Alone now for 2 wks/things are better :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Alone now for 2 wks/things are better :)
13
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 4:05pm

I know many are even scared to read anything that I have to say because I have been so wishy washy.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:34pm

If you've been alone for two weeks, it's *JUST* been two weeks because you last posted exactly 14 days ago and at that point, everything was going wonderful.

Points:

You didn't break up with him, he broke up with you.
What happens when he calls you again, when he decides the relationship is back on?
Your the abusers dream girl, you keep trying hooking up with unqualified, inappropriate people who urge you to change yourself to stop him instead of learning from qualified professionals what the real issue is and getting strong.

From your other posts, you've known off and on that he's been fooling around and you've stayed with him anyway. Condoms, girls and lying aren't news.

How the heck do you enforce a rule like "you can't hang up on me anymore"? How do you "not tolerate it" if you're on the phone talking and he hangs up?

Best of luck working on the wrong things with the wrong therapist who sees the wrong issue in your boyfriend.

I'm very sad for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 11:36am
That was a well written post Pandabu. I also noticed that the condoms were found while Myrinalyn was "cleaning" his house! Why on earth would you be cleaning the abuser's house? This is one more example of lack of respect for self as well as why the abuser will never have resepct for her. Notice I refer to him as the "abuser" and not as BF or ex-BF. A abuser doesn't respect in general and may never learn respect except maybe though intense therapy.
hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 1:09am

Sorry, somehow I missed this post before now.


I have to say that I agree with Pandabu's post. I noticed the housecleaning too, that says volumes, I think.


I really urge you to seek competent trained therapy (abuse counselor) and get yourself over to the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board and Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage . I'd also suggest you have a listen to the interview with Lundy Bancroft, author of the book your counselor loves but disregards in her "treatment", "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men":
Audio interview on abuse


And I agree with Pandabu on one other issue, I am sad for you too.


You keep coming back to tell us we're right, but then do the opposite of what we suggest that you do. How is it that you recognize we're right but disregard what we, who see what's right, suggest you do about it?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 10:34am
Congratulations and I wish you the best of luck. I pray that the counseling continues to help you. Hang in there someone special is out there for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 4:20pm
Why is it that when I feel the strongest that is when I am the weakest?

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 5:34pm

I'm not trying to be rude but, you're kidding, right?

<>
Looks like the test came to pass just as it was sure to, and just as surely, you took the bait. Why? You've consistently done your darndest to make sure the help you receive is inappropriate and/or poorly trained. It's like you pretend to take the advice you're given and keep coming back with "You all were right" but you don't really believe it or learn from it and you sure don't act any differently because of it. Examples:

After what, a year on this board? All the while being urged over to the DA board you haven't posted there. You're still here and on lots of other relationship issue boards, but never on the board that can really help you, that really addresses your problem.

From what I've seen the full time on this board you've been told over and over that your therapist was not qualified in the areas you need. You continued to go and the quack kept feeding you full of more issues and problems than you already had. You finally quit him and went to an actual qualified therapist. But, you jumped out of there pretty quickly and back to another unqualified therapist who will cause you more pain and problems. Sorry, but having gone through abuse herself does not qualify her as a professional in the field. She has one experience - hers -to go by. No years of research, training and schooling to learn what is and is not appropriate in working with clients dealing with the issue. You doubt that? She "loves your book" you said to the cl, but she's working with you and telling you things that are completely opposite to what the author of the book -- an EXPERT (as in trained, qualified, licensed) in abuse -- says. "Why don't you guys like my counselor?" Honestly now, you can't be serious. If you are, you haven't been reading the responses you've been getting all along. What is it you don't get? Really?

Know what I think? I think you hang around these boards that don't really address your problem, work with therapists that aren't trained in the field you need help in because you don't want abuse to be your real problem and you don't want to deal with it from that aspect. I think you think if you keep pretending to deal with it and work at it, it'll all change, he'll be wonderful and you'll have that great life you dream of with him. You don't want to move on, to change, to stop the abuse, you want him to be who you want him to be and you think if you hang in there long enough he will.

If you really want to stop going through this cycle in hell you need to make some real changes yourself. Get back to the abuse therapist and stay there. Get yourself over to the DA board and stay there. Pretending this isn't what is is won't work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:54am

It sounds like you didn't just listen to his crap on Saturday night, but the next day as well. Sweetie, he used you before and he continues to use you still. For his verbal and physical punching bag and for whatever else he can use you for. You shouldn't have cleaned his place whether or not it's your job and whether he offer you money or not. It was a job for someone else. Doing it kept you in the one-down, subservient role and not accepting the money in the end made it more so. Face it though, if you'd asked him for the money he promised he'd have looked down on you for that too. Everything's your fault because he is abusive and that's how abusive men are.


You want to stop feeling like this? You want to end this cycle and this nightmare you're living? You want to figure out what you're going to do without him and be happy doing it? Get some real help and stick with it. Get back to that abuse counselor and stay there. Start reading through the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board, from the most recent post clear through the archives. Start reading through the information posed on the Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage too. While you're at it take a listen to Lundy Bancroft himself: Audio interview on abuse Be active in taking appropriate steps to dealing with the problem at hand -- domestic abuse. Yes, you have problems beyond abuse, but they are secondary, Myrinalyn; first you deal with the most urgent issue, then you deal with the lesser ones. Domestic abuse is your most urgent issue.


Sweetie, over and over again we've urged you to get help from a therapist licensed in domestic abuse and again and again you don't. I don't understand why you don't get that a counselor who would agree to see you for a problem they're not trained for is worse than just untrained in that area of expertise, they're dangerously incompetent. A competent therapist would refuse to see you for something they weren't trained to work with, they would refer you to someone who is trained so that you would get the best help you could. Competent therapists and counselors want you to get the help you need. They don't think they know well enough to handle it, they know they need training in order to deal appropriately, effectively and competently. If they haven't been trained and licensed, they're not helping you, they're confusing the issue more and causing you more damage. Haven't you been damaged enough? Isn't it time to really deal with the real problem and repair the damage?.


You have to have known why we didn't like your therapist, right? It's been said to you over and over by a multitude of people.


Like I've said before, it's your life, you do with it as you choose, make the choices you want to make for yourself. In doing so you direct your own future. You're making the choices that bring you where you are today.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 12:32pm

I will go to the other board but they won't know my history and it will feel like I have to start all over again.


I will go to the group counseling class but I honestly didn't get a thing from the counselor not compared to my new one.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 3:05pm

<< I honestly can say that if he were to ask me today I would say no unless he changed. That is a step in the right direction. >>>

This IS NOT a step in the right direction! You are still "hoping, praying, believing, that he will change. Try going on the Betrayed Spouses board. They advocate a "NO CONTACT" rule that myself and many others have said for the almost the past year. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT! You have begun to work on yourself but your never going to make progress until you shut out the abuser from your life.

hello
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 3:51pm

You really do have to have no contact with your ex...that's the only way you're going to get used to it (and every time you contact him, you'll have to start over--they say it takes a good 21 days to form a new habit, so I think that's a good rule of thumb on what to expect). No contact means not initiating contact with him, or accepting contact from him. Use technology to help you with this: block him from emailing or calling you, for example.

In the past, what I've done to stop myself from contacting an ex is to make a pact with my counselor or a good friend that I won't contact him for X number of days. Because I value keeping my word, making the pact helps me to not contact him. Then I renew the pact for another X number of days. Eventually I get out of the habit of thinking about him and contacting him and I no longer need the pact...but it's a great help in the interim.

Sheri

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