when is it time to throw in the towel
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when is it time to throw in the towel
| Sat, 10-08-2005 - 12:03am |
i have been dating this guy for over 2 years, he's a sweet person and is really kind hearted. however though i love this man with all my heart, he never ceases to irritate me with his constant nagging.i'm just about fed up, he always finds something to quarrel about, whether i'm not being caring enough, and by that he means pampering him wit his every stupid need. not to mention that he wants me to give up a friend that i've been close to for years, who was also his friend, for the sake of saying that he's a backstabber. we've quarrelled for months on this is topic and it's just frustrating me because i think he should respect my friendships. back to the nagging, he constantly nags me on simple things i do like not speaking my mind, and not telling him what's on my mind, it's like i have no privacy, one time he accused me of lying to him because i didn't say that i was going to a party of his"enemy". WE'RE NOT EVEN MARRIED. what do u think ladies, is he a keeper or should i get rid of him. now i must say he is very considerate of my feelings and respects me, his family is also very nice.

I'm afraid that I'm going to ask more questions than I answer. You see, I can clearly see his side of the arguement, but there are also many unanswered questions that could well change my mind completely.
You say that he nags you for not speaking your mind and not telling him what's on your mind. Being able to express yourself and share your feelings are very important parts of a relationship. So, it brings me to the question: why don't you communicate with him?
I'm curious about you going to a party of his enemy and not telling him. You did lie - by omission - which is no different to any other type of lie. But again, I'd be asking what the issues are between him and his enemy? Do you think that your boyfriend has invented the issues with this 'enemy'?
Likewise, he's not comfortable with you seeing your long time friend. The big question is "why?" I can't say whether or not he's being unreasonable without knowing why your boyfriend calls him/her a backstabber.
Regarding you not being caring enough and not pamering his every stupid need. Again, it's hard to say without more information. What does he expect you to do? And, importantly, does he pamper you in return?
sorry for all these questions.....but I hope that we can give you constructive ideas with more information.
At this point, I think that whether you don't talk to him because you aren't a talkative person or whether you don't talk to him because you don't care to share with him for whatever reason, the bottom line is you aren't able to be yourself with him, which says you don't have enough compatibility. If you did, your problems and issues would have been resolved long ago and you'd have continued on your relationship without them. As it stands, you've had two years of struggling, arguing and nagging. What's certain is that it will continue. So, if you want a relationship that continues to struggle, argue and nag then stay, but don't expect it to change. If you want a relationship without those things, you'll need a different guy, one with whom you're more compatible. I'd also add that he's not respectful of you when he pushes, nags and complains about your preferences and choices. I also think that unless this "enemy" is someone who actively says and does things against your boyfriend he needs to back off his protests and let you have the friends you choose. I do think you should have told your boyfriend you were attending the party. It would have been respectful to him to do so, I know he wouldn't have liked that you were going and it would have caused problems, but it was something that should have been dealt with better, more honestly. And if you have to hide what you do to avoid conflict, then without a doubt this relationship is not right for you and is not worth the trouble it'll continue to be.
I dated a guy who found problems and issues in everything. It's exhausting. Here's an article that talks about differences. It doesn't specifically touch on the issues you're talking about, but I don't think it needs to be an exact fit for you to understand it.
Unmatched ambitions
There's also a book I have on it's way to me from the library called "When Relationships are Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" I haven't read it yet so I can't recommend it, but the credits sounded very positive. I'm looking forward to the read.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
Edited 10/9/2005 1:57 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
just for the record....I'm not 'necessarily' agreeing with him. I just want to find out more info before I say my piece. I actually changed my mind a number of times when writing my post because I'm so unsure of the origins of everyone's behaviour.
Before I say that she should see any friend she likes and disregard her boyfriend's wishes, I want to make sure that the friend didn't do something like try to break the relationship up or something equally low. Perhaps this friend is a 'he' and tried to 'steal' the OP from her boyfriend. Perhaps this friend really is trouble and her boyfriend has very legitmate concerns. But then again, the boyfriend could simply be inclined to over-react to everything.
