what would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
what would you do?
9
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 11:45am
My husband and I had made the decision before we got married that we did not want to have any children. But I recently had a miscarriage, and had to have surgery to remove my left ovary and fallopian tube. (The Dr. says that I dont have alot of time before the endemetriosis affects my right ovary.) Now I want to have a baby more than anything and he dosent. He says that he is to old to start a family at this point in his life. He is 39, and I am 29. It is not like we are using any protection from getting pregnat, but it already took 6 yrs of not usning protection for me to get pregnant in the first place. Is it fair of me to keep asking this of him? I am afraid that this is going to ruin our relationship. Should I just let it go? or keep persuing the issue?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:09pm

I'm confused, Sunshine.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:36pm

My husband was 13 years older than me when we started having children and we still planned on having children even though he wasn't getting any younger but we're not together anymore (has nothing to do with that we both wanted kids).

I think cl-2nd is right that he never told you otherwise that he did want children. Does he say way he doesn't? Children are a joy beyond comparison in your life. I don't know if there's anyway to convince him that having a child is the most precious gift you could ever have in your life. I don't know if somehow conveying your feelings to him will help or not...

I understand your deep desire to have children and it's natural as a woman to want to experience motherhood. I'm the same age and I still want to have more children eventually.

I don't know how much you've pressed the issue but hopefully there will be a way that you can show him how important it is to you and that it's the most beautiful thing two people can share together.
Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:41pm

you write: "My husband and I had made the decision before we got married that we did not want to have any children. It already took 6 yrs of not usning protection for me to get pregnant in the first place. Is it fair of me to keep asking this of him? I am afraid that this is going to ruin our relationship. Should I just let it go? or keep persuing the issue?""

If he didn't want children, why didn't he get a vasectomy? (I'll bet he gets one now.) 6 yrs later, you say "Now I want to have a baby more than anything and he dosent." Unfortunately for you, he has not moved off of his initial position. When did you change your mind from your initial agreement and when did you make your feelings known before you got pregnant?

You have changed a fundamental, foundational agreement you had with him going into the marriage and now you want him to take part in something he does not want to do: be a parent. Yes, this will ruin your relationship if you continue to try to get pregnant when he has told you that he doesn't want children.

If you want children that badly, then you probably should consider divorce and finding a man who does want to have children. Your husband doesn't and it's not fair to force it on him when you agreed going into the marriage that you didn't want them, either. Having/not having children is a bottom line issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 1:00pm
When we became pregnat, we where not trying. It just happened. There was no deciet involved. Neither one of us where using protection, and hadnt since it never happened in the 6 yrs pror to this. When I found out I was pregnat, it was a huge surprise to both of us. I think now, he is scared. He was very happy before the miscarraige telling people we where pregnat. This is not an issue that I would trick, or lie about to get my own way. I am not that kind of person. He is just sending me mixed signals. He says he dosent want kids, but dosent use any protection. Dose that make sense, and if you relly dont want any babys, why say that if it happens, that is one thing and if it dosent well then it dosent?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 1:01am

Sounds like you were both sending mixed signals, both saying you didn't want kids but both participating in unprotected sex. Why did you do that?


I agree that it doesn't make sense for him to continue to have unprotected sex if he doesn't want children. Since you feel this conflicts with what he says, I suggest you have a calm and serious discussion with him on the subject and ask him that same question. I would also present the subject of his previous happiness about the pregnancy, discussing the issues, his feelings then, his feelings now and exploring the possibility that he is afraid to go through the hurt of miscarriage again is the only way you're going to know what he's feeling and it's the only way you're going to get to the bottom of this issue and know what direction to go.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 1:12am

"Children are a joy beyond comparison in your life. I don't know if there's anyway to convince him that having a child is the most precious gift you could ever have in your life. I don't know if somehow conveying your feelings to him will help or not... "I strongly disagree with you on this, Quirky_girl. While a child may be the most precious gift you could ever have in your life, parenthood is not for everyone and the absolute love of a child is not at the top of everyone's list. Many, many people do not want children in their lives. That is their choice. And for them, they are better off not to have them than to be saddled with a child they don't want. Neither should any child have a parent that deep down the child knows does not want them. How awful it would be to persuade someone to have a child, then after the child is born have that person realize that their original feelings were correct, they do not want a child. It's not something you can take back.

I happen to know a few people in person as well as having met some on the board who had the experience of a parent who did not want to be a parent. Most of these people were treated well and had an "all right" childhood, but knew very early in life that their mother (or father) didn't like children, didn't want a child and didn't want to be a parent. Not a great way for a child to grow up. I had a boyfriend who at the age of 32 was great with kids, loved my kids to death but did not want any of his own. He simply was not interested in having children. Being great with kids does not necessarily equate into wanting children of your own. Like most things in life, it's a choice and if it's not your preference, it is absolutely not something you should be coaxed or pressured into.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 1:34am
I have to admit you are right cl. I suppose I would have to see from that perspective that you do not want to bring a child into a relationship where it may possibly not be wanted. That would be very tragic.
However I do not understand the dh's excitement in telling people of the pregnancy if there was a true deep seated desire to not have children.
My x and his x ended their marriage because he wanted children and she didn't. It can pull people apart and your feelings would be valid if you wanted to leave to find someone you can have a child with. It would be sad that you could not do it with the person you love.
I will say that both of my children were accidents and I wasn't ready for either of them. Though I had eventually planned on having them they came LONG before I wanted them too. But again, I DID want to have children and even in having them before I planned on having them it was extremely difficult and challenging.
I really hope that the two of you can find a way of working this out because it would be sad to leave a marriage because you want to share something so beautiful with someone you love. Best wishes to you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 4:05pm

you write: "When we became pregnat, we where not trying. It just happened. There was no deciet involved."

(P.S. it's spelled *pregnant*)

Who said you were being deceitful?

I agree that if one truly doesn't want children, they should get themselves sterilized to ensure that a pregnancy does not occur--which is why I agree that your husband's behavior is questionable. It could be he was riding a high of sorts when he found out, but having gone through the loss of the baby, it was a stark wakeup call to him about what exactly he wanted.

I would put the onus on him: if he doesn't want children, then he should make an appointment to get a vasectomy because what will happen is he will remain ambivalent about having/not having children until you get pregnant and once the baby arrives, he will withdraw from both you and the child citing that you knew going into the marriage that he didn't want children---he was just making you happy in spite of what would make him happy. And since he's on the record saying he didn't want children, you can't then say "well I didn't know.. you said this, you said that"... bottom line: you knew going into the marriage he didn't want children.

As I said in my last post, if having a child is THAT important to you, this man is not the man to have a child by--it would not be fair to that child to be born to someone as ambivalent about its existence as your husband is. Every child deserves two parents who want them in their lives more than the next breath they draw.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 4:11pm

well said, 2nd Life... I can think of no more horrendous existence than to be born to someone who makes it clear that they didn't want you, but will begrudgingly fulfill their legal obligation to providing the barest of requirements for your upbringing.




Edited 10/13/2005 4:12 pm ET by quenek