Not sure what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Not sure what to do
1
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 5:39pm

This isn't really a post about my fiance and I but it is something that is affecting our relationship and will only escalate in the future.


My fiance was adopted at birth by two wonderful loving parents. They have this positive vibe to them that I can feel even over the telephone and I love them to death. My fiance is in the military (short deployments) and right before the deployment before this one (does that even make sense?), he got in contact with his birth mom (who was 16 she she had him)




~*~Lauren. Wife to Phil. Mom to one with one on the way~*~


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 2:20am

Hi Lauren ~


I remember you from the Military Families board, you answered my question about how you adjust to your soldier's homecoming after a prolonged absence. I got some great answers, yours among them. You guys have a great board, I loved being there.


I think part of the answer might be based on how much he wants her to be a part of your lives. Does he intend to stay in close contact or does he expect contact to slow down to once or twice a year calls? What does he think about her personality and her approach?


For the most part though, I think what's happened is that you've let things go a bit because you wanted to be nice. Like with anyone you've just met you're going to be as non-confrontational as you can be, you're going to let behaviors mind sets that you don't agree with go for the sake of getting along, being polite or just not making waves or causing problems where you don't need to. Most of the time the people we meet that don't act like us don't have to be dealt with any differently because they go away after a brief meeting and you don't have to deal with them anymore. But....she's not going away, and she's not at all like you. I had in-laws like this so I can relate. These guys were from Mars, I swear and I'm sure they thought I was too. (Trust me, it was them ;)) I think the best way to handle her is to first up recognize that you are from different planets and the chance of agreeing with her perspective, goals, or beliefs is probably not going to happen, so don't try. Accept that she marches to a different drummer (it sounds like an immature, selfish drummer, but it's her beat!) and don't try to dwell on it or she'll really get under your skin! Be polite, be firm, but be very careful to be who you are with her. By that I mean don't compromise, don't agree just to be nice if you don't agree, don't look for ways to accommodate her if that's not something you're prepared to do (as in trying to find a way to drop everything and go to CO or change your wedding date to better fit her schedule) If it's not your usual way to say, "Sorry, our responsibilities won't let us meet you in CO", learn to say it. Even if you aren't sure what your fiance's reaction to some of what she wants would be, you can still say, "Gee, I don't know that we can do that. I'll have to talk to Andre'a and see." The thing is, she's a bulldozer and she expects things to go her way. And even if that's not true, she's given every indication that she expects you to be just like her. Well, you've learned she's not, now it's her turn to learn that you're not just like her and the only way she's going to learn it is if she gets a taste of reality from you. If you try to be "nice" by going along she's going to think you agree and that's not reality. She needs to see the real you so she can see the difference too. Does that make sense? For me, being honest and firm and staying true to me with my in-laws wasn't real comfortable at first, but I felt a lot better about myself and I felt better about them too. They were still aliens, but they didn't get under my skin anymore because I was being true to myself. It didn't take long for me to get used to being firm and straight up with them and it didn't take long for them to recognize the areas of vast difference between us and we were all able to better manage our relationship.

Here's hoping she fades into the woodwork. She sounds like a real piece of work, 42 going on 15.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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