What do I do with my depressed husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
What do I do with my depressed husband?
6
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 5:10pm
My husband has always been very ambitious and a great provider. About a month ago he had issues with our business partner and they did not see eye-to-eye. He started blaming me for his problems, saying i was depressed and the root of all his problems. i got sad and even cried for 2 days, then wisened up discovering that i truly am a happy person and fun to be with, he was depressed. We were a day away from signing divorce papers and I asked him he was depressed, he said "yes, he was". So i got him on some antidepressants, but they just made him literally sleep him life away. We have bills to pay and he doesn't want to do anything about it, yet i am the housewife among other jobs that entail with 2 kids. My son is haviong behavioral issues at school and I have been reasearching that problem too, and my son seems to be receptive to my new findings on how to raise him, yet my husband clams up and doesn't want the help for himself. We stopped the antidepressants in order for him to not sleep away his days, but he still is very depressed, and even mean to me, like flipping me off, or saying f..you freely to me. I am frankly disgusted with the way he treats me, yet i want to see him get happy again. He tells me that I am the only one for him, and haw beautiful I am ( which I am beautiful) but he is pushing me further and further away, by hurting me so and watching a once so strong minded and happy individual self-distruct. he doesn't communiate well, gets very defensive, and will end up leaving or lately sleeping. (p.s. we are in our late 20's, with 2 young boys to think about)thank you, needs good advice.


Edited 10/8/2005 6:09 pm ET ET by nclaca
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 12:27am

In addition to the meds, is he in counseling? Until he is and addresses the issues, sadly nothing is going to change.

Reading material:
When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself, Laura Epstein Rosen
The Pain Behind the Mask: Overcoming Masculine Depression, John Lynch
What to Do When Someone You Love Is Depressed, Mitch Golant, Susan K. Golant


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 12:39am

A couple of important questions to clarify things, Nclaca....


  • You said, "We have bills to pay and he doesn't want to do anything about it, ". What's causing a problem with the bills getting paid? Did he lose his job due to the problem with his partner, is his sleep affecting his ability to continue to bring in an income? I'm not sure how this is a problem.
  • You say "you" got your husband on antidepressants and "we" stopped the antidepressants. Did he see a doctor? Were antidepressants prescribed for him or did you get some from a friend or other source? Also, was a doctor involved in taking him off antidepressants? It seems odd (and a bit dangerous) that a doctor would simply take a depressed person off antidepressants rather than try a different medication that may not affect your husband with such severe side effects.
  • You said, "my son seems to be receptive to my new findings on how to raise him, yet my husband clams up and doesn't want the help for himself. ". Are you saying you're checking with your son for approval on how you raise him? What do you mean your husband doesn't want the help for himself. What help do you mean?
  • How long have these issues with your husband been a problem (how long has he been depressed, etc.)?


    Once I understand a little better I'll be able to offer you thoughts and suggestions. Thanks in advance for your explanations!







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

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    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sun, 10-09-2005 - 12:41am

    Nice to see you Itwinflame!







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-08-2005
    Sun, 10-09-2005 - 1:45am
    i thank you f or t he advice and for the first question you have yes he is sleeping his days away. in with my son i am tryng new teaching and disapline methods that are understanding and supportive yet firm, and he is doing better. on the other hand my husband does not seem to invite my positive advice i feed him. he wallows in his slef piti. i have been discussing this subject with a few other individuals and they seem to think my husband is using trickery. they think i am being manipulated by him, as for example he is out at the bar right now it is 10 at night and he asn't phoned the house since he left at 10 this morning. I am assuming he is at the bar because this is his second home. they are telling me that if he was truly depressed he would not want to be out with his friends right now. what do you think?
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sun, 10-09-2005 - 2:20am

    So he's sleeping days away instead of going to work and as a result not getting a paycheck?


    It sounds like rather than asking your son's take on trying something different with him you've taken a new approach and he's responding positively.


    I still don't know anything about the questions I asked regarding your husband's diagnosis, prescription and treatment:
  • You say "you" got your husband on antidepressants and "we" stopped the antidepressants. Did he see a doctor? Were antidepressants prescribed for him or did you get some from a friend or other source? Also, was a doctor involved in taking him off antidepressants? It seems odd (and a bit dangerous) that a doctor would simply take a depressed person off antidepressants rather than try a different medication that may not affect your husband with such severe side effects.
  • How long have these issues with your husband been a problem (how long has he been depressed, etc.)?






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Mon, 10-10-2005 - 1:19am

    I guess I should have explained myself further. The reason I asked the questions about your husband's medication, diagnosis and continued treatment is because it sounds like he didn't see a doctor or therapist and wasn't actually diagnosed. I may be completely wrong, and I hope I am, but it's very dangerous for a lay person to diagnose a problem and even more dangerous to medicate based on a lay diagnosis. If that's what's happened, I would first strongly urge you to get your husband to his doctor or therapist immediately before going a step further in doing anything. If he refuses to get help, that would be another story, but you haven't said that. In any case, diagnosing and medicating a problem yourself is not a step anyone should take.


    As for his drinking (assuming my understanding is correct), he may very well be self-medicating his problem, whatever it may be. It's a very common occurrence when mental health issues go improperly diagnosed or undiagnosed.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"