Breakthrough...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Breakthrough...
2
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 1:47am
It's very late I've been on the phone all night with him after hearing a lot of people's input. I am going to explain further later but need to sleep for now. I do appreciate all the concern you all have for me...we are having breakthrough communication in a way we haven't even had since we've been together...although I admit to still being very confused...I do need to learn more about addiction. I know I can't fix him and that it's lifelong (do you need to stay in programs forever?). More tomorrow...thanks all
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 2:26am

Good luck.

But please don't agree to anything that involves him changing. He has shown over and over again that he has no intention of following through on his promises.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:01pm

Ok, no it doesn't involve him changing. It involves his opinion and admitting to this.
From the get-go since this happened he lead me to believe that it was something he was ok with, something most guys are ok with and get into and my insecurity was based on that, that I thought it was OK for him. Like I said he was ashamed of me knowing and esp knowing how he hurt me so he didn't want to talk about it. In all other areas we've succeeded in improving, in this one it's just one we've avoided and I do think I know why now. He hasn't let me in on how he ever felt about the issue, all he saw was me being insecure all the time and questioning him. However his opening up to me last night was something I needed to know and have not known. I actually am given a lot of peace by this discovery to know where his heart actually stood on the issue because it was THAT that I was struggling with.

He told me that when I confronted him before he was evasive about it. He said he found that he had even lied to himself about it. Yes it was something that he had somewhat been into throughout the years. While he was married and his x became pregnant, she didn't want to be as sexually active (I know, I avoided my x like the plague) he said she wouldn't even do anything else for him so it was a very long time that he did not have sex and eventually he turned to porn. He said he would honestly try to strike up moods to romance her but she wouldn't respond. He's never been pushy about sex so I don't believe he ever forced it. I cannot say I don't understand because with my x, I was very similar to his x. Anyway, he got involved with it but I know too that they both had sort of a mutual feeling it was ok because they had used it together so it was already existent in their relationship. However last night he confessed to me that deep down in his heart he always felt like it wasn't right. He said he never really had a good enough reason to stop because his x knew he used it and didn't care. The habit remained with him into our relationship. Let me say too that he and his x were both church goers but they didn't have a spiritual life at all or really a relationship between themselves. He was with this person for 8 years and I know how even when you're trying somehow in a relationship that's failing you fall into doing things you don't want to do even if you have the intention of being a good person, I have seen how an unhealthy relationship contributes to this - I never considered myself a weak person but in my past relationship I suddenly found myself compromising on things I may not have otherwise.

Now all this next stuff is my own projection of what contributed but I could be wrong - he didn't really return to Church or anything after they split and he doesn't have anyone he knows who is spiritual at all. The only friends he really had were ones who were of the opinion that a lot of things were "ok" (porn use), they would even ask him to get stuff cuz he's good on the comp...so he didn't have any support really. Everyone around him thought it was ok and he not having any basis to support the feeling that was inside of him, I think maybe he thought even his own ideas of purity were naive. just as I've learned in going to the support porn site, women somehow fool themselves into behaviors they think are ok.

