Going separate ways....
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| Wed, 10-12-2005 - 5:38pm |
What do you do when it seems that no matter what you do, your marriage is failing...all over.
I think I hold so much dislike for him for a few reasons, his parents are always constantly involved in our lives. When I have addressed this to him in the past he says they are his parents and can do what they want. I cant help but feel 2nd or 3rd place, like I don't count unless he needs me for something.
I have a love of animals and he doesnt, this is causing me so much stress. He spent 6 years with me and a cat (since died) and had allergies back then. Now his allergies (according to his doctor) are so bad that he cant be around any furred animals. Yet when we go to his brothers (1 dog and 1 cat) my sisters (3 cats) and my parents (1 cat) he has no symptoms. I have always had pets in my life and for me to spend the rest of my life without one, I just can't. It makes me sad. Dont get me wrong I know it would be hard on him but he is not willing to even try taking any medication for his allergies. I feel empty and I dont expect some people to understand.
It feels like I am constantly giving things up to be with him but he sacrifices nothing.
I'm depressed and I think about leaving because to be perfectly honest I'm tired of fighting.
There are so many other issues but these ones are the ones that I am thinking about most.
Has anyone got any suggestions?

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First of all, his parents can do what they like in their lives but NOT in yours. If they are sticking their noses into your marriage and he does nothing, I totally agree that you've got a right to be angry.
Regarding the animals.... I'm an allergy sufferer, so I do have sympathies with him. If he did have allergies to your cat, it's unlikely that they've gone away. In my experience, once you've got an allergy, you're allergic to that thing for life. Yes, antihisthamines can help a lot, but in my case, if I take them continually they stop working. I'm contstantly swapping between brands to try and find something to give me relief.
However, thinking back to your need for an animal, poodles are generally safe for people with allergies because they have wool and not fur. Perhaps this is an option for you? Or if a poodle is to 'girly' for him, what about a Spoodle (so cute!!) or Labradoodle? Anything that inherits the poodle fur should be OK for him.
Signing off, please don't ignore those other little problems that you hinted at. They are no longer insignificant when you add them all up.
Two questions before I leave: Have you done any marriage counselling? Have you got kids?
Welcome to the board, Cdasuize ~
I'm sorry for what you're going through, how you're feeling and the level of frustration, exhaustion (from fighting) and back seat you feel. I think it's perfectly understandable that you feel that way.
I completely agree with Aisha on the issue of his parents. They do have the right to do whatever they choose in their lives, but they do not have that right in yours. It seems that your husband is unwilling to do anything about it and apparently isn't bothered by it? If he's not willing to address it with them, and especially if he sides with them, it's not going to change. Have they always interfered in his life and in yours with him or has it just been since you got married? You have every right to feel you're in 2nd or 3rd place, you are if your husband feels they have the right to do as they please in your lives. That's not acceptable.
I can't really respond appropriately to the allergy issue. I agree with you that it seems odd that he has "terrible allergies" but can be around other people's pets for days at a time and not be affected. I would think that his reaction would be strong and immediate when he got around furred animals, but I don't know for certain that's what happens in every case. Have you done any research on allergies to find if it's normal to not react for days at a time to something you have a known and severe allergy to? Your doctor should know the answer to that, and his allergist certainly does. At any rate, from what you've said he's not willing to consider taking medications, which means that again in this case, like with his parent's interference, he's not at all considering or respecting your wants, needs and desires and instead is simply making choices based on what he wants, you have no say. How can you feel anything but unconsidered, uncared for, disrespected and disregarded? You are being unconsidered, uncared for, disrespected and disregarded! This may sound lame or obvious, but have you discussed these issues with him and let him know exactly how serious you feel about them? Do you feel you have a partnership in other areas or does he pretty much do whatever he wants, regardless of your input? And, as Aisha asked, have you considered marriage counseling?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you to both of you for taking the time to reply. It means a lot to me.
It just seems that with every decision we make, he always involves his parents in some way. We had a new concrete sidewalk poured not more then a month ago and his parents had to come over to take a look at it. Same thing with the central air, low and behold they show up one night to look at it. Now is that odd, or what? Both my parents are alive and live in the same city too and I dont call them to ask whats wrong with my toilet if it doesnt work...lol. He will call his dad for anything.
I have tried to suggest a dog which is close to being hypo alergenic (but they dont exist) and have done quite a lot of research. He said if I was to get a dog it would have to stay outside, no matter the size or breed. Well when winters go to -20 and summers can be hot...what do I do? Under no circumstances would it be allowed in the house. I have approached him with different options, was even willing to have a rabbit. But no....he says...no furred animals. So I guess I'd be safe with a fish...not even close to a pet. At my parents, brother in law or sisters, he doesnt sneeze, wheez, or get teary eyed. There are no signs. I know he does/did suffer with allergies because when we had a pet every once and a while he would have to use a puffer but that was maybe once a month.
