My boyfriend flipped out!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
My boyfriend flipped out!!!
9
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 1:47pm

My bf and I have been having some communication issuues. He is awfully jealous of every guy who talks to me , even his own friends. I have been loyal to him to the core. Im not a flirty girl, but I get along well with his friends. He has made comments before, and I have tried to set him straight, and he gets over it. Or so I thought. Usually he is so good to me, but he acts suspicious all the time, and makes it sound like he doesnt trust me, yet when I say "are you saying Im a liar?" he says I never said that, I dont mean that. He is so good to me, but he is jealous, and paranoid. It kills me he feels this way. I want to work this out with him. Period. Anyway, here is what happened.

I was with him all weekend and we had a great time. Sunday night we were by his friend Mikes place, and Mike came back with us to my bf's house to hang out for a bit. No big deal. Mike and I have alot in common and we talk, no flirting. My bf started fallin' asleep and I said do you want me to take Mike home. Well my bf woke up and all 3 of us were hanging out some more... Mike said he needed to get home, so I stood up and said okay, Ill take you home...got in the car, and next thing I know my bf is with us. No big deal, we all talked and joked on the way. We dropped Mike off and my bf was quiet, so I was quiet. He finally loses it and says, odd that you have nothing to say now that Mike is gone. I said you got quiet too, so I was just being quiet. He starts yelling things like how could u ask to take him home? He's my friend, and I will see to it that he gets home. Who are you to assume etc.... I was floored, then he digs up every issue we ever had, and was saying things like. I have had it, its really over this time etc... I was like if thats what you want. Although I was crying, and trying to get him to calm down.

I never thought it was about his friend Mike, I looked at it as him holding in a bunch of lil things. To make a long story short I asked him if he would like me to leave (it was 3am) and he says why do you always ask stupid questions... I went to bed, and a few hours later he came in and cuddled up next to me. I figured I would leave the next day (considering we were over according to him) but he made breakfast and we spent the day together. He was a bit distant, but kissed me and everything seemed ok considering. Im confused. We obviously didnt break up, maybe he was just mad. Who knows.

He obviously felt threatened and is jealous. I talked with another mutual friend of ours and she said that for some reason he is really jealous of you and Mike cuz we get along so well. What can I do? I want my bf to know I only care about him. Im not interested in his freinds. Im not an overly affectionate person, and maybe I need to be when he's around. Im leery of bringing up the subject with him cuz I dont want it to turn into a big argument. How should I handle it? Love him up even more? We need to talk, but I know some guys hate that...its more like leave the fight in the past...its as if he wanted to forget the whole thing. Do I let it go and try to show him more affection and when friends are around sit closer to him and etc? This is a guy who dated a girl for 10 years and was engaged only to find out she had been cheating on him for years. I have never cheated on anyone. So I understand his fears, but.... Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:04pm

Welcome back, Chunkagunk ~ Because I'm at work I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and of course recognized your name. I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so that others have the benefit of better understanding and insight of your relationship and, as a result are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions.


Need advice....BADLY


Many posters find it very helpful to re-read their old posts, in doing so they can often recognize growth - or lack of it in their relationship and often see their issues more clearly as they aren't in the middle of the emotion as they were when they posted them originally. I hope they help you, too.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:30pm
Hi chunkagunk,
I want to tell you that your bf is extremely vulnerable, and terrified. His trust was shattered before and he is afraid to give it again. I am dealing with trust issues in my own relationship. He is afraid to let you know just how afraid he is and as a result he is getting angry at situations that before may have never given him reason to be suspicious and now he is self-defensive, in super self-preservation mode to not get burned again. Both my bf and I have had insecurities, I of course more than he because he betrayed me.
As long as he is not hurting you or his anger is out of control, it has unfortunately fallen on you to prove to him that someone out there is capable of being trustworthy. I am in therapy for dealing with this trust right now. It's a process that takes time to build up again and I'm at the point of not knowing whether it will happen. I just freaked out on my bf yesterday about a person not even present in his life so I can understand his vulnerability and fear.
I think in his heart of hearts he feels like he can trust you and doesn't want to let you go on the chance that you are being faithful to him. However he is deathly afraid too. Both my bf and I have made efforts to show we are trustworthy because we both have insecurities and sometimes self-esteem issues but I think we are very similar and understand each other's need to be reassured (although his effort is needed now more than mine but that's a whole different story).
If you love him and like I said if his anger is not completely out of control try to find some compassion that it is pain and fear he is experiencing and it has nothing to do with you per se because you have done nothing to show yourself untrustworthy. I would even say try backing off from your friendship with his friend for a while and if he needs to be driven home let your bf do it. Yes be affectionate with him and respect his fears, but if it gets out of control or to the point where you can't deal with it then either you have to get out or he has to seek help. Try making more of an effort to show even when you're around other guys that you want to give him your attention, when he is talking look at him and really show him that he is the center of your attention not some other person when they're around. I'm not saying ignore the other person but make sure it's a situation where he feels like he's still the one you are in love with.
There has been times when my bf thought I was looking at some other guy and got jealous, or we went to aclub and I went to the bathroom and he thought that I was outside with this other guy who he thought liked me (was with a group of my friends), or even when we've been out with his friends and I have been very friendly and talkative with his guy friends he got really distant though I have no interest in his friends. When we're out with friends I always make an effort to let him know he's the one I want to look at, in conversations I make it a group discussion and not a discussion between me and another guy...little ways that I think he doesn't even realize that I have done to show him he doesn't have anything to worry about and I honestly believe he does now.
Take your time and be patient with him because he does want to be with you but is afraid of disclosing the true impact and fear of his prior betrayal. Just don't let it get out of control.
Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:39pm
that link of my prior post is an old boyfriend. This is someone I heve been with since the summer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 11:28pm

