Don't know if we're gonna make it....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Don't know if we're gonna make it....
50
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 8:20pm
I need help. Today I had the realization that an actress on a show that my bf likes to watch all the time was a name I had seen on his computer (long time ago). I flipped out when I realized who it was. (All stemming back to porn suspicion, but this was when I found the porn and crap when he hid it) I flipped out at him too because I didn't like the fact that he seems to be into all these beautiful women and don't know what I trust him looking at anymore...
I can't stand him watching angelina jolie movies cuz he used to look up crap on her too. I don't even like watching one of our favorite shows we used to watch together all the time because there's sexy scenes in it all the time.
He says he doesn't know if he can handle my insecurity and I don't know if I can handle this either. This stuff did not bother me as much before the porn issue, if we watched a show with whoever in it, it didn't affect me like this, but I am a mess now and I don't know if I can handle myself anymore in dealing with this.
He lied to me before when I thought he was the one person that never would, did something I felt so disgusted with that he already KNEW I hated and even said because of "LOVE" he wouldn't need to but did anyway... Now I feel threatened even opening a magazine and seeing women who I don't know if he's looked up, looked up porn on, seen porn on, or just likes to check them out cuz they're hot....a stupid magazine I used to buy all the time which I put down only a few minutes later because all the reminders literally made me feel sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.
I'm just a mess....please help...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:12am

Hey Quirky_girl, you're really struggling, and I'm really sorry for that. You need to know that what you're feeling isn't abnormal with what you've experienced. You're looking for a stable place to base your judgments on and there aren't any. How can you possibly know what to trust and what not to trust when all you have to judge by is what he says and the knowledge that he's said it before and lied. Your base is anything but solid, it's very, very unsturdy right now. The truth is, Quirky, that this may be more than your relationship can stand. Like you said, he's shattered your belief, made you realize that your relationship never was what you thought it was. That, along with your previous issues may well prove to be more than you can overcome, or more than you want to take a chance on. Given that this is such an important issue for you and that he deceived you from the beginning, I can't say that if I were in your shoes I'd want to continue the relationship; I don't know that it could ever be what it once was or what it should be.


Quirky, I really think you need some help dealing with this. I'd urge you to see a therapist or counselor to help you through this. Do you have a therapist that you see or is there one from your past that you could check in with? There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling, but you need some help getting it all under control and getting a handle on. Turning into a wreck isn't helping you, and you deserve some peace.


Give me an update, Quirky, let me know how you're doing, I'm concerned about you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:21am

Hon, do you know where your insecurities are stemming from? You appear to be blaming your partner and what he did for the insecurity you now feel, but nobody can take away our self esteem without our permission.

Have you got any idea why you are feeling so threatened by these TV models? What are you afraid will happen if your boyfriend sees them on TV? Is there any relevant history in your life that may be causing this?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:33am

Oh, Aisha, sorry I've been neglectful. Here are Quirky's past posts:


Healing from Porn?
His move or mine?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:43am

So you know where I'm coming from....


I think this is less about insecurity per se and more along the lines of a betrayal, just as much so as if he'd had an affair. He knew where she stood on porn, she'd made that clear and he (apparently) indicated agreement. For a year the relationship went forward and grew, only to find that on this issue that is very important to her, he had lied and been using porn behind her back. The rug's been pulled out from under her, she doesn't know what she can trust with him and what she can't and all she got to use to judge it with is the same judgment that though he was okay the first time. What she knows is he's demonstrated himself to be a liar, and that she doesn't know what she can trust him on, if anything at all. All she knows is the relationship she had never was what she thought it was and the guy she thought she could trust implicitly was deceiving her the whole time.


Since she had porn-related issues as a child, she's more sensitive to it and probably this recent incident has triggered the feelings from her previous incident to come back up, not helping anything at all.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 10:27am

Hi cl-2nd, you're just the shoulder I've been looking for...I am in therapy every week right now and I think being in it is bringing a lot of these feelings out more however I feel like my therapist thinks that the relationship was strong and that the porn issue is something most guys are into...

