what would you do?
Find a Conversation
what would you do?
| Wed, 10-12-2005 - 11:45am |
My husband and I had made the decision before we got married that we did not want to have any children. But I recently had a miscarriage, and had to have surgery to remove my left ovary and fallopian tube. (The Dr. says that I dont have alot of time before the endemetriosis affects my right ovary.) Now I want to have a baby more than anything and he dosent. He says that he is to old to start a family at this point in his life. He is 39, and I am 29. It is not like we are using any protection from getting pregnat, but it already took 6 yrs of not usning protection for me to get pregnant in the first place. Is it fair of me to keep asking this of him? I am afraid that this is going to ruin our relationship. Should I just let it go? or keep persuing the issue?

I'm confused, Sunshine.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
My husband was 13 years older than me when we started having children and we still planned on having children even though he wasn't getting any younger but we're not together anymore (has nothing to do with that we both wanted kids).
I think cl-2nd is right that he never told you otherwise that he did want children. Does he say way he doesn't? Children are a joy beyond comparison in your life. I don't know if there's anyway to convince him that having a child is the most precious gift you could ever have in your life. I don't know if somehow conveying your feelings to him will help or not...
I understand your deep desire to have children and it's natural as a woman to want to experience motherhood. I'm the same age and I still want to have more children eventually.
I don't know how much you've pressed the issue but hopefully there will be a way that you can show him how important it is to you and that it's the most beautiful thing two people can share together.
Good luck
you write: "My husband and I had made the decision before we got married that we did not want to have any children. It already took 6 yrs of not usning protection for me to get pregnant in the first place. Is it fair of me to keep asking this of him? I am afraid that this is going to ruin our relationship. Should I just let it go? or keep persuing the issue?""
If he didn't want children, why didn't he get a vasectomy? (I'll bet he gets one now.) 6 yrs later, you say "Now I want to have a baby more than anything and he dosent." Unfortunately for you, he has not moved off of his initial position. When did you change your mind from your initial agreement and when did you make your feelings known before you got pregnant?
You have changed a fundamental, foundational agreement you had with him going into the marriage and now you want him to take part in something he does not want to do: be a parent. Yes, this will ruin your relationship if you continue to try to get pregnant when he has told you that he doesn't want children.
If you want children that badly, then you probably should consider divorce and finding a man who does want to have children. Your husband doesn't and it's not fair to force it on him when you agreed going into the marriage that you didn't want them, either. Having/not having children is a bottom line issue.
Sounds like you were both sending mixed signals, both saying you didn't want kids but both participating in unprotected sex. Why did you do that?
I agree that it doesn't make sense for him to continue to have unprotected sex if he doesn't want children. Since you feel this conflicts with what he says, I suggest you have a calm and serious discussion with him on the subject and ask him that same question. I would also present the subject of his previous happiness about the pregnancy, discussing the issues, his feelings then, his feelings now and exploring the possibility that he is afraid to go through the hurt of miscarriage again is the only way you're going to know what he's feeling and it's the only way you're going to get to the bottom of this issue and know what direction to go.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
However I do not understand the dh's excitement in telling people of the pregnancy if there was a true deep seated desire to not have children.
My x and his x ended their marriage because he wanted children and she didn't. It can pull people apart and your feelings would be valid if you wanted to leave to find someone you can have a child with. It would be sad that you could not do it with the person you love.
I will say that both of my children were accidents and I wasn't ready for either of them. Though I had eventually planned on having them they came LONG before I wanted them too. But again, I DID want to have children and even in having them before I planned on having them it was extremely difficult and challenging.
I really hope that the two of you can find a way of working this out because it would be sad to leave a marriage because you want to share something so beautiful with someone you love. Best wishes to you...
you write: "When we became pregnat, we where not trying. It just happened. There was no deciet involved."
(P.S. it's spelled *pregnant*)
Who said you were being deceitful?
I agree that if one truly doesn't want children, they should get themselves sterilized to ensure that a pregnancy does not occur--which is why I agree that your husband's behavior is questionable. It could be he was riding a high of sorts when he found out, but having gone through the loss of the baby, it was a stark wakeup call to him about what exactly he wanted.
I would put the onus on him: if he doesn't want children, then he should make an appointment to get a vasectomy because what will happen is he will remain ambivalent about having/not having children until you get pregnant and once the baby arrives, he will withdraw from both you and the child citing that you knew going into the marriage that he didn't want children---he was just making you happy in spite of what would make him happy. And since he's on the record saying he didn't want children, you can't then say "well I didn't know.. you said this, you said that"... bottom line: you knew going into the marriage he didn't want children.
As I said in my last post, if having a child is THAT important to you, this man is not the man to have a child by--it would not be fair to that child to be born to someone as ambivalent about its existence as your husband is. Every child deserves two parents who want them in their lives more than the next breath they draw.
well said, 2nd Life... I can think of no more horrendous existence than to be born to someone who makes it clear that they didn't want you, but will begrudgingly fulfill their legal obligation to providing the barest of requirements for your upbringing.
Edited 10/13/2005 4:12 pm ET by quenek