If I were in your situation, I'd dump him and run. I would never tolerate someone yelling at me. Nor would I tolerate jealousy if I had been faithful. To be honest, I can't get my head around you still being with him after what he said to you....and without even an apology from him.

My theory about dating is that it's a way to find someone who is perfect for you. People talk about relationships needing work, but this really only applies to marriage. In dating, it's simple - if it doesn't work easily, then it's not meant to be.

Find someone who doesn't have any baggage....life will be so much easier. If he can sort out his issues, perhaps give him another chance, but it's not up to you to try and fix him. They are his problems and he should take the initiative to sort them out.

Find someone who is always nice to you and trusts you. You deserve nothing less.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 11:55pm

Sorry Aisha but I don't necessarily agree with you. I'm not sure how much you've experienced in your life but that doesn't matter. I think it depends on how much you care about the person. You're right dating does serve as a way to find the one you're wanting to be with and if she is dating him just to date that's one thing but if she's serious about him that's a whole different story. Dating is the prequel to marriage, we are all looking for love, right? Not a flash in the pan. We are all looking for honesty, stability, passion, loyalty...all the things which many many people get burned on these days. We all have our baggage in one way or another and there are ALWAYS going to be things that need to be worked on. If you had a serious issue with who knows what and someone just decided to bag you wouldn't you feel even more burned? I know not everyone can deal with anyone else's baggage. It is the commitment and the level the relationship is at to know if the good outweighs the bad and if it's worth battling issues and these things can be dealt with while dating.
I've been married before, dated many many a person and I have learned a thing or two about relationships. There have definitely been people with whom I've gotten close to who do not have the capacity to understand what I have been through and there have been those who have fallen head over heels in love with me and who wanted to marry me despite my faults but if there is a level of true caring then I don't think it wrong to try to help ease the pain of someone who has been hurt. The reason I have understood my bf's jealousy or insecurity is because we have very similar backgrounds. We are both more sensitive to each other's faults and misgivings than someone else might be. We have more compassion for each other because we both know how the other has been hurt in the past.

Anyway, it all depends on where you stand chunkagunk. If you're deeply invested in the relationship then it would be worth it to try and help him work through things. However Aisha's right that you should NEVER tolerate him treating you badly. However if you're not deeply invested, then I agree with Aisha and you should run for the hills girl...!!! (I wouldn't even wish my own baggage on someone else!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 12:43am

Quirky girl, I'm 38 and therefore not inexperienced when it comes to dating. I too have one failed marriage and I've made mistakes which I've learned from.

These days, I'm with a wonderful man. Our relationship is a great one where no work needs to be done. You say that there are ALWAYS things that need to be worked on, but you're wrong. DH and I don't need to work on anything - we just fit together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Likewise, not everyone has baggage...DH has never had any and I've dealt with mine (sex abuse in my early teens). We've now been together for 13 years and it's been a very easy and pleasant ride.

We also have two kids, one of which is autistic. You may not be aware, but the odds of a marriage failure with an autistic child are very high. It's 8:10 chance of failure. The fact that we not only have survived autism but our relationship has thrived is testament to the fact that I do know what I'm doing when looking for a partner. I hate to think what autism would have done to our relationship if we'd had underlying issues.