See, if I told you all my life story you would retract in horror. You would say "wow is that a horror flick or someone's life?" I thought that my experiences would make me stronger, they only made me so much more sensitive to anyone's imperfections. Yes my experience did involve someone that I should have been able to implicitly trust along with the disappearance of my Victoria's Secret catalogues and that connection makes me sick to think about it.

Right now I feel like all these feelings have been there but they are coming to the surface. My bf hasn't really let me express how I feel, I've only been able to wonder and every now and then slip a hint of my insecurity which he would always get mad at me for, but now I'm not hiding my anger, my hurt anymore, it's all coming out like an infection in a wound that's been closed up and I don't know if it is going to mean the end of our relationship.

I wanted to believe there was someone out there I could trust. This man was perfect to me, possessed every quality I've ever looked for in a man. He knew from the beginning how damaged I was and I asked him to take the utmost care of my trust. He was supposed to be my Prince Charming, my Knight in Shining Armour, the one who would make me feel the safest, the one who would never lie or deceive me, and he did. When we met I was vibrant, full of life, outgoing...with the progression of doubts (see I had them when I first brought it up - the porn, placed trust in him that he was doing what he said, still had suspicions and my suspicions were only confirmed). All that talk about being in a good relationship and being in love was a complete lie from his lips. He has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen and the thought of them looking at these other women with lust just made me feel sick...and still does. There was so much crap on his computer that I felt like instead of being my Prince Charming he was like this person who had this dark side and hid it all from me.

He said he started using it because when he was married before sex was very infrequent. His excuse is that he is a very sexual person and that was his only way of releasing it. He said his x knew about the porn, used to even watch it with him and didn't care. Somehow I find it hard to believe that she knew of everything that was on his computer. Anyway, he continued to use it because it became a "habit". He lied to me when I would see searches saying his friend had been over and that he would look things up. I wanted to believe him but knew it wasn't true. He really can't seem to lie to my face, his eyes are very telling and I confronted him and he would always be shifty-eyed. This was almost halfway into our relationship. Since my mistrust had started even way back in the beginning and I needed more than anything to believe him, it hurt that he was still doing crap behind my back. He said it was only a bad habit, he looked at women that looked like me and that he would change it because he didn't realize it was SUCH a big deal to me or that it hurt me so much. He said it was never a big deal to him. He said he continued because our relationship was not as healthy (because of my insecurity already) and that was another excuse. I felt like he knew how it bothered me...
I've realized that I am incredibly angry at him. I started writing a letter after I read the forgiveness link and so far it's about 6 pages long with very strong anger. I don't know if I'm just letting things come out now after they've been locked away for so long or if I'm letting a monster form in me. I have found that indeed my anger is from the fact that he was supposed to be the best man I'd ever met, the one who would never hurt me so badly after he knew my previous hurts and I am so angry that he betrayed me like this. I don't know if maybe I feel the need to be victimized either since that's what I've felt my entire life. I am so jealous that those beautiful eyes were ever laid on someone else's body because he said he only had "eyes" for me... :o(

I don't know if we're making progress. I'm in therapy trying to deal with this along with all the other crap in my life. I have two small children who I am trying to keep it together for, but I feel like I've completely fallen apart. I am living and going through the motions and I feel like a complete shell of a person. I am back on anti-anxiety meds which I had gone off of for a very long time and was doing very well without. He's agreed not to be angry when I bring things up however I know that my anger and hurt is so deep that he may not even be able to handle how upset I am and not get mad. I usually talk to him when I can keep things even-keel.
I can't handle him watching a preview with Paris Hilton in it now because he watched her sex video, I can't handle him looking at Angelina Jolie cuz he looked up porn on her, I can't handle when a naked or partially naked woman comes up on the screen or looking at my home page and seeing some other chic who is super sexy and wondering if he wouldn't just like to go "check her out" some more...
I know my situation is very different from someone else's. But I cannot make my feelings something they are not. Even with my x-husband, I trusted him where this was concerned. I really did. Yes I had problems with jealousy but eventually they were non-existent because I really felt like I could trust him. We just had a lot of other issues we couldn't seem to work through but I valued and still value that implicit trust I had in him that I don't even have now with the man of my dreams.