Anyway, I am a very spiritual person and have deep beliefs even if I don't always act accordingly and I have actually kind of opened up new doors to him that he really didn't know and I think it has been helpful. He said until he was with me he didn't really know of a good reason to stop (yes I realize this may be addiction) but he started to see how it was severing our relationship and I do believe he did stop. He said it was the one thing he struggled with in his relationship with God that he never felt completely "right" about, but I do know how society can convince you that maybe you're wrong or just "naive", but regardless this sense was in his heart. We talk on a regular basis about spirituality and God. He had nothing like that in his past relationship and in the little research I have been doing about addiction, his unhealthy relationship may have contributed. I know this is true because I have heard it from more people than just him but she was very clingy, wouldn't allow him to spend time with friends or doing hobbies he enjoyed (biking, snowboarding, etc.) she was very introverted and neither of them had very many friends, and he being more social felt very restricted. They would never go out together and life was very rigid. When issues came up they would avoid them. I read that addicts need support, healthy activities and spirituality of somekind...he didn't have hardly any of this. I did read that addicts can switch hats from one addiction to another so I cannot just excuse this and pass over it without considering it may have been part of his addiction.
Like I said, as far as trustworthy behavior, I am not fearful of this man. If anything he has shown to me he can be more steady than a lot of people and doesn't run away from ANY issue he thought he might be a problem for him.
2nd life you asked if I feel safe with him. I actually have felt safer with him in every other regard besides the trust issue than I've ever been with anyone in my life. I always had a problem since I was a teen to not fall asleep, hypervigilance. Sometimes it takes me several hours to fall asleep. I habituated myself at a young age to be completely aware and vigilant of what was going on at night for reasons you can imagine. I remained this way my entire life even throughout my last marriage. The funny thing was that when we got together and I would sleep with him, I would fall asleep literally in only a few minutes. Even now I often sleep worse when I am alone than when I am with him. I have been distant with intimacy and sex but I feel safer with him in many ways than I even did with my x because I find he shows me a lot of respect in a lot of other ways, ways my x never did. I find I have a lot of peace in being with him, except of course for this one issue, this was the one stake driving us apart.
I do believe things are getting out on the table and I gave him hell for not opening up to me like this before because it could have seriously helped to calm a lot of my fears. I needed to know where he stood in his heart on this matter, instead of getting defensive because he knew how badly he hurt me and my trust in him. I needed to know if he thought it was ok or if it wasn't and he has said that this is the best relationship he's been in and if there was anyone he did not want to ever hurt it was me and he doesn't like to be reminded because he is not doing it anymore. He said he even feels in a way that God brought us together because it was an issue he struggled with and until I came into his life he didn't get a lot of spiritual reinforcement with any issue.
I am not letting up on the idea that this may be part of his addictive personality but I see a heartfelt response finally to what he believes which is more important to me than anything. I am going to propose that he go back to a program, or support group and I don't even think that after serious consideration he will be adverse to it, he does take constructive criticism and maybe he doesn't even realize how his addictive personality played a part in this. I think he was just more ashamed than anything because of how strongly I felt where others have met him with acceptance on this issue.
I know you all are warning me like CRAZY, but I assure you that I have never put myself into positions that were unsafe and you better believe that I will fight to the death to protect my children when I know my life was what it was. If there is any threat that I believe I need to be afraid (even with my discovery when I thought he might still be viewing porn) I am willing to let the relationship go and am not willing to put up with behavior that he doesn't think needs changing. I have always cut myself off from anyone I think a friendship/relationship with might be risky as far as instability goes or trust. Yes I love this man but I will leave him if he does not show me that he thinks things are problems and continues them. I am not going to ignore the addiction thing I promise you but I have to also go on some of what my experience with him tells me and he has never ever been a person I have felt unsafe with (except the sex issue). He knows my children and is wonderful with them. His son is evidence too of his relationship with his father, he's a great kid, loves his Dad like crazy, and always wants to be with his Dad. At work he is a superstar and his boss and all the higher ups love him, he is very responsible, has a great work ethic and is very dedicated in many areas of his life, just not to me as much as I'd like.
So all that said, I'm signing off for the weekend ladies. I do so appreciate your concern for me and I do value that very much, but there's also things I need to take into consideration. His behavior for one, and I know I need to investigate the addiction issue more, or at least get him to investigate it, what my therapist has told me and I've disclosed everything to her, and obviously what you all are saying but it is very hard to give the entire picture on here without writing a novel and I suppose I am sorry in some ways for not bringing other things up of how he is in his life because that makes a significant difference.
It's all new to me right now, I think a lot of it is new to him too that he may not have realized and still may not realize, but I am not going to make any rushed decisions yet...
(((Hugs))) to all of you for caring about me...
J (oh he calls me his "Juliet")