I am so embarrassed!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
I am so embarrassed!!!
8
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:58am

Hi there! I am a newbie to this board. I have never had reason to lurk here until now. I feel so silly, but I wanted to get some advice from people who don't know me - I'm too embarrassed to ask my friends about this....

My husband and I just bought a beautiful house in May. We will have been married for one year on October 23rd. My husband is literally the most wonderful man in the world. I love him more than anything. This is my second marriage - quite a contrast from my first marriage to my second! My first marriage was miserable, but this one is....well, you get the picture. Anyway.....

I just changed jobs after working 4 years for a company. During those four years, my workload got worse and worse. Lately I was working 10-12 hour days. It was not a good situation. I was looking for work elsewhere but not getting any results. For the last couple of months, with working all the overtime, I had been coming home completely exhausted. My dear husband, who also works full time as a carpenter, would usually have the house clean, dishes done, clothes in the washing machine and dinner already in progress. We have no kids yet - we're TTC. I got so used to having him take care of everything - it was wonderful!

The problem is this: I got used to having him take care of everything. Now that I'm in a new job, I work absolutely no overtime, no stress, and better pay. When I get home, I still do nothing. He's been doing all the cooking and cleaning, etc. I'm ashamed to say, it never occured to me that he would be getting tired of all that. Well, last night I asked him if something's been bothering him because he's been a little out of sorts lately. He then launched into this huge lecture about how he's been doing everything and I've just stood by and let him. My first knee jerk reaction was to get defensive about it and complain about all the overtime I was putting in - which of course, lately I haven't been. Then after I shut my mouth long enough to think about it, I began realizing that he was 100% right. This was not a fight - this was DH saying, "I can't do it all anymore. I need help. Please start pulling your weight again." It's not like he just sprung this on me out of the blue, either. He mentioned some gentle nudges he tried to give me over the past couple weeks to get me to do some things around the house, and either I didn't catch them, or I ignored them. I remember him saying things of that nature, too. During the whole conversation, he never raised his voice or was angry at all. He just seemed....disappointed. Tired. I was too embarrassed to even look him in the eye. I have no argument or excuse. Of course I plan to remedy the situation immediately, but how do I even begin to express to him how sorry I am about this.? I'm so embarrassed that my husband, of not quite a year yet, has had to give me a "talking to" regarding my housekeeping habits. When we were talking about it last night, I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. Now, I feel like a child that has just been chastized by their parent. It was completely deserved, but I still feel silly. I called him this morning to tell him that I came up with an idea for dinner (we like to take turns making dinner - we decide what we're going to make and then ask the other if it sounds good to them, etc.), and I found that I was feeling awkward talking to him. We NEVER have awkward silences. Ever. We just took a trip to see his brother and family this weekend - a 4-hour drive and it flew by because we never shut our mouths. We talk constantly. This is weird. I don't like it.

Any comments or suggestions? This may sound like a strange problem to some of you - but I am completely at a loss. I just want everything to go back to normal. Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 12:59pm

Phoebe,


Let it go.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 1:28pm

Di -

GREAT advice. Thanks! I will just take my the slack and move on. You're right - he's probably already forgotten about it. But, I'm the same as you - in my previous marriage, this kind of thing would've been "unacceptable", and I would've had to try to make amends. Now I can just say, "Okay, I screwed up. I'll fix it." Done. Ugh.

Anyway - thanks for the advice. I'll take it. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 3:33pm
Even if your husband is fine with it, and you are good about picking up the slack from now on, I don't think a nice gesture on your part sometime soon, such as making him an extra-special dinner, or making arrangements for an activity he really enjoys, either with you or on his own, would be dysfunctional.
Letting your DH know you love him and appreciate him is not a bad thing. You'd like it if he had done that for you, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 1:13am

Phoebe, would it make you feel any better to know I've done the very same thing? For a while my husband was unemployed and he insisted on doing all the housework and meal preparation in order to feel he was pulling his weight (of course, he was looking for work too). I have to say, coming home to everything done, everything clean, not having to do a thing was heavenly, and it is sooo easy to get used to. When he went back to work, I didn't pull my weight and while I did figure out that I needed to pitch in I found myself actually feeling put out that I had to. Sheesh! Luckily, it was a thought and feeling I had while I was alone, I managed to keep it to myself rather than embarrass myself by showing it to him. I immediately realized how selfish, spoiled and pathetic my "no fair, I don't want to do work" was, put myself back on track. It's easy to get used to having it done for you, it really is.


I don't think your husband wants or needs you to apologize either, but if it would make you feel better, you could say something simple like, "I'm horrified that I didn't jump in and pick up the slack when my workload changed. I feel bad about it and I'm sorry" Then you'll know for sure he knows and you can move on without it.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 1:16am

Great idea, Aviatrix70! If she wanted to, I think that would be a great way to thank her husband for doing so much for her/them while she was stressed out and working long hours.


A nice long massage would fit in well to the theme too...!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 9:54am

Thank you all for your advice and support! I just thought I'd give you an update...

All is well. We had a great weekend. Even with spending all day Saturday at my parents' house, we still managed to get most of the housework done. We even got a snuggly nap in on Sunday after church!

Also, to thank DH for his job well done while I was so busy, and as an apology for my horrible behavior, I told him I'd make him anything he wanted for dinner on Sunday. He chose beef stew, homemade bread and french silk pie. I made it all and we had a fantastic, dinner...followed by a romantic evening! ;)

The whole "lecture embarrassment" has been forgotten. We're back on track, and more importantly, I'M back on track with my responsibilities. Thanks for listening and for giving me your support. I appreciate it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 11:18pm

Great news, Phoebe! It's great when things resolve smoothly and you're back on track, isn't it?

Thanks for letting us know!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 10:02am
Maybe you should write him a letter so you can say everything you want. It will be ok don't worry. He never raised his voice at you so he can't be to mad. I think if you cook dinner and be naked one night in a tie of his he will gladlly put this all behind him. LOL Hang in there hun. ((Hugs))