here's a question for ya
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| Tue, 10-11-2005 - 8:33am |
In past year i have posted all the nasty things i have been through with my husband of 18 years. Lying about lap dances, sending his picture to other women on the internet. Text messages from another woman and after it was all over we had some very meaningful discussions. What he would like sexually and what i would like. I have bent over backwards and gone out on a limb to put some spice into the relationship (actually there was spice there before so it wasn't lack of sex that caused all the above situations that occured) However, he was attentive to my needs for about a month after all this. And has now gone back into the ways that we occuring before (that is how i caught on to him being upto something) I told him what i would like sexually and as i said he paid attention to it for about a month and now nothing. He wants me to put on sexy clothing and do the things that he would like to turn him on but i get nothing. It is to the point that the other day i got back into bed early morning after going to the bathroom. He taps me on the leg, climbs on top of me..does his thing and get off me and rolls back over and goes to sleep again. Then the next day he is kinda goofing around and says that he is the one who has to initiate sex...i couldn't believe it. I told he had no concern whatsoever if i had any satisfaction from the session that morning..he didn't even speak do me during and i told him i may as well be a blow up doll...WTF? Could it be that he really doesn't care in the long run and only was doing it a while ago to get out of hot water?????

Welcome back,
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
What I'm not sure I understand is where you say, "And has now gone back into the ways that we occuring before (that is how i caught on to him being upto something) " do you mean he was inattentive to your needs before and that's what tipped you off or do you mean that you've found that he's back to inappropriate contact with women?
Honestly, I think for the most part, the issue isn't about you, though it certainly affects you incredibly deeply. Having affairs (online or in person), and those kinds of activities aren't caused by you. You've demonstrated that your husband is a serial cheater, he's done it for years. It's not that you're not giving him enough attention, it's that he likes to fool around. Quite frankly, even if you didn't give him any attention, as a married man his options are to end his marriage so that he can seek out other relationships or stay and with you and you alone. The fact that he's continued to go outside your marriage says not such good things about his character, morals and values. This isn't about you, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it. It's about him and his inability to be faithful.
As awful as this sounds, I think what happened was the new attention was interesting for a while, but the newness wore off. Honestly, I don't think he's capable of caring about you or anyone else except himself, his excitement and his fulfillment. I think you could turn yourself inside out, but the result would be the same.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Yes. That is correct. The fact that he has sexually inverted back to the "what about me" crap again. I told him last night how i feel. He was quite shocked...or pretended to be who the hell knows. He said he was quite happy...well i guess so when you take take take and don't give, get away with wrong doing and then critice the one that has bent over backwards for you. I told him that this is the second time in 6 months that i have had to pull myself out of the mud and that i will NEVER stick my neck out like that sexually again. He said he was sorry for making the comments about he has to initiated it etc. However when i asked what he has done for me sexually in the last 6 months he mentioned one sexually act and then was stumped...gee...thanks a million.
Well, sexual acts are all fine and good, but before you can feel connected, safe and really intimate there has to be quite a level of trust and intimacy, which is built outside the bedroom and outside any kind of sexual contact, IMO. You have to feel connected and a deep level of caring, trust and commitment in order to feel sexual desire and sharing with someone. Let me rephrase that, you can feel sexual with anyone, physically speaking, you can just want physical satisfaction and seek out a one night stand to serve that purpose, but to have an emotionally satisfying sexual relationship, you have to be connected on a much deeper level than the sex. You have to be interested in your partner's feelings and in satisfying and pleasing your partner in areas other than sexually in order to get to the sexually satisfying stuff.
Again though, based on what you've said in the past, your husband isn't interested in your wants and needs, he's interested in satisfying his wants and needs and that's something you can't change, no matter how sexual you are with him. Good relationships aren't built on sex, sex comes as a result of good relationships.
As the saying goes, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Your husband's shown you the same picture many times over.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
What makes you think the problem is your husband is bored? And if it is, why do you think it's up to you to fix his problem? If it's his problem he's the one responsible for fixing it, in fact, he's the only one who can. What efforts is he making to change things or improve your situation?
Why would you give a guy who has a history of fooling around a trip to a massage parlor and a strip club?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"