I'm also confused as to whether or not he's got more than one enemy or whether these people he dislikes are one and the same. I find it a concern when one person does not like the majority of the other's friends....it makes me think that there are very basic moral and behaviour differences between the groups of friends.
Regarding not speaking her mind, like you, I also wondered if when the OP does speak her mind it creates trouble....so she's learned not to. But if this is the case, the OP could have learned this behaviour in a previous relationship.....or it could be the result of the current relationship. It may be reactive and with good reason or it could be baggage.
But no matter what, there needs to be some major rethinking in both directions in this relationship. Melultimate, I look forward to reading more about your dilemma.
to the issue of why i don't talk to him openly, is due to the fact that i'm not a very expressive person. i don't like people judging me for what i think, because it upsets me, and i guess i'm a afraid that he'll think i'm not a very nice person. for example, sometimes when he tries to dicuss issues, i'm just not in the mood for it because the issues from last time come up in my head and it just feels like he's nagging, and i want to say, " can u just shut up and leave me let me be!" but i know this is wrong and i want to work out our problems but i just like taking things slow, i don't like to be bombarded with problem after problem.
Another thing is i'm very carefree, i enjoying being able to say things when i want,how i want, without someone there being like, "that's not how a girlfriend should act, you should be more caring, by understanding, where i am coming from" It's not that i don't understand him sometimes, it's just that i disagree with his point, and i don't know how to tactfully say, ur talking crap. and another thing i dislike is the continuous questions of why! i think it stems from my mother, and her nagging ways, and well i can only take so much of people nagging me, so i suppose i take my frustrations out on him when he continuously asks me question.
About the 'enemy', he's the same backstabber person. it's complicated. the three of us were really good friends. however, the 'enemy' and i were really good friends before my bf started dating, we talked about everything, we knew eachother inside and out and we called eachother brother and sister. then when he moved, he made new friends with some guys who didn't know my boyfriend but decided to judge him, pretty high school stuff. becuz this 'enemy' limed with these guys, it was reported that he too was in on the bad talking of my boyfriend. so basically my boyfriend got wind of it, and he didn't bother to verify whether it was true or not before he stopped talking to this enemy, needless to say though the enemy tried talking to my boyfriend, he was blown off, and that was the end of that friendship. however since me and the 'enemy' were still talkin, my bf was most upset saying that he wants a girlfriend that will always have his back no matter what. but forgive me if i'm wrong, nothing was ever solidy proven and i'm not goin to just throw away a friend just like that, i hold friendship in the highest esteem. so for months we quarreled until i told my bf that if he forces me to choose, then that would be the end of our relationship becuz i don't appreciate people pressuring me to do things i don't want to do.
Further more, i understand that wanting to go the party without telling him was wrong, however i just didn't want the whole quarrel that omes along with bring up the 'enemy'. however besides this glitch our relationship isn't bad. we love eachother, but i just just don't like the fact that he's forcing me to choose between a friend and him because i'm not goin to choose my friend over him, but i'm not goin to give up a friend either. i think there's a compromise, but i just haven't figured it out yet. in addition to this, i have a bit of a problem with thinking before i act, in the sense that sometimes i don't think of how my actions affect my bf and he gets upset by that.
Hi Melultimate
thanks for getting back to me. It tends to be a bit quiet on this board over weekends, so if you're not getting many responses, make sure to check back in early in the week. I'll give you my thoughts, but I can guarantee there will be other very valid - and different - opinions to mine :-)
>>i don't like people judging me for what i think, because it upsets me, and i guess i'm a afraid that he'll think i'm not a very nice person<<
I can understand how you feel. And for this reason, I strongly believe in finding a partner who's values and beliefs are very similar to mine. I even go as far as looking for someone who has similar political views because I tend to be politically outspoken. The way I see it, if our partner sees life in the same way we do, then we tend to think the same. And this negates the need for disagreement....you simply *know* that your partner will understand how you feel. Trust me, it's a very comfortable way to have a relationship. My DH and I have been together for 13 years and very rarely have issues. And those we do have are settled quickly and easily. Is this the type of relationship you would like?