We have gone through two rounds of counselling. I was accused of having an affair with a close friend, which I didnt and to this day he still believes I did (because my ex best friend told him that) Even the counsellor questioned why he showed no comforting when I was crying and sitting right next to him...he shrugged. We have no kids again something he decided. I wanted them after about 2 years of marriage and he wanted to wait, so 11 years later.......
Growing up his parent argued a lot. At one point before we got married, he even thought about moving in with me because his mom would constantly hound him and nagged him. So how he is now really surprises me. When we dated he would send me flowers, write poems..etc. After we got married, it all stopped. One day I asked about flowers and he said he didnt send them because he never got them. I guess he forgets the things I do, clean the entire house, take out the garbage, mow the yards, lunches, suppers, dishes (by hand) and work a 40 hour week. If I go out and see something he would like, even if its his fav chocolate bar, I'll get it, I still do. I guess I feel like I got stuck in this web and well he got me and now.....
It just feels like I constantly have to battle with him over what I'd like and I'm so tired. Most times I just give in, which I know isnt right but its like he's sucking the will out of me.
With the exception of his family, I agree that you've got some very serious issues to consider.
From how you've described the relationship with his parents, I don't see a problem. You haven't described interfering parents, rather, interested parents. Perhaps I feel this way because you've just described my relationship with my parents. I DO call my dad when my toilet is broken because he'll know how to fix it, and yes, I call them for lots of other things too. Mostly just to say "hello" but also when there's a problem. As a family, we support each other. And we'll often pop in to see what the other has done to the house. I thought that all good families were close like this. So, my question is: why does this type of family involvement bother you?
But family issues aside, it does seem that your relationship is very one sided. What came out of the counselling? How does he feel about the relationship?
I agree with Aisha that what you describe does not seem to be interference from his parents. It also seems that their visits are invited by your husband, that's not an interference, it's a request to visit. What is clear is that it's different than what you would prefer or want and that's a problem.
What I hear ringing repeatedly in your post is that he does not compromise, he does not consider your wants and needs, he's willing to do things his way, period. You are not considered, your wants and needs are not important and you do not have a partnership. I can completely understand why you'd be feeling the way you are.
It sounds like this relationship is all about him. He does what he wants, he calls the shots and you do the work and do without what you want and need. Why are you there? What's there for you? What makes you happy there? It sounds like you're waiting for things to change and get some of what makes you happy, but realistically, it doesn't sound like that's likely.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I guess I wasnt that clear about his parents and I apologize for that. I didnt say that they interfered, just that he involves them in our lives so much. There are also 2 other brothers, that dont let them into their lives to the degree that H has involved them in ours. I understand the involvement of parents in ones life but does this involve calling sometimes at 11 pm at night, for no other reason then to talk again...sometimes for the third or forth time in a day? Dont get me wrong if they popped in once a while it would be fine and it was fine. Good families come in all different types. My parents are great but we do not talk on the phone every day, nor do they just "pop" over. They respect my marriage and my life with him. Sure, if I have a problem that Im stumped on I will call one of them but not before I ask H if he knows how to fix it or what we should do. See, he will generally ask for my input, I give him my answer and he will still go to his parents. They can provide him with the same answer I just gave him and he'll take it and run with it. I know there are issues I have with his parents...like his mom calling me susan, which is not my name but often people I dont know pronounce it like that. He doesnt correct her and he knows how it bothers me.
What came out of the counselling? I learnt a lot about me and the person who I am, there was break through there. But in all honesty I dont think he learnt anything. How does he feel about the relationship? He will stay married because we got married in a Catholic Church and you cant get divorced...that is what he said to me about a week before we got married.
I agree with Aisha that what you describe does not seem to be interference from his parents. It also seems that their visits are invited by your husband, that's not an interference, it's a request to visit. What is clear is that it's different than what you would prefer or want and that's a problem.
What I hear ringing repeatedly in your post is that he does not compromise, he does not consider your wants and needs, he's willing to do things his way, period. You are not considered, your wants and needs are not important and you do not have a partnership. I can completely understand why you'd be feeling the way you are.
I think I'm still here because I will try and try to fix things until I can make them right. What makes me happy here...oh that a hard one to figure out.
We have talked about all this in the past, it gets better but it always takes a downward turn and those are always worse then the previous times.
Thanks again to both of you for taking the time to post.
Hang on there, Cdasuize, maybe I misunderstand your post, but it sounds like you're saying "thanks and good-bye", I asked some questions, but I don't think we've gotten to the end of this yet, do you?
