Not sure what to do anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2005
Not sure what to do anymore
13
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 10:17pm

I am getting married in July. Lately I feel that we have been having major problems...but my fiance says that the problems stem from me overeacting over everything.

I just seem to pick fights with him over everything.

We have also stopped having sex because I just don't feel like it anymore.

I've told him numerous times that I feel that we are drifting apart but he just tells me that we will figure it out...but when????

I am so confused right now

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 10:28pm

Welcome to the board, Wk115 ~


It sounds like you're really having a hard time right now, I'm sorry for that. Could you give us some more details and information? Like:>

  • What it is you pick fights about?
  • Can you give some examples of what it is he says you over react to?
  • Why do you think you don't want sex anymore (if you feel a large distance between you that would seem pretty understandable to me, but I don't know that that's the case)?
  • Can you explain a little about how it is that you feel like you're drifting apart? From what you've said, I'm guessing he doesn't think working towards getting closer is important, and I get the impression that either he doesn't see the things that concern you as problems or he doesn't think problems need to be worked on, that they'll just resolve themselves with time.
  • Knowing your ages and how long you've been together would be helpful, too.

    The thing is, without more information, it's impossible to know what we think of your situation. With a picture of what's happening, maybe we'll think he's right and offer you suggestions based on that, or maybe we'll think he's wrong, in which case what we'd offer would be completely different. Let us know so we can understand what's going on in your relationship and help, okay?






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together



    Edited 10/6/2005 10:30 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-15-2005
    Fri, 10-07-2005 - 10:41pm

    Hi. As CL said, more info. would help a lot. But, let me give you my 2 cents.

    First, I am only 22 and have only been w/ my bf for 8 months, but...

    Is it possible that you're 2nd guessing marrying this guy? Or, are you pregnant? Hormones can do a lot! Are you overly stressed b/c of work or the wedding?

    I got into a stage like this w/ my bf where I would pick fights over anything, if he went out w/o me I would wait til he got home & then start a fight, etc. and I realized that 1) I think I was doing this in order to communicate w/ him or get him to communicate w/ me rather. He is not much of a "talker" and I am, so when I would try to tell him what I was feeling & I felt as if he blew me off, I got mad & saved it up until I couldn't deal w/ it anymore. He has since realized that I need to talk about stuff & he now talks to me when I need to, but I have also realized that it's not his most "happy" place so I do it in a calm manner when it is neccessary & I know him well enough now that I know when he's more willing to "open up" and when he's not. 2) If he did something that upset me or just made me uncomfortable, I would just let it go, but I could never forget it. I realized that I (and this is just me) need to tell him when it's happening; at first I was afraid this would seem like nagging, but I think it helps to state your feelings when they're fresh instead of having time to think about them & let them build up and I don't think he sees it as nagging. And 3) I've also realized that you need to pick your battles, if it's not that big of a deal, let it go or mention that you didn't like what he did & you wish he'd try not to do it again or whatever the situation is, just promise yourself that you're not going to think about it anymore & say to yourself, "that's just the way he is". But, if it's something that bothers you a lot, tell him, calmly.

    Also, I find it very theraputic to write what I'm feeling down. In my case, I type it & then give it to my bf or just put it in my journal or read it to my bf. This way I feel like I'm wording everything exactly as I want it to sound instead of trying to come up w/ it off the top of my head. And, I remember everything I wanted to talk to him about & don't have to drag our "talk" out for hours.

    I think you need to write down your thoughts or put it in the form of a letter to him & then read it to him (I think this is best so nothing is taken out of context.) then, plan a night for you. Tell your fiance that you want to go do something you want to do then sit down in a quiet uninterrupted area & read him your letter and ask him to give you his thoughts... I think this will help a lot w/ your "drifting apart" worry. I also think you should do this ASAP so you don't put more stress on yourself than needed.

    I don't know if any of this applies to you, but I hope something jumps out at you.

    ~hddlstn02

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-05-2005
    Fri, 10-07-2005 - 10:45pm

    Hi,

    Well I am 28 and he is 29. We have been dating for 2 1/2 years and engaged for 10 months.

    There are many factors at play here...

    I have been under a tremendous amount of stress recently due to changing of jobs and taking a signifcant pay decrease. This stress I believe has a lot to do with no desire whatsoever to have sex.

    I have threatened to call of the wedding many many times and have even given him the ring back on several occasions. Sometimes I feel like I really want to call the wedding off but I am too embarrased about what people would think. And somedays I know that I am overreacting.

    I know much of this stems from the fact that I watched my parents extremely volatile marriage crumble. I am so worried to get married and then to later end up divorced so part of me doesn't even want to try and see what marriage will be like.

    I am also paranoid that he will leave me someday for someone else...since I have low self esteem. I think I pick fights with him about stupid things so I can somehow sabotage our relationship.

    I know that he cares about me and loves me a great deal but I am so scared to get married :(

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-31-2005
    Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:47pm
    You don't get married until you're 100% certain it is the right thing to do, ever. And I mean when there is not a doubt in your mind, no uncertianty whatsoever (and not just on that day either, KWIM?) Don't move forward and do something you'll regret. Don't do it until you know for certain it's right.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sat, 10-08-2005 - 1:44am

    I agree with Pandabu. The first thing you do is hold off on setting a wedding date until you feel 100% certain that this is the right thing to do. Fears are not okay to ignore and moving forward with a wedding when you're feeling as you are is a mistake, pure and simple. Not only because of your fears and apprehensions, but you also feel you're moving apart. This is serious. Marrying someone when you see problems in the relationship isn't a smart idea. You resolve your problems and issues first, then get married. What if they aren't resolved? What if your relationship continues to move apart? You would definitely be sorry you'd gone through with the wedding if that happened. Calling off a wedding and engagement is much easier than going through a divorce; make sure the relationship's right first, before you make the commitment.


