His move or mine?
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| Mon, 10-10-2005 - 9:54am |
I'm back to this board just because I really appreciated the feedback I was getting over here. I did go to the Families Damaged by Pornography web site but a lot of people are dealing with major addicts and I don't think I am.
If any of you read my previous posts you'll know, but if not I'll just sum up.
My bf and I have been together about a year. I suspected he might be using porn even in the beginning and I said I didn't approve not long into our relationship. He said "if you love someone you shouldn't need that" well months later I discovered he was still doing it. (May) I confronted it and said I couldn't be with someone like that.
Supposedly he's stopped which for the most part I believe. It has done serious damage to our relationship because I don't trust him and I wonder what he allows himself to look at all the time, I compare myself now, get extremely insecure around other attractive women...I had a traumatic experience when I was younger with someone I should have trusted and I know this has just made things worse. Not to mention my moral code has a hard time accepting that he was into it. He said it was a bad habit he got into but he's stopped. I still wonder about his fantasy world though in his head and if he looks at stuff that's not technically "porn" but anyway...
Since then I have been more up front about my feelings/emotions concerning this. It was like a festering wound just getting infected and it's all coming out now, like a purging but it's taking a toll on our relationship because he wants me to get over it. He has tried to be more supportive and not angry when I ask him things but it doesn't make him any more open towards me any other time.
We have both pulled away a lot from this relationship and I would expect that he would find ways of showing me more that he loves me because he knows how much he hurt me but he doesn't seem to. I have become codependent and police him a lot and he says I'm "up his *ss" all the time now but he knows a lot of it goes back to the trust issue. He used to tell me how creative and romantic he was but I can count how many times he's actually done romantic and creative things to show me he loves me. His excuse is he never has time but he makes time to do other things. I love simple little gestures and he makes no effort to do them unless I ask why he hasn't. He says it's because those romantic feelings have died in a lot of ways because of the arguing even though he still loves me. He complained I wasn't as spontaneous sexually anymore so the other day marked a one year anniversary of the first time we said we loved each other. I went out of my way to do something really spontaneous (I've made sure he's sexually satisfied since we've been together). His "present" was ok but something he had even considered "textbook" as far as romance goes before (flowers & a frame with a pic of us that he threw together at the last minute). I was rather hurt that he still can't seem to muster the energy to show his "creative" & "romantic" side that he used to brag about. I don't have lots of money so I can't buy much but I do little things all the time to show I care, washing laundry, folding, ironing, making him lunch, making dinner....but I have seriously slowed and pretty much stopped all of it since I don't feel like he ever makes an effort to show me consistently how much he says he cares. He listens to me and he is kind and affectionate but not much romance. He has done things to help me out so it's not like he's just a lazy jerk, he has done PRACTICAL things to help me when I need them, but it seems like he never wants to go out of his way for me.
I have really hoped that he would know the pain I feel from the betrayal issue. It has hurt me beyond belief to the point where I feel like a different person and he SAYS he's trying to help me get past that but I don't see a lot of effort besides just getting rid of the porn. I would have hoped that he would try harder now to show me he loves me instead of watching my spirit whither away and just pulling away more.
So, last night I told him this. He said he was planning on doing something big for my upcoming b-day which is sweet, but those little "creative" things I have longed for seem to never cross his mind. I only want an email now, or sending me the lyrics to a song which we used to do all the time, or have him make a cd for me (we both love music and he did make them for me in the beginning) or even a little ring that he made of string....those were the things that meant something and he doesn't even try to do them anymore....we argued, and I left. I don't know if I'm justified in how I feel because I'm angry. He doesn't even try to stop me from leaving, he's so passive. He hasn't called, hasn't come over, nothing. I feel like he doesn't care. He has said we've been "torn apart" esp by the trust issue and he doesn't seem like he has the time/energy/compassion to try to fix it...
I'm not calling him anymore, I'm not going to see him (for as long as I can stand it) I just want my feelings to mean something to him, I want to feel like I'm important to him, I want and need to feel loved and feel like he wants to fix the wounds he's caused...
Am I being to proud?

>>He doesn't even try to stop me from leaving, he's so passive. He hasn't called, hasn't come over, nothing. I feel like he doesn't care. He has said we've been "torn apart" esp by the trust issue and he doesn't seem like he has the time/energy/compassion to try to fix it...<<
There comes a time when after one has done wrong, they need forgiveness. He may be trying really, really hard to show that he's doing the right thing, but if all he gets is a reminder of how much you are hurting - then eventually he'll get tired of it. I'd be guessing that at this time, he's currently figuring out if it's worth his time to continue to work at the relationship. Perhaps he's tired of being reminded that he hurt you and he needs a life without those issues.
