) you never get to shut down, you're always "on"; at least one ear listening for sounds of kid noises, always thinking about what needs to be done next; even when they're in bed you're still "at work", you don't get the luxury of walking out the door at 5 p.m. and leaving it all behind you. It's exhausting, it's frustrating and you crave adult conversation. I've been a stay-at-home-mom, can you tell? :) So while he may be at work, he has some choice and his work offers him a change of scenery, change of thought process. He doesn't stay at his job 24 hours a day. He doesn't sleep there. You do. He has no idea what a luxury it is to get to go to work have breaks and lunches, talk to adults, think full thoughts and make choices and decisions. He gets a break and a change of scenery every day. Home and work and back again.
I think what you resent is that what you want is a partnership and it doesn't feel like you have one. In a partnership you'd be considered, your time would be valued and you'd be equal parts of the unit. He may be working too, but he makes choices that affect you and he doesn't ask or consider your wants and needs (or the kids either) in his decisions. He may work until 7, but he chooses not to go to work until 9 because he's not a morning person. You don't get that option or luxury, and part of the reason you don't is because he does. His choice to sleep in and work late affects you on both ends. You're on your own to get kids going in the morning and you're on your own in the evening (when you're beat) to take care of things too. It's a lot. His choices mean much longer hours for you -- and you don't get a choice. That's not partnership, equality, consideration, respect, you name it. Resentful? I'd think so. You have every right to feel the way you do. You have a tough job, much harder than going out to work. Just because this culture doesn't respect it or see it for the hard work it is doesn't mean it's not.
Yeah, you getting a break is important. Breaks on a regular basis are important. Adult contact and interaction is important. Without breaks (real breaks, no kids, no laundry or other chores to think about) you burn out. You can't be on 24/7 forever, and as long as you're home taking care of the kids, you're on, even in your sleep. Down time and breaks makes you a better mother, not a worse one. It makes you a better (and happier) wife and general human being too. Your husband has forgotten that you two are a team, he's forgotten that he's a parent too and that he need to be a parent. He needs to discuss, ask, and plan with you, not make choices then inform you of them. The two of you are working toward a common good, a common goal. You both have important jobs and it's important and necessary for you to support each other in them. That doesn't mean he has the tough job so you slave 24/7 at home. He needs a good dose of being home with the kids, fully responsible for a good amount of time. And he needs to continue to be an active parent. The two of you need to discuss how to best work your family. Too bad that he's not a morning person, but gee, you really could use some help with the kids in the evening and you could really use a break. How about he changes his hours so he can be home to take on his second job (parent). My ex used to think when he got off work it was time to relax while I got dinner, bathed the kids, did the dishes, laundry, etc. I informed him that he was not off duty when he came home, he had simply changed jobs, now he had the job of being a parent, and it required his work. You have a job during the day too, and at the end of that work day, you are a co-parent. Yes, give and take come into play, but I don't think you're getting much take.
I think you're not happy because you feel that you aren't considered, don't have a say in what happens, you don't get to make choices, you take care of things after the choices are made for you. Resentful? Yeah, I think that's appropriate and understandable.
Jen (Imasillynut) and I had quite a dialog about SAHM's, getting husband's to do their share, etc. in the threads of Here's a "fun" topic.... in the "Something to Talk About" section of the board. You might be interested to read it.
Lunch. I know you know your husband isn't spending $20 for lunch at Subway. I also think you know he's not spending $20 on lunch for himself. What does he say when you ask him specifically? You could probably go online and check a menu for the place he says he's going to see what their lunch menu prices are. I don't know where you live, but I'm in the Pacific Northwest, and went out to lunch with two co-workers today. We went to a popular downtown restaurant. The entire bill for all of us, before tip was $34. In my city (population approx 540,000), you'd have to go to a very spendy place to pay $20 for a lunch, or you'd have to order a dinner for lunch. Ask him to show you the receipt. Ask him to be honest about what he's doing. Have him stay home with the kids on the weekend while you go out for lunch.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
How are you, Not2sure_gal?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"