    I have to comment on your statement about wanting to call off the wedding but being afraid of what people would think. I know a girl who had planned an elaborate wedding with an enormous amount of out of town guests attending. Her parents had spent a huge amount of money planning a sit down dinner, dance and party for all guests following the wedding. The morning of the wedding, out of town guests all there, checked into their hotels, caterers delivering the food for the huge feast and all, she cancelled the wedding. Of course some people were shocked, some talked, some thought she should have figured it out before then, but the vast majority simply admired her for having the strength and sense to refuse to go through with a wedding that she realized would be a mistake. There is no amount of money spent, guests who are disappointed or think badly of you to make going into a marriage that's not right for you worth it. Really now, you're talking about disappointing them or having them think differently about you for a few days at most, then they're going to get over it, meanwhile, you're talking about a commitment that affects your whole life. I hope you can see that's not comparable. The girl I know who walked away from her wedding just an hour before it was to begin is now married, has kids and is immensely happy. The man she's married to is someone she didn't even know at the time she walked away from her wedding. He wasn't right for her, but the man she did marry is. I hope you can think of calling off a wedding that's not right says strong things about you, not weak.


    At the very least, I think it would be very smart for you to tell your fiance that you have some concerns about your relationship and the path it seems to be taking and that you don't want to consider marriage until the problems have been worked through. That makes good sense, it means you're not willing to walk into a problem or a mistake, you're not leaving the relationship, you're just not willing to commit to it until you see it stronger. Why would you commit yourself to a relationship that's going downhill?


    You mentioned concerns from watching your parent's marriage and divorce and your insecurity that he'll find someone else. Have you seen a therapist about your issues and your insecurity? I think that would be a really good idea. Once you've worked through some of your issues there, it would be really smart to see a couples counselor with your fiance. There you can air each of your concerns, learn how to deal with issues, and generally find out if marriage to each other is the right thing. I know that most churches insist couples go through their marriage counseling before marrying, but that's not the kind of counseling I'm talking about. I'm talking about real counseling with a counselor or therapist who's licensed in couples therapy. There are also lots of weekend workshops for engaged couples that are designed to help them see what they're getting into, learning if they're right for each other and learning how to best deal with issues so their marriage is as strong as possible. Pre-marriage counseling and workshops help assure that the marriage will last. It's not cheap, but then, how much would you pay for a happy, strong marriage? And how much money would you have to spend before you'd feel going through a divorce would be better?


    Sweetie, I think it's really important to listen to yourself, don't go forward into further commitment until you've addressed those issues and feelings and you are 100% certain that this is right, it's what you want and you're ready to move forward without any (and I do mean any) doubts, reservations or fears. Pre-marriage jitters is about facing the guests, not your marriage. If your concerns are about your fiance, your relationship, your marriage, don't do it until those concerns have been answered.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-05-2005
    Sat, 10-08-2005 - 7:18am
    Thanks everyone...My fiance has suggested couseling but I resisted! I think that we should start going.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sun, 10-09-2005 - 12:04am

    Really great plan, Wk115, put your wedding date on hold until your relationship is on solid ground. Please be sure that the counselor or therapist you see is licensed in a field of couples counseling/therapy. I say that because some therapists/counselors who are licensed only for individual counseling offer couples counseling as a "service". But working with couples is very different from working with individuals and without the appropriate training those well-meaning counselor and therapists will very likely do more harm than good to the relationships they are trying to help. I tell you this at the request of friends of mine who are therapists and have seen the destruction these untrained counselors cause.


    Let us know how it goes, okay? Best of luck!







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-04-2003
    Sun, 10-09-2005 - 12:31am
    Consider going to counseling on your own to help you get to the root of the problem or maybe he'd be willing to go to pre-marital counseling with you?


    Carrie

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-05-2005
    Wed, 10-12-2005 - 9:21pm

    Well at first he was the one who suggested premarital counseling...and I said no. Well I brought this up the other day and suggested we go and all of a sudden he doesn't want to talk about going anymore!!!

    I think its really time to postpone or cancel this wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Thu, 10-13-2005 - 1:20am

    I absolutely agree that it's time for a postponement, and I'm sorry that he's dragging his feet about going to counseling with you.


    I'd really urge you to get into counseling on your own, you've got lots to work on that doesn't involve him. I'm also thinking that based on what you've said, you giving the ring back on at least a few occasions, not being willing to go to counseling when he suggested it, he may be frustrated with all that and that is likely the reason for his refusal to go with you now. If he sees you going to therapy on your own he'll see that you are truly making an effort to resolve your issues and once he sees that, he will very likely be encouraged and be willing to attend couples counseling with you. Does that make sense? Even if he's never willing to go to couples counseling with you, you'll benefit greatly from working on your concerns, fears and issues in counseling. No matter what else happens, your life will improve as a result.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"

    Pages