>>It's not that i don't understand him sometimes, it's just that i disagree with his point, and i don't know how to tactfully say, ur talking crap.<<
It worries me that you're with someone who you think can talk crap. Despite rarely disagreeing, there are times when my DH and I say "we'll just have to agree to disagree". But on those occaisions, we both discuss understand where the other is coming from and we both accept that the other has a valid point. It's just sometimes there is no right and wrong in a situation and that's where agreeing to disagree comes in. I think that if you can't understand that his point is valid, then there's either a big communication breakdown....or your boyfriend is full of BS. Or possibly a bit of both.
>>i'm just not in the mood for it because the issues from last time come up in my head and it just feels like he's nagging, and i want to say, " can u just shut up and leave me let me be!" but i know this is wrong and i want to work out our problems but i just like taking things slow, i don't like to be bombarded with problem after problem<<
Honestly, if there is problem after problem then either your relationship is in big trouble or the initial problems are never being resolved. Quite honestly, I tend to think that if you dared speak your mind, the problems may be solved more easily - and you could negotiate a suitable outcome. Or you could agree to disagree negate the need for further discussion. However, there is also the idea that perhaps he'll never be happy with you whatever you do. Perhaps he wants you to be a different person to who you are now? If this is the case, he'll forever be nagging and you'll be forever feeling bad about not being accepted for who you are.
Something that I've discovered after years of dating and one failed marriage is that a good relationship is *easy*. There are no big issues that constantly need sorting.... rather, everything just tends to fall into place. I also strongly believe that one should never consider marrying someone who isn't *perfect* for you. Yes, issues need to be worked on, but only in marriage. If you are dating someone and there's a whole stack of issues, it's far better to call it quits and find an easier relationship.
Regarding him asking you "why?" all the time, I believe that this would be in direct response to you not being willing to communicate your issues. If you started to tell him how you feel, he'd not need to ask "why?" In this case, I do feel for your boyfriend because I feel that one doesn't really know their partner if the partner does not express how they feel.
I understand that starting to communicate how you feel could make you feel judged and 'not nice', but if hiding the real you is the basis for the relationship, then he doesn't really know you does he? It's far better to express your opinions - even if it leads to a break up - than to live a relationship based on an empty facade. At the end of the day, you need the reassurance that he loves you for all that you are. And if he doesn't love you for who you are and what you believe, then I can guarantee that someone else will.
The one thing that I do agree with your boyfriend on is the friend issue. I believe that if one has friends who are nasty, then one is condoning their behaviour. While one may not actually say the same things, I believe that they are guilty by association. (This is sort of what we teach our children in "anti-bullying" lessons at school) To be honest, I don't believe that there is a compromise .... at least not one that I would be happy with if I were your boyfriend. I could not accept my partner being friends with people who were nasty to me. In your situation, were all the people who say nasty things about your boyfriend at this party? If so, I can very much understand why you boyfriend is upset about your attending.
I can tell you this: If my friends were nasty to another friend, I would feel the need to make a choice. I would have to decide if my friends were right in their observations or decide that they are nasty people with whom I would not associate. At the very least, I do question your friend's loyalty to your boyfriend. If the friend really cared about his mate, he would not associate with people who were nasty to him. It's a mate thing.
Having said all that, I have ended a relationship because of my friends' observations. While they were not pleasant observations, they were correct. Behind some jibes there can be an element of truth. Figure out if there is truth behind what they say about your boyfriend or if the friends are simply nasty, petty people.
