new to this board (intro & prob)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
new to this board (intro & prob)
5
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 3:51pm

My name is Angie. My DH and I have been friends since Elementary school and started dating in 9th grade (1992). We had our first DS in 1999 and moved in together at that time. In 2002 we had our second DS. In September of 2004, we found out we were expecting for a third time, but lost our third DS at Christmas time. We were finally married October 16, 2004.

In the 13 years we've been together, we have had many rocky times. We split up several times (sometimes to see other people), but always came back to each other. Even after we had our first DS, we had some bad moments and almost called it quits, but somehow managed to pull through in the end.

Since the loss of our DS #3, we've been having some trouble again. I've noticed a serious lack of communication. On my part because he never seems to validate my fears, concerns, etc. and on his part because he never opens up. He gets visibly angry, but refuses to let me in. I've been deeply wounded by the loss of our baby but he doesn't see that loss the same way I do. To me, it was my baby.... my child, loved as much as my first two. To him, it was a pregnancy that "just didn't work out". I feel so alone in my pain and he feels like I've become obessessed with "this thing". I want to be close to him, I want to have a loving relationship with him, but his attitude towards me is cutting me off sort of...

Our sex life is so off too! I have no libido at all and he's insane with need. Also, since I lost our baby, I feel this need to have another one. Not to replace my DS #3, but because I really just love being a mother and especially now, I have a gaping hole in my heart that can only be filled with a child. If I am the agressor for sex, he says I'm just in it for the pregnancy. If I don't try, he claims I don't pay any attention to him and that "I guess you're just not that kind of person. Don't worry, I'll get used to it." I can't win! I've tried to talk to him about this. And our "mismatched libidos" have been an issue for about 7 years now. I want to please him, but I constantly feel pawed at and pushed into sex instead of swooned and coddled. He feels the opposite. How do we meet in the middle? How do I get him to validate my pain and need since the loss of my baby? How do I get him to tell me what he needs from me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 11:42pm

Agoudy, I'm so sorry for the loss of your child.

Have you been to grief counselling? I too have miscarried at 3 months and while I felt more like your husband does (it simply wasn't meant to be), I understand that others have a very different and painful reaction. Please seek some help so that you can learn to cope with this terrible pain. Your husband may never be able to understand the pain that you are going through, however, at the very least he should be working accepting that you do feel pain and offer the assistance that you need.

It's very understandable that your libido is low at present. Our libidos are very often a barometer for what is going on in the relationship. If the relationship has problems, very often the first thing to suffer is your libido.

At this point, I believe that counselling is your best option. Both grief and marriage counselling. There is nothing you can do to make him open up if he doesn't want to - but through counselling he may learn to express himself more clearly. And he may learn to listen to you.

The only thing I would caution you on is to not have another baby until you get your marriage under control. I understand that another child is what you want, but bringing a child into an unstable relationship is terribly unfair on the child. In this situation, I would suggest that you put the interests of the child before your own.

good luck.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 12:42am

Aisha, I have to say, on this one I agree with you 100%

I think you need to deal with the grief and loss you're feeling first before you rush into trying to have another baby. I think it would benefit both of you to go into counseling. Sometimes it seems a spouse's words are like water off a ducks back whereas a third objective, unbiased party can make something sink in a little deeper.

Communication is key in every relationship. Even the best and strongest couples I know have communication issues and it's something we need to improve but we have to learn how. My x and I seemed to be speaking 2 different languages most of the time. I went to counseling, he didn't, now we're no longer together even though we both feel we're great people. Something went seriously awry and I believe it all stemmed from communication, or the lack thereof.

I have never experienced a miscarriage but I know the feeling of pregnancy and having children and I can understand how losing your pregnancy would be detrimental. You are the one who carried the children and you have a closer connection to your children from the time they were even conceived because it is an experience your body goes through which prepares you for having another child. Everything about you was preparing to have another baby, another addition to your family. The child growing in your belly's heart was already beating and you being pregnant are acutely aware of the life growing within you. Men cannot relate to that. Their day doesn't revolve around pregnancy as ours does from day one, what we should eat, not eat, what pills to take or not take, what is the utmost care I can take care of myself in order to take care of the child inside me? They can feel a kick every now and then and see the child once he enters the world but it is clearly an entirely different experience for the mother. Your feelings are very real to feel the loss of a child and should not be considered anything less and if you're not able to convey this to your husband I think you need intervention from therapy.