What I hear in your post sounds like you feel trapped, certainly very sad and probably very alone too. What you wanted in marriage, what you expected is a far cry from what you got. I understand about men who completely change when the ring is placed on your finger, my ex-husband did the same thing; our relationship changed immediately and drastically, I was so confused.
First, you have nothing to apologize for. You didn't say his parents barged in, that was my assumption. What the parent issue boils down to is your husband's desire for connection and communication with his parents is vastly different than yours, or his siblings, for that matter. That doesn't mean he's right and you're wrong, but it doesn't mean you're wrong and he's right either, it's just an example of one thing that you do not have the same wants or needs on. For what it's worth, I agree with you that the amount of contact and reliance on them would be too much for me too; I'm sure there are some that would be quite happy and comfortable with the level he has, but it's not us!
It sounds like counseling didn't change or improve your marriage, is that right? You talk, things get better then slide back to where they are. I'm guessing (and you'll have to let me know if I'm right or not) that things don't change much, as you have none of the things that you want in your life. Maybe he's nicer, things go smoother, but the bottom line is none of the real issues change,is that right?
You say you're there because try and try to fix things until you can make them right. That works fine with inanimate objects, things that you can control, but he is fully half of this and you cannot fix him, change him, make him do what you'd like or make him want the same things you want. Giving your full effort to make things right is the right thing to do, but having done that, you have to know that you've done all you can, and after 11 years of marriage you have to know that change isn't going to happen. What you have is what you've had all along and thinking that's going to change isn't realistic. Your life and happiness are important, and if you're not happy and haven't been happy, then staying means living an unhappy life. Frankly, in my mind, that's not living, that's existing. I've done that, it's awful. After 17 years of a bad marriage, I finally realized it was not going to change and ended it. My only regret is not having done that years before. Life outside an unhappy relationship is incredibly good. Some religions may tell you that God doesn't approve of divorce. I say that my God knows people make mistakes and would not want me to live a life unhappy, that's not what He wants us to do with the lives He's given us. You'll hear people say that you are 50% to blame for a failed marriage, but that's not so. If you've made every effort to make your marriage successful, you are not to blame in its end. He may say he'll never divorce because he's Catholic, but the state issues divorces, and they don't take Catholic religion into consideration when doing so. You can get a divorce from him whether he wants it, approves or not. It's your choice what you do.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I know my last message may have seemed like I wasnt coming back but alas it was Friday at work and well I wanted to get one off before my day got away from me.
Its not that I feel trapped...at least I dont think so.
I feel very very under appreciated. It's like if he leaves the empty container of milk out on the counter, doesnt throw it away. I come along, pick it up and throw it out. People have told me to just leave it there but if I did, it would not ever move off the counter. Yet, if I dont bring in the flyers in the mailbox, I'm a terrible person and he gets all fatherly and scoulds me like a child.
I know that his relationship he has with his parents is completely different then mine. But over the last year or so, it has become unbearable for me. Constant phone calls...etc. When I have said to him that they call too late, he says the same thing...they are my parents and can do what ever. So what's my comback after that? lol. It's very frustrating and I feel like I am bagging my head against a brick wall.
If I get sick, I still cook supper. Never once has he said to me I'll make it. Some people have told me I should ask...but should I? If he is sick I take care of him, not me...I fend for myself.
Counseling helped me but he still believed that I had an affair, no matter what I said or the therapist said. The funny thing is he said to me he could never forgive me...and all I could think of was...forgive me for what? The hardest thing was hearing our therapist tell him things that she could see affecting him but he wouldnt listen...he never listened. The only time I ever saw an improvement in him is during a brief separation. I came back and now I wonder what I came back for...ya know.
He will call me a b***h and then expect me to cuddle or be intimate with him the next day. He did that twice this week and to be honest the thought of any sexual contact with him just doesnt appeal to me.
I'm just lost and feel like all these thoughts are swirling around my head. Sometimes I think I still love him but then is that the part of me who doesnt want to give up? I think too Im afraid of leaving him because I have seen how much damamge his whole family can do and its not a pretty site.
So I'm lost.
I'm glad you came back, Cdasuize. You've pretty well demonstrated that you don't count. What you want doesn't matter, consideration towards you isn't considered. You're not valued, you're not respected. You're a piece of the furniture, owned by him and expected to perform in the capacity he expects, regardless of how he treats you. I don't have to tell you this isn't a partnership, it's a dictatorship and he's the only one who matters. It's how it's been, it's how it will be. The only thing that's changing is it's getting worse, not better.
There's a part of you that doesn't want to give up what? Seriously, that's a question. Part of the reason you stay is because you've seen the damage his family can do. What damage can they do? What have you seen?
Do you stay because you want to, think you have to or are afraid not to?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
Edited 10/16/2005 2:54 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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