Forgiveness isn't about saying what he's done is OK. Rather, it's about accepting that the bad stuff happened and making a conscious effort to place it in the past. I honestly believe that at this point, if you want the relationship to continue, you need to forgive him and put these issues in the past. If you can't put the issues in the past, then it's probably time to break the relationship.
I would also re-asses your expectations of him giving you creative expressions of love. I don't know why he boasted about doing this stuff initially. Perhaps he was over-selling himself. Or perhaps your and his definitions of 'creative' are poles apart. And there is always the consideration that how we conduct ourselves in the start of the relationship is generally not how we behave when we settle down and get comfortable. But for whatever reason, it seems that he ISN'T into creative expressions of love. So, it's now up to you to either accept him how he is or move on. While ever you are waiting for him to do something that's not in his nature, you're going to be disappointed.
If I were you, I would accept that practical help is how he shows his love for you. Perhaps there are also little things that slip under your radar: Does he choose the pizza topping that he knows you will enjoy? Does he buy a wine that is your favourite? Does he find videos that you will BOTH enjoy? There are many little day-to-day things that show love but are easily missed if you're not watching.
hope this helps.
Healing from Porn?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Questions:
Yes, the members of the Families Damaged by Pornography board are dealing with addiction, but I don't know that you're not. Whether an addict is at a stage where their lives are in disrepair as a result of porn use or it's at the stage that they're still able to hide it, if they have trouble staying away from it, they're addicts. Unless, of course, they're occasional users who simply don't stay away from it because they don't share the belief that it's wrong, which may also be the case with you. What I did think though, was that from checking in with that group you'd get a feel for where you were, perhaps some warning signs to be aware of and certainly some understanding and feeling and the knowledge that what you're going through emotionally is perfectly normal. I think you got that there, didn't you? You got some great answers.
It would be great if you could just wipe all this away and go back to the way things used to be, back where you trusted him, were happy in your relationship, etc., but the fact is, the relationship wasn't ever what you believed it to be so what you want to go back to never really existed. That sucks, yes, but that's the way it is.
Your insecurity and unsureness about him is normal and understandable. IF he has stopped porn use and is walking the straight and narrow, he may get frustrated because he knows he's doing it right and it's hard for him to see that you don't trust/believe/recognize that he is. You, on the other hand, have no way of knowing whether he really is walking the straight and narrow or if he's just keeping it from you again. He deceived you for what, a year? And expects that after a few months of "maybe" playing it straight you should give him your full trust? It doesn't work that way, and frankly, your self-protection qualities wouldn't be too good if you could just let yourself blindly believe him again, would they?
Aisha's right that at some point trust needs to enter the picture again. But the truth is, your trust level may never be what it once was with him. And trust can only enter the picture again when enough time has passed without recurrence, reason for suspicion and other red flag raising incidents for you to begin to feel that trust again.
Is he exasperated and short because he's tired of getting the third degree when he's doing everything right or is he exasperated and short because he's continuing the porn use and is tired of having to jump through hoops to appear to not be doing anything he's not supposed to? At some point you will have to throw him a bone, he has to have some positive or it won't be worth it to him to keep trying. I suspect your relationship has positives, right? You aren't always negative, suspicious and distrusting, right?
As far as the other things that aren't going quite right in your relationship, I'd feel pretty certain that's a direct result of the issues you're going through right now. Neither of you feels like you right now, you're probably both on edge to some degree; things aren't as they were, it would seem odd if everything else in your relationship continued as though nothing had happened, wouldn't it?
In truth, your relationship may not survive. You now know he's capable of something you didn't believe him capable of. He deceived you for a year. That's pretty impactful, pretty hard to recover from. Time will help, it really will, but your relationship may never be what it was, it may never fully recover, you may never fully trust him again.
You said, "I want and need to feel loved and feel like he wants to fix the wounds he's caused... ", but you haven't ever said much about what he thinks about this, what his reasons for continuing porn use and hiding it from you was. How much does he let you talk? How much responsibility does he take for the damage? How willing is he to deal with this? And an important one: How big a deal does he think his porn use was?
No, Quirky, you're not being too proud. You're dealing with a betrayal and that's no small thing. You can't just turn it off and on, it's like a wound, it heals slowly, and if anything comes along to knock the scab off, the healing process has to start all over again.
A couple articles in the Information and Resources section that apply:
The 5 Stages of Grief
How To Forgive
Please note, forgiveness is something that can come when enough time has passed for it to be reasonable to belive and expect that the issue is no longer active or in danger of becoming active.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Wanted to let you know that Jen, Imasillynut is at home focusing on a newborn. I know you'd kind of connected with her, just wanted to let you know that she may not be around to answer right now.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"