I do agree with Aisha though that you should not rush into being pregnant again. Give yourself the time to mourn the loss of your child. You need to heal from that first and foremost and you also need to establish a line of communication with your husband somehow.

As for the libido issue it's true that women's libidos respond to their emotional state and when you're not feeling loved and respected then you're not going to feel sexual. It is clear that he is not giving you the emotional support you need in order to feel comfortable sexually and I think that you should speak up in how you feel so you don't continue to feel used in any way. I have read somewhere that where sex is concerned men see it as a confirmation of love, women see emotional support as a confirmation of love and in turn feel more sexually inclined however both parties must contribute to the reciprocation of each other's needs in order for both to feel wanted, needed, secure and loved in the relationship.

I hope this helps somehow. Best of luck to you and please keep us posted. I do hope that you find some comfort in dealing with your loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 4:12am

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried my first pregnancy at nine weeks, and while it wasn't much time at all and I tried to convince myself like your husband says, that "it wasn't really anything", that wasn't the case, it was quite devastating for me. You have to deal with the pain that you feel, stuffing it and pretending it doesn't exist doesn't work if that's not how you truly feel. Your husband doesn't have to understand or agree with your feelings to accept and respect them, though it doesn't sound like he does. I suspect perhaps he was "patient" for a time, then, when he felt it was time to be over it, he expected you to move on. I also suspect that perhaps you weren't able to really allow yourself to deal with the loss and grieve like you wanted and needed to, I'm guessing you held back around your kids and sucked it in to some degree around your husband, considering his thoughts on it. Am I close?


It sounds like your libido differences aren't libido differences at all and while it may have escalated after the death of your baby, it's been a problem for a lot longer than that. As you said, when you constantly feel pawed at and pushed into sex you don't feel open and accepting to sex, you put up barriers and block unwanted and unwelcome advances. It's hard to get "in the mood" when you're being pawed and basically feel mauled and attacked. I'm sure you've talked to your husband and let him know that women typically need things to progress slowly, that they need time to warm up to sexual desire. I've heard it explained two ways: 1. Men are like microwaves, ready in seconds women are like crockpots, they build slowly. 2. Men need to think of initiating sex with a woman like they drive their cars. He wouldn't start up his prize car and jam the gas pedal to the floor, he'd start it up, let it idle for a bit, then give it gas a little at a time. They need to initiate sex the same way.


What I really think though, is that your issues have gone on for so long and have escalated to the point that it's really necessary to get some outside help to deal with them. I think there's been enough non-understanding, frustration and conflict for so long that you've gone beyond a point where you can discuss this and resolve it yourselves. If that were possible, you'd have done that long ago and wouldn't still be struggling with it now. If you need help finding a couples counselor or therapist to help you the following articles from our Information and resources section might be helpful to you:

REFERRALS FOR A QUALIFIED THERAPIST
YOUR THERAPIST/COUNSELOR'S CREDENTIALS

Please be sure that any therapist or counselor you use for couples or marriage counseling is licensed in a field of couples therapy, it is very important. If your husband won't see a therapist with you, go on your own, there's a lot of help to be gained from seeing a therapist on your own, and a lot of effect it can have on your marriage. Definitely worth it, you'll benefit tremendously. I would also strongly urge you to seek out a group where you can get some support and understanding for the loss you're dealing with. Local hospitals, mortuaries, and libraries should have lists of area groups. You can also check the Compassionate Friends website for more information, help and groups in your area. Dealing with your loss is important, dealing with it with others who understand your grief will be immensely helpful to you. Another article that may be helpful to you is
The 5 Stages of Grief .

Another iVillage board that can offer you support and understanding in your loss is the
Pregnancy Loss board.


I'm sorry you're dealing with all this, it has to be hard to be shouldering so much and dealing with your children at the same time. Putting on a good front often isn't easy when you're struggling with your grief.







~ cl-2nd_life

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but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:50pm
You are so right with your guesses... I'll be looking into everything you suggested. Thank you so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 7:18pm

Agoudy, I know it's not as simple as getting a few suggestions to make things right and I know even with professional help changes take time. You've gone through a lot and are going through a lot, it's really tough. On top of that, you have problems and issues that were going on before your miscarriage.


Is your husband willing to get some counseling with you? Does he want to make some changes and work towards a better relationship? Let us know how you're doing and feel free to post with problems, concerns, or just to vent as often as you'd like/need to.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"