The perfect, easy relationship does exist, it's just a matter of not settling for less.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 1:15am

Aisha I'm not trying to pick a fight and if you have an easy perfect relationship I'd say you are in the very very small minority of couples that do. Even the strongest couple I've ever met had issues with communication. Of course maybe not major issues but issues nonetheless. I would really not believe it if you said you never argued. Every couple I have ever known has argued or has disagreements whether they've felt they are with the perfect mate or not.

I too have a child that is very developmentally disabled and believed him to be autistic when he was a baby and my marriage did fail.

All I am saying is that baggage exists. Suffering exists. The modern condition exists. We don't have to baby people but love demands sometimes that we respond to another's needs in some way otherwise what is love then? Do you not sacrifice much for the sake of your autistic child? Your child will never have a normal life and may never be accepted by society just as mine may not and I know that I want him to be loved and accepted despite his disabilities. It isn't his fault that he was born with this problem. It isn't our fault either that we suffer through circumstances we are unable to control or how they affect us for that matter. But these children once they grow up will clearly be different through no fault of their own, they will have issues someone may or may not want to deal with and you and I both know as mothers that we have a very difficult path ahead of us in protecting our children from a world that doesn't easily accept "different" or "disabled" children. Do you want someone to reject or push away your child because of something that was completely out of his/her control. I would say not. I'm not saying autism is the same as mistrust but I don't know of any perfect soul out there. All I'm saying is that compassion is necessary if you love someone, if you are willing to accept their faults or even disabilities whether emotional or physical because the results of what they are experiencing are nothing they had control over to begin with. I don't think if you see warning signs early on that you should continue to fall for someone but love requires a completely different agenda.

Changing subjects, honestly I'm amazed that you experienced sexual abuse and do not have any issues whatsoever with trust. If that is the case please tell me how you dealt with it because I would like to feel that way also, and I'm not being sarcastic. I really would like to know how to not feel emotional pain from my experience.

Aisha, we may be butting heads but I agree to disagree with you where love is concerned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 1:44am
not wanting to hijack the O/P's thread. I'm moving this conversation to the "something to talk about folder"
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 3:27am

Chunkagunk, this isn't a communication problem and this isn't your problem. It isn't due to anything you've done, you haven't caused a thing and therefore, there's nothing you can do about it. You said your boyfriend's previous girlfriend cheated on him and that is the cause for his mistrust, which is entirely possible and likely. What I don't hear you say is what your boyfriend is doing about his problem. Is he seeking counseling for it? If not, he's not doing anything to deal with is emotional baggage and unload it so that he's free to have relationships without it. Until and unless he's willing to deal with it in a very real way (saying he's sorry, he won't do it again or promising to "get better" about it won't cut it) with a professional counselor or therapist he will continue to act this way and he'll continue to terrorize you, question you, suspect you and accuse you. You can't love him more to get him out of it, you can't prove to him that you aren't or wont cheat on him, it's not you -- it's him. There is one thing you could do that would make this end, never speak to or look at another man again. That wouldn't solve your boyfriend's problem, but it would take away any possibility of your boyfriend thinking you're thinking of another guy. And frankly, I would hope you're not willing to even consider living that kind of life. Being verbally attacked is not acceptable. Being accused and suspected is not acceptable. Having to feel that behaving in a normal, polite or friendly way with half of the world's population (male) is not acceptable or reasonable. You should not feel that you cannot treat male friends and acquaintances any way other than the way you've always treated them, the way you're comfortable dealing with them, the way that's right, normal and natural to you. You should not have to adapt your behavior or your life one bit, you've done nothing. This is your boyfriend's issue to resolve and quite frankly, I would strongly suggest you tell him that until he's successfully successfully completed therapy, you're not willing to consider continuing the relationship. The fact that he makes these accusations, reacts with threats, derogatory comments and announcements that the relationship is over should be enough to tell you there's more drama in this relationship than you need, but to do it and move on as though nothing happened, no apology, no discussion, no nothing is demeaning and disrespectful (as if the entire incident isn't demeaning and disrespectful enough). Not a good scene, Chunkagunk.


Again, you didn't cause this issue, you can't fix it. It's completely up to your boyfriend to fix and I'm not hearing any indication that he's so much as considering that.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together



Edited 10/13/2005 3:29 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"