However, if you are not willing or able to make a choice, then throw it back to your boyfriend ;-) Tell him to make the choice. Tell him that you are not going to give up your friend and that your boyfriend must decide whether or not this is acceptable to him. If he's the one with issues regarding the situation, let him make the call.
This has been a really long post, so to briefly re-cap - here it is:
Learn to speak your mind and find out if your boyfriend loves the 'real' you. If he doesn't then find someone who does. And figure out if your friends opinions of your boyfriend are valid.
I agree with Aisha, on almost all counts.
I'm a little confused at how you describe yourself in communication, it seems to be a bit contradictory. In one paragraph you say you say you don't like to talk to him openly because you're not a very expressive person and don't like people judging you. Are you like this with everyone or just him? Do you feel everyone is judging you or him specifically (I'd assume because he doesn't agree with what you say). Then in the next paragraph you say you're carefree and enjoy being able to say things when you want without someone telling you how you should be. I may not have this quite right, but it sounds like maybe the problem is that you just don't like talking openly and expressing yourself with him because of the problems it causes. Is that right? Let me know either way, okay?
I absolutely agree with Aisha that a good relationship is easy. When you're right for each other there aren't constant problems, issues, misunderstandings, etc. You're able to express yourself freely without it causing a problem, you're relaxed and happy, the relationship is easy. I also agree that you shouldn't marry someone who's not "perfect" or "ideal" for you. It's not ridiculous to expect someone be absolutely right for you, it's not being too picky, it's being smart and will get you no less than what you want. No one should settle for less. I, like Aisha have been in a bad marriage followed by one that was right, and can attest to the fact that the right guy is worth waiting for and good relationships are wonderful and easy.
I also agree with her on what she said about expressing your opinions even if it leads to a break up. I told you in my last post that I dated a guy who found problems and arguments in everything. It was because he didn't agree with my beliefs, the way I saw things, the way I handled things, etc. Basically, where I was willing to accept that his point of view was different than mine, that we were different, neither was wrong, he was not willing to accept the same. To his way of thinking, he was right and I was wrong, period. It was tempting to avoid telling him how I felt about things, things that I was planning to do, etc., because I knew he'd disagree, have a fit and it would cause hours of lecture, drama and problems. Avoiding the whole scene seemed easier. But, I also felt that it was wrong to put myself in a position that I had to hide who I really was, what I really thought and believed. I refused to put myself in a position to not be willing to stand up for my actions and my beliefs. To hide them is to let someone else control and rule me and that was not something I was willing to allow to happen. I figured that I would continue to be real, to be honest and if it became a big enough problem, it would end the relationship. If that happened, it would be the right thing to have happened, and if it didn't, it would mean he was able to come to terms with our differences and accept them. Don't compromise yourself for anyone, Melultimate.
I don't agree with Aisha on the issue of the friend. I don't think you should have to give up your friend because your boyfriend doesn't like him. However, if I were in your place I would want to know for myself if my friend had talked badly about my boyfriend and I would approach my friend to find out for myself what had happened. If he was (or is) talking badly about your boyfriend behind your backs, he would not be someone I would want to remain friends with. Along those same lines, I am troubled that your boyfriend would dislike the friend based on second hand information. That's a very judgmental thing to do without facts to back up your decision to hate. It indicates some quite negative things in your boyfriend that he'd be willing to change his views on someone without getting the facts first.
Take a hard look at what's going on here and ask yourself if this is how you want to live as well as if this is the kind of guy you want to be with.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
>>Along those same lines, I am troubled that your boyfriend would dislike the friend based on second hand information. That's a very judgmental thing to do without facts to back up your decision to hate. It indicates some quite negative things in your boyfriend that he'd be willing to change his views on someone without getting the facts first.<<
This is an aspect that I missed, and I fully agree. When I wrote what I did, I was thinking that your boyfriend had heard first hand what was being said about him. However, if it's only heresay, then he owes it to both himself and you to find out the truth. Or to let it go.