We were supposed to go away this weekend and right now I don't know if I even want to. I do because it's his gesture of love towards me. He's surprising me, I don't know what it is or where we're going but he's doing something big for me and I want to go, I want to be with him, but these feelings are so strong that in a lot of ways I feel like I can't even be close to him. The honesty in our relationship has died and I don't know how to get it back. He was my best friend and now he feels like a stranger to me. Right now I feel like maybe I even want a break from him because I'm driving him crazy in trying to figure out how to deal with this. I don't know if this relationship can be salvaged though I want it to more than anything in the world. I'm dealing the best way I can and I don't know if by holding onto him, hoping that somehow these feelings will heal is going to happen. I don't know if it's too early on in the game to see the outcome. He has said that he is sorry and that he has possibly ruined the best thing he ever had, that he may have messed up what he had with the greatest person he's ever been with...I want it to work but my Prince Charming turned out to be just the red blooded American male with a dark side he hid from me.
I wish someone could tell me things were going to be ok, that because he loves me so much and is willing to show more love to me that things were going to be ok. He knows exactly what I feel now and about what and to what extent and I believe that he's not doing anything because he royally screwed up and I think he's really afraid to screw up again but I am so AFRAID to give my trust back to him, to reach a point of comfort because I can't fathom being hurt again like this by him.
I don't know if I should let go of the one person I feel I've been looking for my entire life, the one person who I felt completed me in every single way, the one who would help to heal all the wounds of my past, the one person who seemed to understand my every dream, hope, fear, the one person I could relate to in a way I could never relate to any other human being I've ever met and shared a closeness no other relationship could even compare to. I've dated a ton of people and never have met someone like him. We clicked in a way that most people search their whole lives to find...
This is torture, yes I'm a mess but I'm getting by and I know I'm a survivor and one way or the other I will go on, I just don't know if I should go on with or without him. I have faced tragedy most people will never see in a lifetime and I'm not a quitter, but my soulmate who I loved in an incomparable way...I don't know if I can even have him now and I know that any person I am ever with again will pale in comparison to what I had with him. He was absolutely everything I ever wanted in a man, literally like he walked out of a dream. I told him I used to have a dream of a man I was so close to in every way but he didn't have a face - I would wake up in the morning with a sense of longing because there was this faceless, nameless person who I felt so close to only I didn't even know who he was. I told him that he became that face when he walked into my life.
I know this is incredibly long but I'm pouring my heart out to anyone that will listen because there are some places I can at least be completely honest about everything.
Well, gotta go force my way through some more of this day. I know eventually this cloud over me has to come to an end and I don't know if he's going to be in the picture when it does. I can't imagine letting him go, someone tell me it's going to be ok, or maybe just your honest opinion even if it's not positive.

Brokenhearted

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:28pm
Just wanted to add another one of his reasons for the use of porn while we were together...he said he would use it when I would go out of town for a few days because he was missing me, meanwhile we would be having sex ALL the time and even if I couldn't be satisfied I always made sure he was REGULARLY - he seemed to want to live in a fantasy world and supposedly was looking at women that looked like me however didn't want to realize how it affected the reality of being with me which I could tell he was distant while it was going on...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:32pm
sorry to bump up but looking for responses...I know you're busy cl-2nd but you've been a life saver but anyone else is welcome to tell me what a nut they think I am...lol!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 4:45pm

oooh Quirky, do you think I've been too adament and kept other opinions from being posted?








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 6:30pm
NO NO! I meant I was specifically looking for your responses because you have been so kind in responding and listening to all this garbage! Even with your differences of opinion your feedback is very very helpful and you are very insightful! I am looking for anyone's feedback but I value yours very much! Please write as soon as you can!
Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 6:34pm

>>do you think I've been too adament and kept other opinions from being posted? <<

Well, your opinions are quite different to mine. However our differences are not preventing me from posting. Rather, I'm holding my opinions because I don't think they are what Quirky Girl wants to hear. (no offence implied or taken)

I'll just leave the two of you at it :-)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

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